How to distance yourself from family?

I kinda think you are over thinking this - especially if you only see them on holidays.

Personally, there is no way I would try to influence my husband for him to not see his family on holidays. I will go with him, slap a smile on my face and support him.

sorry you have reached this point in your relationship with them but if you are truly done, then be done. who cares what they say if you disappear for all but the holidays? when FIL passed away 3 years ago, i kind of did the same thing. i just started skipping family stuff except for xmas. no one said anything, no one died from my lack of presence. i don't think anyone is surprised. i just wanted out from the mundane gatherings that were even more boring after FIL died. dh wasn't happy at first because now he has to go over there by himself and suffer alone but it is what it is.

so, if you are done, be done. don't worry about how it looks. no doubt they will survive ok without you there.

I'm sorry about an incident and hurt feelings.

I can tell you it is possible to do....and civilly. If you intend to, just mail holiday gifts to them in advance.

We hadn't seen dh's family in a bit. No real incident but I think they thought it was my doing. Dh just got tired of always making the effort.

But anyway now there's some surgery that's brought us all back together. You just never know what is going to happen in life.
I guess I'd rather choose to be there for one another if I can.

Is there any way maybe you could let things cool down before you decide to cut them out?

Sounds like you might just need some peace and closure so just be good to yourself and listen to your heart. Give yourself time to feel.

This. Plus, just lie for the next couple of years until they get used to you not being there. Have an illness or a mandatory something or other so that you cannot attend the family function. The peace that comes from letting go is soooo worth it that you won't even think about what the in laws are saying.

I think you should talk to your dh and explain why you need to cut all ties. Then tell him you will support him if he wants to continue his relationship with them. You will be in a neutral judge free zone. I speak from experience. I was done with his parents years ago and I was able to cut ties drama free. I am cordial when I see them, I invite them into my home and I remind dh to call them on special occasions. It has worked out well. I have the peace I need, dh isn't stuck in between us and they still feel welcome to visit us if they ever choose to do so. You have to set your own boundaries, if not, nobody will do it for you.

I think this is well said.
Take care of yourself, at the same time allow your DH to do what he needs to do guiltfree.

Hugs  and good luck.
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I don't even think you have to go into the whole incident.
You could just say " hey dh, your mom and I had some words and it may be better if I step back for a bit."

I'm really jealous of everyone who is able to have a cordial, holidays-only relationship! I cut ties with mother-in-law and dh's brother 6 years ago (after 10 years of nonsense I won't even go into). Me not attending every.single.get-together was a huge issue. (We live in the same town- we're talking several times a week.) DH's mother is a narcissist and she simply wouldn't "accept" it. She badgered dh about my absence constantly, and he ended up cutting ties with her as well. She was just unbearable about why I didn't want to be around her.

I don't regret it though...the situation couldn't continue as it was. If you feel you need to be done, be done. Anything else will make you miserable. Just be ready for it to set off a chain reaction. Your dh will probably get a lot of grief about it, and the in-laws will probably try to turn people against you.

Sorry you're in this situation...6 years later I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Good luck. This is one of those crap situations with no good answers.