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Post by pretzels on Jun 28, 2017 12:23:29 GMT
I have been divorced for about 10 months. He did not want the divorce, but in the end it was uneventful. Our kids are teens, and alternate weeks at our homes. We live less than two miles away. We have both been flexible for family events and such. So I would say it's been a fairly good situation, except for one thing: He won't respond to any communications I send him about the kids, unless I badger him or the kids ask him.
Example: Our DS needed a laptop computer for college. The university had four they recommended. I don't know anything about computers, so I sent their dad an email with a link to the Web site, and told him that I trusted his judgment, and if he would decide which one was best, I'd pay half. He didn't respond for six weeks. Finally, our son asked him about it and I finally got a response.
This time, it's about our son's wisdom teeth. The dentist wants them removed before he goes off to college. The next available date is Aug. 9. The kids are with him that week. We both have pretty demanding jobs, but he is in management. So I told him that I would go ahead and tentatively schedule a vacation day in the event he couldn't take off. It's been. 3.5 weeks and he hasn't responded at all.
I shouldn't be surprised, I guess. One of the reasons I divorced him was his refusal to communicate, but this is about our kid! I don't contact him often, just when it is about a kid thing. I don't want to put this on either kid. What can I do?
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Post by AN on Jun 28, 2017 12:34:16 GMT
I've read about the site/service OurFamilyWizard.com -- it is a portal where you can communicate, log all expenses and split them, and other useful co-parenting features. Check out their website.
It may be overkill for your situation and I believe it is $100 each per year, but the site gets great reviews from those who have used it. My understanding is it is well regarded by courts and can be a great record to prove non-compliance with court orders.
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Post by teddyw on Jun 28, 2017 12:52:44 GMT
In the wisdom teeth instance I'd just schedule it and send the info and take the vacation day.
If your son has had braces the wisdom teeth can start to shift his teeth.
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smartypants71
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,992 
Location: Houston, TX
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Post by smartypants71 on Jun 28, 2017 12:55:15 GMT
My ex is like that but even more annoying is that he expects me to be at his beck and call. I just do things based on my schedule and he either accommodates or he doesn't. It was annoying at first, but it doesn't bother at all anymore.
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Post by pretzels on Jun 28, 2017 13:07:51 GMT
In the wisdom teeth instance I'd just schedule it and send the info and take the vacation day. If your son has had braces the wisdom teeth can start to shift his teeth. That's why we're doing it before he leaves for college. I've requested the day, so someone would be there for DS no matter what. |
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,615
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Post by MerryMom on Jun 28, 2017 13:52:38 GMT
Before I finished the OP, I was already guessing that his lack of prompt response isn't a new problem since your divorce.
I do agree that since your children will be with their father during the only available date of the wisdom tooth appointment, I do agree with you that the father should be consulted as the kids will be with him on "his time". Plus after a wisdom tooth extraction, someone needs to be with your son after the appointment. However, perhaps add this sentence regarding the wisdom teeth, "If I don't hear from you by xyz date, then I will assume that you don't have a problem, and I will go and schedule the appointment as listed in the email."
For the computer issue, perhaps some variation of that. "Since you know more about computers, here are the four that the college recommends, I will split the cost. However, if you don't pick out the computer by xyz date, then I will assume that you don't have a preference and I and our son will pick out a computer and I will send you the bill for your half of the computer."
Set a reasonable deadline.
While in general, I don't think the children should be in the middle of parent communications, given that your son is going away to college, he is old enough to ask his father as well. Because, if you were still married, your son would ask his father about which computer.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Jun 28, 2017 13:58:26 GMT
In the two examples you gave I would just go on with life as if he's not a factor. I'd find someone else to help with choosing a computer, your ex isn't the only one available (and actually after 6 wks wait I wouldn't say he's available!), and for the dental procedure I'd just plan to be the only parent available and go from there. Don't depend on him for anything is my advice. Since you've only been divorced a short time I'm sure you'll get better at this with time.
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Post by jumperhop on Jun 28, 2017 14:24:59 GMT
With your college age son, I would have DS do all the communication with your ex. (within reason)
DS needs a laptop, DS talks to his dad with the info and tells him mom will pay for half. DS needs wisdom teeth out DS calls dad and says I have an apt to get my wisdom teeth out Aug 9th, will you be able to come with me or should I have Mom?
Jen
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 28, 2017 15:00:14 GMT
First, I feel your pain. My ex is like that too. I would do as jumperhop suggested. My ex will generally respond to a direct request but in the last 6 months has even failed to do that! Most recently I asked him to give DD a few driving lessons while she was visiting him for a month as she starts drivers ed the day after she gets home. I asked him 6 times before he finally said he would. It was something I thought he would enjoy doing . As it turns out they had to use his wife's car to do the lessons in, if that was the issue he could have just told me that. It is frustrating. Hang in there! |
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Post by mom on Jun 29, 2017 3:15:05 GMT
Ok a couple of things stood out to me.
1) re: the computer - did you ask him if he could help pay for 1/2 of it? Or are you assuming he will? I know if my x-dh sent me something, implying I needed to buy xx I would just hit delete to the email. Now, if he wanted to talk to me about if I could help, then I would be open to helping.
2) how old is your son if he is old enough to be going to college? Shouldn't he be talking with his dad and working things out? Perhaps your x-DH thinks son needs to be handling his own appts and what not.
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Post by megop on Jun 29, 2017 4:47:12 GMT
Try to keep in mind you divorced him apparently. He may be still healing and avoiding any direct communication with you. A child going to away to school is fully capable of communicating with their father for needs.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Jun 29, 2017 5:18:41 GMT
Ok a couple of things stood out to me. 1) re: the computer - did you ask him if he could help pay for 1/2 of it? Or are you assuming he will? I know if my x-dh sent me something, implying I needed to buy xx I would just hit delete to the email. Now, if he wanted to talk to me about if I could help, then I would be open to helping. 2) how old is your son if he is old enough to be going to college? Shouldn't he be talking with his dad and working things out? Perhaps your x-DH thinks son needs to be handling his own appts and what not. So....you would just delete an email because your ex didn't ask nicely enough and it involved money? I think this is assy and immature behavior from any ex. |
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Post by mom on Jun 29, 2017 6:16:57 GMT
Ok a couple of things stood out to me. 1) re: the computer - did you ask him if he could help pay for 1/2 of it? Or are you assuming he will? I know if my x-dh sent me something, implying I needed to buy xx I would just hit delete to the email. Now, if he wanted to talk to me about if I could help, then I would be open to helping. 2) how old is your son if he is old enough to be going to college? Shouldn't he be talking with his dad and working things out? Perhaps your x-DH thinks son needs to be handling his own appts and what not. So....you would just delete an email because your ex didn't ask nicely enough and it involved money? I think this is assy and immature behavior from any ex. . If he made demands, yes. I would delete it. If he picked up the phone/emailed and said hey can we work together to get xxx paid for? No problem. Lets get it done. But if he just told me to do something? Nope. You don't get to tell other adults they have to do something unless there is a court order or something of the like. When I divorced him he lost the right to make demands to me, my time, and my finances. I am open to working together but in working together no one makes demands. SaveSave |
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Post by pretzels on Jun 29, 2017 10:04:07 GMT
Ok a couple of things stood out to me. 1) re: the computer - did you ask him if he could help pay for 1/2 of it? Or are you assuming he will? I know if my x-dh sent me something, implying I needed to buy xx I would just hit delete to the email. Now, if he wanted to talk to me about if I could help, then I would be open to helping. 2) how old is your son if he is old enough to be going to college? Shouldn't he be talking with his dad and working things out? Perhaps your x-DH thinks son needs to be handling his own appts and what not. Considering that 1: Our DS is still a minor (he won't be 18 for a month), the divorce decree that states that we split expenses still is in force; and 2: when we divorced, my ex told me that if DS didn't get into this certain university, he would hold it against me for the rest of my life (DS did get into this certain university and this certain university requires one of four specific computers), my request was well within bounds. (In the end, ex bought DS the laptop as his graduation gift, so I didn't have to pay for any of it. This has nothing to do with money and is all about how he is continuing to parent as he did when we were married -- letting me do all the heavy lifting.) |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:01:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2017 11:09:17 GMT
Were you married to my ex?  He did the exact same thing as part of his passive aggressive continuum. He would not respond, and then claim to the kids he knew nothing about it and that "mom didn't tell me." My son eventually set up a group chat site (I forget where) with the kids, my ex and me notified whenever there was a new entry. Documented like that, dear old dad couldn't pretend he hadn't been informed. Its ridiculous to have to deal with people like this; like having another child. |
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jun 29, 2017 13:10:52 GMT
My suggestion:
"Here is a list of available dates. I need to confirm with the surgery center on Thursday at 9am, so if I haven't heard from you by Wednesday evening I will assume all proposed dates are available on your calendar, and will choose the one that best suits DS schedule. Thanks."
Also, make sure all communication is documented, even if things are amicable.
Best wishes for your DS!
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He did the exact same thing as part of his passive aggressive continuum. He would not respond, and then claim to the kids he knew nothing about it and that "mom didn't tell me." 