|
Post by 950nancy on Aug 27, 2014 2:47:42 GMT
That is 168 hours. Perhaps planning a few fun things with him by yourself might be the way to go. Can you find a sitter for the other two for something special? Our back to school shopping trips were so much fun when my boys were little. My oldest son tried on four pair of pants and the other stood buck naked in front of the mirror whipping his own behind. Gotta love the second born children.
|
|
|
Post by candleangie on Aug 27, 2014 2:55:27 GMT
Phew! I'm tired just reading some of these responses. I remember SO CLEARLY what that was like when mine were little. (((HUGE hugs)))
I had a wonderful grandmotherly kind of neighbor when my kids were tiny who gave me the BEST piece of advice.
You can NOT force your child to behave or not behave in any particular way. He is a separate person, with his own feelings and impulses. You shouldn't even try. All you can do is make it worth it or not worth it to him.
Trying to make someone NOT say something is an exercise in frustration. His behavior is HIS responsibility, not yours. Even at this age. Take that weight off of your shoulders and put it back on his, where it belongs.
As far as keeping him in time out, yes. You have to just keep putting him back and back and back until he gives up. You have to outlast him, at this point. The MOST important part of this is to be very matter of fact. Don't talk to him, don't negotiate, and don't acknowledge that it's inconvenient or annoying in any way. Taking your emotions out of the equation takes away his power. The message you want to send him is, "Life is going on without you, and the only person unhappy right now is you."
It sucks, and it'll be a rough couple of days for you, but it's WORTH IT. Have an arsenal of fun things you can do with your other kids that are easy to walk away from for a moment and just go for it. I promise that having a brother acting like this is much harder on them than the couple of rough days it will take to outlast him.
We had some standard responses for most of the things he's pulling right now. Every kid is different, obviously, but maybe these will help you out as a starting point?
Screaming and swearing: "You can only be around other people if you can be nice. Come back when you're ready to use nice words again." (Eventually we shortened this to "Be nice, or be out. Choose.")
"That will NOT get you what you want." and then walk away. (Actually this works for a LOT of bad behaviors. lol)
For throwing things, it just instantly became mine and didn't come back for a week or two. It didn't take very many times of this happening. Again, be matter of fact.
YOU CAN DO IT, MOM. Seriously. You can do this. Come on here and scream and holler with your keyboard if you need to. We've all been there.
|
|
|
Post by candleangie on Aug 27, 2014 2:58:54 GMT
Also, if it helps at all to hear it....this DOES get better. Mine are all three in high school now (14, 15, and 16yo!) and are awesome to be around about 99% of the time.
|
|
|
Post by lindywholoveskids on Aug 27, 2014 5:09:42 GMT
You have gotten great advise. I don't agree with giving the child the timer. It should be in a neutral place, and when it goes off, he will hear it and know what comes next.
He could earn a day at the zoo, or whatever you can manage with the other kids. I wouldn't surprise him with this but tell him that if his behavior improves significantly he will earn a special outing. On your terms.
I think you mentioned arguing with him. That's a power struggle that no one wins.
Let us know how it goes!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 10, 2024 20:30:56 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2014 5:35:30 GMT
Also, if it helps at all to hear it....this DOES get better. Mine are all three in high school now (14, 15, and 16yo!) and are awesome to be around about 99% of the time. Thank you so much. You're awesome. You made me tear up...your advice and words of encouragement were just spot on. I will definitely use some of those lines you gave me. And yes, it DOES help to know it gets better! Even if that is 10 years away...lol.
|
|
paigepea
Drama Llama
Enter your message here...
Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
|
Post by paigepea on Aug 27, 2014 5:35:37 GMT
I have a very opinionated, strong willed 5 yr old starting grade 1 next week.
I have used a few of the strategies here that have really worked wonders in our house.
Firstly, I started using a timer for time out. That way, it had nothing to do with me saying time out was over but rather dd waited for the beep from the stove (I use the stove timer). I do time out on the stairs if she is listening and sitting, or in her room if she isn't sitting still. If she screams, gets too angry, stomps her feet or slams her door, she gets a double time out, and I increase the timer to 10 minutes (that stopped the major tantrums related to a time out).
I also don't let dd out of time out unless she has calmed down, even if it means she's in her room for 30 min or 1 hr. When she's in time out in her room I allow her to read books or cuddle dolls. Yes, there have been times when I held her door closed to keep her in time out. She still loves her room, she just doesn't try to get out of time out anymore.
We also started a marble jar for her and my other dd. they have their own jars. Once they get to 23 marbles (some random number I picked) they get to choose between an ice cream parlour visit or a family pizza party. My 5 yr old gets marbles for behaving well, not arguing, getting ready for school nicely,helping with dinner, etc. my older dd gets marbles for different things like doing dishes, emptying the dishwasher, helping younger dd with reading, etc. the marbles have changed my 5 yr old's attitude.
It's not perfect, but way better.
We refuse to do our dance with younger dd now - please do this , please do this, you'll get time out if you don't behave, etc. now we go straight to time out.
P.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 10, 2024 20:30:56 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2014 5:37:43 GMT
I think you mentioned arguing with him. That's a power struggle that no one wins. Let us know how it goes! Ugh. Yes of course you're right. You know what the worst part is?! He gets his stubbornness from me!
|
|
paigepea
Drama Llama
Enter your message here...
Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
|
Post by paigepea on Aug 27, 2014 5:40:07 GMT
I just want to add that I read a great book that helped me with the ideas I implemented that I wrote about in my above post. I read Setting Limits with your Strong Willed Child. It was recommended to me here when I posted a similar thread about being at my wits send with my 5 yr old.
Good luck!
Paige.
|
|
Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,314
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
|
Post by Country Ham on Aug 27, 2014 11:31:04 GMT
What about good old fashioned washing his mouth out with soap when he swears? Good swat on the backside when he throws things?
|
|
|
Post by Merge on Aug 27, 2014 13:04:02 GMT
Merge those are awesome ideas. I will work on a chart and start that this week. I think you're right though, sticks are NOT WORKING. I will try carrots. BTDT - my oldest is very strong-willed and no amount of sticks have ever worked for her. I could and have removed every non-essential item from her room, grounded her from various fun activities, taken away privileges, you name it (including spanking, Countryham) and nothing like that works. She's 13 and we still do much better with positive goal setting than with negative interventions. Positive interventions have the added benefit of helping her control and manage her own behavior - going automatically to the negative puts some kids in a fight or flight mode where their brains are not capable of rational thought. Anyway, I'm not an expert and don't claim to be. I do recommend the Love and Logic books - I use their techniques at home and in my classroom with good results.
|
|
|
Post by Peace Sign on Aug 27, 2014 13:19:18 GMT
take him to the target dollar spot or somewhere and let him pick out several toys and treats. put them in a box, only for him. then, catch him doing things right and give him a marble. at four marbles, let him choose something from the box.
gradually make the rewards more specific. I give my kid a marble for getting ready for school with no screaming, for example. and I also put a few bigger items in the box that cost more marbles, so he can choose to save or spend.
I also have a chart of what to do each morning and after school. then I don't have to be a nag. when he says 'can I play xbox?' I say 'I don't know, can you?' and he goes to look at his chart.
consistency is the key with five year olds.
|
|
|
Post by alibama on Aug 27, 2014 13:23:03 GMT
Sometimes kids are just giant turds. Time out standing sounds good. Talk all you want because I am going to leave the room. Maybe time out isn't the best consequence for him. I don't know what is, but perhaps something he loves could be taken away. How many days until school starts? I would also suggest when you do time out that you put him in and do not talk to him until time out is done. Tell him why he is going in timr out, put him there and walk away, if he gets out go get him put him back and walk away. Rinse and repeat as necessary. Of course that is easier said then done lol.
|
|
|
Post by anxiousmom on Aug 27, 2014 13:26:39 GMT
I have two boys very close in age and when they were younger-holy hell it was like a circus some days at my house. Naughty? Oh yes. High energy? Absolutely. Stubborn and willful? Without question. Add to that a high tolerance for risk taking behavior it is a wonder that I didn't end up committed before they hit first grade. I was also a single parent, so I was the lucky recipient of that behavior ALL. THE. TIME. ALONE.
I learned early to pick my battles. Learn what it is that that you are asking him to do because you want it or if it really needs to be. Hitting is not an option. A battle of wills over putting shoes on the wrong feet is not.
Remember that at five, they don't automatically understand what "clean your room" means. I would have to sit in the boy's room with them and walk them through it. Most of the time it was a game..."pick up four things with wheels" or "pick up three things that are red" or "pick up two things that start with a C." Exhausting for me, but the room ended up clean.
Time out didn't work for us. The separation from the family (as in sitting alone) caused more anxiety than the lesson I was trying to teach. I had to find other consequences instead. Mostly we worked on a reward system instead. One of my boys loved to watch tv so for him good behavior earned tv time, bad behavior lost tv time. When someone started to spin out of control, I would sit him down somewhere nearby and tell him when he got his shit together to let me know. (Not in those words obviously LOL)
And the biggest thing I learned about boys (and this is probably true about girls, but I only know high energy boys LOL) is that they need a LOT of physical play. They need to run and jump and scream and throw things and all of that. It was the hardest thing for me, as a mom who is happy as a clam to sit curled up with a book. It is SO different from my experience. My mom and I joke that it is like having puppies, you have to walk them twice a day to get the wiggles out. LOL
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 10, 2024 20:30:56 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2014 15:06:05 GMT
What about good old fashioned washing his mouth out with soap when he swears? Good swat on the backside when he throws things? I've tried it. Honestly, any type of physical punishment has made it worse. It doesn't scare him off of doing it again, it just pisses him off and makes the current situation even harder.
|
|
imsirius
Prolific Pea
Call it as I see it.
Posts: 7,661
Location: Floating in the black veil.
Jul 12, 2014 19:59:28 GMT
|
Post by imsirius on Aug 27, 2014 15:18:12 GMT
My 5 year old DD is the exact same way! I have tried everything. I work with kids and I can't figure her out! She is so stubborn and angry and she also spits when she's mad. (so mad she can't talk, just spits!)
I have used the chart, the reward system, the treat reward, the sticker charts, ALL OF IT. I have done time outs with the timer, without the timer, on the stairs, in a corner, in her room (in which when she is angry, she tears it apart). I have taken things, removed things, thrown things out, but nothing seems to be her currency.
She is outside with her brother right now and I can hear her screaming at him because he won't do what SHE wants him to (he is 13) and she isn't intimidated at all.
She isn't scared of us. She told her dad the other day when he was disciplining her "I'm not scared of you!" He almost lost his temper with her big time, just to try to prove a point, but thankfully, he kept in control.
She is whiny, cries at the drop of a hat, hits and screams if she doesn't get her own way. She has meltdowns of epic proportions when we tell her no.
The other thing is, she is SO smart that she doesn't "fall" for the promises and treats. She just says "Oh Mom, you can't bribe me!" Her teacher last year said that she is incredibly intelligent and she can reason her way out of anything. It's a battle for sure.
I love her to pieces but she is wearing me out!!!
I am going to try some of the books recommended on this thread. Thank you!
|
|
|
Post by ljs1691 on Aug 27, 2014 15:26:59 GMT
Do NOT engage in the arguments, no matter what. Explain it is not up for discussion and leave it at that. Also like others have said, stay consistent, if you give in at all he will exploit your weakness. Don't forget to praise good behavior, picking up toys, having good manners, whatever it is. I had one just like this, there comes a point where all they hear is negative. At first it may not appear to work, but if you stick to it, he will figure it out. We tried points to get a reward, it didn't work for us. A redirection sounds like your best bet for now. My ds has slightly high IQ and was just bored and acted up because of it. Took too many years to figure it out but he turned out alright at 17.
Thoughts are with you, good luck!
|
|