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Post by elaine on Mar 30, 2017 4:54:40 GMT
I would have no problem with the church thing, or the three hanging out thing, my sole problem is the "decoy" factor. I wouldn't want my child to think I was condoning her helping her friends lie to their parents. The deceptiveness of the "decoy" would bother me. ^^^ This. As an aside, our High School drama program put on Almost Maine last year - it was very good. |
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Post by malibou on Mar 30, 2017 5:09:09 GMT
For me the thing that jumps out is that they are so young. Yay, I get that times have changed and all, but really, is dating in middle school a thing? I can't even wrap my head around the idea that these girls even know what a decoy is and that they think they need one.
Therefore, church would be the least of my concerns.
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Post by miominmio on Mar 30, 2017 5:12:44 GMT
My child doesn't hang out with kids who have church as a prerequisite for being friends. This! Although this won't come up often here (almost no one here attends church), DD does have a friend who is JW, and I know some people in the local JW group who know we are forn sidr (and they have us on their "must visit" list) and if we got an "invitation" like that, DD would have to decline. |
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Mar 30, 2017 7:00:43 GMT
Nope. Dodgy prosletising. Don't let her within a million miles.
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Post by disneypal on Mar 30, 2017 10:03:27 GMT
I wouldn't think there would be any issues with the girls visiting his church - it is just the one time...no harm done with one church visit.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 30, 2017 12:30:59 GMT
How old is your daughter and the other girl(not minister's daughter)? My daughter and the other girl are in 8th grade... the minister's in 7th. |
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 30, 2017 12:38:23 GMT
I wouldn't think there would be any issues with the girls visiting his church - it is just the one time...no harm done with one church visit. If the Dad invited them to come to the church... I wouldn't have an issue.. but to say you have to come to my church in order to hang out with my daughter? If he is busy preaching he can't get to know my kid and decide if she is a safe kid for his daughter to hang out with. He's working. |
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Post by pastlifepea on Mar 30, 2017 12:42:16 GMT
I grew up as a preacher's daughter and my dad would NEVER have required that, despite being pretty conservative about most things. Honestly, I'd let her go to church if she wants to but I'd be uncomfortable with the situation where would be knowingly helping conspire to deceive her parents. I might totally disagree with their views, but I wouldn't take kindly to another parent helping my kid to do something I don't want her to do.
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schizo319
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,030 
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Post by schizo319 on Mar 30, 2017 12:49:01 GMT
Nope, nope, nope. I wouldn't want to be sending the message to my DD that it's okay for her to be used by her "friends".
Also, being a non-Christian in the South, I have a really bad taste in my mouth about the seemingly mandatory church service before allowing the girls to get together - I imagine he'd be shitting bricks if you required his DD to attend a Muslim or Jewish church service before she was allowed to hang out with your DD.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 30, 2017 12:53:33 GMT
So my daughter absolutely does not want to go to church. She said if the friend invited her to the church, like in I want you to come check it out because I love it here. She probably would have. But the fact that she has to go to church to hang out with the friend she said no. She told the minister's daughter, she doesn't go to church. She told the other friend she is available to come over to her house, but if the friend wants to just hang out with the minister's daughter because the other friend is going to church. That is fine too. My daughter totally came up with how to handle it herself. I was pretty surprised with the request to come to church before they could hang out. I totally get come to my house first... or some sort of neutral place. My first reaction was sure you can go to church, then I would like to take the minster's daughter to my church, Biscuit Head and talk about how God doesn't exist for a few hours, then she can hang with my kid!  As for the decoy... It doesn't sit right with me either. I don't understand how two kids who have never seen each other outside of drama school, can "date". But that is between the minister and his daughter. I don't think my kid should lie, or hide the truth or cover up for a kid and his/her parents. But at the end of the day, that is between them. My kid needs to decide what she wants to do based on her own preferences... if she wants to hang out with the girls and she doesn't feel like a 3rd wheel. Great. I have a feeling she would end up not wanting to hang out with them again. |
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Post by anonrefugee on Mar 30, 2017 13:00:08 GMT
Wasn't there a recent thread here about middle school drama? This seems full of potential. I wouldn't want my child learning it's okay to deceive anyone, not just parents. A single church visit is the least of the problems with this group. ETA sorry ktdoesntscrap, slow typing missed your response. It's cool your DD thought through the problem! |
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schizo319
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,030
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Post by schizo319 on Mar 30, 2017 13:02:26 GMT
My daughter totally came up with how to handle it herself. Good for her! (and good for you for raising such a decisive, intelligent, thoughtful kid - You must be very proud) |
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 30, 2017 15:09:07 GMT
Wasn't there a recent thread here about middle school drama? This seems full of potential. I wouldn't want my child learning it's okay to deceive anyone, not just parents. A single church visit is the least of the problems with this group. ETA sorry ktdoesntscrap , slow typing missed your response. It's cool your DD thought through the problem! Yes! With my daughter at her regular school. Usually her drama friends are drama free! They are really a great group of very supportive kids... very accepting of all types of kids. Which is probably why this threw me for a loop.. didn't phase DD. |
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 30, 2017 15:10:15 GMT
My daughter totally came up with how to handle it herself. Good for her! (and good for you for raising such a decisive, intelligent, thoughtful kid - You must be very proud) Thank you. I am proud. She really is very thoughtful and that makes being her Mom a joy and so much easier. |
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,458
Location: MN
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Post by smcast on Mar 30, 2017 15:43:02 GMT
Sounds like it all shook out well.
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grammanisi
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by grammanisi on Mar 30, 2017 19:07:42 GMT
My daughter and the other girl are in 8th grade... the minister's in 7th. Okay. I was wondering if they were all close to the same age. I agree with others that have said 7th grade is young to be "dating". |
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Post by malibou on Mar 30, 2017 20:05:33 GMT
Your daughter handled it beautifully. All the way around. What a testament to the lovely girl you are raising.
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Post by utpea on Mar 30, 2017 20:24:43 GMT
I agree with what several have already said. Sounds like your daughter handled things like a champ! Good for her (and great job momma)!
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by AnotherPea on Mar 30, 2017 22:26:57 GMT
Eh, I work with lots of young teen girls. And I've had a lot in my family. Things get lost when translated by those creatures. Their perceptions, compiled with their spins, don't always meet reality. I'd raise an eyebrow, ask my kid what she wanted, and then investigate on my own by calling the dad before I made any decisions.
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Post by gar on Mar 30, 2017 22:50:06 GMT
I wouldn't think there would be any issues with the girls visiting his church - it is just the one time...no harm done with one church visit. For me it would be the principle. |
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Post by hop2 on Mar 30, 2017 23:15:56 GMT
Sounds like your DD has a good head on her shoulders
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by cycworker on Mar 30, 2017 23:21:10 GMT
I'm really, really torn.
On the one hand, I get what you're all saying. On the other hand, whether it's something I was born with or something I picked up tacitly from parental teaching, or a bit of both, I have always had a strong pull toward supporting the underdog. As a result, a part of me would be really disappointed, were I in the OP's position, if my child was unwilling to help these kids. A part of me would be tempted to tell her she had to go & be the 'decoy,' as it were.
I just can't imagine what it's like for this young woman to be living in a home like that. She needs all the help she can get. A church service really won't hurt OP's daughter, and if it creates an opportunity where the OP can be a safe place for this kid and possibly even take her in if it comes down to it, that's fantastic & totally worthwhile.
We ARE all our brothers' keepers. When we see someone in trouble, we're supposed to help. Aren't we?
I'm just disappointed by the lack of empathy for this girl; this willingness to say,"Not my problem." It's become, imo, endemic in our culture & it scares me. I was raised to put others first, even to the point of personal sacrifice (because in fact if it's too easy & you aren't making any kind of personal sacrifice, it doesn't really count as putting others first).
ETA: Sorry if this post comes across harsh... I was going to post earlier this morning but I waited, because I knew I needed to think about my response. Had I posted earlier, it would've a much more harsh, knee jerk response.
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Post by utpea on Mar 31, 2017 3:01:55 GMT
I'm really, really torn. On the one hand, I get what you're all saying. On the other hand, whether it's something I was born with or something I picked up tacitly from parental teaching, or a bit of both, I have always had a strong pull toward supporting the underdog. As a result, a part of me would be really disappointed, were I in the OP's position, if my child was unwilling to help these kids. A part of me would be tempted to tell her she had to go & be the 'decoy,' as it were. I just can't imagine what it's like for this young woman to be living in a home like that. She needs all the help she can get. A church service really won't hurt OP's daughter, and if it creates an opportunity where the OP can be a safe place for this kid and possibly even take her in if it comes down to it, that's fantastic & totally worthwhile. We ARE all our brothers' keepers. When we see someone in trouble, we're supposed to help. Aren't we? I'm just disappointed by the lack of empathy for this girl; this willingness to say,"Not my problem." It's become, imo, endemic in our culture & it scares me. I was raised to put others first, even to the point of personal sacrifice (because in fact if it's too easy & you aren't making any kind of personal sacrifice, it doesn't really count as putting others first). ETA: Sorry if this post comes across harsh... I was going to post earlier this morning but I waited, because I knew I needed to think about my response. Had I posted earlier, it would've a much more harsh, knee jerk response. I consider myself to be a very empathetic person and I think most people root for the underdog. I can't fathom a situation where I'd tell my child that they "had" to be part of a plan to deceive somebody's parents. I'd certainly never make them do something where they'd feel like a third wheel. In my experience, that feels shitty. I can't quite wrap my brain around your opinion that the OP's daughter should make this personal sacrifice so two middle-school aged girls can be together for a secretive date. I'm truly not trying to be snarky when I ask why you seem to think that the OP's daughter has, in your opinion, seemingly wronged these two friends. Can you explain that further? Am I missing something from the situation? |
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Post by miominmio on Mar 31, 2017 8:52:58 GMT
I wouldn't think there would be any issues with the girls visiting his church - it is just the one time...no harm done with one church visit. Even as a non-Christian in a very secular country, I would react very, very strongly if someone made a church visit mandatory for my kids to be friends with their kids. It just reeks of disrespect for others' values, and possibly as a (not very) covert attempt at "making the child see the light". Just thinking about it, and it's not even my kid, makes my blood boil. |
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