MrsDepp
Full Member
Refupea #2341
Posts: 478
Jun 30, 2014 18:36:02 GMT
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Post by MrsDepp on Feb 17, 2017 21:23:55 GMT
This is morbid I know. Since the beginning of the year, I have had a death in my family on one side or the other nearly every week. On the couple or so weeks there wasn't a death there has been sickness requiring hospitalizations by several family members. All of the death and illnesses are wearing me down. I've not even cried until last night. We are now hours away from one of my brothers dying. All of this death has me wanting to work on my and my husbands own affairs. The thing is, I do not know where or how to start and do not want to ask my family because I feel it may be taken wrong or cause more hurt because of them grieving still. I do have several insurance policies but no cemetery plot or funeral plan. I do not know if that is something that most people do before hand.
The only thing I know for sure is I'm exhausted now and can't imagine trying to plan a funeral for my husband or him for I at that time when it occurs.
I am open to all advise on this matter. Thank you
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Peal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,524
Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on Feb 17, 2017 21:31:21 GMT
I got a booklet from my financial advisor that is for this purpose. It has a place to list out all accounts, insurance policies, debts etc. And a place for what to do in an emergency and final wishes. Who to contact. Stuff like that. I bet you could find something like that online.
I think when we are faced with death of a loved one it is very natural to start thinking of our own mortality and what we want in the end. Maybe a funeral home could give you some advice if you don't want to talk to family about it.
I'm so sorry for all the loss you have had and still expect to endure.
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Post by librarylady on Feb 17, 2017 21:32:22 GMT
First, a hug of comfort for all your stress and grief. I hope your brother pulls through.
Our financial advisor created a document called "A Love Letter to my Family"
It is several pages long and has most of the information your survivors will need.
If you send me a PM with your email, I will email the forms to you.
It has such things as where your will is located, if you wish to be cremated, if you have a burial plot already purchased etc.
I don't think it is morbid to discuss these things.
I think it is being responsible and loving for your survivors.
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Post by mommaho on Feb 17, 2017 21:33:23 GMT
I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this in such a short period of time. We have talked about pre planning our funerals too but still haven't done it yet. It is a hard subject to pin point. My husband really doesn't care but I don't want to make all the decisions either.
I really don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
Hugs
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Post by disneypal on Feb 17, 2017 21:34:57 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a good idea to have your affairs in order, it makes it so much easier for those left behind. Start with a book/planner like this one ( Peace of Mind). It isn't morbid - it is smart to plan for things like this - it is going to happen to all of us one day. It gives you a good starting point of getting all your information together. Eventually you will want to meet with a lawyer to discuss wills and plan for your children and such but for now, start with something like the book I posted - it is simple to use and will get the ball rolling. So sorry about your brother ((HUGS)) ETA: Here is A LINK TO the forms like librarylady mentioned. |
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Post by elaine on Feb 17, 2017 21:39:02 GMT
First off, (((hugs))) I'm sorry for all of your losses.
I think that what you both can do, when you have more energy, is to discuss with your wishes with each other. Depending on your finances, you can either download and fill out Living Will and Living Trust forms, in addition to a Last Will and Testament yourselves, or hire a lawyer. Since we have 2 special needs kids and had to set up special needs trusts with a lawyer, we went ahead and did our wills with him.
If you want to be buried in a plot in a cemetery, you certainly can buy those now. My mother has owned her plot since my dad unexpectedly in 1972.
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Post by jenjie on Feb 17, 2017 21:42:34 GMT
I am so sorry for your multiple losses. You want a Will and living will (advance directive). If you have minor children you need to choose a guardian and trustee.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 17, 2017 22:13:10 GMT
I'm so sorry to read about all of your recent losses.  Lots of good advice here already. I'd second talking to a lawyer if you don't have a will and a living will set up yet, especially if you have children. You might also consider setting up POA for yourself and your husband in case either of you is incapacitated but doesn't die, so you can make decisions for each other. If you are looking to finalize funeral arrangements ahead of time, that can be done with whatever funeral home you prefer. Whatever you do in that regard, you'll want to make sure that the information is readily available somewhere easily accessible. My inlaws had prepaid for both of them to be cremated years ago, and then when FIL suddenly passed MIL had completely forgotten about that and paid again to have him cremated.  Thankfully when she decided to set up the rest of her arrangements (she was terminally ill) she was able to have that amount that she originally paid for him to be applied to the rest of her bill. |
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Post by flanz on Feb 17, 2017 22:18:41 GMT
First of all, big hugs to you!
DH and I are in our mid-50s. About three years ago we spent $4K to set up a family trust - done by a well respected lawyer here in our town.
We then took our grown kids to meet her so she could explain the trust to them, and we could talk, together, about DH's and my wishes upon our deaths.
It was very helpful and gives me peace of mind. Should also save $$$ by avoiding probate down the road. Pay now to save a lot later.
I still need to fill out a document, I think it might be called Five Wishes, which details any specific ideas I might have for my eventual memorial service.
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Post by gulfcoastgirl on Feb 17, 2017 23:04:51 GMT
Wait until the dust settles and you feel stronger. I know exactly what you mean, though. I'm still reeling from my mom's death in October. I hated sifting through her things - it felt so invasive. The only thing I've done so far is go through my own stuff to pare things down.
I wish you strength and hope! xoxoxo
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maurchclt
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,654 
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Post by maurchclt on Feb 17, 2017 23:10:55 GMT
Hugs, such a difficult subject, one we must all face. So sorry for the many losses you have experienced. I send you strength and courage.
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Post by 505scrapper on Feb 17, 2017 23:31:50 GMT
Many hugs for all your loss. I have an aunt who has planned and paid for her entire funeral already. She purchased a plan through a local funeral home and made monthly payments. This also includes the burial plot. At one point in the beginning she told us that if she died before she finished paying it off, they would forgive the remaining debt. However, at this point, she has already paid for it in its entirety. Once the dust settles, this may be something you want to talk to your husband about and contact a local funeral home to get details.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,381
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Feb 17, 2017 23:41:34 GMT
My parents set up and paid for the basics for their funerals and burials years ago. When my dad died five years ago next month, it made it lots easier since we really only had to update the obituary info and decide on flowers and a few details about visitation and the service (we did private graveside for the service). It made it so much easier for all of us, including my mother.
A week later my mom took all three of us adult children with her to a lawyer to draw up a new trust for her estate and she paid for us to do wills and powers of attorney. That was something my husband and I had intended to do but hadn't gotten to and it was the needed catalyst to finally get the paperwork done.
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Post by anonrefugee on Feb 17, 2017 23:51:17 GMT
I'm sorry, what a rough season. Losing a sibling is awful.
You are doing the right thing by planning ahead, it's responsible not morbid.
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Post by k8smom on Feb 17, 2017 23:54:58 GMT
My mom planned it all out and prepaid for everything well in advance so when the time came it was all taken care of per her wishes. She just went through the local funeral home and arranged it all and we received a copy of her arrangements in the mail.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 17, 2017 23:56:56 GMT
I'm so sorry for all you're going through. We started with an estate planning attorney. He walked us through most of the logistics. We still do not have funeral plans.
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Post by leftturnonly on Feb 17, 2017 23:58:35 GMT
This is morbid I know. Since the beginning of the year, I have had a death in my family on one side or the other nearly every week. On the couple or so weeks there wasn't a death there has been sickness requiring hospitalizations by several family members. All of the death and illnesses are wearing me down. I've not even cried until last night. We are now hours away from one of my brothers dying. All of this death has me wanting to work on my and my husbands own affairs. The thing is, I do not know where or how to start and do not want to ask my family because I feel it may be taken wrong or cause more hurt because of them grieving still. I do have several insurance policies but no cemetery plot or funeral plan. I do not know if that is something that most people do before hand. The only thing I know for sure is I'm exhausted now and can't imagine trying to plan a funeral for my husband or him for I at that time when it occurs. I am open to all advise on this matter. Thank you I have been through cycles like that and they absolutely ground me down. I'm sorry anyone has to go through times like that. Anxiety can become your real enemy here. Having your affairs in order actually reduces anxiety, so why don't you look around for a lawyer and/or adviser while it's on your mind to get some of these things settled? You don't need to involve family other than your husband if you think it'll be too awkward. Professionals do this kind of work every single day. They won't be emotional or think this is too morbid. You want to work with someone who looks you straight in the eye, offers you a tissue and a glass of water and helps you calm your fears by explaining everything to you in a matter of fact, straightforward manner that you can understand. {{{Hugs}}} It truly is a hard time in your life. Be gentle with yourself. You probably feel bruised and beat up and for good reason. |
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,955
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Post by purplebee on Feb 18, 2017 0:02:15 GMT
So sorry for the sadness and loss in your life right now. Hugs....
We have had three deaths in our family over the last year, and I decided I need to get our stuff together for our son, an only child. He is 21, but I am 65 and Dh is 67.
I dedicated a file drawer to insurance info - medical, life, burial - with info written on the inside of each file folder telling him what the policy is and who to contact in case we pass away along with copies of our Medicare and insurance cards. Also have a file with info regarding our will and estate. And I showed it to him and explained what and where everything was. I also want to get one of the planning books as mentioned above.
I want to write up an obituary along with directions for our funerals as to what we want. It would make it so much easier for him. I was very involved in funeral planning after two of the three recent deaths in our family and it was so hard.
I know it is difficult to have to do this, but pre-planning will ease the burden on your loved ones, and give you peace of mind. I don't think it is morbid, just another way of showing love.
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Post by jenjie on Feb 18, 2017 0:43:04 GMT
First of all, big hugs to you! DH and I are in our mid-50s. About three years ago we spent $4K to set up a family trust - done by a well respected lawyer here in our town. We then took our grown kids to meet her so she could explain the trust to them, and we could talk, together, about DH's and my wishes upon our deaths. It was very helpful and gives me peace of mind. Should also save $$$ by avoiding probate down the road. Pay now to save a lot later. I still need to fill out a document, I think it might be called Five Wishes, which details any specific ideas I might have for my eventual memorial service. don't use 5 wishes. Sit down with somebody and complete an advance directive. Or use an online site like total legal.com. 5 wishes is easier to complete, it's very user-friendly. It will give you peace of mind when you complete it and get it witnessed. Fred and I used it. But when push came to shove, when the ER doctor started talking to me that last night, it was too vague. It was absolutely no good to us. I knew what he wanted because we both checked off the same things and we had discussed it. Under duress because he didn't want to go there. But if someone else had to make those decisions, I'm telling you it meant nothing in the ER even though we received the booklets from that same hospital. |
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,116
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Feb 18, 2017 1:34:42 GMT
You've gotten a lot of very good advice here. I just wanted to add that I'm sorry for the losses and stress that you've experienced. Be kind to yourself. You may want to consider counseling to process everything.
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Post by leftturnonly on Feb 18, 2017 2:13:55 GMT
First of all, big hugs to you! DH and I are in our mid-50s. About three years ago we spent $4K to set up a family trust - done by a well respected lawyer here in our town. We then took our grown kids to meet her so she could explain the trust to them, and we could talk, together, about DH's and my wishes upon our deaths. It was very helpful and gives me peace of mind. Should also save $$$ by avoiding probate down the road. Pay now to save a lot later. I still need to fill out a document, I think it might be called Five Wishes, which details any specific ideas I might have for my eventual memorial service. don't use 5 wishes. Sit down with somebody and complete an advance directive. Or use an online site like total legal.com. 5 wishes is easier to complete, it's very user-friendly. It will give you peace of mind when you complete it and get it witnessed. Fred and I used it. But when push came to shove, when the ER doctor started talking to me that last night, it was too vague. It was absolutely no good to us. I knew what he wanted because we both checked off the same things and we had discussed it. Under duress because he didn't want to go there. But if someone else had to make those decisions, I'm telling you it meant nothing in the ER even though we received the booklets from that same hospital. Good advice. I'm sorry you know it in such a firsthand way. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:02:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2017 2:14:05 GMT
Here are some of the things I am doing:
Cemetery plot is taken care of as there is room with Mom's urn for mine when the time comes. There will be an opening and closing fee due then, but the half plot itself is already paid for.
As soon as possible, I plan to get a will, the power of attorney and a living will done.
When I set up my accounts I chose my beneficiary and gave that info.
I am making a list of all the info that will be needed when I die, such as funeral home, account locations, info for death certificate, cemetery and plot number, things like that.
I have not planned a service, not sure there will be one, anyway. I know the cemetery will want an obituary, so I have started making a few notes for that.
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Post by berty on Feb 18, 2017 3:27:55 GMT
I'm sorry you've been going through so much lately.
Here's my suggestions: I agree with others, go to a lawyer who specializes in wills and estates and get everything planned out in terms of finances and end of life care decisions. Then, I suggest, go to a funeral home and look into setting up and pre-paying (if you can afford the expense now) for your funeral arrangements. When my brother-in-law's mother passed, his family was completely lost. It took an entire day just to pick out her dress and added so much more stress for everyone. And, if you have kids or other close family members, pick one or two trusted ones and make copies of everything and let them know where you will keep all of the originals. Dealing with everything ahead of time can ensure your wishes are followed and really eases the pressure on your surviving family and friends.
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Post by flanz on Feb 18, 2017 5:45:00 GMT
First of all, big hugs to you! DH and I are in our mid-50s. About three years ago we spent $4K to set up a family trust - done by a well respected lawyer here in our town. We then took our grown kids to meet her so she could explain the trust to them, and we could talk, together, about DH's and my wishes upon our deaths. It was very helpful and gives me peace of mind. Should also save $$$ by avoiding probate down the road. Pay now to save a lot later. I still need to fill out a document, I think it might be called Five Wishes, which details any specific ideas I might have for my eventual memorial service. don't use 5 wishes. Sit down with somebody and complete an advance directive. Or use an online site like total legal.com. 5 wishes is easier to complete, it's very user-friendly. It will give you peace of mind when you complete it and get it witnessed. Fred and I used it. But when push came to shove, when the ER doctor started talking to me that last night, it was too vague. It was absolutely no good to us. I knew what he wanted because we both checked off the same things and we had discussed it. Under duress because he didn't want to go there. But if someone else had to make those decisions, I'm telling you it meant nothing in the ER even though we received the booklets from that same hospital. Thanks very much, Jenjie! I'm sorry that you had such a frustrating time. I should have said that we had power of attorney for health care (medical directives?) completed with the same attorney who did our family trust. I was thinking of using the 5 Wishes document just to record things for my DH and kids, so they would know which hymns I like, etc. |
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Post by miominmio on Feb 18, 2017 7:33:24 GMT
I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm in Norway, so I have no relevant advice to add.
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Post by mikklynn on Feb 18, 2017 13:27:03 GMT
The best thing my in-laws did was pre-plan and prepay for their funerals. When my FIL passed away, all we had to do was order flowers, gather some photos for a video loop, and decide how many people would be there for lunch. What a blessing.
I would start by having a living revocable trust drawn up. With this document, you can avoid probate. It should include an incapacity clause, so someone can make financial decisions for you, if you become unable to do so.
Then, if you wish to pre-plan a funeral, make an appointment at a local funeral home. Make sure someone other than you and your DH knows where you made your plan. My MIL has given DH all the info.
Hugs to you at this very difficult time.
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Post by scrapbookwriter on Feb 19, 2017 11:24:24 GMT
A small financial incentive to pre-planning: When you purchase cemetery plots or buy funeral services before they are needed, you will get a discount on the cost - usually about 10%.
Also, costs rise every year. If you buy now and don't need the services/plots/etc. for 30 years, they will still be paid in full. Your family won't have to pay the increased costs.
And also, peace of mind is priceless.
And no, I'm not a funeral director! But I have arranged pre-need purchases for several family members in two states.
If you purchase cemetery plots and later don't need them, we have found they are pretty easy to re-sell through the cemetery offices.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Feb 19, 2017 22:42:44 GMT
I don't have any advice, as I myself need to do my own plans and forms, as does my husband. But I wanted to say that I'm so very sorry that this year is one of so many losses and such stress.
Sending you a cyber hug.
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