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Post by freecharlie on Apr 13, 2017 2:36:30 GMT
UPDATE
I had decided to wait until their last court date and the divorce was final before sending a message so that neither of them could bring it up in court (just in case, idk,not experienced at this.
Instead she reached out to me.i told her I was sorry and promises to keep in touch.
Now I wish I had reached out first. I don't want her to think I only said those things because he reached out to me. Oh well, that horse has already left the barn.
I figure I will continue to like and post stuff on her wall and send her son a graduation card/gift as planned (hs grad). I know the in-laws won't and U am hoping BIL will because he has been in the kids life since the single digits.
Anyway, thought I would update.
***OP***
BIL and SIL are getting a divorce. It came pretty fast. One week they are celebrating their 13th anniversary and two weeks later they are getting a divorce. They been together as long as dh and I have.
BIL is dh's brother. They live across the country and o don't have a strong relationship with either and to tell the truth i don't like one more than the other (said because dh and his family hear bils side and decide she is a crazy bitch) and I am more neutral.
Anyway. Sil is a friend on fb. She has been posting some memes about being strong and not caring about people who don't care about you and other things.
Should I reach out to her? If like to tell her that I am sorry for what she is going through. Id like to give her support.
I don't know to say it or even if I should.
What say the peas?
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:44:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2017 2:38:52 GMT
I would stay quiet right now.
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Post by mrgiedrnkr on Apr 13, 2017 2:39:17 GMT
I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this." I did it to a cousin-in-law when the situation warranted it.
Stacy
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Post by Lexica on Apr 13, 2017 2:42:26 GMT
I don't think being kind is ever wrong. Would this upset your DH's family though? If they are the type to judge or be insulted that you are talking to her, then you will have to decide if you want to be in that position or not.
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Post by destined2bmom on Apr 13, 2017 2:44:09 GMT
I am on the fence. How friendly have you been with her over the years? Do you think it would create issues with your BIL, other in-laws or DH? I would ask DH if he minds that you are communicating with her. I would not want to get into the middle of their situation.
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 13, 2017 2:53:19 GMT
Dh wouldn't care one way or the other. My in-laws know that I am my own person and I can and will do what I want. BIL would be bitchy, but I don't really care. FIL would make an assholian comment where it tell him where to stuff it and we'd move on.
Sil and I are not overly close. I've actually spent more time with my ex-sil than my future ex-sil. But we've been friendly and interact on fb.
I'm 95% sure BIL either cheated (again) or they got drunk and in a fight.
I don't know why I want to reach out. By looking at her fb posts, she seems to be hurting even though she is the one that initiated the divorce. She hasn't unfriended us, so I feel like she still wants it needs the tie.
My kids really like her and she's always been good to them.
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Post by mom on Apr 13, 2017 2:55:33 GMT
I think you can reach out to her and let her know you're sorry and still be neutral.
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zztop11
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,573 
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Post by zztop11 on Apr 13, 2017 2:56:23 GMT
In my opinion, you've answered your own question when you said "My in-laws know that I am my own person and I can and will do what I want." I would say something nice and neutral to her if I were in that situation.
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 13, 2017 2:58:27 GMT
I would stay out of it unless she contacted me personally. In the end, you are always going to have the in-laws questioning your actions. Maybe wait to see if SIL wants your support. If she does, then take it from there.
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Post by padresfan619 on Apr 13, 2017 2:58:58 GMT
You don't have a strong relationship with her. Leave it alone.
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Post by hollymolly on Apr 13, 2017 2:59:06 GMT
It would have meant so much to me if someone from my husband's family had reached out to me during my divorce. They were my family too. It definitely added to my already significant pain that these people I loved cut me out of their lives and I never heard from them again. Support for her doesn't mean you are siding against your BIL, it just means you still care about her.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
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Post by azredhead on Apr 13, 2017 3:03:36 GMT
Depends on how close you are to her.. I wouldn't worry so much about the family if you know how their going to react. Maybe just even a general comment about the tough situation so it seems even..
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
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Post by scrapaddie on Apr 13, 2017 3:07:36 GMT
I am still friends (in real life) with my ex bil and I was friends with my ex mil until her death ( she even left me a little money in her will). It cAn be done.
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 13, 2017 3:07:57 GMT
It would have meant so much to me if someone from my husband's family had reached out to me during my divorce. They were my family too. It definitely added to my already significant pain that these people I loved cut me out of their lives and I never heard from them again. Support for her doesn't mean you are siding against your BIL, it just means you still care about her. this is kind of my thought. They were together for over 16 years. My in-laws never liked her. |
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Apr 13, 2017 3:09:44 GMT
I think you should do what you feel comfortable doing.
I'm like you I'm my own person and couldn't care a less what my inlaws think.
I think sending her a message saying you're thinking of her world be appreciated by her.
I've never understood families who've dropped a inlaw because of divorce. Some act like the other person never existed lol.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Apr 13, 2017 3:13:28 GMT
I don't know why I want to reach out. By looking at her fb posts, she seems to be hurting even though she is the one that initiated the divorce. She hasn't unfriended us, so I feel like she still wants it needs the tie. I'm going to guess you didn't mean it the way I am reading it, but it is quite likely she initiated the divorce because she is hurting. Anyhow, I don't think that sending her a note to say "I'm sorry you're going through this right now" is taking sides, meddling, interfering, sticking your nose in, or inappropriate. If you don't want to be quite as specific as to reference the divorce itself, you could say something like "It seems like you're hurting right now; I'm sorry. Here's a hug." |
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 13, 2017 3:18:49 GMT
I don't know why I want to reach out. By looking at her fb posts, she seems to be hurting even though she is the one that initiated the divorce. She hasn't unfriended us, so I feel like she still wants it needs the tie. I'm going to guess you didn't mean it the way I am reading it, but it is quite likely she initiated the divorce because she is hurting. Anyhow, I don't think that sending her a note to say "I'm sorry you're going through this right now" is taking sides, meddling, interfering, sticking your nose in, or inappropriate. If you don't want to be quite as specific as to reference the divorce itself, you could say something like "It seems like you're hurting right now; I'm sorry. Here's a hug." you are right, that sounds wrong. I don't know. I'm very close to dhs family and I know losing them would hurt on top of the divorce |
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Post by Belia on Apr 13, 2017 3:19:42 GMT
I would reach out. She's a human being going through a tough time, and you like her. It would just be a kind thing to do. I suppose I would leave the final decision up to DH, though.
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tanya2
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Refupea #1604
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Post by tanya2 on Apr 13, 2017 3:23:57 GMT
I agree, there's never anything wrong with saying something nice to someone. And if your bil doesn't like it, thats his problem
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 13, 2017 3:28:50 GMT
For those of you who would reach out, what would you say.
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Post by anniefb on Apr 13, 2017 4:13:38 GMT
I think you can reach out to her and let her know you're sorry and still be neutral.  SaveSave |
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Post by AussieMeg on Apr 13, 2017 4:19:18 GMT
For those of you who would reach out, what would you say. I think I would say something along the lines of what mrgiedrnkr suggested: "I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this." I wouldn't say anything like "Let me know if there's anything I can do anything for you" or anything like that, you might end up being dragged into the middle of a nasty dispute, or she could start contacting you all the time to talk about the situation. |
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Post by roberta on Apr 13, 2017 4:28:23 GMT
I don't think being kind is ever wrong. Would this upset your DH's family though? If they are the type to judge or be insulted that you are talking to her, then you will have to decide if you want to be in that position or not. Also consider the probability of any future relationship with her. divorce is people at their worst. |
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Post by destined2bmom on Apr 13, 2017 4:38:34 GMT
I would say "I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you and I am sorry that you are going through so much. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers." Something along those lines.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Apr 13, 2017 4:50:37 GMT
Holly said it much better than I ever could. Divorce is hard, whether you initiated it or not, and losing all those people you loved hurts. It would have meant a great deal to me, even if we didn't have a relationship in the future.
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Post by refugeepea on Apr 13, 2017 4:52:43 GMT
A private message on Facebook might be the safest route.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2017 5:18:54 GMT
Don't post any message on her wall as that will cause a family rukus.
I am glad my former sil reached out to me. We had been friends for 26 years. I'm not sure I would say we were close friends but certainly we had regular contact an a shared family story. It hurt to lose my spouse (he is the one to cheat and file for divorce) and it hurt to lose the connection with that side of the family.
She sent me a pm on facebook saying she missed our friendship and expressed how torn she felt in her loyalties. My ex is her only sibling. I told her I completely understood and as long as she didn't carry news about my current life to him I would love to have her back as a friend. We have an agreement; I never ask about him and she doesn't tell him about me. Our friendship is about her and I and love for nieces/nephews and their extending families as they have children.
So, if you want to keep in contact with her, even if just for the kids sake to keep an aunt they've loved, reach out. (assuming your dh is ok with keeping her in your family's circle)
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Apr 13, 2017 6:31:58 GMT
You can't go wrong by being kind and supportive to anyone. Your relationship with either of the parties is nobody's business but your own. Tell that to anyone who feels entitled to comment.
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michellegb
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Post by michellegb on Apr 13, 2017 9:00:31 GMT
It would have meant so much to me if someone from my husband's family had reached out to me during my divorce. They were my family too. It definitely added to my already significant pain that these people I loved cut me out of their lives and I never heard from them again. Support for her doesn't mean you are siding against your BIL, it just means you still care about her. I truly don't understand why people are forced to just pick sides and cut people out of their lives like they never existed. My former in-laws did this to me and it truly hurt. It's like I ceased to exist the minute their son decided our marriage was over. I would never treat someone that way. When my brother and his wife divorced, I remained on good terms with former SIL so that I could have a relationship with my nephew (which would not have happened if I relied on my brother to see him). I was "Switzerland" in their mess - I didn't talk about either of them or their divorce and was simply friendly to all (including the new SOs of each of them). It wasn't hard. It annoyed my brother because he wanted everyone to cut her out completely and it just wasn't happening. Yet this is the same brother that had my ex over his house a few times during our separation/divorce (which was many years after his). I never said a thing about it, because it's not my job to pick who he sees for any reason. Extending kindness (and it can be done without getting in the middle of the mess) is never wrong and often greatly appreciated. SaveSave |
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Post by mlynn on Apr 13, 2017 9:04:03 GMT
Respond in a PM instead of on her FB page.
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