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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 16:06:27 GMT
You don't value yourself...because no one else values you. I get that. I lived that. Very true. I have no self-esteem.You need an attorney. Yesterday. You cannot go on like this. You cannot continue to live like this. Life may or may not be difficult as you navigate divorce and post-divorce life. My life is better in more ways than I'm able to count. Your life sounds like hell now. How much worse can it really get if you were to find an attorney and begin divorce proceedings? You make a lot of sense.
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katybee
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Post by katybee on Jul 28, 2017 16:13:06 GMT
If I were you, I would start NOW. Take a chance. Don't start the new school year at your current school, then you won't feel guilty leaving mid year, Sub for a little bit. Get a lawyer and do what you have to do get a divorce/what is rightfully owed to you. Save all your pennies. Ignore your asshole husband and focus on your new life. When you're ready (hopefully sooner than later), move to Houston and get a tiny, cheap apartment. Then continue subbing. You do not have to have a current TX certificate to sub. If you are good, you will be able to work every day. I know that it is not as much as a full-time tteaching job, but it's just temporary. You can tutor after school (I charge $40-50 per hour). You might even find a long-term sub position. Or at my school, last year, we had to hire two full-time teachers midyear for different reasons. By next year, you'll have your Texas certificate and be ready for a full time job.
There's never going to be the perfect time to act. There will always be a reason to wait. It will be a big risk no matter what. Don't wait until the end of the school year to leave.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 28, 2017 16:14:23 GMT
Yes, I agree with you. I haven't given up on getting a teaching job in Texas - it just has to wait until next year - or maybe until later during this school year. Although, I am against changing jobs during the school year because its not fair to my students. No, I can't live with friends or family. My family all have their own problems and I don't want to get into the middle of that. It wouldn't end well. I don't want to burden any friends with my drama. That would be humiliating. I won't threaten anyone anymore - I'll just stay in my scrapbook room and be quiet until I can get out of Sorry, you don't have any other support systems, but I think you would be surprised at how much your friends may WANT to help you out. As far as just stay in your sb room and be quiet? until you get out???!!! again. Passive. Live your live. Like someone else said. WHY do you ask permission to do things, such as plug in things, or feed the cats? that's just odd. You need to think for yourself. Look at your budget. Is it ton of cc credit? Or what is the money situation? The house is not his. I assume it's in both your names? Put all the cc debt on a low, or 0% card for a yr, til the divorce, and you get money from the sale to pay it off. I don't think you should move to a homeless shelter or sell your car. That's a bit extreme. See a lawyer, crunch the money numbers, and start living.
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Post by peasapie on Jul 28, 2017 16:19:54 GMT
I agree. I wouldn't have told him you've seen a lawyer, because he may start to hide documents even more than he's already doing. That makes it harder for you to break free--which may be his plan. He seems to control you by keeping things out of your reach. According to the lawyer this used to be a problem in Florida, but now there is a law where he would be required by the court to provide them. That's good. I have two friends who are matrimonial attorneys in Fla. If you have any general questions, I can ask them.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jul 28, 2017 16:20:34 GMT
You sound very very passive. It's all like, oh, well, guess it won't work. i'll just have to suffer, or give up my dream job, or whatever. If you want things to change you have to stand up for yourself to them. What is going on with the job in TX? can you move and live with friends or family for awhile? It will only work out, IF you work it out. Not if you just sit there, and throw around warnings and threats to each other. Yes, I agree with you. I haven't given up on getting a teaching job in Texas - it just has to wait until next year - or maybe until later during this school year. Although, I am against changing jobs during the school year because its not fair to my students. No, I can't live with friends or family. My family all have their own problems and I don't want to get into the middle of that. It wouldn't end well. I don't want to burden any friends with my drama. That would be humiliating. I won't threaten anyone anymore - I'll just stay in my scrapbook room and be quiet until I can get out of here. Listen, you have to put yourself first. Above your students. Do what you need to do. Is it ideal to lose a teacher mid-year? No. But those kids will survive. I'm not so sure about you and your kids. Taking control of your situation will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids.. and probably your soon to be exH! I would talk to a lawyer and a counselor ASAP. I can not tell you how out of control I felt when I was going through my divorce. And how in control and calm I felt when I moved away from my ex. It was really hard, financially devastating, but life affirming and brought so much happiness for myself and my daughter. You can do this! It will be hard.. but you will look back and wonder why the hell it took you so long.
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Post by destined2bmom on Jul 28, 2017 16:26:18 GMT
You have received great advice on this thread! You are not crazy. Hugs to you! After your divorce, you can create a new life that you love.
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Post by librarylady on Jul 28, 2017 16:33:04 GMT
You have had a lot of good advice here. I would add, find the nearest AA group and go to the meetings that are for family who live with an alcoholic. You will find support and strength there.
Consult with an attorney and then quietly make your plans and moves. You have all of us in your hip pocket for encouragement.
FWIW, when I moved out on ex, I had $71 to my name. I had to go ask for my teaching job back (and got it). A friend let me move in with her, no rent for 3 months--and then the 2 of us rented an apt together. IT DOES GET BETTER!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 16:33:15 GMT
Just chiming in that I'm thinking about you. You just might be crazy, and I'd be surprised if you weren't! Life in that household would make Mother Theresa crazy! You have a lot of great advice. It's hard not to vocalize your thoughts and feelings to your worthless family, but you need to withhold. Come vent here anytime you feel like you're going to burst! Find a lawyer today! Most give free consultations. Visit here: Divorce Source That place helped me a lot when I was going thru my divorce. My situation wasn't no where near as bad as yours. We were just in a loveless marriage. My self-esteem plummeted. I was stuck in a rut. One night I had a dream that I was moving into a place. This place is hard to describe. It didn't have any doors...there were curtains where the door would be. It was small...one room with a tiny bathroom. Probably more like a motel room without a door. But I still remember the relief I felt in my dream. This place was all mine! Nobody to tell me what to do, nobody asking me to do stuff for them. I actually felt free! That's when I knew it was time for me to move on. Luckily I didn't have to move into a doorless motel room. I got the house. But even if I didn't, I knew I could stand to live in a small apartment or even a room if I had to for the time being. Sending you warm hugs and good thoughts! Stay strong!
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imsirius
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Post by imsirius on Jul 28, 2017 16:42:29 GMT
I agree with most everyone here.
My question is why is your 29 year old daughter still living at home? Does she have a job?
I think you know you need to go but you are dragging your feet. If you are teaching, you should have no issues finding a small apartment. I would live in a box or a trailer if my life sounded like yours. Why do you not have access to your husband's finances? Has it been this way your entire marriage?
I can't imagine not being able to access any paperwork or tax returns. My husband and I share everything and I have access to it all. It boggles me that you are essentially living single and paying your own bills already so why not leave?
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 28, 2017 16:44:01 GMT
I just saw this on FB...thought of you.
"What you allow, Is what will continue"
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 28, 2017 16:54:03 GMT
You are not crazy but you are in a crazy situation surrounded by some crazy people.
Your post made me sad but you are way further ahead then most people in this type of situation in that you have a job that could support you and that you have by the sounds of it doing it already.
I am in a disfunctional unhappy relationship but if I had the financial ability and means you do I'd make the changes I need to be at peace.
Although I'm unhappy I don't let him or my situation stop me from going out and enjoying the things I love.
I've been stashing away $ in hopes that I will be able to make a change if my situation doesn't.
Your post about trying to psych yourself up as you drove home resonated with me. I can't tell you how many times I've driven home from a mini getaway by myself and wished I was going home to a happy place where I wanted to be.
If you can't get out now at least go out and enjoy your life don't let your family stop you from enjoying it!
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Post by aljack on Jul 28, 2017 16:56:17 GMT
Your post had me screaming in my mind. I was anxious for you just reading. I think most have given you great advice.
Please stop threatening or even telling your husband you want a divorce. Just refrain and remain calm. No comments. Then prep yourself with all the peas shared.
I am concerned about your relationship with your daughters. I hope you can find a way to rekindle that and everyone can respect one another but it sounds like right now it won't happen.
I wish you the best!
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Post by freebird on Jul 28, 2017 16:57:06 GMT
You are crazy if you stay. Get a lawyer. It's time to leave. "Get busy living, or get busy dying." -Shawshank Redemption That quote strikes a nerve in me. At this point, I'd rather be dead then continue on like this. I can just picture myself sitting on the couch in my little apartment. Ahhh - the peace!
When I was getting a divorce, I rented a storage unit to put some furniture in before I found a house. I was still living with the ex at the time in our home. When I needed peace, I would just go to the storage unit, open the door and sit in one of the chairs I'd bought. It wasn't much of anything but it was mine.
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 28, 2017 17:04:50 GMT
That quote strikes a nerve in me. At this point, I'd rather be dead then continue on like this. I can just picture myself sitting on the couch in my little apartment. Ahhh - the peace!
When I was getting a divorce, I rented a storage unit to put some furniture in before I found a house. I was still living with the ex at the time in our home. When I needed peace, I would just go to the storage unit, open the door and sit in one of the chairs I'd bought. It wasn't much of anything but it was mine. Love this!
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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 19:02:57 GMT
OK ladies, I've crunched the numbers and I have a plan. I'm going out to look at apartments today. I'm not going to say anything to anyone here at home. I'm so excited! Called the lawyer and made an appointment to file for divorce. I read about the law in FL about leaving the house - I'm not losing any rights to it because my name is on the mortgage.
Thank you for your support and kind words. I'll keep you updated on how it goes.
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Post by snugglebutter on Jul 28, 2017 19:10:45 GMT
Boundaries is a book you could probably benefit a lot from, especially for your relationship with your daughters.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 19:15:17 GMT
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Post by disneypal on Jul 28, 2017 19:24:10 GMT
cindytred - just read your update and that takes courage. I hope things start turning around for you and soon you are living a happier life.
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Post by paget on Jul 28, 2017 19:29:55 GMT
GFY. Great step! We are thinking of you and rooting for you.
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Post by misadventurous on Jul 28, 2017 19:43:44 GMT
I love your update - good luck to you, Cindy! You only get this one, very precious life. Live it the way you want to.
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imsirius
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Post by imsirius on Jul 28, 2017 19:53:41 GMT
Good luck! Keep us posted! Wishing the best.
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Post by gypsymama on Jul 28, 2017 19:56:55 GMT
keep it up, girl! i'm in the middle of it myself!
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Post by marmargirl on Jul 28, 2017 20:20:36 GMT
I'm so happy to hear you're going forward. There's no good reason for you to drag your feet and you're not!
Taking charge of your life and finally putting yourself first is the healthiest you can do for your mental, physical and emotional well-being. 💕
Good for you!!👍🏼
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Post by kernriver on Jul 28, 2017 20:30:40 GMT
You need to quit doing stuff and then telling them for a reaction. Looking for an apartment and talking to an attorney are a couple of things you mentioned you did and then told your family. If you really want out (and it sounds like a living hell to me) just start getting your ducks in a line. The peas usually have good suggestions on what to do. Listen to them. And good luck.
eta, I see in your last update that you are taking things into your own hands and proceeding to divorce. Good for you. And again, good luck.
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Post by pondrunner on Jul 28, 2017 20:45:41 GMT
Did you get that teaching job?? I'd be out of that house in a hot minute. He's an ass and your DDs aren't much better. Yes, I was offered the teaching job in Houston, but the temporary certificate was a hurdle I couldn't jump over in time. I've done everything I need to do to get my temporary certificate but its going to take many weeks so I had to turn down that job offer and come back home. Girl can you go work at Target and stay with family until it comes through?? Cause what you've described is straight up bullshit and if you were my real life friend I would kick you in the butt and tell you to go get a moving van and some boxes. ETA I just saw your update. i hope you can find a place of your own quickly and can get yourself on your own two feet. You shouldn't be treated that way, you deserve so much more consideration and respect than this.
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Post by SallyPA on Jul 28, 2017 20:58:54 GMT
You've received a lot of good advice, and I don't have anything new to add. But did want to offer some more support. Life can be so much better than this.
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Post by anniefb on Jul 28, 2017 20:59:15 GMT
Great to hear you're moving forward. You can do this!
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moodyblue
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Post by moodyblue on Jul 28, 2017 21:23:36 GMT
At first I was thinking you should just bite the bullet and move to Texas. Now, I'm thinking that this move, while keeping your current teaching job in Florida, will give you a chance to see if you'd be happy in Florida with a new life or if you want to follow through on the move to Texas.
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Post by yivit on Jul 28, 2017 22:56:35 GMT
Yay Cindy! Personally, I would look at a short term lease (less than a year) in case you really DO want to move back to Texas, unless breaking a lease wouldn't be a big deal.
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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 23:06:53 GMT
At first I was thinking you should just bite the bullet and move to Texas. Now, I'm thinking that this move, while keeping your current teaching job in Florida, will give you a chance to see if you'd be happy in Florida with a new life or if you want to follow through on the move to Texas. Oh, I'm 98% sure I'll end up in Texas within the next year.
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