An INTROVERT's Hell :Excessively Needy neighbor

This is KEY!  You must learn how to do this.  And it is incredibly hard.  I'm working to not be a space filler when things become uncomfortable in conversations.  To try to not make everyone else at ease, etc.  Just say no.  (NO excuses or reasons or rambling or shifting around or feeling badly.)   If you can master this one thing, it will take care of a lot of the boundary issues you two have.  

Brilliant advice Volt!! Respect is absolutely the key word there, because it's huge in their culture.

Petenthusiast ... do exactly as Volt advised and you'll have a healthy relationship with her, otherwise she'll just see you as mean and probably a racist. You will respect her, but she must respect you in return....and that conversation is not as hard as just saying no.

You have to treat her like the child that she is. Be firm and consistent. Don't say no and then give in and help her. That only confuses her and encourages the behavior you are trying to stop. Use your caller ID and don't pick up the phone, when she knocks on the door don't answer it, and if she catches you outside make up an excuse and run back inside. Problem solved!

Voltagain NAILED IT! The thing is, I doubt that you can get her to back off AND still be friends. I've tried to do that several times but if you aren't at their beck and call, you are the ENEMY! The thing is, they are so subtle sometimes that you are locked in and wonder how that happened! It is a shame, you can enjoy someone's company but NOT EVERY SINGLE DAY! And they are all about you have to talk or visit EVERY day or you aren't their friend. In that case, I'm no longer their BFF and if you aren't BFF, then you are the enemy... got snubbed by one this week!

I had one of these neighbors. She complained that she had been knocking on my door and I didn't answer. She said that she knew I was "in there" and that I should have answered the door (she'd been banging on the door for what seemed like forever). I told her that I was indeed home and didn't want company. My house, my rules and if she ever stood there banging on the door again that it would be the permanent end of the friendship. I do not have to answer my door because she is knocking.

You must be VERY direct with those types of people. They don't worry about putting you out so don't you worry about offending them. What's the worst that can happen? They don't like you any more? 

The more I read this the more I think of the term emotional vampires. They are the people who suck everything out of you. I dated one. It wasn't fun at all. I can be both extroverted and introverted. I am incredibly independent too. I see where you are coming from. I agree with the firm boundaries. If it takes you awhile at first and she catches you off guard don't be afraid to say you need some time to think about it and will get back to her shortly.

I agree that I can't see this being a relationship where you can just have causal tea once a week. It sounds like she sucked all of the energy out of her husband, then her housekeeper and now she is coming for you. When she drives, she is driving her car right? I would hate for her to be in an accident driving your car.

Oh dear Lord, just no! I'd just stop it all. Seriously.

I agree that she isn't going to keep being your "friend" if you won;t cater to her, so be ready to just cut her off cold turkey.

Practice saying "I'm sorry, but I cannot do that anymore."

If she asks why, you say "It's just not something I can do anymore."

And if she keeps going with it, say "Sorry. I have to go now." And leave.

"I'm not comfortable with that" is something I have said in the past. Worked a treat!

What amazes me is the strategies and energy of this type of person. They remind me of Midge, my Dachshund, who won't stop begging if there's a plate to lick.

RELENTLESSNESS is the word I was thinking of. There's the gall to intrude and assume and demand, and there's the continuous push for compliance.

It's pretty impressive to encounter such a force of continuous manipulation. If only she would use her powers for good!

I don't have any direct advice, but maybe I can give you some insight into the culture. I lived in South Korea for 2 years, so that's where my experience comes from. I'm not sure which country you are referring to and Asia is a big place, so my advice may not apply. And realize that all Asians are individuals and their exposure to other ideas when growing up differs from person to person. So I'm uncomfortable saying that "all Asians" act a certain way.

I found that the Koreans never wanted to say no. Ever. I can remember looking for white heels to wear to a wedding. They didn't have anything in my size, but brought out athletic shoes in my size instead. This was at the BX on base. Same thing when booking air flights. If I wanted to fly out at noon on Thursday, they would offer me 4 pm on Wednesday. They didn't say "that flight isn't available." Instead, they would offer another choice. So when you say no, it's an unknown concept, even if she has lived in the US for a few years. It just isn't done. She's looking for when you can accommodate her. This can come off as sneaky or manipulative to us Americans, and maybe it is. But it really is just how things are done for some cultures.

Status is everything to the Koreans. For the men, they would want to know what your job is and hopefully how much you were making. DH had a high falutin title when we were there because he was important to the job and he needed to convey that quickly when speaking to any of the ROK (Republic of Korea) people. If you embarrass them or humiliate them, it's considered very bad form. In his dealings with the ROK, DH always had to phrase things so that it still made the ROK guy look good. But they are very self deprecating, which may explain why she says what she says about her DH.

I found my ROK friends to be late risers and night owls. Same thing with the kids. They would roll in an hour late to preschool and kindergarten (DS was in an American school) and just smile. If an invitation said it started at 1 pm, it was rude to be there 5 minutes early so that you were in place when a wedding/meeting/event began. If you were late, even better. I was constantly scrutinizing invitations to find out the source of the invite so that I knew the protocol.

Food was definitely a big thing to them. My adjama (woman in Korean, but they were our help) would always make dinner for us on her days. And I always made sure to have leftovers from dinner for her lunch. To gift food or share food was an honor. If I didn't care for something, I would just take it with a thank you and often send it in with DH to the office. Alcohol was especially funny, as it's a common gift and DH couldn't accept a gift worth over $20. We had some of the worst tasting alcohol in our cupboard. The moms would sit out in the court yard with the kids playing on Friday afternoons in the summer and have "cocktail time". We would bring out our bottles and try to up each other for the worst tasting brew. And then order pizza from the Club because none of us would be in any shape to cook dinner!

It was really a big adjustment to live in the culture, and we lived on base, with American shopping and schools. So I do feel for your friend, trying to adjust to life here. It doesn't mean that you have to go along with whatever hair brained scheme she has come up with, but maybe it will give you a few ideas for how to cope with the whole mess.