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Post by wrongwayfeldman on May 1, 2017 21:46:39 GMT
UPDATE ON PAGE 2
I'm going to try to make this as short as possible.
DS, 11, 6th grade, rides the school bus daily, pretty full bus, two to a seat in most seats, assigned seats because of behavior problems, most of the "trouble makers" sit up front by the driver, DS sits about mid-way back.
Another student, K, sits near DS in another row, and has picked on DS as well as other kids throughout the year. Incidents involving DS have lessened over the last months, but averaged about once a week or two previously. We have no other contact or history with this kid, K, and have called the school and bus company about every other time there was an incident. Each time we complained, they either moved K temporarily to the front then back to his usual seat, or they "talked" to him, or they did nothing. Each time K got in this little bit of trouble, he would antagonize DS or other kids that called him out, but nothing too serious, and nothing physical. Most people would call him a brat, some might call him a bully, but it's definitely not getting better. DS is very docile, doesn't instigate trouble, keeps to himself, earbuds in, book in hand, tries to lay low. Sometimes he's just K's target for the day.
Today was another of those days.
Today, DS came in the door fighting back tears. He could barely breathe and was visibly shaken, very upset. His story about what happened today:
K asked DS about his fidget spinner that DS has carried to school very rarely, but had it out where K could see it. DS did not want to give it to K, so he said no. K snatched it from him and went back to his seat. He played with it a minute, DS asked for it back, K said no, DS asked again, K pretended to throw it out the bus window and then claimed he didn't have it.
DS sat back down in his seat, mad, but didn't know what to do. He knew K had it, but didn't want the confrontation.
K immediately started to tease him, saying he was crying, telling other students to look at him crying (DS wasn't crying) and several kids took notice and started to stare. The girl in DS's seat, not a friend just another student, started getting her face really close to DS, who had his hood up, trying to see if he was really crying. The kids were laughing and DS felt embarrassed and mad. He asked the girl to move away, to get back, to scoot over; several ways to get her to get out of his face, all the while K is continuing to egg on the group. Finally DS pushes the girls' arm to scoot her back, and K immediately starts calling DS an "idiot" "You just layed your hands on a girl! That's sexual harrassment!" and many start laughing. No one is helping him. No one is sticking up for him.
The bus stops at K's house soon and as he leaves the bus, he throws DS's spinner back at him, aggressively.
I'm just sick to my stomach for DS. He's so upset, and doesn't feel like there's anything he can do. We all KNOW what we're supposed to do; tell, report it, ask for help. BUT he's learned that it doesn't work. This kid will likely get a day off the bus, if anything. He's a grade older than DS so he feels intimidated even more so. He will target DS again for tattling, that's likely. DS feels disappointed in his peers that didn't have his back. He feels disappointed in the adults that allow the system to fail, and so do we. DH is ready to call the bus company, and the school, but DS worries about the retaliation. I'm sure they have bigger fish to fry, but to our DS and to us, this IS a big deal. I'm stuck for what to do. I know that I should demand that consequences be given out to K, but I also know that they'll be on the bus together in the future, and next school year for sure. The counselor at school was of little help: he pretty much reaffirmed my concerns, and said they could report it, but that in reality this kid K would not get much in the way of discipline, and that he personally never puts his own kids on the bus for these same reasons.
Our schedules don't work for us to pick him up every day, but if they did I'd do it in a second. DH and I are going to look at our options for us getting him picked up in the afternoons, as it only happens then and not typically in the mornings. I'm considering hiring someone to drive him back and forth each day next school year, if I can't find another alternative. As for now, I don't want to cave to this little shit kid on the bus, but I don't want to give him any more ammunition against my kid either. Please help me with some btdt advice.
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Post by littlemama on May 1, 2017 21:53:39 GMT
If there assigned seats on the bus, request that your ds not be seated near K, during the face to face conversation you are going to have with the principal of the school. During that conversation, make sure to use the word "bullying" and "bully" repeatedly.
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amom23
Drama Llama
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Post by amom23 on May 1, 2017 21:58:27 GMT
You have to report it to the school as they must have a bullying policy. Kids that age can really suck unfortunately, but that's no excuse to let a bully be a bully.
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Post by SockMonkey on May 1, 2017 21:58:57 GMT
The counselor at school was of little help: he pretty much reaffirmed my concerns, and said they could report it, but that in reality this kid K would not get much in the way of discipline, and that he personally never puts his own kids on the bus for these same reasons. I'd be scheduling a meeting with the principal. When a staff member acknowledges that there is a behavior problem that is not being appropriately addressed and admits he wouldn't allow his own child on the bus, the principal needs to know that. And I'd want to know what she/he intends to do about it. Perhaps the principal needs to do a few days of "riding the route" to let kids know that bullshit like that will be addressed. |
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Post by scrapperal on May 1, 2017 22:07:03 GMT
I'm sorry this happened and keeps happening. I don't have any advice, but I hope the situation improves, somehow. Hugs to you (and your son)!
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on May 1, 2017 22:09:23 GMT
That really stinks and it is so frustrating! I hate bus issues because the school does little about it and the bus company doesn't do much either but say they will work on it. Kids are mean and I am sorry your son had to put up with that today and other days. My son that is 6th grade would be very shaken too if this happened.
Our buses have video cameras and the assistant principal in charge of bus issues says she can contact the bus company and see the film. I don't know if they do anything like that where you are.
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Post by hop2 on May 1, 2017 22:10:34 GMT
And follow up your meeting with the principal IN WRITING also the using the words bully and bullying.
Perhaps if you theink they aren't going to do anything you might want to throw out the words lawyer or legal action. A sentence like 'I have called about this problem x times and nothing has been done to I need to seek legal action to take care of the issue.
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Deleted
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Jun 3, 2024 2:25:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2017 22:12:38 GMT
Our school would kick the bully off the bus.
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johnnysmom
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Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 1, 2017 22:17:20 GMT
Honestly I'm torn and I'd go with whatever ds decides.
Option 1: he needs to stand up to the bully. No, he shouldn't have to but if he doesn't it will likely continue.
Option 2: you need to go into the school, mama bear style. Use words like bully and harassment. Tell them this has gone on far too long, you've brought it to their attention and it has yet to be resolved. Before you go read up on their no tolerance policy regarding bullying, refer to it and be prepared to take the next step (it should be outlined in the policy).
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Dalai Mama
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on May 1, 2017 22:29:58 GMT
We had an issue when older DS when he was younger. Like you, we gave the school every opportunity to deal with it. We had one final meeting at which we told the principal that, unless he was willing to take care of the issue, we were giving DS parental permission to protect himself and we trusted that DS would neither be expelled nor suspended given that his bully wasn't.
When the same thing happened to younger DS at daycare, we told him, in front of his bully that, the next time he was picked on, he should feel free to beat the shit of of him.
Never had any issues with either again.
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Post by elaine on May 1, 2017 22:30:32 GMT
The counselor at school was of little help: he pretty much reaffirmed my concerns, and said they could report it, but that in reality this kid K would not get much in the way of discipline, and that he personally never puts his own kids on the bus for these same reasons. I'd be scheduling a meeting with the principal. When a staff member acknowledges that there is a behavior problem that is not being appropriately addressed and admits he wouldn't allow his own child on the bus, the principal needs to know that. And I'd want to know what she/he intends to do about it. Perhaps the principal needs to do a few days of "riding the route" to let kids know that bullshit like that will be addressed. Amen. The Principal in any of my kids' schools would actually be riding the bus in this situation, and yours needs to too. |
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Post by wrongwayfeldman on May 1, 2017 22:30:36 GMT
Just called the bus company to ask them to pull and review the tape. They'll not likely be able to hear the voices, but the actions displayed should back up my DS's version of what happened. I asked the manager at the bus company what she recommended, and she said if it was her child, she would put DS at the front of the bus so that he has extra protection and is separated from that kid. I asked her what it would take to get K kicked off the bus, since similar things have happened this year with him, and her response was, "Honestly, unless a kid is causht being physically agressive multiple times, it's nearly impossible to get them removed from the bus." I asked her to review that tape and she is going to do that and call me back tomorrow, and said that if they see anything at all that indicates aggression or bullying behavior, they will contact the school if that's what I want. I definitely will be calling the principal tomorrow.
Then I called one of my teacher friends from our district and she completely backed up what the bus company told me: according to her, our district will not remove a student from the bus unless it's extreme circumstances. She said that since we get funding dependent upon our enrollment, they can't risk attendance being lower due to parents not being able to get their kids back and forth to school without the bus. WTF???
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Post by destined2bmom on May 1, 2017 22:36:42 GMT
I would email the principal, vice principal and your son's guidance counselor. Write down as many situations this kid has picked on your child with dates. Tell them the number of times kid has been moved to front or back of bus. Tell them of this latest episode. Then write the following sentence "I want this to stop now." Tell them you want to meet with them. Then I would ask them to meet with your child and the other child to hear both sides. That is being fair to both kids. Then have them decide how to deal with the kid. It sounds like his parents should have to drive him to school everyday.
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suzastampin
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by suzastampin on May 1, 2017 22:37:01 GMT
You've seen what happens when you've tried to intervene so far. Nothing, really. So, the onus is now on your son, especially since they'll be on the bus together next year. If I were your son, I would not have anything out that this brat can grab. If he wears a ball cap, put it in his backpack. No earbuds, nothing. He needs to learn to have a stiff upper lip, as they say, so that this brat does not know that he is getting to your son. School's almost out for this year. Maybe the brat will grow up by fall.
Kids get picked in all the time. Those being picked on need to show that it doesn't bother them, as it won't be any fun for the brat if he doesn't get a reaction out of your son.
I'm sorry this is happening to your son.
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 1, 2017 22:51:57 GMT
It doesn't work. My son was having some issues at right about the same age. He is young for his grade, and didn't always navigate the social dynamics well. There were a few incidents, and he thought he was doing the right thing by taking the issue to the head of school. It was utterly unhelpful. In talking through the experiences, I noticed that he was very non-confrontational - like your son. We did some roll playing where I basically told him to get in his face and tell them to knock it off. I told him one of two things would happen - he'd back off or he'd shove him. If they put a finger on him, he had my permission to punch him as hard as he could and to keep punching him as long as he was moving - I know mother of the year here. What was interesting is that it completely changed my son's demeanor with these kids. He'd basically been told for 12 years to use his words and otherwise not be physical (it certainly didn't help that he has a very petite sister). When he knew he had my 100% support - he didn't need it. These kids are looking for the kid who won't stand up for themselves. Will it work 100% of the time - hell no - but I'd make sure my kid knows that if he needs to defend himself he will absolutely have my support.
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PaperAngel
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Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on May 1, 2017 23:22:15 GMT
My suggestion is for your middle schooler to follow protocol & report the bully to the appropriate adult at school. He was present when the incidents happened & will be more likely to get someone to address the situation than a parent.
The bully knows the worst punishment he'll receive is a temporarily reassigned seat on the bus. He'll use the opportunity to blame his victim, which allows him to continue being a bully & strengthens his reputation. It's not a deterrent for his behavior.
If it doesn't improve after your son has communicated to the boy & appropriate adults, your son will need to stand up to the boy. Perhaps your son should announce that his bully act has gotten old & ask why he doesn't want friends the next time he tries to pick on him. Given bullies seek power/control, embarrassing them usually deters future harassment & prompts other targets to "grow a spine" & join the anti-bully chorus. Best wishes...
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Deleted
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Jun 3, 2024 2:25:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2017 23:26:26 GMT
^^^That^^^ I would tell you the story of what my husband had to do as the new kid during his eighth grade year in middle school, but it would probably blow the board up. Let's just say it only took Hubby two days and he never had a bullying problem at that particular school ever again.
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 2, 2017 0:08:56 GMT
My only suggestion would be to make sure everything is in writing. I always found that people were a lot quicker to acknowledge something in writing than a chat with them. See what the bus company says and then write the principal an email documenting that this isn't the case, that you've spoken about it prior (if you have the date all that much better.) If they see you making a case, maybe they will take you seriously.
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Post by wrongwayfeldman on May 2, 2017 0:13:15 GMT
DS is adamant that he doesn't want to change to the front seat because he is sure the kid will know that he "tattled." He says he'd rather sit in his regular spot and hope it doesn't happen again. It sounds like he's back peddling by claiming that this kid doesn't pick on him all that much and it would be worse to move, which I think he's doing because he's feeling intimidated, and that really worries me, but I feel conflicted trying to force the issue. He IS a soft spoken kid and has never been in a fight before, so maybe the role playing scenario above would be a good idea. We have always TOLD him we'd have his back should he need to defend himself, but acting out the scenario might be helpful too. I certainly don't want to raise a barbarian but I'm at a loss as to what else to try.
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Post by cindytred on May 2, 2017 1:26:45 GMT
My son was being bullied when he was in the 3rd grade. At the time I had just started substitute teaching at the same school my kids went to. One day when the whole 3rd grade was practicing for a chorus performance (and I was subbing) I saw the bully push DS off the top riser. I marched over to the kids and took him outside to talk to him in private. I told him the only reason Zack hadn't hit him yet is because I wouldn't let him. But from that moment on Zack had permission to "take him out" if he ever touched him again. End of problem. Of course, I cringe at all the trouble I could have gotten into for doing that - I'm glad I did.
ETA: When I get riled up I say and do things without thinking. I'm a certified teacher now and a couple of years ago one of my students had been repeatedly picked on on the bus. My student went through the proper channels to no avail. Finally, one day I had had enough. I got on that bus at the end of the day and called the bully to the front and infront of the bus driver I told the kid that if he ever messed with my student again he would have to deal with me and he would be very sorry. The kid stuck his tail between his legs and went back to his seat. I apologized to the bus driver for losing my cool. He said he agreed with me and the kid needed to hear it. Later I cringed when I thought about how it was all on video tape... oh Lord. I told my AP what I did and she rolled her eyes and laughed at me. My student wasn't bullied anymore.
I'll end up on CNN someday.
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Post by Lexica on May 2, 2017 1:31:09 GMT
My sister's boy had some health problems as a baby and because of that, he was much smaller than the other boys. He was being picked on and my sister tried supporting him, contacting the school, etc. She finally enrolled him in a martial arts school to teach him that your size isn't necessarily an issue if you know what you are doing to protect yourself and disarm an attacker. He blossomed after that. He became more self assured as he continued on in the classes. I know it isn't an immediate fix, but do you think something like that might be of interest to your son? It won't teach him to go beat up on someone, it will teach him how to effectively protect himself without having to start punching and hitting. It also gives them great self esteem.
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Post by freecharlie on May 2, 2017 2:25:23 GMT
I'd ask that he be moved to the front of the bus. Who cares if the butthead thinks he tattled. If their only interaction is on the bus, then being at the front keeps him away from him.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on May 2, 2017 2:30:21 GMT
Report it every. Single. Time.
Go to the school board if nothing is done.
Suggest cameras on the busses.
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Deleted
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Jun 3, 2024 2:25:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2017 2:54:19 GMT
I'm sorry you and your son have been going through this. I don't have any good advice. I hope it improves very quickly.
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Peamac
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Refupea # 418
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Post by Peamac on May 2, 2017 3:41:44 GMT
The bus driver wants to put your son near the front with the other troublemakers?  That's crazy! |
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Post by nlwilkins on May 2, 2017 3:43:49 GMT
Role play with your son how to respond to bully. Figure out ways your son could kind of turn the tables on the bully. Like, "What's the matter, your mother won't let you have toys of your own so you have to steal other people's toys?" Teach him how to laugh at the bully when he starts his routine and things he can say to bring others into the situation against the bully. "Look at him, he has to be a jerk just to get attention." or ""Wow, you must really be desperate for attention to carry on this way." He can call the bully a prima donna and other terms that really are only terrible to a 12 year old boy. But, he must be willing to stand his ground. Bullies only pick on those that let them do it. Role play is the way to go though, so he will have the words handy and know what can happen. Remember, this is just a boy, not a monster and he has feelings too. Work on those feelings.
Another way to handle this is to have your son seek out the bully and work on becoming his friend. Hard to do, but doable if no others are around at first. He could find out the bully just needs a good friend or that the bully acts this way because he doesn't know how else to interact.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 2, 2017 4:11:06 GMT
I'd be scheduling a meeting with the principal. When a staff member acknowledges that there is a behavior problem that is not being appropriately addressed and admits he wouldn't allow his own child on the bus, the principal needs to know that. And I'd want to know what she/he intends to do about it. Perhaps the principal needs to do a few days of "riding the route" to let kids know that bullshit like that will be addressed. Amen. The Principal in any of my kids' schools would actually be riding the bus in this situation, and yours needs to too. This is what would happen at my kid's school too. Our principal has done it before and absolutely would ride the bus and sit right in the same seat with the troublemaker for as long as it took for the kid to straighten out. They don't mess around when it comes to bullying. |
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Post by Really Red on May 2, 2017 4:31:20 GMT
OMG. I am sick for you. Sick. I remember when my son was in 4th grade and a 3rd grade girl behind him kept calling him a loser. She was tiny and my son is extremely tall. I asked him what he did and he said he just kept his head down, but it took a toll on him. That girl eventually complained when two other boys retaliated for stuff she said to them. I went to the principal and told him what I knew, but the boys retaliated and they were suspended.
It SUCKS that your child can't be safe on the bus. I'd go to the principal and tell him/her in person. With your husband. Then I'd send an email to the Superintendent and tell him exactly what you told us plus what the current resolution is. By middle school I started driving all my kids because of these things. Fortunately, they all took part in after school activities, so it was also easy to pick them up. Can your son join a team?
Hitting back will solve nothing. I know plenty of things to say to bring this boy to tears, but I think we know he has issues. His life must suck pretty bad to take out his anger on other kids. I know this is odd, but can you buy a fidget spinner for this boy? Have your son give it to him and say "I know you like these and I got you one." It's really hard to be mean to someone who gets you a present. Not impossible, but harder. Every now and then maybe your son could have a treat in his bag, like a candy bar or something and share it with this dude. Worst case, it doesn't help, but maybe no one is nice to this kid. It's easy for me to say so removed from the situation. In your case, I'd be livid, but if you can't pick your child up, you have to come up with a solution that the school system isn't providing.
I am really sorry.
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Deleted
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Jun 3, 2024 2:25:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2017 6:18:58 GMT
I have literally no parental experience with this, but my first inclination is to make yourself impossible to ignore. Call/write/show up/text EVERY.SINGLE.DAY with "What are you doing to make riding the bus a safe and bullying-free experience for my son?" Ask it publicly, in front of other parents, other teachers, etc. Squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Hugs. I can't imagine how powerless you feel.
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Dalai Mama
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on May 2, 2017 10:11:59 GMT
OMG. I am sick for you. Sick. I remember when my son was in 4th grade and a 3rd grade girl behind him kept calling him a loser. She was tiny and my son is extremely tall. I asked him what he did and he said he just kept his head down, but it took a toll on him. That girl eventually complained when two other boys retaliated for stuff she said to them. I went to the principal and told him what I knew, but the boys retaliated and they were suspended. It SUCKS that your child can't be safe on the bus. I'd go to the principal and tell him/her in person. With your husband. Then I'd send an email to the Superintendent and tell him exactly what you told us plus what the current resolution is. By middle school I started driving all my kids because of these things. Fortunately, they all took part in after school activities, so it was also easy to pick them up. Can your son join a team? Hitting back will solve nothing. I know plenty of things to say to bring this boy to tears, but I think we know he has issues. His life must suck pretty bad to take out his anger on other kids. I know this is odd, but can you buy a fidget spinner for this boy? Have your son give it to him and say "I know you like these and I got you one." It's really hard to be mean to someone who gets you a present. Not impossible, but harder. Every now and then maybe your son could have a treat in his bag, like a candy bar or something and share it with this dude. Worst case, it doesn't help, but maybe no one is nice to this kid. It's easy for me to say so removed from the situation. In your case, I'd be livid, but if you can't pick your child up, you have to come up with a solution that the school system isn't providing. I am really sorry. My empathy for a child ends where my child begins. Yes, it sucks that this kid is going through whatever it is that is making him a little asshole but, giving him the equivalent of 'protection money' so that he'll leave her son alone, is not something I would ever endorse. Worse case is it reinforces the bullying behaviour. |
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That's crazy!
