Need your help..young mother lost her husband

I'm sending you a private message. So sorry for your friend.

Be there today. Tomorrow. And more importantly, a month from now. Six months from now. A year. When everyone else goes back to their life, be there for her.

Let her talk about him whenever she wants to.

In the present, bringing over lots of paper products would surely be helpful. PLates, cups, napkins, plastic utensils, trashbags, paper towels, toilet paper.

Easy kid food. She might not be up for making a lot of food and snacks. Having juiceboxes, string cheese, crackers, easy to grab food might really be a help.

Offer to babysit the kids to give her time to be by herself to grieve. She might not want to right now. She might need to cling to what she has left, but in the future, be there if she needs an afternoon to alone.


And maybe in the future, offer to help her put together a couple memory books for the kids about their father. They are so young, they might need something tangible to help them remember him.

No advise, just so sorry for your friend, how awful.

PEArfect, I'm so sorry. And you nailed a lot of suggestions I was going to make.

My perspective is from a DH who deploys. It's not nearly the same thing, but some of the logistics are the same.

I had to hire someone to mow when the kids were young. It didn't get dark until the kids' bedtime, and I didn't feel safe mowing with young kids outside. So I had to either hire a sitter to watch the kids while I mowed, hire a lawn guy, or mow in the dark. Snow removal was a bit easier, as they "helped" with the shoveling. And we lived in Colorado where the snow melted quickly. When the kids got older, I needed more help getting them to activities, especially when the times overlapped. Anytime anyone offered to help with carpool, I was more than grateful. Even with teenagers, the driving around is the hardest if they don't have their license yet.

When things settle down, invite them over for meals. We get tired of looking at each other and it was nice for me to have adult conversation. Holidays are another sticky point as well. You really don't want them spending it alone, especially the first year. Even if you only take the kids, or take them to your house early, it's a help. Sometimes I just wanted to cry in peace and then put on my happy face and see people.

When my friend died, she left her husband and 3 young children. Someone set up a Sign Up Genius page to deliver meals every day, fresh food ( milk, strawberries, broccoli, whatever they requested) every other day, and diapers for the baby every week. They had a cooler on the porch to leave the items so the Dad didn't have to answer the door all the time.

I'm very sorry about your friend. I'm sure she'll appreciate your help:)

So sorry for everyone's losses

I was widowed at a young age (no children), and I will second all of the suggestions. I appreciated everything that was done, many things I didn't realize until later. Early on, there is so much help and so much food, but then after a few weeks, people kind of disappear which I understand, they have their own lives to lead. It's weeks and months later, that the "reality" starts to sink in.

I do have a special place in my heart for the people who, months later, just showed up with basic groceries or gave me gift cards for pizza place or restaurants--just mailed it to me or left it in a card at my front door. Those who called or sent me a card on my first husband's birthday, our anniversary, Christmas etc.(this was before cell phone texting or FB or twitter).

I well remember a neighbor of ours, a kind of a grumpy older guy who lived in a townhouse diagonal from our condo, he was kind of a complainer, never married. If you said Hello to him at the mailbox, he would kind of grunt a "Hello" back at you.

Anyways, about six months after my husband died, The neighbor was grilling a steak on his little hibachi outside on his patio. He must have known I just got home so soon I hear a knock at my front door, and here was Mr. Grumpy, he handed me a grilled steak and a baked potato and said, "Here you go, I bought an extra steak for you and grilled it. I hope you like it." He kind of shoved the plate at me and walked away before I could say anything more than a quick "thanks". I was so stunned, but a few minutes later, I burst into tears at the thought of this grumpy man being at the grocery store, buying his steak and then buying an extra one because he was thinking about me.

I did eat the steak which was delicious. An hour later, I could hear him out on his patio, so I walked over and thanked him for the steak and for thinking of me. I was a little teary-eyed, so he got a little embarrassed. He did ask me to sit down and we talked for about an hour. He shared with me that he was engaged years ago (before he shipped out to serve in the Korean War). His fiance died suddenly while he was overseas in Korea. He said he never got over it and he never dated ever again... "She was the only one for me". He said that was the biggest regret of his life, that he didn't "open his heart to love again" until many years later and by then he was "an old guy."

He said to me "Don't make the same mistake." Of course I burst into tears again, so here we are, on his patio, which is at his front door, so other people walking by to get to their car or the mailbox can see us out there, I'm crying, and he's getting teary-eyed.

We became pretty good friends after that, and I kept in touch with him after I moved away and he came to my second wedding. Eventually he moved into a nursing home and he died several years ago. I did go to his funeral, which was kind of sad, because there weren't any calling hours at a funeral home, just the graveside service, with just a few people there (the priest, the director of the nursing home, a couple of guys from the local VFW who played taps, the funeral home guy, and me). Really sad to have so few people, but he definitely wasn't a "people person" and I don't think he had any local family.

This has me sobbing at my desk. 

I'm sorry for all the losses mentioned in this thread. I love that you are all willing to share your stories and reach out to others in their time of need.