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Post by Delta Dawn on Jun 26, 2017 15:11:35 GMT
Let's say for example you went to bed hurt and angry last night. Your son or daughter said something that really hurt your feelings and you aren't over it yet. You are between angry and sad and flip back and forth every few minutes. This has been going on all week long and everything he says or does hurts. This behaviour is not uncommon for his father's side of the family (i.e. BIL, FIL) being jerks. You can't fight 2000 years of history is a proverb in his father's culture, although you raised your offspring with western values.
Any time you ask your child to do anything it's pure torture and you have done everything you possibly can for this person. Most recently, I asked him if he would drive me somewhere as I wasn't feeling well and all I got was drama and sighing and anger, and then the car was driven as fast and uncomfortably as humanly possible. If I want to be driven like that I can go myself. A couple of weeks ago I asked him to stop at the store on his way home from work and I got a "STOP ASKING ME TO DO STUFF FOR YOU!!!!" and then OMG open the floodgates. As long as I am useful to him, he likes me. The second I ask him to do anything for me, he is beyond irate. I get the "how tired he is" and "how hard he had to work today" and when he is on his way home "all he wants to do is come home".
How do you get yourself out of this? I am in tears again and wish I knew the answer. I think I need him to move out. He keeps saying he wants to and then doesn't do anything about it.
Today is my day to grocery shop for his lunches and then tonight make breakfast for him for the mornings he has to work. I can be passive aggressive and do nothing and he has to invent his own or I can be assertive and tell him why I am not. Either one would be totally culturally appropriate.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927 
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Post by freebird on Jun 26, 2017 15:20:02 GMT
he's an adult. It's time for him to move out. You'll have to figure out how to handle some of this stuff on your own, but you will have peace in your home.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,203
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jun 26, 2017 15:22:02 GMT
This is going to sound harsh but you need to give him a date to move out and stick to it. He's a big boy now and should be making his own lunches, breakfast. If he doesn't appreciate the home you are making for him, then he gets to admire it from afar.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jun 26, 2017 15:24:06 GMT
This is going to sound harsh but you need to give him a date to move out and stick to it. He's a big boy now and should be making his own lunches, breakfast. If he doesn't appreciate the home you are making for him, then he gets to admire it from afar. There is nothing harsh about it. It is the truth. |
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 26, 2017 15:24:30 GMT
Stop doing anything for him. He's a grown up.
If he won't pull his weight around the house, he can move out.
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basketdiva
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,699
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Post by basketdiva on Jun 26, 2017 15:41:15 GMT
This behaviour is not uncommon for his father's side of the family (i.e. BIL, FIL) being jerks. You can't fight 2000 years of history is a proverb in his father's culture, although you raised your offspring with western values.
Stop blaming it all on his father. You have spoiled him- making all his meals, cooking meals that he wants, etc. Suggestions have been made in the past about how you are treated by your son and yet once again you are venting about the same things.
You need to stop babying him. Give him a list of responsibilities to do around the house as well as charge him rent. If he doesn't like the new house rules, give him 30-60 days to find a place of his own.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:43:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2017 15:45:57 GMT
It worries me how badly your son treats you, in another thread you said that he threw cake at you. Those are not the actions of a respectful person. Are you afraid of him? He sounds as though he is often angry.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jun 26, 2017 15:52:44 GMT
It worries me how badly your son treats you, in another thread you said that he threw cake at you. Those are not the actions of a respectful person. Are you afraid of him? He sounds as though he is often angry. No, he is always angry. He also takes it out on me. He isn't violent but I think deep down he doesn't like me at all. He loves me but hates me (despises me inside) and that hurts. I am going to go out for a while. |
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,077
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jun 26, 2017 15:53:51 GMT
I agree. It's so hard to let him/make him go, but you really must, for your own sanity and for his development. He won't grow up until he has to shift for himself. You know it too. Let us know the date you set him for leaving, and what your plans are to make him realise that you mean it. Think it through and tell us how you're going to it. Typing it out will help you see it logically, and posting it here will make it real. Seriously girl, we're behind you all the way. It hurts us watching you suffer. Do it.  |
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Post by friendly on Jun 26, 2017 16:03:40 GMT
Perhaps therapy would help, with the both of you. Having someone in the family who is mentally ill can be difficult, especially if one is young and isn't in touch with his emotions.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Jun 26, 2017 16:04:26 GMT
Yes this young man needs to face the real world. I agree with everyone's advice on getting him out of the house. You will be so much happier.
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Post by bc2ca on Jun 26, 2017 16:11:36 GMT
This behaviour is not uncommon for his father's side of the family (i.e. BIL, FIL) being jerks. You can't fight 2000 years of history is a proverb in his father's culture, although you raised your offspring with western values.
Stop blaming it all on his father. You have spoiled him- making all his meals, cooking meals that he wants, etc. Suggestions have been made in the past about how you are treated by your son and yet once again you are venting about the same things. You need to stop babying him. Give him a list of responsibilities to do around the house as well as charge him rent. If he doesn't like the new house rules, give him 30-60 days to find a place of his own.  IIRC, he was very young when you divorced and his father has not been a big figure in his life. I think you and your son need some distance and time to establish a healthy relationship. SaveSave |
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,955
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Post by purplebee on Jun 26, 2017 16:11:51 GMT
Elannah, I feel your pain. I have a soon to be 22 yo Ds, and sometimes I want to just smack him. He can be so hateful at times, usually when he is mad about something. But on the other hand, he is self-sufficient, working and renting a place and paying his bills. He does apologize for being ugly to me, and I call him out on it whenever it happens. He is thoughtful, and helps us out willingly when we need him and is a hard worker. But it still is upsetting when he is disrespectful.
I think you do need to set some boundaries with your son. Make him grow up, give him a timeline to move out, and stop waiting on him. Let him know that he is now responsible for his own care and feeding, and let him know that a good part of that is because he shows you no respect or appreciation. Stop trying to micromanage his life - hard, I know, I struggle with this a lot. You have to put yourself first in order for him to learn the life skills he needs to make it in this world! Hugs and good luck!
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
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Post by georgiapea on Jun 26, 2017 16:12:46 GMT
Maybe you could stop making meals for him since he doesn't appear to appreciate you efforts in his behalf. I'd find some place to be at meal times and let him fend for himself. If you do his laundry, that too should end. If he's not going to be pleasant don't interact with him.
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uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,597
Location: London
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Post by uksue on Jun 26, 2017 16:17:11 GMT
I had something similar with my oldest boy. He even told me at one point that he hadn't felt anything at all when I was being treated for cancer - like he didn't care . I was so hurt and worried about him but took advice from here to step right back and disengage for a while .
He came sheepishly to tell me his girlfriend was pregnant in April 2016, and although I was concerned as they were only 19/20, I was delighted and offered them as much support as they would take .
14 months on and he's like a different person : sweet, considerate, asks me how I am ,takes the trouble to find me really special gifts on special occasions - it really is a miraculous transformation!
I think sometimes it's better to disengage , let him sort himself out for a while to realise how much you do for him ! Try not to take it too personally because it's more about the child than it is about you.
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Post by salem on Jun 26, 2017 16:21:27 GMT
First off, if he screamed in my face like that, I'd let him know what a spoiled little shit he is and it's time to grow up. Tell him you're his Mother. Not his maid or caterer and if he's going to live at home, he's going to behave like an adult and help out, which includes stopping at the store or giving you a ride when needed. Stop letting him treat you like that! That nastiness that comes with being an entitled brat is not ok. Also, stop doing stuff for him. My 9 year old can make herself breakfast or lunch if she needs to. Give me a break.
Let him know that you're done putting up with his crap, and if he doesn't like it, there's the door. He'll either figure out how to make it or he will realize just how good he has it. This is not about your ex-DH.
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,927
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Jun 26, 2017 16:25:55 GMT
This is going to sound harsh but you need to give him a date to move out and stick to it. He's a big boy now and should be making his own lunches, breakfast. If he doesn't appreciate the home you are making for him, then he gets to admire it from afar. I don't know how old your DS is but he's acting just like my DD did when she was 17. She's been living on her own for about a year now and the difference in her attitude is night and day. I feel like the sweet little girl she was before she entered the hell of teenage-dom is back! It's wonderful!  Today is my day to grocery shop for his lunches and then tonight make breakfast for him for the mornings he has to work. I can be passive aggressive and do nothing and he has to invent his own or I can be assertive and tell him why I am not. Either one would be totally culturally appropriate. If he needs to live with you for even another day, stop doing everything for him. Whatever it is you are doing for him just stop. Cooking, cleaning, rides whatever. He doesn't appreciate it so don't do it and you can tell him exactly that but you really have to show him by disengaging. You'll feel better knowing you aren't being taken advantage of and he'll start to see everything you have been doing for him. He won't see it at all though if you keep on. ((((((Hugs)))))) This part of parenting, I think, is the hardest. |
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
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Post by kibblesandbits on Jun 26, 2017 16:32:46 GMT
Today is my day to grocery shop for his lunches and then tonight make breakfast for him for the mornings he has to work. I can be passive aggressive and do nothing and he has to invent his own or I can be assertive and tell him why I am not. Either one would be totally culturally appropriate. I just wanted you to read this again, and hopefully recognize how completely ridiculous this is. SaveSave |
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Post by Linda on Jun 26, 2017 16:35:41 GMT
((((Hugs))))
It's time for YOU to stop enabling him - don't do everything for him - let him do for himself or do without. If you act like a doormat, he'll treat you like one and step all over you.
Whether or not he needs to move out is hard for me to say - possibly? but he needs to have responsibilities if he's going to stay in your home...would you allow a flatmate to treat you like that? Set some guidelines - does he pay rent or contribute to utilities/groceries? He should be if he's out of school and working. He's not a child anymore so don't do his laundry, make his meals, buy his favourite foods, clean his room etc... BUT the flipside of that is, you have to stop asking him for rides or to pick stuff up at the store. Sure it would be nice if he offered but it's time to stop treating him as a dependent child and time to start treating him as an adult who happens to live in your house. Demand respect AND treat him with respect (not coddling or walking on eggshells). And if he gets verbally or physically abusive - call the police.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:43:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2017 16:36:36 GMT
Kick him out. He has his own money. While you at send your dad with him.
Or you move out. Let the two of them figure it out.
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Post by christine58 on Jun 26, 2017 16:37:40 GMT
This behaviour is not uncommon for his father's side of the family (i.e. BIL, FIL) being jerks. You can't fight 2000 years of history is a proverb in his father's culture, although you raised your offspring with western values.
Stop blaming it all on his father. You have spoiled him- making all his meals, cooking meals that he wants, etc. Suggestions have been made in the past about how you are treated by your son and yet once again you are venting about the same things. You need to stop babying him. Give him a list of responsibilities to do around the house as well as charge him rent. If he doesn't like the new house rules, give him 30-60 days to find a place of his own. Right!! He is an ADULT...you need to stop blaming others for him being an asshole. Kick his ass out |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 26, 2017 16:52:15 GMT
I wonder if he has ever been evaluated for bipolar disorder. The yelling, the throwing things, I can see these may be symptoms. My father and my brother were also bipolar. Both of them were very volatile and often violent. My bipolar doesn't work this way. It is rare that I have an outburst like that. Mine is more the jittery, nervous, crazy kind. My son is bipolar too. Most of the time for him it is depression. But I have a hard time parenting him sometimes because I don't know how much of it is depression and how much of it is just that he's lazy and needs some self discipline. He once threw a cell phone at me. He often says things like he hates me. I often wonder sometimes too, if I overcompensate with him because I do feel sorry for him. I feel guilt for passing down my illness and that's something that I'm working on not feeling anymore. I think as a mother, you want to be the best for your kids and when you have moments when you are not at your own best, those moments can add up and we can begin to tolerate behaviors thinking that because we suffer from a mental illness and are not always at our best for our children then they have a right to treat us with disrespect. At least in my case, I can see this.
But he's 20, right? I think the suggestions that he move out would probably be best for everyone. There comes a point in time when our children either sink or swim. But we can't prevent them from growing up. Maybe it's time he takes more responsibility for himself. But I think from my perspective, that I would probably consider his mental health first.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Jun 26, 2017 17:03:33 GMT
How do you get yourself out of this? I am in tears again and wish I knew the answer. I think I need him to move out. He keeps saying he wants to and then doesn't do anything about it. Today is my day to grocery shop for his lunches and then tonight make breakfast for him for the mornings he has to work. You aren't allowing him to become an adult living on his own. He doesn't respect you and he totally takes advantage of all you do for him. Just stop. Don't shop for him, don't make his food, don't do his laundry or clean up after him. Actually, give him a date to move out and stick with it. He isn't going to grow up until you do that. |
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Post by gar on Jun 26, 2017 17:11:23 GMT
You know exactly what you need to do it's just a question of doing it. Set a date and tell him. I know it's not simple emotionally but really, there's no other answer. It's time it happened, and then some.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jun 26, 2017 17:12:14 GMT
I wonder if he has ever been evaluated for bipolar disorder. The yelling, the throwing things, I can see these may be symptoms. My father and my brother were also bipolar. Both of them were very volatile and often violent. My bipolar doesn't work this way. It is rare that I have an outburst like that. Mine is more the jittery, nervous, crazy kind. My son is bipolar too. Most of the time for him it is depression. But I have a hard time parenting him sometimes because I don't know how much of it is depression and how much of it is just that he's lazy and needs some self discipline. He once threw a cell phone at me. He often says things like he hates me. I often wonder sometimes too, if I overcompensate with him because I do feel sorry for him. I feel guilt for passing down my illness and that's something that I'm working on not feeling anymore. I think as a mother, you want to be the best for your kids and when you have moments when you are not at your own best, those moments can add up and we can begin to tolerate behaviors thinking that because we suffer from a mental illness and are not always at our best for our children then they have a right to treat us with disrespect. At least in my case, I can see this. But he's 20, right? I think the suggestions that he move out would probably be best for everyone. There comes a point in time when our children either sink or swim. But we can't prevent them from growing up. Maybe it's time he takes more responsibility for himself. But I think from my perspective, that I would probably consider his mental health first. You know when someone is "FINE, I AM FINE. There is nothing WRONG WITH ME. I AM FINE. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP ASKING QUESTIONS?" yet they have so much anger inside. I suggested he talk to the doctor. I tried to book an appointment with a counsellor and he wouldn't go. (He was younger then). If I suggest anything he will hiss at me. (He doesn't raise his voice. He hisses which is scarier.) |
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
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Post by LeaP on Jun 26, 2017 17:14:28 GMT
Charge him rent, stop making meals and doing laundry. Do not stock the house with little snacks that please him. Let him learn that the real world does not include all of the creature comforts that you provide. If he complains just shrug. Do.not.engage.
ETA: Just saw your reply, it is time to put him on "ignore". Unless he asks for help, let him figure things out for himself.
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Post by mellowyellow on Jun 26, 2017 17:21:47 GMT
Today is my day to grocery shop for his lunches and then tonight make breakfast for him for the mornings he has to work. I can be passive aggressive and do nothing and he has to invent his own or I can be assertive and tell him why I am not. Either one would be totally culturally appropriate. I just wanted you to read this again, and hopefully recognize how completely ridiculous this is. SaveSaveWait...what?!? Why are you doing this? He's a big boy...let him figure it out himself. I'm all for helping my kids regardless of how old they are but the minute you want to act like a little twit...yeah you're on your own! |
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Post by gar on Jun 26, 2017 17:25:27 GMT
He doesn't raise his voice. He hisses which is scarier. Wait what? He hisses at you!! Yes, well past time he left. With all the treats and things you buy and do for him you're trying to buy his affection, trying constantly to please him. But he probably feels suffocated. As is entirely normal at his age he's ready for his own space, to do things his own way. Telling him he has to make specific plans, by a certain date, will be uncomfortable or unpleasant in the short time but when he feels he can breathe again I'm sure things will get better between you and he'll learn to be respectful again when he realises what living on your own entails. |
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Jun 26, 2017 17:26:19 GMT
You are enabling this behavior. There is no reason that you should be making breakfast and lunch for your adult son. He should be expected to treat the people he lives with respectfully, or be given 30 days to find his own place to live.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jun 26, 2017 18:38:06 GMT
Today is my day to grocery shop for his lunches and then tonight make breakfast for him for the mornings he has to work. I can be passive aggressive and do nothing and he has to invent his own or I can be assertive and tell him why I am not. Either one would be totally culturally appropriate. I just wanted you to read this again, and hopefully recognize how completely ridiculous this is. SaveSaveSend him a text:
I have a lot going on today so you'll need to stop at the store on your way home to get supplies for your lunches and breakfasts. I usually get (insert simple list). Don't forget sandwich bags!
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IIRC, he was very young when you divorced and his father has not been a big figure in his life. 
