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Post by petenthusiast on Aug 24, 2014 17:57:57 GMT
deleted -- thread from 2014 & don't want to relive it. For anyone that remembers, Laying down the smack & being firm really worked & we actually seemed to become good friends. HOWEVER, the neighbor/homeowner went pyscho on them & they ended up moving just a few months later. Stayed in touch & actually thought they were great friends...until last month when they came over & tried to scam us into signing sponsorship papers for her parents "just a formality." Um, yeah we would be obligated to support them for 10 years, so very much NOT a "formailty.". So...we were groomed & payed bigtime, fortunately we're not as stupid as they'd hoped. THANK GOODNESS they do not live next door anymore!
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Post by christine58 on Aug 24, 2014 18:00:58 GMT
No is a complete sentence. Stop going over to give her driving lessons, find a way to refuse her food...she is manipulating you. Let her hire someone to take her driving. Don't lend her ONE MORE THING. This problem is as much yours as hers...you've added to it.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,092
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 24, 2014 18:04:49 GMT
No is a complete sentence. And doors can stay locked.
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Post by petenthusiast on Aug 24, 2014 18:07:20 GMT
No is a complete sentence. Stop going over to give her driving lessons, find a way to refuse her food...she is manipulating you. Let her hire someone to take her driving. Don't lend her ONE MORE THING.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 24, 2014 18:11:39 GMT
You need to have a heart to heart with her...or just end the friendship. Too bad if you're offending her.
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Post by keknj on Aug 24, 2014 18:27:22 GMT
I had a similar experience. The lady lived in nearby apartments and doesn't drive. I felt sorry for her and offered to take her to Costco with me. OMGoodness. We had only spoken a few times in the school yard waiting for our kids to come out, so I didn't know her very well. In the car on the way to the store she started telling me I had to help get her daughter signed up for soccer so they could go with my kids and me to games/practice. Then she started saying I had to take her here, there and everywhere. I felt very overwhelmed, like she was trying to make me her everything. I just dropped her off after our shopping trip and was very unavailable after that. I know I probably offended her and I really am sorry about that, but I have my own family to take care of and I'm not a bus service. I couldn't take her with me everywhere I went, which is what she seemed to want. I did tell her that she needed to get her driver's license, but she wasn't interested. We were just nodding acquaintances after that.
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Post by petenthusiast on Aug 24, 2014 18:28:28 GMT
You need to have a heart to heart with her...or just end the friendship. Too bad if you're offending her. I know...I think it helps to type it all out and see ALL of it staring back at you from the page, to be like WTF? Who AM I? lol. Fortunately the next 2 days she is actually busy for once & I get a bit of a break before letting it all come out of my mouth in a less than ideal way.
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Post by petenthusiast on Aug 24, 2014 18:31:15 GMT
I had a similar experience. The lady lived in nearby apartments and doesn't drive. I felt sorry for her and offered to take her to Costco with me. OMGoodness. We had only spoken a few times in the school yard waiting for our kids to come out, so I didn't know her very well. In the car on the way to the store she started telling me I had to help get her daughter signed up for soccer so they could go with my kids and me to games/practice. Then she started saying I had to take her here, there and everywhere. I felt very overwhelmed, like she was trying to make me her everything. I just dropped her off after our shopping trip and was very unavailable after that. I know I probably offended her and I really am sorry about that, but I have my own family to take care of and I'm not a bus service. I couldn't take her with me everywhere I went, which is what she seemed to want. I did tell her that she needed to get her driver's license, but she wasn't interested. We were just nodding acquaintances after that. SCARY! Costco is one of those places she wants me to take her "whenever I go." lol! I'd think it was the same person except her kids are too young for soccer
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 10, 2024 16:28:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2014 18:37:10 GMT
I think you are reading A LOT into her actions and making vast assumptions on her motivations.
I am well familiar with having a needy, taker neighbour. But i also think you are making the situation a lot worse by the way you are viewing it.
Don't worry about the upcoming winter and stuff that hasn't even happened yet -- summer isn't even over! Don't shovel her walk. Don't worry about it right now.
If she gives you food, don't take it out of her hands. If she leaves it, throw it out and tell her it was very thoughtful of her.
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Post by petenthusiast on Aug 24, 2014 18:41:46 GMT
I think you are reading A LOT into her actions and making vast assumptions on her motivations. I am well familiar with having a needy, taker neighbour. But i also think you are making the situation a lot worse by the way you are viewing it. Don't worry about the upcoming winter and stuff that hasn't even happened yet -- summer isn't even over! Don't shovel her walk. Don't worry about it right now. If she gives you food, don't take it out of her hands. If she leaves it, throw it out and tell her it was very thoughtful of her. I'm actually not reading a lot into anything. I've pretty accurately predicted her every move this past month (after figuring out her M.O.) to my husband and she hasn't failed to disappoint. She's already been "setting the scene" for winter just in the same manner she has with past things, that's the reason for my frustration about it...not just imagined, unfortunately
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Post by lovetodigi on Aug 24, 2014 18:56:51 GMT
Maybe you could start backing away by not answering all of her calls or not answering the door everytime she comes over. Like others have said, No is a complete sentence. I can see where the situation would begin to wear on someone pretty quickly. You just have to be strong and do what ever it is that will save your sanity. It would be no fun spending time in the slammer for murder.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 24, 2014 19:00:14 GMT
No is a complete sentence. And doors can stay locked. Block her on the phone too. If she persists, tell her the truth, that you simply don't have the time to be at her beck and call.
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Post by stampnscrap1128 on Aug 24, 2014 19:08:14 GMT
First of all, your husband and you need to get together on the same page on how to handle this pesty neighbor. Agree and encourage each other to say no to her. Don't answer the phone if she calls. Don't answer the door to her. Be strong and don't worry about offending her!
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Aug 24, 2014 19:25:14 GMT
Your post indicates you are very involved in her life as well those around her - your ability to give such detailed information about what goes on in her home, with her husband and others.
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Post by petenthusiast on Aug 24, 2014 19:28:40 GMT
Your post indicates you are very involved in her life as well those around her - your ability to give such detailed information about what goes on in her home, with her husband and others. Predicted her every move. Really? The more you post, the more you come off as a real bitch. HUH? Oh wait, I get it...you're just bringing the old TwoPeas Haterade grudgy-thing without much to go on, just because
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Post by christine58 on Aug 24, 2014 19:47:30 GMT
Your post indicates you are very involved in her life as well those around her - your ability to give such detailed information about what goes on in her home, with her husband and others. Predicted her every move. Really? The more you post, the more you come off as a real bitch. HUH? Oh wait, I get it...you're just bringing the old TwoPeas Haterade grudgy-thing without much to go on, just because Ignore the naysayers here. You and DH need to come up with a plan. If you don't want to hurt her feelings, just slowly back off. Every time she asks to have you take her somewhere...just say no. Let her hire someone to take care of her lawn etc. Don't lend anything else out.
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Post by petenthusiast on Aug 24, 2014 19:55:34 GMT
Ignore the naysayers here. You and DH need to come up with a plan. If you don't want to hurt her feelings, just slowly back off. Every time she asks to have you take her somewhere...just say no. Let her hire someone to take care of her lawn etc. Don't lend anything else out. Sounds like a plan. I've told her before that unless I'm on the 1st floor I can't hear the door, so I do need to not answer. She will NEVER become independent if I/everyone else continues to baby her. She even has me calling places under the guise that "people don't understand" her, but it has gotten to be like a secretarial job. I get her info/numbers from online (like driving schools, auto repair places, etc), PRINT it out thinking that will be the easy way, only to have her pull this randomly appearing "broken English": "You keep, you call for me Monday." No. More. I've never experienced a more exaggerated example of "give an inch, she'll want a mile."
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Post by PenandInk on Aug 24, 2014 20:16:55 GMT
OP, I'm an introvert also, and I understand exactly how you feel. This is just the kind of person that frequently seems to latch onto me, and I too have a hard time setting boundaries. I don't have much advice, except to say that I'm not sure this neighbor could ever be the "cup of tea once a week" kind of friend. She just doesn't roll that way. I'm afraid she would just wonder why you can't make all these calls for her if you plainly have enough time for tea. Your plan sounds workable, you just have to work up how you're going to say no and keep repeating. Good luck, and keep us posted.
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twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,092
Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Aug 24, 2014 20:17:02 GMT
I would start to prepare a list of "helpful" services for the winter months--snow removal, car service for dead batteries, HVAC in case the furnace goes out, etc. If/when she has one of these problems this winter and asks for your help, say "Sure I can help by giving you referrals. Here are the names of some services that would be very useful for you. If you don't like any of the ones on this list, you can google for more options."
I've had one of "those" neighbors before, and it does become a royal pain to deal with them after a while. Good luck!
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Aug 24, 2014 20:25:48 GMT
Oh man, I'd keep my doors locked and screen her calls. No means no.
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marianne
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys. . . My monkeys fly!
Posts: 4,176
Location: right smack dab in the middle of SC
Site Supporter
Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
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Post by marianne on Aug 24, 2014 20:48:18 GMT
No is a complete sentence. And doors can stay locked. Block her on the phone too. If she persists, tell her the truth, that you simply don't have the time to be at her beck and call. Best piece of advice you've gotten. It really does sound like you're part of the problem. You just have to be firm and consistent.
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Post by I-95 on Aug 24, 2014 20:49:33 GMT
Oh, I bet I know where she's from. lol. Your description is almost stereotypical of the pampered side of that society. They are the best manipulators ever! I bet she talks non-stop too, long after your eyes have glazed over.
Get out now, tell her you can't do stuff for her any more and keep it to a friendly wave from your yard. I know that's next to impossible, when she's your 'sister', but you have to. No more driving lessons, she's never going to master the vehicle. Good luck, I mean that...
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emilymom
Shy Member
Posts: 20
Aug 24, 2014 20:32:42 GMT
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Post by emilymom on Aug 24, 2014 20:53:10 GMT
I had someone who lived upstairs from me like this. I finally had to just keep saying no...just no....without a reason...and let the no hang in the air until she looked at me and said ok and walked away. It was hard but NEEDED to be done...
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Post by Really Red on Aug 24, 2014 21:04:51 GMT
Maybe you can think of one day/week you can help her and be busy all the rest of the times? I'd be happy to help Wednesday after work, but I'm sorry, all my time is accounted for until then. It's hard to be a prisoner in your own home, but you have to start taking some of your life back. If she thinks you are relaxing, you tell her that this is your time to de-stress. If she wishes she could do the same thing, you tell her that is why you chose the life you have. We all make choices and we have to live with them. Good luck!
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Post by penny on Aug 24, 2014 21:06:36 GMT
Decide your boundaries, put them in place now, and stick to them... The longer you allow her to behave towards you in a way you don't like, the harder it will be for you to break the cycle and it gives her a justified reason to say, "but you used to"... Decide that you can change your mind... Decide to say no... And then do it... It has to be that strict/definite...
As for her definition of "friend", I just wanted to mention that for some of my South Asian friends, "friend" is a term used for someone you know/are familiar with... It's used to indicate a level of comfort or a less formal relationship... It's not necessarily the definition we're used to - if it makes it any easier, just because she's calling you "friend" and talking to you a lot doesn't mean she likes you or sees you as a bosom buddy... She's not being manipulative by calling you "friend" either, it's just a friendly/relaxed term that's used... Much like calling an older female that's known to you, "auntie"... Not trying to say she isn't playing games also, but you may not be as 'important' to her as being called "friend" makes you think...
As for the food, "say no thank you"... Refuse to take the dish (force your hands into your pockets), or carry the full dish back to her and leave it where she left it (porch for porch...lol) - very few people will continue to cook for someone who *constantly* refuses it... And if it offends her? Consider what you mean by "offend"... I would describe you as being offended that she's not respecting your time or property... People get offended all then time... There's a different between feeling slighted or told no, and doing something that causes deep emotional pain... Turning down food or insisting that she respect your boundaries does not fall into the 'inflicting deep pain' category...
I think you'll have to talk yourself down a bit - it feels like a huge deal, but in the big scheme of things, refusing food or having time to yourself are not unreasonable requests... Her reaction to it might be huge as well, but you need to remember that the size of her reaction doesn't change the size or reasonableness of your boundaries...
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
Posts: 7,812
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Aug 24, 2014 21:11:15 GMT
In my experience, overly-entitled people dislike when the tables are turned & you make demands on their time. Once they experience first-hand what it's like to be on the receiving end, they are inevitably outraged that you would dare take advantage of them. Best wishes!
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Post by petenthusiast on Aug 24, 2014 21:14:15 GMT
Oh, I bet I know where she's from. lol. Your description is almost stereotypical of the pampered side of that society. They are the best manipulators ever! I bet she talks non-stop too, long after your eyes have glazed over. Get out now, tell her you can't do stuff for her any more and keep it to a friendly wave from your yard. I know that's next to impossible, when she's your 'sister', but you have to. No more driving lessons, she's never going to master the vehicle. Good luck, I mean that... She is NOT going to master the vehicle --ever! I had hope at first but for whatever reason it is just digressing more & more. I am simply there as legally required seat filler, she does not listen, and even when I had her get out and WATCH what I do from the passenger side, she took out a notepad and pen and looked down the ENTIRE time, just writing down left, left, right, right (she had previously followed the road test examiner's route & was trying to rememver it, despite what I was showing her & the fact that we already retraced the route what seemed like eleven billion times. She is not at all interested in real life driving, just passing the road test in the tiny small town 45 mins away I've been driving her to so she can pass, since she never would in bigger area. I would think her husband would WANT to play a more active role since she will be driving their children around
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Post by petenthusiast on Aug 24, 2014 21:18:54 GMT
As for her definition of "friend", I just wanted to mention that for some of my South Asian friends, "friend" is a term used for someone you know/are familiar with... It's used to indicate a level of comfort or a less formal relationship... It's not necessarily the definition we're used to - if it makes it any easier, just because she's calling you "friend" and talking to you a lot doesn't mean she likes you or sees you as a bosom buddy... She's not being manipulative by calling you "friend" either, it's just a friendly/relaxed term that's used... Much like calling an older female that's known to you, "auntie"... Not trying to say she isn't playing games also, but you may not be as 'important' to her as being called "friend" makes you think... Her sometimes housekeeper who "does everything for" her (free aside from the housekeeping) is who she calls friend. I am her "sister" and "family." (As long as I comply of course, lol)
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 10, 2024 16:28:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2014 21:18:55 GMT
I think you are reading A LOT into her actions and making vast assumptions on her motivations. I am well familiar with having a needy, taker neighbour. But i also think you are making the situation a lot worse by the way you are viewing it. Don't worry about the upcoming winter and stuff that hasn't even happened yet -- summer isn't even over! Don't shovel her walk. Don't worry about it right now. If she gives you food, don't take it out of her hands. If she leaves it, throw it out and tell her it was very thoughtful of her. I'm actually not reading a lot into anything. I've pretty accurately predicted her every move this past month (after figuring out her M.O.) to my husband and she hasn't failed to disappoint. She's already been "setting the scene" for winter just in the same manner she has with past things, that's the reason for my frustration about it...not just imagined, unfortunately I believe sometimes we create our own reality. If you are expecting her to do something subconsciously you are sending out that vibe. You have the choice every time you open the door. You have a choice every time you allow her to borrow things. It is important to have good boundaries. I am a serious people pleaser but I am learning to say no. Limit your contact with her. Take your power back. Maybe make a standing tea date once a week.
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Post by petenthusiast on Aug 24, 2014 21:22:03 GMT
I had someone who lived upstairs from me like this. I finally had to just keep saying no...just no....without a reason...and let the no hang in the air until she looked at me and said ok and walked away. It was hard but NEEDED to be done... That really is the hardest thing ever for me...to just say "no." -- Not having to say "no" but the act of saying it as just ONE word with no "Sorry..." or "I've gotta do this/that"...etc. That one will take practice, especially still having to live right next door.
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