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Post by mamakoala on Aug 15, 2017 18:39:24 GMT
I accidentally posted this on the NSBR board so am reposting it here. Okay, so tell me if I am alone in this--my dh works all the time. He's either at his office working, or he's on his computer doing research, or he's doing a project in the backyard. The man is a type A personality, tons of energy, always doing something. His "break" is to go for a 10 mile run So I find it VERY hard to escape to my scrap room to craft when he is....not relaxing. When HE'S working, I feel like _I_ should be working--not neccesarily at my office (I'm an acupuncturist, so I have set hours) but certainly I should be cleaning the house, or folding laundry, or re-organizing the kids' closets or sweeping out the garage. I don't feel I can just go to my scrap room and craft when he's being so...industrious. Yes, it's his personality--he likes to work. But I always feel guilty when I am sitting and relaxing (knitting or reading or scrapping) if he isn't doing the same. Which he rarely does! Am I alone here? How do I reconcile this problem? I LIKE to relax--I LOVE doing my crafts. I would never leave my chores or work completely to the side, but there are moments when I say to myself "you know, it's time for a break!" But I feel like I can't do that ETA: He doesn't really have any hobbies besides working out. His work incorporates his passions, so work (most of the time) is something he enjoys. He used to paint, but doesn't do that anymore.
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Aug 15, 2017 18:44:21 GMT
This would have been ok on NSBR.
I think you need to think that what he's doing is "relaxing" to him. Just because he's raking leaves doesn't mean he's not enjoying himself and just because your scrapping doesn't mean you're not accomplishing something important.
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Post by mamakoala on Aug 15, 2017 18:46:50 GMT
This would have been ok on NSBR. I think you need to think that what he's doing is "relaxing" to him. Just because he's raking leaves doesn't mean he's not enjoying himself and just because your scrapping doesn't mean you're not accomplishing something important. Well, he doesn't like working in the garden. But he does it because "it needs to get done".
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 15, 2017 18:53:13 GMT
Mine is currently painting the trim on our house. I am not. We each have our own things we do. Sometimes his weeks are rough, and sometimes mine are. If I made his rough weeks mine too, I'd just be creating more work for me to do. The fact that no one in my house is around for the days prior to help with holiday meals, holiday shopping and wrapping etc. makes me feel fine about it.
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River
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Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Aug 15, 2017 18:55:28 GMT
I have a DH just like you described! It gets so frustrating for me because I also felt like I should be "working". What ended up happening is that DH secretly thought a whole host of things I "should" have been doing instead of scrapbooking. Resentment started brewing and we started fussing.
I no longer scrapbook, but I do things I enjoy to relax and just tell him to either stuff it, or sit down and relax with me.
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Deleted
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May 11, 2024 10:36:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2017 18:57:42 GMT
I find that it's easier to do things like sit and read a book while DH is traveling for work, which is about once per week. He does the same as the OP's DH: makes me feel guilty about relaxing, even if it's for a half-hour. On the other hand, it is also easier to get things done such as painting walls or doing some other home improvement project when he is traveling. So my book-reading is my reward
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Post by pennyscraps on Aug 15, 2017 19:04:04 GMT
No, sorry to say - that problem does not afflict me. LOL. DH works more than half of the weekends in a year, and no way am I working when he does. That's my ME TIME.
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Post by mamakoala on Aug 15, 2017 19:14:15 GMT
I have a DH just like you described! It gets so frustrating for me because I also felt like I should be "working". What ended up happening is that DH secretly thought a whole host of things I "should" have been doing instead of scrapbooking. Resentment started brewing and we started fussing. I no longer scrapbook, but I do things I enjoy to relax and just tell him to either stuff it, or sit down and relax with me. YES! My DH "not so secretly" feels the same way. He feels resentful when I do my craft--not if it's, say, once a week on a saturday after everything is done, but if I do it too much (is there such a thing? ) I like to scrapbook 2-3 times a week at least, and I love knitting (which i do when we watch a movie as a family at night). And he DEFINITELY feels I don't do enough around the house. I definitely don't do as much as him, and I know it upsets him.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 15, 2017 19:17:00 GMT
I work a full time job. I am responsible for the vast majority of the housework, cooking, and the laundry. I have two kids that live with me full time that I parent without their dad. I also have three step kids. I feel not a single ounce of guilt when I get my craft on. I feel like I do enough. Nobody is going to make me feel guilty about my downtime.
How does your husband feel? Does he make you feel like you are slacking in some way? If he doesn't then don't feel any guilt about doing your hobbies. If he does maybe it's time to sit down with him and have a conversation about what he thinks you should be doing that you're not doing and try to come up with a solution.
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Elsabelle
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Post by Elsabelle on Aug 15, 2017 19:50:34 GMT
I used to feel that way. After a while I just...stopped. I stopped feeling guilty about it. I don't need to match my husband's work pace or time spent working or anything really. We're different people. We enjoy our time together and we enjoy our time apart.
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Deleted
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May 11, 2024 10:36:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2017 19:52:33 GMT
I can't scrap when my husband is home at allbut that's because he's like a ticking time bomb. :/
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 15, 2017 19:56:20 GMT
I have a DH just like you described! It gets so frustrating for me because I also felt like I should be "working". What ended up happening is that DH secretly thought a whole host of things I "should" have been doing instead of scrapbooking. Resentment started brewing and we started fussing. I no longer scrapbook, but I do things I enjoy to relax and just tell him to either stuff it, or sit down and relax with me. YES! My DH "not so secretly" feels the same way. He feels resentful when I do my craft--not if it's, say, once a week on a saturday after everything is done, but if I do it too much (is there such a thing? ) I like to scrapbook 2-3 times a week at least, and I love knitting (which i do when we watch a movie as a family at night). And he DEFINITELY feels I don't do enough around the house. I definitely don't do as much as him, and I know it upsets him. I read this after I posted. So if he feels like you aren't doing as much as he is and is resentful of it I think you need a different division of labor. And that's the same advice I would give a pea if the roles were reversed. He might not be the type that relaxes easily. But you also have to do your part around the house so you can indulge in your hobbies guilt free.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 15, 2017 20:00:48 GMT
You deserve some down time, mamakoala . If you don't take care of your own needs, who will? Scrapbooking is like therapy to me. I need it. I assume my DH sometimes feels I could be cleaning or finishing up a project when I am scrapbooking, but he is wise enough to not say it. He's disabled and can't do it, so it's a different dynamic than what you have. I think you should have a heart to heart talk with your DH. Explain you are NOT wired to go 24/7. You NEED the escape of your scraproom on a regular basis. Try to find a compromise. IF he can't see this, then it's on you to not let him make you feel guilty. ETA - I work full time, so there is no way I can ever get everything done I'd like to. I've learned to accept sometimes good enough is ok. If you work full time, that might be another point to bring up.
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Post by dasmith2 on Aug 15, 2017 20:59:31 GMT
I have a DH just like you described! It gets so frustrating for me because I also felt like I should be "working". What ended up happening is that DH secretly thought a whole host of things I "should" have been doing instead of scrapbooking. Resentment started brewing and we started fussing. I no longer scrapbook, but I do things I enjoy to relax and just tell him to either stuff it, or sit down and relax with me. YES! My DH "not so secretly" feels the same way. He feels resentful when I do my craft--not if it's, say, once a week on a saturday after everything is done, but if I do it too much (is there such a thing? ) I like to scrapbook 2-3 times a week at least, and I love knitting (which i do when we watch a movie as a family at night). And he DEFINITELY feels I don't do enough around the house. I definitely don't do as much as him, and I know it upsets him. Maybe tackle some household projects with dh from time to time, and then also make time for your crafting? I'm sure you already do plenty, but maybe this will help him somewhat. I know my fiance' and I go through the same thing, but when we do projects together from time to time, we don't really make a fuss when either one of us wants to take breaks doing our own thing
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Post by mamakoala on Aug 15, 2017 21:16:37 GMT
I can't scrap when my husband is home at allbut that's because he's like a ticking time bomb. :/ ?? I hope you're okay!
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 15, 2017 21:18:17 GMT
I feel guilty going down to my studio by myself when he's home watching tv or doing nothing. He works hard and when he's at home relaxing I feel like we should be spending time together as a family. I feel weird sneaking off by myself to do anything on my own even if I know he's happy doing what he's doing and I would be happy doing something different. If I were to go down to my studio, it wouldn't take long before DD migrated down there too and then DH would be sitting by his lonesome upstairs. What's really weird is that if I plan a weekend to spend time with my scrapping friends it doesn't bother me at all (but usually in that case he'll take off to the lake), but those weekends are few and far between.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 15, 2017 21:25:16 GMT
i am only able to craft when DH is working or away on business. when he is not, we are doing things together. when he is occupied, i am occupied.....with crafting. trust me, he has no problem sitting on the couch watching football when i am doing laundry, cooking dinner, etc. so, i have no problem crafting when he is doing whatever he is doing.
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Post by scrapbookdiva on Aug 15, 2017 23:17:40 GMT
I could have written your post! It has taken me 28 years of marriage to figure out that it's okay if I don't work 24/7 like my dh. This is his way of unwinding and stress relief. It's not mine. I will try to get some tasks done on the weekend while he's working, but eventually I will just tell him that I am done working and want to go play in my scrap room now. I do think it's a balance. Luckily, he never says a word.
Sometimes, I let dh know that "this weekend I want to scrap all day, Saturday." I figure that if I don't tell him what I want, how will he know? And that way, he knows that I don't want to paint the fence and then put in a walkway, so he better pick a different weekend! Lol!
That's not to say that I didn't feel guilty in the early days of our marriage. It's just that I'm over it, now. 😉
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 15, 2017 23:25:51 GMT
Is anybody else reading this and desperately wanting one of these husbands who can't relax? Lol!
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 16, 2017 0:38:42 GMT
Is anybody else reading this and desperately wanting one of these husbands who can't relax? Lol! Mine does just fine with relaxing, but I am still much better at it. He teaches 8-1 twice a week during the college semesters (15 weeks each). I work 20 hours a week and volunteer once a week. Technically I work many more hours, and that isn't even, so it all pans out. I do love that my husband does a bunch of housework though. We were not getting married with his perception of how couples split work. The woman does the inside work and the guy does the outside work. Had to call BS on that!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2017 0:46:22 GMT
Is anybody else reading this and desperately wanting one of these husbands who can't relax? Lol! Lol! Mine can both relax and stay busy but when he's busy he expects me right there next to him. But I SAH so I probably need to not b*tch too much!
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 16, 2017 0:54:54 GMT
I have a DH just like you described! It gets so frustrating for me because I also felt like I should be "working". What ended up happening is that DH secretly thought a whole host of things I "should" have been doing instead of scrapbooking. Resentment started brewing and we started fussing. My DH "not so secretly" feels the same way. He feels resentful when I do my craft--not if it's, say, once a week on a saturday after everything is done, but if I do it too much (is there such a thing? ) I like to scrapbook 2-3 times a week at least, and I love knitting (which i do when we watch a movie as a family at night). And he DEFINITELY feels I don't do enough around the house. I definitely don't do as much as him, and I know it upsets him. (((hugs))) to both of you. This thread makes me glad that I'm divorced and have no one to answer to when I scrapbook and leave the laundry for another day.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 16, 2017 12:20:37 GMT
I feel guilty going down to my studio by myself when he's home watching tv or doing nothing. He works hard and when he's at home relaxing I feel like we should be spending time together as a family. I feel weird sneaking off by myself to do anything on my own even if I know he's happy doing what he's doing and I would be happy doing something different. If I were to go down to my studio, it wouldn't take long before DD migrated down there too and then DH would be sitting by his lonesome upstairs. What's really weird is that if I plan a weekend to spend time with my scrapping friends it doesn't bother me at all (but usually in that case he'll take off to the lake), but those weekends are few and far between. I've begged DH to come hang out while I scrapbook once in a while, but he has no interest. Since I scrap at one end of the LR, there is a nice couch and TV for him. I feel bad he's alone all day, while I am at work, but obviously he's ok with it.
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christinec68
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Jun 26, 2014 18:02:19 GMT
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Post by christinec68 on Aug 16, 2017 12:37:12 GMT
Is anybody else reading this and desperately wanting one of these husbands who can't relax? Lol! Yes, my husband excels at napping and watching crappy TV. ha!! In all fairness, there's certain things he can't do because of a back injury/surgeries so I get that he can't do much or keep up. I generally don't mind but sometimes I am tired too.
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Post by LisaDV on Aug 17, 2017 19:01:39 GMT
Is anybody else reading this and desperately wanting one of these husbands who can't relax? Lol! ...I think that could be a mixed blessing. My dh seems to be more like these types as soon as it's nice enough to be outside until it's not nice enough to be out. In the winter, he's a slug. I'd prefer a happy medium. As to OP when dh is away for work, if I can work in craft time, I do and without any guilt. Of course, I also find I need to do my major house cleaning while he's gone, otherwise he's in my way.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 21:38:00 GMT
You aren't alone, although I don't get much guilt from my DH. His "fun" time is working on projects or getting chores done. The only TV he watches is at 3 a.m. while he drinks his cup of coffee before work or when we go to bed (and he falls asleep right away) otherwise he is always doing something! My fun time is scrapping. He is often doing projects that I could be helping with, but he rarely asks or expects me to. Kid stuff is always first priority and our family eats together almost every night.
There are times that if we have a big project that we have to tackle together, he will make a point of asking when I'm going to be available for that. Usually we will carve out time to work on it together and then he goes back to his stuff and I go back to scrapping.
Occasionally I do feel guilty if its a nice day and I've been scrapping in my PJ's since I got up. He would likely tease me about that and really, I know when I've had enough time for myself. I get a lot of scrapping time these day since my kids are older and have fewer activities but I also have a long list of other things I want to get done and I sometimes need to get better about getting to them (or just let them go!). I'm likely to make myself feel guilty before he would.
If he isn't make you feel guilty, I say let it go and do your own thing! And I don't see why you should need to compare how active and sedentary you are in your free time. I would never judge anyone for reading in their free time (well except my mom who reads all.the.time in bed with a snack).
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Post by samncam on Aug 17, 2017 21:46:40 GMT
I feel guilty scrapping mostly when the kids are home and/or DH has free time, and sometimes when I know I should be doing housework. As a result, I usually do it at night after everyone has gone to bed. If I get a strong crafty itch to do something in the daytime, i will print photos from my iPad while the family is watchng tv or make a card that we will need for an upcoming birthday, etc, so that its more excusable. But my DH likes to goof off and be unproductive more than I do so i dont have that problem much...i also like to think of scrapbooking as a stress reliever and a way to strengthen my creativity, which has helped me in other parts of life. I am able to think more outside the box to solve problems in lots of NSBR ways. Yesterday, we were at a wedding rehearsal where my DD2 is a flower girl but the handle of the bouquet of flowers had wires sticking out that could poke my daughter. So I wrapped a facial tissue around it all and was going to use a hair tie to keep the tissue attached (I found a roll of washi so i used that instead). So that was one little problem i could solve on the spot by being a little creative with what limited resources i had available to me...i feel like a new age crafty MacGyver sometimes I hope you can explain that its important to your mental wellbeing and that he will understand that. ezinearticles.com/?Mental-Health-Benefits-of-Scrapbooking&id=6940719
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FurryP
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Post by FurryP on Aug 17, 2017 22:52:34 GMT
My DH is a "can't sit still" kind of person. I don't mind. He does what we wants to do, and I do what I want to do. He calms down in the evening.
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 18, 2017 20:15:33 GMT
Want my honest truth? I conceptualize my scrapbooking as working. My husband loves to cook; it's a chore that he does for our family, absolutely, but it is also a hobby for him. I think of scrapbooking as something I do for my family that I love doing also.
Now, I get all the ways in which there are differences, but I think framing it that way for yourself could be helpful.
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