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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 30, 2017 0:37:58 GMT
My daughter has two friends from her theatre program, they all go to different schools. One friend invited the other two girls to her house to hang out. (Not a sleepover) One girl is new to the program and to town. She texted DD and the girl whose house they are going to hang out and said. "Hey my Dad wants you guys to come to our church before we hang out, can you come on Sunday?" Her Dad is a minister, I have meet him he seems like a nice laid back kind of guy. What would you do? Would you reach out to the Dad? Would you take your kid to his church? We don't go to church and are not Christians. The other part of the story... Things I know: he would not let his daughter be in the play they are doing this spring because two boys kiss in it. (Almost Maine). The program is middle and high school students mainly 8-11th grade. The ministers daughter is in 7th grade.. so they put her with the very large class of 6th graders who are doing a different show with no kissing. I don't know if he had a problem with kissing or boys kissing. His daughter has come out to all the kids at theatre and initially said her parents knew she was a lesbian, then walked that back. The other two girls are "Dating" but the minister and wife don't know this. Her parents know she is a lesbian and are aware that the other girls parents do not know. The reason I bring this up is my daughter said she was invited along because then the minister wouldn't be suspicious. She is friends with the girls and they will have fun hanging out.. but she says they call her the decoy! My daughter and I have discussed it and I know what we are doing... but I am curious what others would do. **************************** How we handled it.... So my daughter absolutely does not want to go to church. She said if the friend invited her to the church, like in I want you to come check it out because I love it here. She probably would have. But the fact that she has to go to church to hang out with the friend she said no. She told the minister's daughter, she doesn't go to church. She told the other friend she is available to come over to her house, but if the friend wants to just hang out with the minister's daughter because the other friend is going to church. That is fine too. My daughter totally came up with how to handle it herself. I was pretty surprised with the request to come to church before they could hang out. I totally get come to my house first... or some sort of neutral place. My first reaction was sure you can go to church, then I would like to take the minster's daughter to my church, Biscuit Head and talk about how God doesn't exist for a few hours, then she can hang with my kid! As for the decoy... It doesn't sit right with me either. I don't understand how two kids who have never seen each other outside of drama school, can "date". But that is between the minister and his daughter. I don't think my kid should lie, or hide the truth or cover up for a kid and his/her parents. But at the end of the day, that is between them. My kid needs to decide what she wants to do based on her own preferences... if she wants to hang out with the girls and she doesn't feel like a 3rd wheel. Great. I have a feeling she would end up not wanting to hang out with them again.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,091
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Mar 30, 2017 0:42:54 GMT
Too much drama potential.
Your family already has plans.
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Mar 30, 2017 0:44:43 GMT
I would not want my child to be used as a decoy to deceive the parents. So no, she would not be going to the house to hang out.
As far as the church visit - I'm undecided. Partially depends on whether you want to encourage this friendship or not.
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Post by peasapie on Mar 30, 2017 0:46:06 GMT
So it's your daughter and two female friends, one of whom is the minister's daughter.
Minister's daughter is gay but her parents don't know.
Minister's daughter and the other friend are a couple and your daughter is the decoy. Do I have that right? If so,
If I were your daughter, I wouldn't want to be a decoy for any couple - same sex or otherwise. I would feel that I was being used and also that I was being part of a lie.
I don't know why minister wants them to come to his church.
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 30, 2017 0:48:53 GMT
I would let dd go to church if she wanted to go. If she didnt, she would say no thank you.
If the girls were using dd only as a decoy to make out, that is one thing. If they are hanging out as a couple plus a friend, that is another.
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smcast
Drama Llama
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Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Mar 30, 2017 0:51:44 GMT
Church-no. I would tell them thanks but no thanks. Own family plans. I wouldn't feel comfortable with being the "decoy" or being deceptive or having my dd be one.
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Sarah*H
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Jun 25, 2014 20:07:06 GMT
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Post by Sarah*H on Mar 30, 2017 0:52:44 GMT
DS is best friends with a group of 3 other guys and one of them has a very religious family. When they became friends, he was quickly invited to attend church as a prelude to attending brunch afterwards. The way to a teenage boy's heart is through food, right? We talked about it and DS decided he was okay with it. He's confident in what he believes and can handle attending a church service every once in awhile. Things got a bit dicey immediately after the election when the minister used the pulpit to celebrate Trump but otherwise, DS makes it through the occasional service without much angst. So all of that is to say, I'd leave it up to your daughter.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 30, 2017 0:56:07 GMT
So it's your daughter and two female friends, one of whom is the minister's daughter. Minister's daughter is gay but her parents don't know. Minister's daughter and the other friend are a couple and your daughter is the decoy. Do I have that right? If so, If I were your daughter, I wouldn't want to be a decoy for any couple - same sex or otherwise. I would feel that I was being used and also that I was being part of a lie. I don't know why minister wants them to come to his church. In a nutshell
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 30, 2017 0:57:09 GMT
I would let dd go to church if she wanted to go. If she didnt, she would say no thank you. If the girls were using dd only as a decoy to make out, that is one thing. If they are hanging out as a couple plus a friend, that is another. They are all three friends I think my daughter would freak if they wanted to make out!!
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Post by littlemama on Mar 30, 2017 0:57:19 GMT
If your daughter wants to go to church, she should go to church. If she is comfortable being the decoy (by that, I mean that all three would interact as friends), then she should hang out with them. If she isn't comfortable with those things, she should decline.
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Post by hop2 on Mar 30, 2017 0:58:25 GMT
I would encourage my DD ( or DS ) to opt out of any thing resembling being a 'decoy'. Same as the person whose house you pretend to go to but you really go somewhere else. It's too deceptive. It's going to end up in drama. I would strongly encourage my child to not get involved in things like that because my kid is essentially risking their place in the program if stuff blows up. Actively deceiving people never ends well. Yet in your child's situation I would probably not forbid it because at that age it will be a good lesson to learn before they are older and it involves illegal stuff like drugs or alcohol, I'd want the lesson learned earlier than that.
Lastly the church thing would not bother me if it did not bother my child. That's a big whatever to me.
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Post by myshelly on Mar 30, 2017 1:01:01 GMT
My child doesn't hang out with kids who have church as a prerequisite for being friends.
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Post by pierkiss on Mar 30, 2017 1:04:59 GMT
No. There's too much about this situation hat says no to me. Have them all over to your house a different weekend.
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Post by Skellinton on Mar 30, 2017 1:26:22 GMT
I would have no problem with the church thing, or the three hanging out thing, my sole problem is the "decoy" factor. I wouldn't want my child to think I was condoning her helping her friends lie to their parents. The deceptiveness of the "decoy" would bother me.
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paigepea
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Mar 30, 2017 1:34:47 GMT
We're Jewish and the church thing would not bother me. I see the church as a safe place for them to hang out before getting together. If it was something more than that then dd would probably decline a second invitation.
The house thing - sounds innocent enough. If your dd is bored because of the couple getting together then she probably wouldn't go again. I wouldn't make an issue out of any of this.
ETA: wait - is your dd lying. If my dd was lying about who was going to house I'd be upset.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 30, 2017 1:39:56 GMT
No. There's too much about this situation hat says no to me. Have them all over to your house a different weekend. that would still require a trip to the minister's church.... at least my daughter thinks it is a pre-requisite for socializing with the minister's daughter.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 30, 2017 1:44:30 GMT
We're Jewish and the church thing would not bother me. I see the church as a safe place for them to hang out before getting together. If it was something more than that then dd would probably decline a second invitation. The house thing - sounds innocent enough. If your dd is bored because of the couple getting together then she probably wouldn't go again. I wouldn't make an issue out of any of this. ETA: wait - is your dd lying. If my dd was lying about who was going to house I'd be upset. No! My daughter is not lying. I think the only person who is being deceptive is the minister's daughter... its a tricky line. She is not telling her parents she is "dating" the hostess... but I don't think that in and of itself is odd for middle school kids. I don't know what her parents rules are for her to date... but based on not allowing her to be in play because someone kisses, I imagine they don't want her dating in 7th grade.
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Post by melanell on Mar 30, 2017 1:49:51 GMT
I wouldn't want to encourage my child to help other kids lie to/deceive their (her) parents. I feel for the girls in that they feel they need to hide their relationship, but I wouldn't be comfortable giving my child the go ahead to help them deceive the parent(s).
Kids often do enough of that kind of thing on their own without a parent actually going along with it, so I would try to convince my child to steer clear of the entire situation.
Plus, to a certain degree I also agree with the drama angle. Sometimes drama finds you without your permission, but I see no reason to invite it in voluntarily.
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Post by Really Red on Mar 30, 2017 1:52:56 GMT
I think 7th graders are too young to date, regardless of orientation. I am not a big fan of sending my child to churches where people prosthelytize. I think church is not a bad thing, although I do not believe. I think you can always learn something, but it's hard for kids to understand that.
I think your daughter is old enough to make this decision herself. I'd tell her my thoughts (i.e., do you want to be a decoy?), but it would be her choice.
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melissa
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Jun 25, 2014 20:45:00 GMT
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Post by melissa on Mar 30, 2017 2:00:17 GMT
The church issue: I suspect the minister is asking them to come to his church as a chance to see what the kids are like on his home turf. I'd prefer an invitation to their home or something more casual, but I'd have no issue if dd wanted to go- and we are Jewish. Dd did go to church with some friends when she was 18. It was one of those popular large, rock ministry type places. Said it was loud but the music was good and made some sociological observations. I think the only other time she went to church was for a christening.
The play issue: When I was in high school, a minister's daughter was in the spring musical, Pippin. I imagine if we had the internet back then and he had done some more research, she would not have been allowed to be in it. The show was sold out so a Sunday matinee was added. She was absolutely not allowed to perform on Sunday.
The lesbian thing: I am a little confused about whose parents know and don't know. Nevertheless, it is never all that fun to hand out with another couple no matter what gender the participants.
The decision: Up to your dd.
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grammanisi
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Jun 26, 2014 1:37:37 GMT
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Post by grammanisi on Mar 30, 2017 2:10:50 GMT
How old is your daughter and the other girl(not minister's daughter)?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 21, 2024 0:49:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2017 2:13:49 GMT
I wouldn't let my dd hang out this time. I don't know what the motive of the minister Dad is or the motive of the new kid. None of it sits well with me. Seems like too much potential for drama for such young kids. (I have a 6th grader)
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Post by pierkiss on Mar 30, 2017 2:42:33 GMT
No. There's too much about this situation hat says no to me. Have them all over to your house a different weekend. that would still require a trip to the minister's church.... at least my daughter thinks it is a pre-requisite for socializing with the minister's daughter. What? That is so weird to me.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 30, 2017 3:04:50 GMT
I think I would talk to my kid and ask her if she feels okay with helping her friend to lie to her parents, and let her know that I don't think it's a good idea and why. I would hope my kid would not want to be a part of anything like that, making the church thing a non-issue too. I think as for hanging out with the other two, considering they think of themselves as a couple, I wouldn't have a problem with it but I would think my kid probably wouldn't want to feel like a third wheel if they were being all lovey-dovey with each other.
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 30, 2017 3:23:11 GMT
I would ask my kid what she wanted to do. Let her talk through the pros and cons and make a decision for herself. Kids need to be given situations where they make decisions. It isn't life or death, so it seems like a good decision for her to make.
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zella
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Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Mar 30, 2017 3:29:08 GMT
Manipulative much? The minister, I mean. No, I would NOT be going to church. And while I would let my daughter go if she really wanted to, I would hope she'd say no. It's one thing to insist on meeting the parents (or the kids) before allowing your kid to spend time at someone else's house. It's another thing entirely to insist the kids and/or parents must go to church. No freaking way!
I feel really bad for the daughter. She is going to have a tough road ahead.
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Post by anniefb on Mar 30, 2017 3:41:23 GMT
I would have no problem with the church thing, or the three hanging out thing, my sole problem is the "decoy" factor. I wouldn't want my child to think I was condoning her helping her friends lie to their parents. The deceptiveness of the "decoy" would bother me. That ^^
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Post by Lexica on Mar 30, 2017 4:16:00 GMT
I think it is a great opportunity to sit down with your daughter and discuss the various aspects of this and how she feels about it. I wouldn't feel right just saying no and I wouldn't feel right with a plain yes either.
What bothers me is the deception to the parents. I don't think the minister's daughter is wrong for keeping this from her parents. She is the only one that can decide if and when to do so, and should not be pressured into it. That is my feelings, and I would want to express this to my daughter. I would make it clear that I really dislike deceit, but that this is an unusual situation and as much as I don't condone it, I certainly understand it and would not judge the young girl.
That being made very clear, I would ask my daughter how she feels about the whole decoy thing. Will the couple put her in an uncomfortable situation? Does she feel used at all? Or is this just three girls hanging out together with no focus brought to the couplehood of the other girls?
Bottom line for me, after discussing these things, I would strongly encourage my daughter to go with her own decision on this one. I am impressed that she confides in you to this degree and that is something I would never want to damage or discourage. She sounds mature enough to talk things over with you and make her own call this time.
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Post by sunnyd on Mar 30, 2017 4:33:42 GMT
Super weird that a minister requires his daughter's friends to attend his church in order to be friends with his daughter. That's even freakier than the religious fanatics I know. What does he think attending his church once is going to prove? I wouldn't support that as a requirement for friendship. Does your dd want to attend church?
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Post by scrapmaven on Mar 30, 2017 4:35:33 GMT
As a Jew, I wouldn't mind my children going to church in order to meet someone's parents. However, I wouldn't want my child to be a decoy or to help another child deceive their parents. On the other hand, I feel sad about the child who has to hide the fact hat she's a lesbian. She's too young to date, but she's not too young to be loved for who she is and if she already has to hide her authentic self then she's going to have a really rough teen experience, because of parents who won't accept her. So sad.
Your dd will likely be uncomfortable being a decoy, but if she wants to be a true friend the she'll stand by her friend's side as her friend deals w/coming out to her parents.
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