Olan
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Post by Olan on Jun 21, 2017 18:23:24 GMT
Background:
My 18yr old niece is a really smart girl. My sister is an overbearing parent. Fortunately or unfortunately my niece doesn't rock the boat and looks to her mother for approval with more "contentment" than most teenagers. She doesn't mind being styled, stifled and generally attached to her mom. In the company of her friends (I ear hustle) she speaks positively of her mother even when the conversation is how horrible mothers so my guess is rebellion isnt going to look like typical coming of age stuff. I had hoped her college experience would help with this and she could find a friend like her Auntie LaLa. Someone who she can explore poor choices and have the added safety of book smart and street smart working together but I've met her roommate and that's not the case.
My aunt died last month and my sister is devastated. Niece is only daughter I will have to advocate pretty hard
Question:
I am taking my niece on vacation to celebrate her high school graduation. I think she needs to learn to drink responsibly. I would like to propose my niece be given permission by her mother to drink during this trip in anticipation for unsupervised drinking at school. The resort has a much older crowd and I would of course watch her like a hawk. Have you thought about how to prepare your child for college life? Would you allow this?
Background: We've all heard when you are in danger of being raped you yell fire instead of rape.
Question:
On a scale of genius to are you fucking kidding me how advisable would it be to send my niece off to college with a small blow torch found in gas stations?
Can you do polls like on the old board?
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quiltz
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Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jun 21, 2017 18:41:28 GMT
I thought that the age for drinking was 21 in America.  Sending a blow torch to school in a dormitory could be a violation of the fire code for the building. |
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Post by Sam on Jun 21, 2017 18:42:34 GMT
Background: My 18yr old niece is a really smart girl. My sister is an overbearing parent. Fortunately or unfortunately my niece doesn't rock the boat and looks to her mother for approval with more "contentment" than most teenagers. She doesn't mind being styled, stifled and generally attached to her mom. In the company of her friends (I ear hustle) she speaks positively of her mother even when the conversation is how horrible mothers so my guess is rebellion isnt going to look like typical coming of age stuff. I had hoped her college experience would help with this and she could find a friend like her Auntie LaLa. Someone who she can explore poor choices and have the added safety of book smart and street smart working together but I've met her roommate and that's not the case. My aunt died last month and my sister is devastated. Niece is only daughter I will have to advocate pretty hard Question: I am taking my niece on vacation to celebrate her high school graduation. I think she needs to learn to drink responsibly. I would like to propose my niece be given permission by her mother to drink during this trip in anticipation for unsupervised drinking at school. The resort has a much older crowd and I would of course watch her like a hawk. Have you thought about how to prepare your child for college life? Would you allow this? Background: We've all heard when you are in danger of being raped you yell fire instead of rape. Question: On a scale of genius to are you fucking kidding me how advisable would it be to send my niece off to college with a small blow torch found in gas stations? Can you do polls like on the old board? Has your niece had alcohol before? If not, no-one knows whether she will take to it like a duck at the pond or hate the stuff, so I would say that, at her age, it's probably a good idea to at least have her try a glass of wine or beer with a meal. More importantly, has anyone had the chat about 'responsible' drinking (which, to be honest, for me meant 'try not to get so freakin' drunk you do something dumber than dumb' - my parents had a fairly liberal attitude to introducing us to drinking, so it's not something I frown on so much as being a total asshole when you do. So, for me (and I know some may disagree) I think it's actually responsible of you to suggest this. A small blow torch I am not so certain about  |
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Post by gar on Jun 21, 2017 18:43:31 GMT
Q 1 - great idea. Would never in a million years have sent mine off to uni as drink virgins, although attitudes to alcohol do tend to be a little more relaxed in the UK anyway.
Q 2 - are you serious?
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keithurbanlovinpea
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Jun 21, 2017 18:43:55 GMT
I've certainly thought about how to prepare my child but I wouldn't think it my place to prepare my niece unless I was her legal guardian.
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Post by Sam on Jun 21, 2017 18:45:04 GMT
I thought that the age for drinking was 21 in America. Sending a blow torch to school in a dormitory could be a violation of the fire code for the building. I think we're working on the assumption that things haven't changed much since either you or I were younger!  Drinking age is 18 over here, but most people I knew were doing so underage and I can almost guarantee to you that college dorms are not full of kids saying 'ooooh, can't do that, I'm not 21 yet' But you already knew that, didn't ya!  |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jun 21, 2017 18:50:08 GMT
I don't know that I have seen a small blow torch at a gas station, is it similar to a kitchen blow torch for creme brulee? I don't really see that being an effective solution to campus security. I would encourage her to take a self defense class, and probably more importantly to implement a strict buddy system in college. If you go together to a party you leave together. And tell her to never, ever put her drink down.
My state allows parents to provide alcohol to their children a private, non-retail establishment. I would have no issue with my child trying alcohol at home - neither at this point have any interest. Different states have different laws on what is allowed - I'd be sure and adhere to the applicable laws and not implement this plan without the parents consent - that's just creating crazy family drama that is less than helpful. The biggest thing girls in particular need to understand is that their body metabolizes alcohol differently than even a similarly sized man (and let's face it most 18 year olds aren't similarly sized). The also should understand the difference in alcohol content in wine, beer and hard liquor. I saw too many girls drinking vodka like beer- with serious repercussions.
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quiltz
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Post by quiltz on Jun 21, 2017 18:58:13 GMT
I thought that the age for drinking was 21 in America. Sending a blow torch to school in a dormitory could be a violation of the fire code for the building. I think we're working on the assumption that things haven't changed much since either you or I were younger! Drinking age is 18 over here, but most people I knew were doing so underage and I can almost guarantee to you that college dorms are not full of kids saying 'ooooh, can't do that, I'm not 21 yet' But you already knew that, didn't ya! Drinking age in Canada is 19. As it still as the same as when I was teenager. |
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Post by lemondrop on Jun 21, 2017 19:03:22 GMT
I would not allow my kids to drink in a place where the drinking would be illegal. However, if you are going to Mexico where the drinking age is 18, I would permit my kids to drink. I have had numerous conversations over the years in preparation for college (and adult) life. Since my kids were 13, every summer I have demonstrated a serving size of alcohol - showing them a serving size of hard liquor, wine and beer. I was in no way condoning the use of alcohol by minors, but I told them that if they were in a situation where they were going to drink, I wanted them to know that a serving of vodka was very small and not to fill up a pint glass! My kids are now 19 and 16; my DS (16) told me that he didn't need the demonstration "Mom, I get it!"  And I wouldn't send her off with a blow torch but I would gift her a can of pepper spray and advice on not getting yourself in sticky situations (don't be the only girl left at a party, don't drink from a cup that you didn't see the source, etc.) Yes, I think you can set up a poll (but I haven't done it!) Good luck, Auntie! Most colleges have workshops/classes for orienting freshmen to college life. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2017 19:06:16 GMT
Are you suggesting she uses a blow torch for self defense? Are you fucking kidding me?
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Post by ntsf on Jun 21, 2017 19:06:47 GMT
no. you can ask what she knows about binge drinking or strategize about staying safe.. but "practice drinking" is not the answer.
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on Jun 21, 2017 19:07:01 GMT
By 'resort' where are we talking? Caribbean? Mexico? She doesn't need her mother's (or your) permission to drink there if she's over 18. Otherwise, I wouldn't fu(k with local laws when it comes to someone else's kid.
As for question 2 - yeah no.
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Jun 21, 2017 19:11:01 GMT
Background: My 18yr old niece is a really smart girl. My sister is an overbearing parent. Fortunately or unfortunately my niece doesn't rock the boat and looks to her mother for approval with more "contentment" than most teenagers. She doesn't mind being styled, stifled and generally attached to her mom. In the company of her friends (I ear hustle) she speaks positively of her mother even when the conversation is how horrible mothers so my guess is rebellion isnt going to look like typical coming of age stuff. I had hoped her college experience would help with this and she could find a friend like her Auntie LaLa. Someone who she can explore poor choices and have the added safety of book smart and street smart working together but I've met her roommate and that's not the case. My aunt died last month and my sister is devastated. Niece is only daughter I will have to advocate pretty hard Question: I am taking my niece on vacation to celebrate her high school graduation. I think she needs to learn to drink responsibly. I would like to propose my niece be given permission by her mother to drink during this trip in anticipation for unsupervised drinking at school. The resort has a much older crowd and I would of course watch her like a hawk. Have you thought about how to prepare your child for college life? Would you allow this? Background: We've all heard when you are in danger of being raped you yell fire instead of rape. Question: On a scale of genius to are you fucking kidding me how advisable would it be to send my niece off to college with a small blow torch found in gas stations? Can you do polls like on the old board? Has your niece had alcohol before? If not, no-one knows whether she will take to it like a duck at the pond or hate the stuff, so I would say that, at her age, it's probably a good idea to at least have her try a glass of wine or beer with a meal. More importantly, has anyone had the chat about 'responsible' drinking (which, to be honest, for me meant 'try not to get so freakin' drunk you do something dumber than dumb' - my parents had a fairly liberal attitude to introducing us to drinking, so it's not something I frown on so much as being a total asshole when you do. So, for me (and I know some may disagree) I think it's actually responsible of you to suggest this. A small blow torch I am not so certain about She has never had alcohol to my knowledge. Her parents have had the college expectation conversation already. The expectation is there will be no underage drinking. I don't think that is realistic. Background I didn't add. The resort is in a country where the drinking age is 18. Just last weekend I could have given her wine with my sisters permission but there were other teenagers present. I don't think I need to worry about her tolerance for wine is the hard stuff I am concerned about. I thought about bringing up my concerns then because I know my sister only said yes because she knew I was bluffing. Hadn't considered dorm room fire code. And I won't tell you how proud I was of this idea of mine hahaha! I kinda thought I was on to something. I was in line at the gas station and it immediately stood out to me as a weapon *shrugs* I even asked the guy who purchases them and for what purpose.I have a kitchen torch but this one is much more compact. You press one button and it shots out a huge flame. Unlike pepper spray it can't blow back on you and if it makes your attacker stop drop and roll then you've got plenty of time to get away. The only negative I came up with was the legality of it but that's also why I didn't go with pepper spray as it's not legal where she will attend college. |
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on Jun 21, 2017 19:12:47 GMT
no. you can ask what she knows about binge drinking or strategize about staying safe.. but "practice drinking" is not the answer. We don't call it 'practice drinking' any more than we would call it 'practice eating'. That being said, I think that drinking with responsible adults in a controlled environment is an excellent idea. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2017 19:15:46 GMT
There are plenty of ways to prepare someone for college life without having her actually drink alcohol. We talked to our girls since they were in elementary school about drugs and alcohol. I personally do not drink; hubby has wine with dinner and that's it. Our girls will be 23 soon, and they survived college without drinking. They are like their mama and don't see the need. I think great communication and someone she can confide in is much more important than what you are proposing IMO.
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Post by gar on Jun 21, 2017 19:16:34 GMT
but "practice drinking" is not the answer. Whatever you want to call it, why isn't having a drink or two in the company of someone safe to find out how it affects you, a good idea? What is the answer in your opinion? |
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Post by gar on Jun 21, 2017 19:18:49 GMT
Our girls will be 23 soon, and they survived college without drinking. They are like their mama and don't see the need. People don't drink because there's a 'need' - often it's peer pressure and because it can be fun. It's great that you did a great job in giving your girls the strength to resist but not everyone is the same and the pressure can be strong! |
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Post by mom on Jun 21, 2017 19:25:30 GMT
Has your niece asked for your help? I guess I don't understand why you feel the need to get so involved.
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happymomma
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Post by happymomma on Jun 21, 2017 19:27:20 GMT
1. If it's legal, sure why not? And it's cool that your the kind of Auntie that keeps lines of communication open and lets her know that she can come to you to talk about anything. Many kids are not lucky enough to have that kind of person in their lives.
2. Blowtorch? Hmm. It would likely be effective, that's for sure, but I think a self-defense class (maybe you could take one together?) might be a better and safer idea.
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 21, 2017 19:28:20 GMT
I think learning to drink responsibly before being dropped in the deep end is a good idea, but I wouldn't go against her parents' wishes, obviously.
I had a little personal alarm in college. Never used it, but you just pulled a little pin out of it and it made a horrifying amount of noise.
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Jun 21, 2017 19:29:03 GMT
Our girls will be 23 soon, and they survived college without drinking. They are like their mama and don't see the need. People don't drink because there's a 'need' - often it's peer pressure and because it can be fun. It's great that you did a great job in giving your girls the strength to resist but not everyone is the same and the pressure can be strong! I was 26 years old when I had my first drink. It was purely a social thing and pressure played a role even then. My tolerance and social enjoyment of alcohol is really low. I can't have even have one full drink without feeling tipsy. Not my parents fault as they had been dead 10+ years by then but if someone had introduced me to alcohol in a responsible way I know my "relationship" with alcohol would be different. |
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jun 21, 2017 19:33:24 GMT
There are plenty of ways to prepare someone for college life without having her actually drink alcohol. We talked to our girls since they were in elementary school about drugs and alcohol. I personally do not drink; hubby has wine with dinner and that's it. Our girls will be 23 soon, and they survived college without drinking. They are like their mama and don't see the need. I think great communication and someone she can confide in is much more important than what you are proposing IMO. I agree and I'm trying to figure out why so many people think everyone has to or wants to drink. There are people that don't care about drinking, don't like the effects of drinking or don't like the taste of alcohol. My family has a lot of alcoholism in it. Both of my mom's parents were alcoholics and they had 5 kids. Three of the kids are in AA and two of the kids rarely drink. My dad is an alcoholic and of his five kids, I'm the only one that doesn't drink much, two are alcoholics and two are social drinkers. I have three kids. My 35 yr old ds drinks but is aware of the alcoholism on both sides of his family. Neither of my dd's care to drink. The oldest is 28 and the youngest is 18. Both of them have made comments about my one sister always trying to push alcohol on them at family gatherings. This sister was trying to figure out what my 18 yr old will be able to drink because she doesn't like soda. It seems hard for some to understand that not everyone cares to drink. Yes, it may be a big deal in college, but there are kids there that are not drinking by choice. Yes I have educated my kids on drinking and smoking and sex and . . . It's my job as their parent to also teach them how to make choices and not follow the crowd. So not only have I had the drinking/smoking/sex talks with them and lead by example, I have also taught them how to think for themselves. |
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sweetandsour
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Post by sweetandsour on Jun 21, 2017 19:38:01 GMT
I think we're working on the assumption that things haven't changed much since either you or I were younger! Drinking age is 18 over here, but most people I knew were doing so underage and I can almost guarantee to you that college dorms are not full of kids saying 'ooooh, can't do that, I'm not 21 yet' But you already knew that, didn't ya! As it still as the same as when I was teenager. Not in all parts of Canada. It's been 18 here in Manitoba since I was a teenager so it must have been lowered more than (cough cough) 25 years ago.  I know it's also 18 in Alberta where my most of my family lives. |
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Jun 21, 2017 19:58:51 GMT
I've certainly thought about how to prepare my child but I wouldn't think it my place to prepare my niece unless I was her legal guardian. I think everyone has a different family dynamic. I will have to advocate for my niece but my sister has come to me for parenting advice in the past. A conversation like this wouldn't be shut down with "it's my child" In fact our close relationship has recently resumed at her request I think in preparation for college drop off. She knows that sending her baby to college will be tough. We have issues because she is overbearing in my life as well. I don't try to relate to my niece as a victim of my sisters overbearing behaviors but I think my unique experience and being honest with my sister will help them remain as close as possible. I am vested in this because I don't want to care for her in her old age *shrugs* |
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Post by Zee on Jun 21, 2017 20:08:49 GMT
I would let her drink where she's legally allowed to, keeping an eye on her. I let my own kids drink before they were 21 but I wouldn't break the law with someone else's kid.
As for the blow torch, I've never seen one at a gas station. Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention. I'm intrigued. I wouldn't use one for personal safety, though, because I'm not sure I would be comfortable with the idea. I would go with the pepper spray no matter the legality. I also have a small stun gun and got my DD one too. Spray them in the eyes and then zap 'em.
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Post by gar on Jun 21, 2017 20:19:39 GMT
hy so many people think everyone has to or wants to drink. There are people that don't care about drinking, don't like the effects of drinking or don't like the taste of alcohol. Of course, that's true but even some of those who profess not to want to drink can get carried away in the excitement and pressure of a new college/uni environment. Perhaps your family background of alcoholism has had a stronger effect than the talks had in families without that issue to deal with. My DDs also were taught to think for themselves, that they have choices - one didn't/still doesn't drink, the other changed her mind and decided that actually she did want to enjoy a few drinks too many on party night sometimes . Before she left home she hated the taste and had said she would never want to drink. She chose to experiment. It happens, despite what we might try and install in them at home sometimes. Different kids will act differently |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2017 21:37:25 GMT
If you were my sister and you did this with my daughter, you would no longer be related to me.
Give her a gift certificate for self defense lessons.
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Post by hop2 on Jun 21, 2017 22:11:46 GMT
Have several chats about responsible drinking. If mom is ok then have those few drinks in vacation. Have a few chats about Rufies etc. make sure she knows what there can be out there. Give her carte Blanche to call you any time if she needs help. ( if your so inclined )
Ps- the blow torch IS definitely a firecode violation. Students can't have them outside of studio or lab. And I'd have to say a big huge no to that one.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 21, 2017 22:20:45 GMT
I think learning to drink responsibly before being dropped in the deep end is a good idea, but I wouldn't go against her parents' wishes, obviously. I had a little personal alarm in college. Never used it, but you just pulled a little pin out of it and it made a horrifying amount of noise. I know my sister and brother in law allowed my niece and nephew to have a few drinks at home after high school grad and before college. They let them experience it in a safe environment. No neither of them had drunk any alcohol in high school. I think it's a good idea to give them some experience before they go to college. As for the blow torch... that is a spectacularly bad idea. I would do some research on pepper spray and similar personal safety devices. |
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Jun 21, 2017 23:29:15 GMT
I think learning to drink responsibly before being dropped in the deep end is a good idea, but I wouldn't go against her parents' wishes, obviously. I had a little personal alarm in college. Never used it, but you just pulled a little pin out of it and it made a horrifying amount of noise. I know my sister and brother in law allowed my niece and nephew to have a few drinks at home after high school grad and before college. They let them experience it in a safe environment. No neither of them had drunk any alcohol in high school. I think it's a good idea to give them some experience before they go to college. As for the blow torch... that is a spectacularly bad idea. I would do some research on pepper spray and similar personal safety devices. Thanks for weighing in. Pepper spray is illegal where she will attend college but I will look into some other options. I can't have it shipped to my home address so I'm assuming its illegal here too. |
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I know it's also 18 in Alberta where my most of my family lives.
