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Post by hdoublej on Aug 11, 2017 16:22:41 GMT
Without making this extremely long, I used to have a really good relationship with my in-laws but we had a falling out a few years ago and our relationship has been rocky at best since. Up until that point, I was always the one pushing DH to have a relationship with them. I was the one that made sure our kids had a relationship with DH's parents and sister. I pushed for us to go to family get togethers and to keep contact (MIL and FIL live within a mile but we have to make the effort to go see them. They don't contact us much or come to much of anything they are invited to, like ballgames and church events the kids are in but drive an hour and a half to see SIL kids events). It was easy for DH to not go to functions because of his work schedule so it was always the kids and I going without DH. Because of that, I became the contact point for anything that was going on.
When everything went down, it was said that I was the reason that DH doesn't go to see his parents or visit his sister and her family and all blame was laid on my shoulders. I was extremely hurt because for years I had made sure I did everything I could to ensure a good relationship with them. I stepped way back and they started contacting DH to make plans (such as holidays and birthdays) but most of the time, DH didn't respond. I don't agree with how he handled it but didn't have the energy or care to fight it. We have gone to holiday and birthday parties and it has gotten to where I can be in the same room with them but, for me, it's still uncomfortable but because it's his family I go.
Lately, MIL has been contacting me when making plans because DH doesn't respond to her. I've tried not responding (taking my cue from DH) and it doesn't work. She is relentless and I have a hard time saying no, which doesn't make sense after everything that's happened but it is what it is. If I commit to something with them then DH gets upset. He still has work hours that don't always work with family plans but that's his way of getting out of answering whether or not we are going. He just says he has to work and then it's up to me to decide if the kids and I are going.
I'm just at a loss. I'm tired of being in the middle but I don't want to come off as mean or anything. The situation is so bad that our oldest DD who is 19 doesn't really want to have anything to do with them either because of things that have happened over the years. This isn't what I wanted for my family. I wanted my kids to have a good relationship with my in-laws.
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Post by not2peased on Aug 11, 2017 16:29:49 GMT
I would just say: "trying to manage the relationship with you and DH and our adult kids is really stressful and upsetting for me, and I need to step back and let you have a relationship with your son and grandkids, without my interference"
when they whine to you about him not responding just say: "I am sorry to hear that, I hope you can work things out in a way that works for all" or "it's healthier for me to draw some boundaries, and his relationship with you, needs to be managed by him, and not me, I hope you can understand"
<edited to add> you could also respond to her requests to get together with: "what does DH say about it?" and if she says he isn't responding, say "well hopefully he will soon so you can work out the logistics"
they will likely be annoyed with you, but they are annoyed with you anyway, and this way at least you don't get sucked into the drama. I'd also tell DH you were all done playing middleman and he is officially on notice that he is going to manage his parents from now on.
then stand your ground
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:36:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2017 16:33:33 GMT
I've been in your exact shoes. Dh has a horrible relationship with his family and I was always the one pushing him to keep contact, initiate get togethers, etc. Well I finally realized that maybe he was the one who really didn't want the relationship anymore but didn't know how to go about it. So I stepped out of it. I told him I would back him with whatever he wanted. He calls them on special occasions, tells them our door is always open for them to visit and left it at that. They never call and they never visit anymore. Dh finally saw their true colors (even though he knew already...actions speak louder than words) and now he is at peace with his relationship with them. The only thing I do is remind him to call them on special occasions and just leave it at that. I took myself out of the equation altogether and it's been the healthiest for both of us. I think in your situation you have to set up boundaries. MIL sees that you are very sweet and accommodating. I'm not saying she could be manipulating you, but she definitely uses you as the go between. You have to decide if you want to keep playing that role. For me, it wasn't worth it. I hope you are able to find the right balance!
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 11, 2017 16:36:22 GMT
The reason your MIL is contacting you is that she has learned that if she does it often enough and is sufficiently pushy, you will respond and agree to things. It is causing discord in your marriage because your husband doesn't want you committing to the events that you commit to because your MIL is pushing.
I would tell MIL, "Please get in touch with DH for scheduling events" every single time. Don't justify, don't make excuses, and don't commit to anything. Same response, every time. For me, it wouldn't be worth upsetting my spouse to please someone outside of my household with whom I do not have a great relationship anyway.
I do get wanting to make sure your kids have a relationship with the grandparents. That's where I struggle too. But as someone in a similar position, I will say that the older my kids get, the more they independently perceive how disinterested their grandparents are, and the less I feel responsibility for the relationship. At some point, the grandparents have to make an effort; you can't make something happen that isn't there.
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cycworker
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Post by cycworker on Aug 11, 2017 16:48:45 GMT
I'm gonna get flamed.
Unless there's been serious physical or sexual abuse, you need to tell you dh to suck it up and stop being so damn disrespectful. These are his parents. They won't be around forever. This is his family. He has obligations to them. Part of your hob as a parent is to ensure a good relationship between your kids and their grandparents.
If he doesn't start acting like an adult and make an effort with his parents, he could well reap what he's sown when your kids become parents. He's certainly sent the message that he doesn't value the grandparent/grandchild relationship.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 11, 2017 16:52:52 GMT
I'm gonna get flamed. Unless there's been serious physical or sexual abuse, you need to tell you dh to suck it up and stop being so damn disrespectful. These are his parents. They won't be around forever. This is his family. He has obligations to them. Part of your hob as a parent is to ensure a good relationship between your kids and their grandparents. If he doesn't start acting like an adult and make an effort with his parents, he could well reap what he's sown when your kids become parents. He's certainly sent the message that he doesn't value the grandparent/grandchild relationship. I won't flame you. OP, why doesn't your husband reach out to them or make an effort? Is it just laziness or diffidence? Because then I would push him to do it. If they aren't horrible people, I'd make an effort to keep them engaged. But, I agree - you shouldn't have to be in the middle. |
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PaperAngel
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Post by PaperAngel on Aug 11, 2017 17:13:47 GMT
IMHO you have fulfilled your obligation & made an effort (& sacrifices) to maintain a relationship with grandparents for your children. You are neither responsible for your husband's relationship with his parents nor the relationship your adult children choose to have with their grandparents.
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Post by not2peased on Aug 11, 2017 17:46:41 GMT
I'm gonna get flamed. Unless there's been serious physical or sexual abuse, you need to tell you dh to suck it up and stop being so damn disrespectful. These are his parents. They won't be around forever. This is his family. He has obligations to them. Part of your hob as a parent is to ensure a good relationship between your kids and their grandparents. If he doesn't start acting like an adult and make an effort with his parents, he could well reap what he's sown when your kids become parents. He's certainly sent the message that he doesn't value the grandparent/grandchild relationship. I agree that having a relationship with your parents, barring a really serious issue is a responsibility that kids have. that said, its not OPs responsibility to tell her DH what he has to do. DH is an adult, and beyond saying to him "I think you need to do more to have a relationship with your parents" the responsibility lies with him to actually do that. too many women (myself included) try to "mommy" all their relationships and it's not a healthy or productive pursuit, IMO |
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Post by hdoublej on Aug 11, 2017 17:49:34 GMT
I'm gonna get flamed. Unless there's been serious physical or sexual abuse, you need to tell you dh to suck it up and stop being so damn disrespectful. These are his parents. They won't be around forever. This is his family. He has obligations to them. Part of your hob as a parent is to ensure a good relationship between your kids and their grandparents. If he doesn't start acting like an adult and make an effort with his parents, he could well reap what he's sown when your kids become parents. He's certainly sent the message that he doesn't value the grandparent/grandchild relationship. I won't flame you. OP, why doesn't your husband reach out to them or make an effort? Is it just laziness or diffidence? Because then I would push him to do it. If they aren't horrible people, I'd make an effort to keep them engaged. But, I agree - you shouldn't have to be in the middle. I understand completely what you both are saying. His parents are very manipulative and controlling to be honest. It's their way or the highway and has been this way for our entire 22 year marriage. I think DH doesn't deal with them because of the guilt his mom lays on him so it's easier to not deal with her at all. He will always have a soft spot for his parents and they take advantage of that. He's been burned too many times to count and he doesn't want that for his kids I assume. |
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Post by femalebusiness on Aug 11, 2017 17:53:01 GMT
"You are going to have to talk to your son about that"
Wash . Rinse . Repeat
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Post by christine58 on Aug 11, 2017 17:54:24 GMT
Unless there's been serious physical or sexual abuse, you need to tell you dh to suck it up and stop being so damn disrespectful. These are his parents. They won't be around forever. This is his family. He has obligations to them. Part of your hob as a parent is to ensure a good relationship between your kids and their grandparents. Or emotional abuse.. But that being said, I saw this happen in my own family (cousin). He stepped away for almost 14 years and to be honest, it was what was best for him and his family. So unless you cycworker have been in that situation or watch it happen, don't judge someone who does. |
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kate
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Post by kate on Aug 11, 2017 18:21:23 GMT
cycworker has a good point about modeling relationships for your children. In that light, only you can decide whether engaging or disengaging with the ILs is the healthier choice - none of us can really judge the level of function/dysfunction in your family relationships. Another alternative would be to take the reins yourself, setting clear boundaries for your ILs and DH. If YOU don't want to go to a particular event, say no (and no and no and no, as needed) to your ILs. Go to the things you think are important for your children - you can check in with DH before committing, but if he gives you a wishy-washy response, let him know you're going and taking the kids, and he can join you or not. Your DH's relationship wth his parents is not your circus or monkeys, but your kids' relationship with them certainly is (possibly excepting the 19yo, who is grown). Being a wife and mother is hard work sometimes. Good on you for being thoughtful about it all!
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 11, 2017 18:24:05 GMT
It's not the children's responsibility to foster a relationship with their parents. That's what parents teach their children. If your children don't have a relationship with you, you need to look at how that happened.
It's not your job to manage other people's relationships, most especially adults. If your DH doesn't want a relationship with his parents, that is his right. Now that your DD is an adult she isn't interested in the grandparents either. There has to be a reason.
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Post by burningfeather on Aug 11, 2017 18:27:46 GMT
I could have written your post (except my inlaws live in another state). There have been some issues and frankly, DH is terrible at communication and following up under the best of circumstances. Due to some issues, I stepped back for a while and let DH just manage his relationship with them. However, both of my parents are gone and I know what it's like to lose not just one, but both parents. I don't want DH to have any regrets when he does lose one or both of his parents. For that reason, I stepped back in and encourage him to call as frequently as I can get him to do so and I also suck it up and make sure that we try to visit them. Because they are in another state, I've set some parameters, such as staying in a hotel instead of with them, but I make the trip happen. I have peace that when they are gone, I will have done everything I can do to make sure that DH doesn't regret letting the relationship just languish. It's just something you don't get to have a do-over for.
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Post by hdoublej on Aug 11, 2017 18:54:34 GMT
burningfeather I've thought about that so much! And to be honest, that's the reason I've even let myself get back into this position. I have a great relationship with my parents and my sister is my best friend. I guess I just want that for DH and his family. But every time I get involved I end up on the short end and getting hurt. I'm at the point (again) that I feel like I need to protect myself from them. I don't want to do anything I'll regret and sever all ties but I have to look out for myself also, it's a hard balance.
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keithurbanlovinpea
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Aug 11, 2017 19:42:29 GMT
I'm gonna get flamed. Unless there's been serious physical or sexual abuse, you need to tell you dh to suck it up and stop being so damn disrespectful. These are his parents. They won't be around forever. This is his family. He has obligations to them. Part of your hob as a parent is to ensure a good relationship between your kids and their grandparents. If he doesn't start acting like an adult and make an effort with his parents, he could well reap what he's sown when your kids become parents. He's certainly sent the message that he doesn't value the grandparent/grandchild relationship. Not flaming you per se but I don't believe that any child is obligated to their parents, and if my children think they are obligated to me in any way I'd be horrified. I am my own person who takes care of my own wants and needs. No one else can, should or feel obligated to do so, children or otherwise. I am owed nothing. To the OP, my advice is to step away again. He's a grown up and can (and should) handle his own relationships. I agree with the person who recommended the same bland response over and over. "You'll have to talk to your son about that." |
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Post by miominmio on Aug 11, 2017 19:52:11 GMT
burningfeather I've thought about that so much! And to be honest, that's the reason I've even let myself get back into this position. I have a great relationship with my parents and my sister is my best friend. I guess I just want that for DH and his family. But every time I get involved I end up on the short end and getting hurt. I'm at the point (again) that I feel like I need to protect myself from them. I don't want to do anything I'll regret and sever all ties but I have to look out for myself also, it's a hard balance. But your DH obviously doesn't want that kind of relationship with his parents. This might come across as a bit harsh, bit is not intended that way: perhaps you should respect that he doesn't want to? No matter what you do, you can't fix their relationship, which might have been dysfunctional before you even met him. Not all families love or even like each other, something that might be difficult to understand when you come from a close knit family. |
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gizzy
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Post by gizzy on Aug 11, 2017 19:53:28 GMT
You're in a lose/lose situation. Unless, would your DH tell his Mom to stop? I know, with my personality, I'd feel extremely guilty if I didn't answer her calls/texts. But you don't want to put a strain on your relationship with DH, either.
Maybe the only thing you can do is block her calls/texts if he doesn't want to say something to her.
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PaperAngel
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Post by PaperAngel on Aug 11, 2017 19:58:03 GMT
I'm gonna get flamed. Unless there's been serious physical or sexual abuse, you need to tell you dh to suck it up and stop being so damn disrespectful. These are his parents. They won't be around forever. This is his family. He has obligations to them. Part of your hob as a parent is to ensure a good relationship between your kids and their grandparents. If he doesn't start acting like an adult and make an effort with his parents, he could well reap what he's sown when your kids become parents. He's certainly sent the message that he doesn't value the grandparent/grandchild relationship. Unfortunately, this approach only respects the parent-child relationship without consideration of the marriage. It disregards the feelings & respect that should be shown to a spouse. As not2peased indicated, the OP's husband is her spouse, not her child. She cannot demand him to have a relationship with his parents. I appreciate the difficult position in which the OP finds herself & the challenge to find the correct balance for her/family! |
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Post by burningfeather on Aug 11, 2017 20:11:57 GMT
burningfeather I've thought about that so much! And to be honest, that's the reason I've even let myself get back into this position. I have a great relationship with my parents and my sister is my best friend. I guess I just want that for DH and his family. But every time I get involved I end up on the short end and getting hurt. I'm at the point (again) that I feel like I need to protect myself from them. I don't want to do anything I'll regret and sever all ties but I have to look out for myself also, it's a hard balance. I understand completely. My inlaws (mostly) mean well but let religion and other family members sway them. They aren't toxic to the point that I feel I have to be protected from them. I think my perspective might be different if both of my parents weren't gone. There's such a finality to it, and I am doing the minimum amount I can to make sure that DH won't be in a position to say "I didn't talk to them or see them for 3 years and I regret it." He may regret that his frequency of contact wasn't greater, but he won't regret that there wasn't any. I'm not doing it for them. I'm doing it for him. (To be clear, I do not call them, although I do sometimes send them a text with a photo if DH is working on a project that he talked to them about, etc. I badger him to call them. And I arrange a visit once a year to their winter home in Arizona so that we can see them without all the additional family drama that comes with his 5 sisters by visiting in their hometown.) |
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dawnnikol
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Post by dawnnikol on Aug 11, 2017 20:20:14 GMT
Just because your DH doesn't have an amazing relationship with his parents does not then dictate that your kids won't have a great relationship with you. My DH and I were raised completely differently and I have a super close relationship with my parents, even though they were never close with their own parents. My brother, who was raised in the same house with me, has a completely different relationship with our parents and, now, his own children.
My DH does not care about keeping in close contact with his family even though they're within a few hours driving distance. He's one of the only members of his family to ever move out of the state everyone stays in and he likes it that way. I tried to push the relationship and maintain contact for "his" sake and my kids, but it wasn't worth the stress and energy. Especially not when people show you their true colors over and over again.
I totally agree with what others have said and just telling her she needs to speak with her son about plans if she contacts you.
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Post by hdoublej on Aug 11, 2017 20:23:13 GMT
burningfeather I've thought about that so much! And to be honest, that's the reason I've even let myself get back into this position. I have a great relationship with my parents and my sister is my best friend. I guess I just want that for DH and his family. But every time I get involved I end up on the short end and getting hurt. I'm at the point (again) that I feel like I need to protect myself from them. I don't want to do anything I'll regret and sever all ties but I have to look out for myself also, it's a hard balance. But your DH obviously doesn't want that kind of relationship with his parents. This might come across as a bit harsh, bit is not intended that way: perhaps you should respect that he doesn't want to? No matter what you do, you can't fix their relationship, which might have been dysfunctional before you even met him. Not all families love or even like each other, something that might be difficult to understand when you come from a close knit family. It didn't sound harsh. I understand but I don't want him to have any regrets later. Ultimately it isn't my choice though. |
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Post by Zee on Aug 11, 2017 20:27:42 GMT
I'm gonna get flamed. Unless there's been serious physical or sexual abuse, you need to tell you dh to suck it up and stop being so damn disrespectful. These are his parents. They won't be around forever. This is his family. He has obligations to them. Part of your hob as a parent is to ensure a good relationship between your kids and their grandparents. If he doesn't start acting like an adult and make an effort with his parents, he could well reap what he's sown when your kids become parents. He's certainly sent the message that he doesn't value the grandparent/grandchild relationship. I won't flame you, but I will say that maybe you should consider that not everyone lives in the cult of Family First At All Costs. There are plenty of reasons why an adult may not feel any need to continue a relationship with someone just because they're related. It's not your "job" as a parent to make sure your children and their grandparents have a relationship. It's nice, but it's not a requirement. |
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Aug 11, 2017 20:28:25 GMT
I'm gonna get flamed. Unless there's been serious physical or sexual abuse, you need to tell you dh to suck it up and stop being so damn disrespectful. These are his parents. They won't be around forever. This is his family. He has obligations to them. Part of your hob as a parent is to ensure a good relationship between your kids and their grandparents. If he doesn't start acting like an adult and make an effort with his parents, he could well reap what he's sown when your kids become parents. He's certainly sent the message that he doesn't value the grandparent/grandchild relationship. I won't flame you. OP, why doesn't your husband reach out to them or make an effort? Is it just laziness or diffidence? Because then I would push him to do it. If they aren't horrible people, I'd make an effort to keep them engaged. But, I agree - you shouldn't have to be in the middle. I understand completely what you both are saying. His parents are very manipulative and controlling to be honest. It's their way or the highway and has been this way for our entire 22 year marriage. I think DH doesn't deal with them because of the guilt his mom lays on him so it's easier to not deal with her at all. He will always have a soft spot for his parents and they take advantage of that. He's been burned too many times to count and he doesn't want that for his kids I assume. Manipulative and controlling? Then he's better off without. I totally validate you.  |
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Post by finally~a~mama on Aug 11, 2017 21:49:35 GMT
Okay, so let me see if I'm following correctly.. His parents are manipulative and controlling. Their way or the highway. Guilt trips, etc. They're not that in to your family, not interested in attending kids events, etc. You tried to keep/get them involved with your kids. There was drama. Your DH took over contact with his family and let that move to a low contact situation. He is upset when you increase the contact now.
What benefit do the ILs bring to your life? To your DH? To your children? Those things above are a whole lot of hurt.
I understand that you would like DH & your kids to have the same close relationship with ILs that you have with your family. That would be great. However, the ILs aren't the same people as your extended family. You can't make them change. All that you can change is how you deal with them. It sounds like your DH made that change. I think you need to follow his lead. You're married to him. You should be on his side, not in the middle. Think about it from the flip side, how would you feel if your DH started trying to manage your relationships with your extended family?
That's just my 2 cents.
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cycworker
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Post by cycworker on Aug 11, 2017 22:06:28 GMT
Thanks all for being gentle. I see some of your points. My family, as we've all discussed in various ways, could be considered dysfunctional by some. Each of us as individuals? Pretty darn decent, likable people. The combination of all of us can be.... a bit much, after a few hours. I'll admit it. Let's just say I'm glad my brother & sister in law found a house in their new town, so they didn't have to live with them & commute for the first part of the school year. That might've driven them insane enough to cancel the move back to BC.  Part of what I described is cultural. My grandmother did NOT pick up the phone, generally speaking. She was 'The Matriarch.' It was our job to pick up the phone & call her. Especially the grandkids. She would at times couch it in something martyr-y about not wanting to bother us, but really? It was a combination of a respect thing & a control thing. Now, my mom is a little better, but she's got a bit of it in her, too. She will call me, but 9/10 it's only if I've not called her in 4-5 days. And the message tends to start with something passive aggressive about how she needs to make sure I'm alive, since it's been so-o-o long since she's heard from me. hdoublej - I'm trying to understand what you're saying about their behaviour; it's hard w/o specific examples to say, "yeah, that's bad enough to warrant non-contact." Editted to add that from where I'm sitting (eew, no pun intended) manipulative & controlling are subjective. What you consider manipulative I may well consider 'par for the course and not worth getting upset over.' But I've also become surprisingly good at tuning my mother out when she gets manipulative/controlling. I literally ignore it as need be. As a friend likes to say, "Smile and nod. Then do whatever you want." |
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Post by berty on Aug 11, 2017 22:37:44 GMT
It's not the children's responsibility to foster a relationship with their parents. That's what parents teach their children. If your children don't have a relationship with you, you need to look at how that happened. I have to respectfully disagree. Sometimes parents are close with and loving to their children, but for a myriad of reasons this changes as the children become adults and the fault does not always lie with the parents. |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Aug 11, 2017 22:55:09 GMT
I understand completely what you both are saying. His parents are very manipulative and controlling to be honest. It's their way or the highway and has been this way for our entire 22 year marriage. I think DH doesn't deal with them because of the guilt his mom lays on him so it's easier to not deal with her at all. But your DH obviously doesn't want that kind of relationship with his parents. This might come across as a bit harsh, bit is not intended that way: perhaps you should respect that he doesn't want to? No matter what you do, you can't fix their relationship, which might have been dysfunctional before you even met him. Not all families love or even like each other, something that might be difficult to understand when you come from a close knit family. ^^^ THAT. From experience. Your in-laws are your DH's parents; if he doesn't have a good relationship with them and has decided he doesn't want to continue a relationship with them, that's his decision. He MAY have regrets later, he may NOT. But that's on him, too... you can't make him do it differently, and if it was me and you kept trying to push me towards them, I'd probably end up resenting you for it. Even if his experiences don't sound 'that bad' to you, they're HIS feelings-- he's entitled to them. I've been with my BF for 14 years now; he hasn't spoken to his mother in over 10 years, and probably won't speak with his dad ever again, either. From what he HAS told me about his upbringing, I don't blame him one bit-- both of his parents are very selfish, immature, and dysfunctional. I also don't doubt that there are many more things he HASN'T told me about when he was a kid. While I feel regret and a profound sadness that he didn't get the childhood he should have had and that he doesn't have any meaningful relationship with them, I'm not going to force him to interact with them just because he has their DNA. We don't have kids, but if we did, I don't think I'd feel bad about them not seeing their grandparents, either, knowing what they're like. Unless there's been serious physical or sexual abuse, ^^^ EMOTIONAL abuse is also still abuse. And if someone is that controlling and manipulative, it's toxic behavior that someone can still choose to keep their distance from. (that's a horrible sentence grammatically, but I hope I got my point across.) eta: one definition: "It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming and manipulation. Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person..." <-- sounds like that could fit the in-law's behavior. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 12, 2017 1:27:25 GMT
"You are going to have to talk to your son about that" Wash . Rinse . Repeat  Over and over and over again. |
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Post by scrapaddict702 on Aug 12, 2017 2:39:48 GMT
No one wants to blame their kid if there is a partner to blame instead. My FIL did this to me when my husband didn't want to spend our infrequent weekend visits (hubby relocated to be with me...we had been dating long distance prior) being used as IT for family at FIL's bequest anymore. He didn't like me (I'm still convinced that he doesn't, but his tune changed from tolerance to seemingly accepting me after we started to have kids) and I was easy to blame rather than him wanting to accept that his son was telling him no and didn't want to. Years later, he now asks my husband if he wants to make money to help...so he's certainly gotten the message.
I'm actually the go between frequently. 2 of his sisters and his Mom will message me on FB when they have questions or need stuff because he's not reliable (clothing sizes, arranging plans for things related to the kids, needing to know schedules when they are planning trips out here, that sort of thing) and it doesn't bother me because my husband does keep up with his family in a general sense but isn't the one to plan anything, that's my role. It sounds like your husband is the same, unless he's refusing to answer because he is exhausted by his parents' lack of interest in him and his family, but rather than assume, you need to tell your husband that it's his job to deal with his family and tell his family to talk to your husband. It's not your job to be the go between and if you aren't okay with that, only you can change that. If you know you're likely to cave to them, block their numbers (unblock them if they ever have your kids, obviously) so you'll never know they're trying to contact you.
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Over and over and over again.