peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,948
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Aug 20, 2014 12:47:49 GMT
I just need to get this out somewhere. I guess I have been considered to be clinically depressed most of my life since I was a teen. I never really had therapy for it until about 8 years ago and skirted the issues until 3 years ago when I tried to end my life. Since then it has been a non-stop therapy session to work through all these issues that I have. The depression also stems from 4 miscarriages with the last one being in Feb of 2013. I have posted about these issues before so I won't go into any detail...that isn't why I am posting this. Last week we were on vacation. I heard about Robin Williams passing and the reasons and the subsequent FB posts and media coverage about mental illness. His death hit me pretty hard as it reminded me of my past which I am still ashamed of. I know I shouldn't be but I am and it is something I am working on. While on vacation, I also saw a lot of pregnant women and babies who were around 10 months old which is the age my baby would have been if he/she had survived. This past week has been pretty bad. My family knows about the miscarriages but they have no idea about the depression or other stuff and while I do not want to be that person who looks for sympathy on social media, I just feel like I cannot be myself, ever on FB for fear of my immediate family knowing what happened and all the questions and the "what is so wrong with your life that you would do something like that" looks. Does anyone else have to keep their pain private from family members? It is the same about my faith. After my attempt, I became a Christian and my family has accepted it but they still look at me funny when I talk about church and Christianity. These are things that define who I am and I own them but I hate having to hide behind a facade and pretend that I am fine. Part of my pain is the fact that I am working through some very tough stuff and instead of shoving it down, I am dealing with it, line by line. People have told me they admire me and wish they could deal with their past like me but the people that I really need to hear this from have no idea. It hurts. Thanks for listening. ETA: My husband knows everything. I am referring to my parents/siblings. Just to clarify
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Post by ScrapsontheRocks on Aug 20, 2014 12:50:37 GMT
I am listening. I think you are a very brave person and I wish you Peace.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 20, 2014 12:53:13 GMT
Oh, honey, I am so sorry. You've been through so much. It actually sounds to me as if you are really a very strong woman. Remember that!
I do not suffer from depression, but I can say I often have to put on a happy face. DH has battled cancer for 7 years. I am the one holding everyone together. I do have a couple great women in my life that I can open up to. Plus, my job just plain sucks right now. SUCKS. I can't quit because we have fantastic insurance and DH's medical expenses are enormous. DH knows I am not happy at my job, but I have to hide how much I hate it. He'd feel so guilty.
Hang in there, Pea-sister. Keep up with your therapy and hold your head high. I think you are a true warrior.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 20, 2014 12:58:30 GMT
You might be surprised if you shared with one or two close family members. You are probably not the only one putting on a facade. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, it is a chemical imbalance. Feel free to vent here and you will find yourself with plenty of peaple who understand.
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,948
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Aug 20, 2014 13:16:11 GMT
Thanks everyone. I see my therapist tomorrow and I am going to have to deal with this. I feel like I cannot move forward sometimes. I guess it doesn't help that my small group is doing a book on insecurity and that is bringing up all my insecurities. I had small group last night and I couldn't even bring them up. They seemed so silly and most of the other women were insecure about the similar things. I did tell them that I am not ready to share mine and the leader said that mine were probably the most honest because that is how I deal with things. I may or may not be able to share them with the group and they asked if I wanted to stop that study. I said no, I need to deal with these things. It hurts but it is worth it in the end. Eye on the prize, right?
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Post by shevy on Aug 20, 2014 13:18:04 GMT
Thankfully my husband is pretty good at listening and caring, so I can open up to him when my anxiety and resulting depression gets bad. I've been braver in the last week or so with Robin Williams and all the press surrounding it and opened up to a few friends. I was so surprized when they listened and didn't judge me. My famiy on the other hand knows nothing and it's that way for a reason. They're more of the buck up and be strong kind of people and wouldn't understand. But I'm with tincin, try to feel out one or two people to talk to about it. Or, keep posting here, because we will always listen.
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,948
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Aug 20, 2014 13:22:12 GMT
Shevy, that is exactly what my family is like as well. The problem is, they are part of the original problem. My bff at the time of my attempt was the first one I told and our friendship was really the catalyst that started everything. My acknowledgement of the problem just about ripped our friendship apart. I hurt her and I have apologized for it but I cannot go back to her. I cannot put her in that position and she is the one I want to talk to. It isn't fair to either of us if I do. I had/may still have boundary issues with her.
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Post by alibama on Aug 20, 2014 13:37:02 GMT
I am sorry you are going through this. You have been through so much. I do hope you can find someone to talk to but if not we are always here and we will listen!
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Post by shevy on Aug 20, 2014 13:43:56 GMT
Shevy, that is exactly what my family is like as well. The problem is, they are part of the original problem. My bff at the time of my attempt was the first one I told and our friendship was really the catalyst that started everything. My acknowledgement of the problem just about ripped our friendship apart. I hurt her and I have apologized for it but I cannot go back to her. I cannot put her in that position and she is the one I want to talk to. It isn't fair to either of us if I do. I had/may still have boundary issues with her. Remember, there were crappy posts about depression and Robin Williams on social media. But there were just as many, if not MORE posts supporting those with depression. Posts about how it's not something you do to others or can just get over. And there were so many people on my feed who were speaking out about their journey with depression. It made me realize that we are ALL works in progress. If you need to talk, I am sincerely offering up my ears. They're open anytime for listening.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 10, 2024 2:24:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2014 13:46:54 GMT
I know how you feel about keeping it to yourself. No one knows about my depression. My depression is coming (mostly) from outside sources, in other words not from me directly. I can only work on myself to correct how I deal with these sources and to heck with everything else. I too feel like my family and friends would question why I am depressed because from the outside looking it, it looks rosy. But, they do not live inside my home. They do not deal with what I deal with. I have put a pretty face to the outside world for too long and in trying to save someone else, I have lost myself.
I kind of rattle on and I am sorry. Just focus on you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 10, 2024 2:24:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2014 13:49:37 GMT
First {{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}
Second, screw what other people think. Don't hide what you're dealing with going through. Don't hide your faith for fear of what others will say (or not say).
I'm the survivor of sexual abuse from my father. Like you, for years I hid that because I thought no one wanted or needed to hear about my struggles as a child. What I learned though is that when I started opening up, it was not only freeing for me but I found that I wasn't alone!! People started opening up to me...and I could see what a relief it was for them. And I was helping those, who never experienced my kind of pain, to know that "normal" people suffer from these things.
And talking about your faith? It isn't easy, I know. I'm in the infancy stages of doing so myself. BUT, when I do? I'm see the "fruits" of letting it out. Especially in my immediate family. At first, they were confused...why is Mom talking this way? Oh no! She's turning all "religious" on us! Now? They are accepting of it and are starting to ask questions. I'm not "in your face about it" but I'm living it out loud, so to speak. And I'm growing in my faith because of it.
You should be proud of yourself that you have come this far. You have survived. You are trying to grow and heal. Give yourself credit for that. And be kind to yourself...you DO deserve that.
{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}
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Post by twistedscissors on Aug 20, 2014 14:15:17 GMT
Does anyone else have to keep their pain private from family members? It is the same about my faith. After my attempt, I became a Christian and my family has accepted it but they still look at me funny when I talk about church and Christianity. These are things that define who I am and I own them but I hate having to hide behind a facade and pretend that I am fine. Part of my pain is the fact that I am working through some very tough stuff and instead of shoving it down, I am dealing with it, line by line. People have told me they admire me and wish they could deal with their past like me but the people that I really need to hear this from have no idea. It hurts. Thanks for listening. I was abused as a child which also led to an abusive marriage. So I feel like its sorta my family's fault. I don't feel like I can tell them about everything I suffered in my 22 yr marriage. I'm now divorced and working on myself. I'm slowly getting stronger. I stopped going going to church while married cause my ex had different beliefs and it was easier to stay home and not argue about the differences. So when I divorced and tried to go back to church, it didn't feel like "home" anymore. I would like to find a different church away from my family. Its a struggle every day but I refuse to stop trying!
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ReneeH20
Full Member
Posts: 452
Jun 28, 2014 16:00:48 GMT
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Post by ReneeH20 on Aug 20, 2014 14:23:55 GMT
I do not suffer from depression, but my husband of 23 years does and so does one of my children. I also have another young adult child that is working through transgender issues. These are things not everybody understands. There was a period of time where I kept a lot of things to myself and ended up gaining a lot of weight. It's not healthy to keep things in. I also understand the need to be careful with who you share things with. Slowly, I have found a few people that I can be open with and that has helped a lot. You would probably be surprised that are more people with depression than you think. I usually test the waters a little to see what people's attitudes are.
(((HUGS)))
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,960
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Aug 20, 2014 14:25:32 GMT
I don't have any advice, I don't have any input, but I hear your pain and I wanted to say that I am listening. You are doing what you can to get to a better place. Stay strong. The peas are always here. I wish the best for you.
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Post by annabella on Aug 20, 2014 14:27:58 GMT
peppermintpatty and ReneeH20 - I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.
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ReneeH20
Full Member
Posts: 452
Jun 28, 2014 16:00:48 GMT
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Post by ReneeH20 on Aug 20, 2014 14:36:48 GMT
peppermintpatty and ReneeH20 - I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Thanks Annabella. When it's written out, it looks like it's a bad time. Those issues are just part of my ordinary life. I have friends that I trust that lighten the load. I am going on a 7 day trip with my bestie starting tomorrow. Life feels pretty good. I hope the OP finds people she can reach out to.
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,948
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Aug 20, 2014 14:43:50 GMT
ReneeH20, I will keep you in my thoughts as well. That must be tough to deal with. It is hard because I feel like I have lost the person that I could confide in the most. She is still in my life and I still trust her more than most but I don't want to be a burden to her. It was also easier when she lived here. She has since moved away (4 hours) and although it was the best for our relationship, it still stings not to have her here.
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Post by farmdpea on Aug 20, 2014 14:47:59 GMT
I can relate to a lot of what has been shared here. {hugs}
I only share on FB my "public persona" with little glimpses to the real me. TBH, I only let a select few know certain things about me, and I think that's for the best. Sounds like you have a good small group that can/will serve as a support system. Don't feel bad if you want to just go for coffee and chat with 1 or 2 ladies with whom you feel most comfortable. I've done that previously.
Like you, my closest friend moved away. We had a meltdown right before she moved. It has been a blessing, honestly. I can still talk with her thanks to phone and text, but it has forced me to seek other friendships as well.
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 20, 2014 15:03:41 GMT
PeppermintPatty, I hope you can feel reaching out to you. Pea-sister is a good phrase, we're here for support and perspective.
As someone who lost a loved one to depression, I can say I wish they'd been more honest with me. Part of my grief is the hurt from knowing they must not have trusted me enough to tell me. And if I was part of the problem, they didn't give me a chance to fix it. If there is just one close friend and family member, please tell them. They love you and want to know the Real you.
As far as social media goes- I get it. I created a separate page with my rarely used nickname. I use it for health and weight loss groups, and general things I don't want in my family friends feed. Maybe that would work for you? You could be in touch with support, but not have every neighbor know.
( yes, I see that conflicts with my honesty statement above. But it's two separate issues, at least to me.)
Ok, I am now crying a bit. Take care Pea Sisters. Thanks for coining phrase Mikkilynn!
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,948
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Aug 20, 2014 15:03:37 GMT
This is me EXACTLY! Even the forcing me to seek other friendships. That is why it was a good thing but it still hurts. Thank you.
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439
Location: Idaho
Jun 26, 2014 18:51:17 GMT
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Post by perumbula on Aug 20, 2014 15:05:06 GMT
My family knows I have depression. I have been open about that. None of them really know what that means. My husband is supportive and loving but I still don't talk things over with him. My kids just know it means "bad days" happen. My siblings and parents have no clue. None of them have ever been very sympathetic about my feelings or all that curious about my life, so I don't discuss it with them.
It's like having the Star Trek tar monster constantly standing behind you. Some days you can get a bit farther away. some days he's got you by the throat. It sucks.
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,948
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Aug 20, 2014 15:06:45 GMT
Perumbula, I am sorry that you have to feel that way as well. I totally understand.
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ReneeH20
Full Member
Posts: 452
Jun 28, 2014 16:00:48 GMT
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Post by ReneeH20 on Aug 20, 2014 15:19:29 GMT
ReneeH20, I will keep you in my thoughts as well. That must be tough to deal with. It is hard because I feel like I have lost the person that I could confide in the most. She is still in my life and I still trust her more than most but I don't want to be a burden to her. It was also easier when she lived here. She has since moved away (4 hours) and although it was the best for our relationship, it still stings not to have her here. That is the depression talking about not wanting to be a burden. It is sometimes hard for people to hear all the dark thoughts that depression brings on. I know things my husband has told me seriously scared me. Knowing there was nothing I could do. That type of talk is for therapy. Telling your friend you have depression is ok. Telling your friend you are feeling down and why is okay. Just talking about yourself and your problems and showing no interest in the other person is not okay. Sometimes just talking a little about it will make you feel better. Maybe your therapist could suggest a support group. I am sorry your bestie moved away. Mine hasn't lived by me in 25 years. Right now she is half a country away, but we get together every year and talk or text frequently. I do have friends locally though. That helps.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 20, 2014 15:23:52 GMT
I can only offer (((hugs)))
I understand about not being able to be open about both faith and depression. My mother believes depression is a made up illness that doctors created to make more money and that only weak people would claim to have it. My father is an atheist and openly mocks all religion.
I'm glad you are able to be open with your husband. (((hugs))) again.
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brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
Jun 26, 2014 16:09:34 GMT
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Post by brandy327 on Aug 20, 2014 15:30:44 GMT
I do not suffer from depression nor does any of my family (that I know of). I just want to give you all virtual hugs and let you know that I'm thinking of you all. <3
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Post by shevy on Aug 20, 2014 16:06:47 GMT
PeppermintPatty, I hope you can feel reaching out to you. Pea-sister is a good phrase, we're here for support and perspective. As someone who lost a loved one to depression, I can say I wish they'd been more honest with me. Part of my grief is the hurt from knowing they must not have trusted me enough to tell me. And if I was part of the problem, they didn't give me a chance to fix it. If there is just one close friend and family member, please tell them. They love you and want to know the Real you. As far as social media goes- I get it. I created a separate page with my rarely used nickname. I use it for health and weight loss groups, and general things I don't want in my family friends feed. Maybe that would work for you? You could be in touch with support, but not have every neighbor know. ( yes, I see that conflicts with my honesty statement above. But it's two separate issues, at least to me.) Ok, I am now crying a bit. Take care Pea Sisters. Thanks for coining phrase Mikkilynn! Anon, I don't think it's that they didn't trust you at all. It's that no one wants to burdon someone else with something so heavy. I definately feel for you.
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Post by red88 on Aug 20, 2014 16:29:24 GMT
To answer you question "Does anyone else have to keep their pain private from family members?" Yes. I do. I have suffered untreated for years. I attempted suicide at age 16, the gun was loaded, but it misfired. Almost 2 years ago, my brother passed away from depression, he took his life. For almost 2 years I've guilt-ed myself into thinking it should have been me. Maybe if my attempt was successful, he'd still be here. He offered so much more to this world than I ever will. It's a daily struggle. No one knows my feelings. My husband only knows to an extent. This is the first time I've ever said these words to anyone. As far as religion, I grew up in a cult, & have discovered that I am more comfortable being an Atheist. This would not go well in my family. My family is very religious. I'm not sure what the future holds for me. As for now, I take it day by day, hour by hour. It's all I can do.
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Post by shevy on Aug 20, 2014 16:33:38 GMT
red88 Thank you for sharing. For letting us in and it out. Is there anything I can do to help support you?
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Post by farmdpea on Aug 20, 2014 16:34:11 GMT
{{{Ariel}}}
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,948
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Aug 20, 2014 16:44:08 GMT
Ariel, please do not feel like that! You do not know that for sure. You are just as worthy of being on this earth as your brother was. We all have our gifts to offer in this world. It is hard to see them and to realize that we all have something to offer. I don't think that having faith makes anyone stronger. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things, faith or no faith. What you need with depression is hope and the support of your husband. It sounds like you need to find someone to talk to about this beyond your husband. If my situation has done anything good, maybe it was to help you write out what you just did. Please message me if you want to talk. I am here just as all of these other wonderful ladies who have responded to my post.
((((hugs)))
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