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Post by Delta Dawn on Mar 30, 2017 22:01:24 GMT
I have a son and he is intense. He doesn't laugh or smile ever. I don't know that he is ever really happy. He shows no emotion over anything anymore. He used to be happy if I bought him a new Lego set or a new video game or something. Now he is so intense about anything. It could be dinner and I make his favourite food, but he just eats and cleans up and goes to his room. I know he liked the food. Does he want to tell me? No. If I didn't initiate conversation at dinner we wouldn't talk. It's not because he is a moody person. He doesn't get into a bad mood ever really. He just doesn't talk.
I know he loves me and he knows I adore him. He was the most amazing teenager and now young adult. Just so intense!!!!! I have to watch everything I say to him because it might make him angry (I can't say anything lighthearted) or it will make him stop talking. He doesn't carry on a conversation with me about anything. He says words like "I ordered my new tires today". I would say "Oh that's great. When will they arrive or were they expensive?" or anything to increase dialogue with him. His answer will be "Soon" or "yes". He doesn't say any words more than he needs to.
I had some nice health news for him that I thought he would like to hear. He was glad but not happy. There is no joy in his life. Is it because he is Japanese as well as Canadian? He really isn't a happy person outwards.
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Post by KB on Mar 30, 2017 22:04:14 GMT
Maybe he just needs some space.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
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Post by georgiapea on Mar 30, 2017 22:21:52 GMT
So if you said "Hey, cookie, whazzup", he might get mad? Surely not. I mean he might respond with Mom are you ok, you're talkin' a little funny there", or "Mom, you been hittin' the sauce a bit heavy"? I would probably go on with my lighthearted conversation and hope he'd join in.
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Post by Zee on Mar 30, 2017 22:53:56 GMT
My son is often like that though he will open up from time to time. Oddly one of the things we enjoy doing together is making fun of Hallmark movies, the cheesier the better. I can't ask him to watch it, he has to happen upon me watching and he'll start lurking until I notice him and make a comment. Then he joins in.
He's very intense and often moody. I mostly give him his space. He's super annoying to communicate with unless it's his idea.
We were just talking about this a couple days ago, when he was feeling chatty. He told me he's almost never actually happy. But he was laughing about it being just part of who he is.
A few years ago I felt he was seriously depressed and got him to agree to counseling. It helped, but it didn't change who he is. I miss my smiley, excited little boy, but everyone has to grow up. I hope some day he regains a little joy.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Mar 30, 2017 23:02:14 GMT
My son is often like that though he will open up from time to time. Oddly one of the things we enjoy doing together is making fun of Hallmark movies, the cheesier the better. I can't ask him to watch it, he has to happen upon me watching and he'll start lurking until I notice him and make a comment. Then he joins in. He's very intense and often moody. I mostly give him his space. He's super annoying to communicate with unless it's his idea. We were just talking about this a couple days ago, when he was feeling chatty. He told me he's almost never actually happy. But he was laughing about it being just part of who he is. A few years ago I felt he was seriously depressed and got him to agree to counseling. It helped, but it didn't change who he is. I miss my smiley, excited little boy, but everyone has to grow up. I hope some day he regains a little joy. Ok thank you. That is my son. That is exactly my son. I thought he was just being Japanese but apparently these creatures exist in North American culture, too. I just give him space. I knock on his door which is always closed and ask if I can come in. His door is never *ever* open. It's always like I am intruding. That said he wants to eat dinner at home every night he can. He doesn't like going out during the week (pure torture) and on the weekend it's just as bad. He loves me but hates me, too. He kisses and hugs me. He likes to hold my hand when we are together at the dinner table or in my room. He needs the security or something which melts my heart. He said to me once (during a meltdown) that I never laugh or smile around him. I am WTF? I am always laughing or smiling. I talk to my friends and we joke, we're sarcastic, we laugh about silly things and deep things. We laugh at stupidity and funny things. I am terrified to laugh in front of him because he is so serious and i am afraid of pissing him off. How do I win this? I know he loves me but I don't think he likes me as a person maybe and he is finding that out. He is so intense! |
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Post by Delta Dawn on Mar 30, 2017 23:18:46 GMT
Also, we communicate by text from a floor away. I am afraid of intruding and so I text "Dinner". Did you do this as a kid? Did you go to this kind of party? That kind of thing. I am afraid of asking him a question because he will give me a yes or no answer with no details. At least if I text he will give me a sentence.
He is a gamer. I would love to buy him a video game like I used to in the past. He has pre-ordered every game in the world that he is going to want to play already. He has pre-ordered up to 3 years in advance. I will ask him in August or September if there is a new game to be released soon so I can get it for his birthday in October. He says no it's already pre-ordered and he doesn't need it. I think his love language is food. The only way I am able to show affection to him is to cook the food he wants to eat.
He wanted these jeans for his birthday in October but they sold out too quickly. I said well any time you find something else you want let me know. A month ago he found some pants he wanted. I said let's order them. That was a month ago. He doesn't deal in cash so giving him money doesn't work either. He hates Visa gift cards, too. The pants??? I will order them right now if he will tell me the size and colour he wants. Nope. Not ready yet.
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basketdiva
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by basketdiva on Mar 31, 2017 0:02:47 GMT
Didn't he just graduate? He more than likely has enough on his mind without Mom always asking questions ( his perception).
Also you say: I am terrified to laugh in front of him because he is so serious and i am afraid of pissing him off Once again you are letting him control your actions. You have said in the past that you walk on eggshells around him and he knows this. He knows you will cook all his favorite meals too.
So he wants to stay in his room and he doesn't give lengthy answers to questions. That's him right now. You can stress over it or let him live his own life.
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Post by Zee on Mar 31, 2017 1:00:44 GMT
I would urge you to tell him that his behavior hurts you, but that you will do your best not to pester him. You should feel free to laugh in your own home and not have to be worried that you'll anger him though. Maybe that's just your perception.
I don't let my son's moods dictate my behavior. Laugh if you want to, tell him a silly joke if you're in a good mood. He can move right on out if he doesn't like it, he's over 18 and is lucky to have a free place to live with home cooked meals. (I never cook for my son, he barely eats enough to keep a fly alive and even then it's mainly cereal and pizza).
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Mar 31, 2017 1:15:09 GMT
Meh, it might just be his personality.
But his personality should not dictate your behavior. Don't worry about laughing in your own home. He doesn't have to join in, but he shouldn't rain on your parade, either.
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Post by gar on Mar 31, 2017 6:47:57 GMT
Did you do this as a kid? I know that was probably just an off the cuff remark, but he isn't a kid any more. Is there any possibility of him finding somewhere to live on his own or with a friend? I was desperate to fly the nest at that age...even my parents breathing was irritating and I felt suffocated by them simply being there. It's hard - they're ready to spread their wings but they can't and that's an hard for them. Certainly though you shouldn't suppress your smiles for him. |
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Post by Delta Dawn on Mar 31, 2017 6:52:30 GMT
Did you do this as a kid? I know that was probably just an off the cuff remark, but he isn't a kid any more. Is there any possibility of him finding somewhere to live on his own or with a friend? I was desperate to fly the nest at that age...even my parents breathing was irritating and I felt suffocated by them simply being there. It's hard - they're ready to spread their wings but they can't and that's an hard for them. Certainly though you shouldn't suppress your smiles for him. Yes, he would like to live on his own he says, but he can't find the "right" apartment yet. He was going to move out in January. It's almost April. I am not shoving him out, but he knows he is free to leave whenever he wants. Maybe by summer he will be ready to leave. He spent nearly 18 months on his own and he liked living at home better. The food was definitely better. I will ask him again in a few days what his long-term plans are. |
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Post by donna on Mar 31, 2017 9:56:34 GMT
ellanah, your son does sound very intense. I have a brother who is very intense. It can be so tiring and I worry that he never seems to be happy. I am the type of person that tries to live my life from a place of joy.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by mallie on Mar 31, 2017 10:55:44 GMT
My son is often like that though he will open up from time to time. Oddly one of the things we enjoy doing together is making fun of Hallmark movies, the cheesier the better. I can't ask him to watch it, he has to happen upon me watching and he'll start lurking until I notice him and make a comment. Then he joins in. He's very intense and often moody. I mostly give him his space. He's super annoying to communicate with unless it's his idea. We were just talking about this a couple days ago, when he was feeling chatty. He told me he's almost never actually happy. But he was laughing about it being just part of who he is. A few years ago I felt he was seriously depressed and got him to agree to counseling. It helped, but it didn't change who he is. I miss my smiley, excited little boy, but everyone has to grow up. I hope some day he regains a little joy. Ok thank you. That is my son. That is exactly my son. I thought he was just being Japanese but apparently these creatures exist in North American culture, too. I just give him space. I knock on his door which is always closed and ask if I can come in. His door is never *ever* open. It's always like I am intruding. That said he wants to eat dinner at home every night he can. He doesn't like going out during the week (pure torture) and on the weekend it's just as bad. He loves me but hates me, too. He kisses and hugs me. He likes to hold my hand when we are together at the dinner table or in my room. He needs the security or something which melts my heart. He said to me once (during a meltdown) that I never laugh or smile around him. I am WTF? I am always laughing or smiling. I talk to my friends and we joke, we're sarcastic, we laugh about silly things and deep things. We laugh at stupidity and funny things. I am terrified to laugh in front of him because he is so serious and i am afraid of pissing him off. How do I win this? I know he loves me but I don't think he likes me as a person maybe and he is finding that out. He is so intense! Why are you afraid that your happiness would piss him off? If he get pissed off when other people are happy, that is his problem. Don't let him be a fun sucker. Life is too short and too often filled with woe to let someone else rain on your parade. |
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