mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523 
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Post by mlana on Aug 19, 2014 0:24:03 GMT
When my brother was about 12, he raised exotic chickens to sale. Dad bought the feed and the chicks and DB paid him back by taking care of Dad's young turkeys. Now, you may not know this, but there is nothing on God's green earth dumber than a baby turkey. They will stand in the rain, looking up in the sky, until they drown from the rain. No joke. Taking care of them was no joke either; they were mean and sneaky, and would drive a saint to drink. Driving a 12 yo boy to murder was no big feat, kwim?
One day, as DB went thru the gate to the turkey enclosure, the turkeys rushed him all at once and a few managed to escape. After an hour of chasing the little boogers, there was one he couldn't catch. He was frustrated to no end when the bird finally got close enough to him to grab. Instead of grabbing it, he kicked it, and the turkey flew into the side of the barn, broke it's neck, and died. My brother was horrified!! He had not intended to actually hit the bird at all, and he had never killed anything in his life. Plus, he knew the pooh was going to hit the fan when Dad found out. Desperate, he dropped to his knees and gave the bird mouth to mouth for about 5 minutes before finally realizing it was hopeless. He had to go tell Dad one of the turkeys was dead.
What DB didn't know was that Dad had been coming around the corner when DB kicked the bird. Dad saw the whole thing, including DB giving the turkey mouth to mouth. When DB found Dad to tell him what had happened, he decided to bend the truth a wee bit. He told Dad that the turkey was upset about being outside it's wonderful enclosure, it had thrown itself against the side of the barn and killed itself, kamikaze style (DB's words.) Dad almost choked and bit his tongue in two trying to keep straight face as DB went on to explain that he had done everything he could to save the poor bird, including mouth to mouth. Dad waited till DB had finished his story, then told him he had seen what had happened and he'd meet DB in the barn in a few minutes.
When DB left to go to the barn, my dad laughed until he cried. He kept saying, "We're raising kamikaze turkeys! Kamikaze turkeys!" Later, DB told me he had no idea Dad was so attached to the turkeys that he's cry when one died. Yeah, we still tease him about that.
Marcy
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Post by cherrie on Aug 19, 2014 0:30:07 GMT
One day I had my teenage granddaughter and 3 of her friends in the car (all wearing short shorts) We did drive through at an ice cream
place. Placed our order for cones, plain, dipped, crunch etc. I saw the young boy working the window checking out the girls and as he handed me the last cone he said "here's the crotch cone" Those girls laughed all the way home!!
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Post by whipea on Aug 19, 2014 0:30:21 GMT
No family but a close friend story. We were traveling for work, putting our stuff in the car as we were leaving the hotel. I was putting things in the back seat and he backs up and run over my toes. I was not hurt and yelled "you just ran over my foot". So he immediately pulls forward and runs over it again.
Big laugh at work and I frequently get called flatfoot. This has stuck for about four years and the new people always get to hear the story and get warned not to go in the car with either of us. Now whenever I go anywhere with my coworkers they always yell "feet" before I get in the car.
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notime2
Shy Member
Posts: 22
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Post by notime2 on Aug 19, 2014 0:49:01 GMT
DH and I were living in a rental house while I was pregnant with DS. I'm laying in bed, very large and pregnant and DH yells out to me, "whatever you do, don't come out here!" So of course, I waddle out to the living room and our cat is playing with something. I look a little more closely and see it's a snake, a very small racer, but still a snake in our house. Cat is so proud! DH throws it outside. Later goes to look at it again and... Snake is gone!
Fast forward a few months later, I'm walking to get the mail. I have DS in my arms, mail in one hand and I'm wearing flip flops. See that damn snake go slithering across my driveway. I chase after it and plan to step on snake and kill it. I miss the snake, but I was telling my DH the story later. He said, "what would you have done if that snake had bit you on the foot?" I said, "it wasn't a poisonous snake! It couldn't have bit me," DH then kindly informed me that even though a snake is not poisonous, it CAN still bite.
Fast forward about six months. Bringing Christmas decorations up from the huge basement in this rental house. My sister and I were commenting on all the poop down there. It looked like huge piles of bird poop. I said to her, "do we have a condor living in our basement?" We thought that was pretty funny. I get almost all of the decorations up and decide that DH can bring the rest of the garland upstairs since I did everything else. Send him down to get it and we hear this loud CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! The same damn snake was curled up inside my Christmas garland and DH beheaded him. The snake was also responsible for the large condor poop we were seeing. My sister and I cracked up laughing about it, until we turned the Christmas tree around to fluff it up and we see the shredded snake skin in the branches of the tree!!!
We talk about that damn snake every Christmas!
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Post by PEArfect on Aug 19, 2014 1:32:50 GMT
Funniest family story is about my father in-law. My in-laws, my husband, and I (pregnant with our oldest) went out for dinner. We rode together. On our way home from the restaurant my father in-law started to sweat profusely. He said he had to quickly pull over somewhere and use the restroom. He decided to stop at a grocery store that we weren't really familiar with. Meanwhile, about 20 minutes pass by and we're all wondering if he's ok. 10 more minutes pass by and my husband is considering going in and checking on him. By that time my father in-law starts walking out to the car. His hair is a mess, he's all sweaty, and he has a weird look on his face. The poor guy went in the wrong direction to the restrooms and ended up walking around the whole perimeter of the store before he found them. He ran into the only stall when he realized there wasn't any toilet paper. No paper towel either. He took off his socks and used them to wipe with. Then he used his underwear. Yep, that's right. He was sitting there in the car commando with no socks on. He said, "can you imagine the look on the employee's face that has to take the bathroom trash out?"  My husband told this story at his dad's retirement party. |
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brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
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Post by brandy327 on Aug 19, 2014 1:46:22 GMT
OMG...I am laughing SO hard. I haven't even made it passed the chicken titties.  Ok, going back to read some more... Oh and sharlag We had a mini dachshund...and I LMAO at the pee fall! More than once, I'd go out to check the mail with the door open so he could see me through the glass door and I'd come back in (ya know like 30 seconds later) and there'd be a puddle the size of a quarter left for me. It was as if the had to squeeze extra hard to get enough out to show me how pissed (HA pun intended) he was for me leaving him inside! |
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,580
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Aug 19, 2014 1:51:26 GMT
It was as if the had to squeeze extra hard to get enough out to show me how pissed (HA pun intended) he was for me leaving him inside! They are vindictive little creatures!  |
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Post by lovinlife on Aug 19, 2014 2:11:14 GMT
The socks as tp reminded me of this one. Before we had kids, DH and I went haunted housing with a group of friends. He had just gotten over a stomach virus and felt confident he was good to go. Not so. We get there and he runs across 4 lanes of traffic to a gas station only to be told they didn't have a bathroom. He tries to cross back over to us but traffic had him waiting in the turn lane. His stomach clenched. He did this run/waddle back across the road to find another bathroom. He gets in there and not only is the toilet broken but there's no tp or a garbage can...just a hole in the wall. About this time I started getting queasy. At the end of the haunted house there was a maze and it was completely dark. Someone farted and knowing what DH had just gone through we all blamed him. Strangers on the other side of the maze started yelling as well. We were all doubled over laughing. On the way home my stomach is not happy and neither is dh's. We get home and both hit the bathroom...the toilets were on an adjoining wall. He knocked on the wall and said he had a confession. ..He didn't make it to the bathroom so I told him I was the one that farted in the maze. We are cracking up then realize we are both out of tp. Geez what a night but every Halloween the story gets brought up and it's been over 12 years now!
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Aug 19, 2014 4:16:38 GMT
I have one about my daughter. She is 21 now but then she was 3.
BAck story about my daughter is she always asked big kid questions, she wasn't a what is that or why is that kinda of kid.
We were driving through Portland Oregon one day. The lights on the signs of stores and businesses were on, the street lights hadn't came on yet but from the back seat we heard this little voice
Daughter: "How many lights are there?"
Me: "What lights?"
Daughter: the lights. You know the things that make the dark not dark anymore?"
Me: not sure. Why don't you count them?"
Daughter: "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10,,,,, but I can't count any higher"
Me: {sitting there laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants}
fast forward to tonight.
Me: How many lights are there?"
Daughter: A thousand million.... There are a gazillion"
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Post by kristalina on Aug 19, 2014 4:44:26 GMT
We don't retell this story, just one line of it: "I want an OOOOOwwwwwwlllll" It was at Thanksgiving and my dh had started drinking a little too early and was pretty toasted by the time dinner rolled around. Out of the clear blue sky, he takes a dinner roll and had the top in one hand and the bottom in the other (still in one piece, not broken apart) and pretends it's a bird, stands up and opens and closes it like it's flying and just announces to the whole table "I want an owl!" Everyone just looked at him like he was insane then we all burst into hysterics, literally until we were crying. Needless to say, he has received many owls in different forms since then. Always 2-3 owl Christmas ornaments. He really has no clue why, but we do always repeat the I WANT AN OWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL and have had countless belly-laughs about it.
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Post by kristalina on Aug 19, 2014 5:02:28 GMT
Oh, I just thought of another one. My two daughters and I were at O'Neill's and the girls were trying on wetsuits. This boy about 17 that was helping us was trying to be all cool with the girls and he was asking them if they'd seen the new camouflage suits but instead of camouflage he accidentally said CAMEL-TOE suits and the girls just about died and the poor boy realized what he'd said and practically ran away. Oh crap, we all just about peed our pants. So, yea, we're always asking if each other if we've remembered to pack the camel-toe wetsuit.
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Post by phoenixcov on Aug 19, 2014 11:24:21 GMT
Loving all these stories. Here`s one of mine.
My DS then 2 years old was sitting on the lawn and muttering to himself.
I went over to see what he was doing and saw him stroking a bumble bee with one hand and trying
to feed the bee a bit of his sandwich with the other.
He looked up and said "Buzzy likes Lee Mummy".
We still call them buzzies.
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BarbaraUK
Drama Llama
Surrounded by my yarn stash on the NE coast of England...............!! Refupea 1702
Posts: 5,961
Location: England UK
Jun 27, 2014 12:47:11 GMT
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Post by BarbaraUK on Aug 19, 2014 11:35:03 GMT
Loving all these stories. Here`s one of mine. My DS then 2 years old was sitting on the lawn and muttering to himself. I went over to see what he was doing and saw him stroking a bumble bee with one hand and trying to feed the bee a bit of his sandwich with the other. He looked up and said "Buzzy likes Lee Mummy". We still call them buzzies. That's brilliant! I've never heard or seen anything like that with bees before....Buzzy definitely did like him!  That story made me smile, thanks!  |
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Post by Aheartfeltcard on Aug 19, 2014 12:04:14 GMT
This one happened to my DS when he was about three. His grandmother used to babysit him and one day he reached up and pinched her in the breast. My MIL, being her usual self says, "Don't pinch me in my titties". What 3 year old doesn't think that's a funny word. He kept repeating it all night and I finally told him "Don't said titties, say breasts". Fine, good, whatever. I didn't hear him say it any more. A couple weeks later we are having company. Several friends are in our living room and DS walks in the kitchen where I am cooking and asks what we are going to eat. I responded with fried chicken breasts. He then walks into the living room and in his perfectly clear, loud, 3 year old voice exclaims "Guess what we are having for supper? Fried chicken titties!" Dead silence, followed by hysterical laughter. Whenever we are having chicken breast now, we always say chicken titties! I'm crying , my belly hurts I am laughing so hard. |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,895
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 19, 2014 12:06:20 GMT
When I was maybe 6 or 7, our parents took us to a fancy restaurant. We had been coached on how to behave, to be quiet, to use our napkins, no elbows on the table etc...
I got up to go to the bathroom and couldn't figure out how to lock the door (it was one door to an individual bathroom - not stalls.) A woman walked in on me (because I couldn't lock the door) and when she said: "Oh my gosh! Sorry!" and pulled the door closed, it got stuck.
I finished up and went to open the door and couldn't get it open.
My parents love to tell how they were sitting there, lovely music in the background, quiet restaurant around them and then you here a shriek from the back of the restaurant: "HELP! I'M LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!"
Yeah, it was me. In my defense, I was SCARED.
And I will never live it down.
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Post by alibama on Aug 19, 2014 13:32:14 GMT
Our family is famous for teasing my mom about this. Years ago, my brother and sister-in-law were in town (he was in the Navy but visiting home). My SIL was friends with someone who worked in the CNN Center as Ted Turner's assistant and they just happened to run into her at the CNN Center (mom, brother and SIL). Mom had her disk camera with her (remember those?). The friend said "I can show you Ted Turner's office because he isn't here today" - so they went up there. He had a pair of the original ruby slippers in his office, several awards, big desk, great view of downtown Atlanta, etc. My mom took a lot of photos. She was so thrilled she got to see his office and she actually had her camera with her. That night, my brother offered to take the disk to the drug store to drop it off for developing (back then you had to wait a few days for it to come back and he wanted to see them before he had to leave town). She opened the camera to take out the disk and it was EMPTY, she forgot to put one in there. So now we occasionally say "Mom, can we see those photos you took of Ted Turner's office? Whooops, I forgot, you don't HAVE any!!" PS: For old times sake (or for those that never heard of it), here is a disk camera.  I have one of those 'films' in my house.. I always wonder if I can still develop it??? lol Funny story!! Funny thing is so do I! I have several I was really bad about getting film developed. I checked on getting it developed years ago and it was really expensive. I threw them back in the bag and said maybe when I hit the lottery lol. |
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Post by craftsbycarolyn on Aug 19, 2014 14:55:13 GMT
The story my kids like to tell (and they are 29, 33, 37)..happened when they were all little. We went to Ponderosa steak house...my hubby got what he thought was tapioca pudding. He ask me to taste it cause it tasted funny, well, that's because it was tarder sauce...The "kids" still laugh about that one.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 10, 2024 2:29:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 15:27:13 GMT
The socks as tp reminded me of this one. Before we had kids, DH and I went haunted housing with a group of friends. He had just gotten over a stomach virus and felt confident he was good to go. Not so. We get there and he runs across 4 lanes of traffic to a gas station only to be told they didn't have a bathroom. He tries to cross back over to us but traffic had him waiting in the turn lane. His stomach clenched. He did this run/waddle back across the road to find another bathroom. He gets in there and not only is the toilet broken but there's no tp or a garbage can...just a hole in the wall. About this time I started getting queasy. At the end of the haunted house there was a maze and it was completely dark. Someone farted and knowing what DH had just gone through we all blamed him. Strangers on the other side of the maze started yelling as well. We were all doubled over laughing. On the way home my stomach is not happy and neither is dh's. We get home and both hit the bathroom...the toilets were on an adjoining wall. He knocked on the wall and said he had a confession. ..He didn't make it to the bathroom so I told him I was the one that farted in the maze. We are cracking up then realize we are both out of tp. Geez what a night but every Halloween the story gets brought up and it's been over 12 years now! All I can picture is the "run/waddle" back across the road. I'm trying so hard to laugh quietly since I share an office with 2 other people but it's not working... |
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eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Aug 19, 2014 15:58:36 GMT
The story my kids like to tell (and they are 29, 33, 37)..happened when they were all little. We went to Ponderosa steak house...my hubby got what he thought was tapioca pudding. He ask me to taste it cause it tasted funny, well, that's because it was tarder sauce...The "kids" still laugh about that one. I miss the Ponderosa Steak House. I used to love their rolls. |
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Deleted
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Oct 10, 2024 2:29:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 16:01:37 GMT
These are hilarious. My favorite is when we were kids, my grandmother was babysitting us and told us that today was the day they were going to drain the Chesapeake Bay and that we were all going to go treasure hunting for everything at the bottom of the Bay. She told us to hurry and get our raincoats on and sand shovels and boots cuz as soon as my parents came back, we were all going to go.
Imagine the laughter from my parents when we told them, "Come on mom and dad!! They are draining the Bay today and we are going to go treasure hunting!!!". They then took us to the Dollar store and allowed us to "Treasure Hunt" there.
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thecurleyque
Junior Member
Posts: 97
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Post by thecurleyque on Aug 19, 2014 17:22:03 GMT
I have several. When I was about 7 or 8 we went on a family camping trip with my grandparents. One morning my Grandpa was heading up to the restroom to get ready for the day. At that time head and shoulders came in a tube similar to toothpaste. My Grandma grabbed the head and shoulders instead of the toothpaste and handed it to my Grandpa. Neither of them noticed. Grandpa came back complaining about how awful that toothpaste was and spent the rest of the day trying to spit the shampoo taste out of his mouth. When I was 13 we moved. Enough stuff was at the new house so we were staying there, but some odds and ends needed to be moved yet. It was a saturday morning and my dad woke up my sister and I; he was going to get our Grandpa (not the one that brushed with shampoo  )and a load of stuff at the old house. Sis and I were to get up, get ready and be outside to help unload when they got back. So I get up, have breakfast; I'm in my room getting dressed and heard a "glub, glub" noise coming from the bathroom. I know my sister is outside by now and I'm the only one in the house so I'm kind of freaking out. I go in the bathroom and there is a squirrel in the toilet. I didn't know what else to do so I closed the lid. By this time my Dad is back (and pissed because only one kid is outside waiting) so he sends my sister in to get me. I yell to her "Tell Dad I'll be right there and there's a squirrel in the toilet". Sis goes outside and laughing hysterically tells Dad that I said there's a squirrel in the toilet. Dad is coming in the house about the time I'm going out and demands "Where's this squirrel?" - because he's sure I'm making this up and thinking there may be a mouse or rat or something, but there is no way there's a squirrel. So we go upstairs, Dad opens the toilet lid and says "Well, I'll be d***ed, there is a squirrel in the toilet." By this time the squirrel has drowned and is dead. He thinks about for a couple of seconds and says "Well, that's no bigger than a good sized t**d" and promptly flushed the toilet. It took a looooooonnnnnnnnggggg time for me to find this funny, but the rest of the family has always found it incredibly funny and loves to tell it. |
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Post by sisterbdsq on Aug 19, 2014 17:37:23 GMT
I don't find the three stories where animals died, or were murdered, very funny at all.  |
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Post by jemali on Aug 19, 2014 17:57:17 GMT
One time when my dd was little, she was younger than kindergarten, she told she would think of a word and I should guess what it was.
I said That is too hard, you have to tell me what it starts with.
She said It starts with "duh".
So I guess dog? nope.
Duck? nope
Door? nope
I give up, what is it?
It is "watermelon"
Watermelon? That doesn't start with "duh"?
Yes it does...DUHble-u...(w)
Another time I told her to say the alphabet. She asked In upper case or lower case? I said Upper case, so she said it really loud.
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Post by beachbum on Aug 19, 2014 18:20:19 GMT
One year on the day after Thanksgiving we asked our youngest DD, who was 4 at the time, what she wanted for lunch. She said she wanted some more of that "big chicken". So now, every single Thanksgiving, we have a "big chicken". DD (now 25), is usually the first one to mention it!
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,955
Location: North Idaho
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Post by Nink on Aug 19, 2014 19:10:04 GMT
Thanksgiving dinner many years ago in the mid 1970's, the usual crowd was there for dinner. Mom, Dad, the seven of us kids, both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. It came time for the pumpkin pie and my Grandma Madison loved, loved, loved pumpkin pie. She carefully cuts and serves up her slice and then puts the Redi Whip on it and then sits and admires it before eating it. My grandpa who was sitting next to her gets his pie and then when he goes to put the RediWhip on it, he was holding it at an angle so that only a burst of air came out. Unfortunately, that burst of air hit the ash tray that was sitting right there and blew all the ashes and cigarette butts onto grandmas pie. I'm pretty sure that may be the first time I heard every cuss word in the English language used in a single sentence.
The more we all laughed, the madder she got at poor Pa. We tried to suppress our laughter, but it was useless.
My siblings and I still text each other every Thanksgiving and laugh about it.
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Post by meowgal on Aug 19, 2014 19:20:48 GMT
My Dad always loved solitaire...I can still picture him lying on the bed in the guestroom, flipping those cards out in rows.
I was about 20 and home for a weekend. We were all talking about this solitaire obsession, love of group card games and the joys of playing with a group and alone. I turned to him and said, "Dad, how often do you play with yourself?" I totally did NOT mean what it sounded like! They never let me forget it. *Blush*
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Aug 20, 2014 21:20:54 GMT
I thought of another one. Some of these are great! Youngest DD was about 10 at the time. I was in the living room and I asked her if she wanted a baked potato with dinner and she did so I told her to grab one, poke it with a fork and put it in the microwave for 6 minutes. This was not her first time to cook a potato by the way. In 6 minutes the microwave beeped and I went to prepare her potato. I opened the microwave door and there sat the potato with the fork sticking out of it. She had left it in there! I have no idea what the microwave did bec. we weren't in the kitchen with it but the potato was cooked and the microwave still works. I of course took a picture of it and won't let her live it down.  |
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,580
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Aug 20, 2014 21:45:44 GMT
I have a baked potato story too! One day when I was in early teen, I asked mom if she needed help with supper. She said sure you can fix the baked potatoes. First wash your hands. I diligently wash my hands listening to her next instructions, "now rub them well with Crisco."
She looked over to see me massaging copious amounts of Crisco into my hands.
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Post by jenjie on Aug 21, 2014 0:04:23 GMT
When my brother was about 12, he raised exotic chickens to sale. Dad bought the feed and the chicks and DB paid him back by taking care of Dad's young turkeys. Now, you may not know this, but there is nothing on God's green earth dumber than a baby turkey. They will stand in the rain, looking up in the sky, until they drown from the rain. No joke. Taking care of them was no joke either; they were mean and sneaky, and would drive a saint to drink. Driving a 12 yo boy to murder was no big feat, kwim? One day, as DB went thru the gate to the turkey enclosure, the turkeys rushed him all at once and a few managed to escape. After an hour of chasing the little boogers, there was one he couldn't catch. He was frustrated to no end when the bird finally got close enough to him to grab. Instead of grabbing it, he kicked it, and the turkey flew into the side of the barn, broke it's neck, and died. My brother was horrified!! He had not intended to actually hit the bird at all, and he had never killed anything in his life. Plus, he knew the pooh was going to hit the fan when Dad found out. Desperate, he dropped to his knees and gave the bird mouth to mouth for about 5 minutes before finally realizing it was hopeless. He had to go tell Dad one of the turkeys was dead. What DB didn't know was that Dad had been coming around the corner when DB kicked the bird. Dad saw the whole thing, including DB giving the turkey mouth to mouth. When DB found Dad to tell him what had happened, he decided to bend the truth a wee bit. He told Dad that the turkey was upset about being outside it's wonderful enclosure, it had thrown itself against the side of the barn and killed itself, kamikaze style (DB's words.) Dad almost choked and bit his tongue in two trying to keep straight face as DB went on to explain that he had done everything he could to save the poor bird, including mouth to mouth. Dad waited till DB had finished his story, then told him he had seen what had happened and he'd meet DB in the barn in a few minutes. When DB left to go to the barn, my dad laughed until he cried. He kept saying, "We're raising kamikaze turkeys! Kamikaze turkeys!" Later, DB told me he had no idea Dad was so attached to the turkeys that he's cry when one died. Yeah, we still tease him about that. Marcy I remember when you shared the on NSBR! Its just as funny reading it a second time. |
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Post by Heart on Aug 21, 2014 1:40:09 GMT
One of my favorites is from a while back. My DH, DS, DD and I went out to eat at Texas Roadhouse. I decided to try their house steak sauce and found it ABSOLUTELY VILE. (I mean HORRIBLE.) I refused to eat my steak because it was so bad. Well, my DH couldn't believe it was so awful so he is asking me what it tasted like. My reply was that DIRT tasted better. My Dh just can't believe it's that bad, so he tries it. He also finds it REPUGNANT. He fusses- yuk, ik, gross, blek etc. My Son, bless his heart, thought we were teasing him and he could NOT believe the sauce was that bad. So HE has to try it. He takes a bite, and he says "Mom, you were right! This IS DIRT Sauce!"
so this is funny enough on its own- I just won't let it die. I mean, I TOLD THEM it was bad. Anyway, a week or so later, my son decides he wants to try Listerine for some unknowable reason. I tried repeatedly to tell him he won't like it, and that it tastes yukky. He is NOT Having it. So, I bought him some orange, thinking it won't be AS bad as the regular blue.
Son is in the bathroom, trying it out. From the bathroom, I hear a LOUD retching sound. Son comes out, making the most ridiculous faces, saying "puey puey puey" and generally gagging. He asks me what's in it. I tell him, "Alcohol". He decides that if that is what alcohol tastes like, he doesn't ever want any. He proceeds to put a warning label on the bottle-
"Warning! Orangey alcohol
From the makers of Dirt Sauce"
I still to this day cannot help but laugh at "dirt sauce".
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My husband told this story at his dad's retirement party.
That story made me smile, thanks! 
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)and a load of stuff at the old house. Sis and I were to get up, get ready and be outside to help unload when they got back. So I get up, have breakfast; I'm in my room getting dressed and heard a "glub, glub" noise coming from the bathroom. I know my sister is outside by now and I'm the only one in the house so I'm kind of freaking out. I go in the bathroom and there is a squirrel in the toilet. I didn't know what else to do so I closed the lid. By this time my Dad is back (and pissed because only one kid is outside waiting) so he sends my sister in to get me. I yell to her "Tell Dad I'll be right there and there's a squirrel in the toilet". Sis goes outside and laughing hysterically tells Dad that I said there's a squirrel in the toilet. Dad is coming in the house about the time I'm going out and demands "Where's this squirrel?" - because he's sure I'm making this up and thinking there may be a mouse or rat or something, but there is no way there's a squirrel. So we go upstairs, Dad opens the toilet lid and says "Well, I'll be d***ed, there is a squirrel in the toilet." By this time the squirrel has drowned and is dead. He thinks about for a couple of seconds and says "Well, that's no bigger than a good sized t**d" and promptly flushed the toilet.
