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Post by redayh on Aug 28, 2014 23:57:16 GMT
I hate that these idiots were too stupid to recognize the good things they had and were too selfish to care about the consequences of their behavior.
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Post by melanell on Aug 29, 2014 0:02:36 GMT
Hugs OP. I would hate every one of those things as well.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 29, 2014 0:06:46 GMT
I hate that he made you feel less than.
Hugs and hoping for wonderful things ahead!
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Post by kelly316 on Aug 29, 2014 0:09:48 GMT
That made me cry. I'm sorry you have to endure this pain. I can relate. Although it was my choice to divorce, it was his choice to become a different person than the man I married. I feel your pain.
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Post by penny on Aug 29, 2014 0:27:53 GMT
I just want to say that whenever a couple breaks up or divorces, I never see that 'you' weren't good enough or that 'you' were foolish for all you invested... I know my opinion doesn't change how it feels, but don't feel embarrassed in front of 'us' - friends, acquaintances, or strangers... Life, especially love, is a risk... You were brave and put your all into it... A lot of 'us' actually admire and look up to you for that... It's probably a bit of the grass always being greener, and I'm sorry for the pain you and your children go through... But please don't feel less than or embarrassed... Whether you feel it or not, people are looking at how brave and strong you live your life... I wish you all could see all the amazing things we see - the things that you feel insecure about are the things we look at and go, "wow - look at how tough, tenacious, hardworking, determined, beautiful, and caring she is"...
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Post by traceys on Aug 29, 2014 0:37:45 GMT
I read this a bit ago, and wasn't sure how to respond.....the original post (and subsequent additions) are everything that I have felt for so long. And everything I have tried to keep from feeling. I keep asking myself when it's going to be over. But I am so grateful for this thread because maybe now I can tell myself that it's OK that I still feel these things. (((((HUGS))))) to all my "sisters" out there.
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bomo
Full Member
Posts: 150
Jun 26, 2014 15:54:49 GMT
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Post by bomo on Aug 29, 2014 0:39:38 GMT
Warm hugs to all who are hurting.
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Post by moretimeplease on Aug 29, 2014 0:55:32 GMT
I'm super angry FOR you. I'm sorry he changed into such a jerk!
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Post by Really Red on Aug 29, 2014 0:56:40 GMT
I hate that most of all.
I also hate that I always have to be the Bad Guy now. But mostly and always, I hate that my kids had to suffer because he couldn't put them over himself.
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Post by roundtwo on Aug 29, 2014 1:00:14 GMT
As sad as this sounds, I'm glad you posted this, LavenderLayoutLady. I woke up this morning with a lot of the same thoughts in my head - sadly it happens a lot - but I don't have anyone to share these thoughts with in real life. I have wonderful friends who will listen to me but it's been almost 5 years now and I think I have whined enough to them (they have not said that but I feel like it) and in any case, they don't really understand what I'm really saying as they have been lucky enough not to experience this special kind of hell.
Another thing I hate - I am having trouble understanding a real relationship, one that isn't built on a house of lies. Funny enough, I trust SO completely, even after living through years of infidelity and lie upon lie but what I can't understand is that he wants to be with me, wants to do nice things for me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The ex claimed all that too but obviously his actions and words didn't match. I know SO is not the ex but after more than 26 years with a man that had me fooled for most of those years, I'm still a little screwed up and insecure and unsure of my ability to read people.
Anyway, sorry to hijack.
And I am even more sorry that there are so many of us that are dealing with this.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Aug 29, 2014 1:08:57 GMT
Just offering you a *hug* I'm sorry.
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Post by ilikepink on Aug 29, 2014 1:19:52 GMT
I agree with all that has been said. It rips apart all you once believed in. I'll add: I hate that for weeks you sat watching tv with me while I scrapped our wedding album and you were seeing her and knew you were going to leave. (And when I called him out on that he said "the album was nice". Yay.
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Post by SallyPA on Aug 29, 2014 1:24:28 GMT
Hugs to you! I know how hard it is.
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Post by craftsbycarolyn on Aug 29, 2014 1:32:57 GMT
I hate that he made you feel less than. Hugs and hoping for wonderful things ahead! Yeah^^^this! Sorry....
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Post by molove on Aug 29, 2014 1:32:59 GMT
OP- I'm so sorry. That came straight from your broken heart. Everything you said is true. Everything you said is also what's going to get you through to the other side of peace and forgiveness. You're naming it, in great detail. Surround yourself with love and support. You're gonna be OK, promise. Maybe not right now, but soon enough. Allow yourself to heal and you will.
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Post by brookeq on Aug 29, 2014 1:37:13 GMT
Ugh. It hurts me to just read that. I cant imagine. Hugs
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Post by PEArfect on Aug 29, 2014 1:42:09 GMT
I'm sorry. Hopefully your children still have a good relationship with him.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Aug 29, 2014 1:54:40 GMT
I remember my first Christmas after divorce. I felt cheated, as if all the time I'd put into the marriage, all the Christmases we'd celebrated together with our children, everything had been taken away. (I left him for serial infidelity.) Nothing felt real anymore, and I just seemed to be floating without roots. That was 12 years ago. I have learned that the fact that it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't real for the time that it lasted. The fact that he couldn't be faithful doesn't mean I wasn't worth being faithful to. And that although it didn't last forever, that period of time will forever be a precious part of the fabric that is my life, and I won't let anything he did take that away from me.Edited to add: You are SO enough. It's him who isn't. Don't ever let yourself feel any differently. These are wise words. I hope those of you who are in pain right will write them on your heart. My hugs to all of you.
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Post by hollymolly on Aug 29, 2014 2:02:29 GMT
Been there, every bit of it. I lost my love for scrapbooking after the first time he left me. It just made me sick to think about it. I tried to go back to it a couple of years after he came back, but when he left again, I was done with preserving memories.
In the year following the divorce, I heard that so much from every single person who loves me. But you know what? I didn't want to be better off. I wanted to be married to my husband for the rest of my life. I knew they were right, and 4 1/2 years later I've proved it to be true. I have an amazing life, and I wouldn't have any of it if we were still married. But this was not the life I would have chosen in April of 2010.
I hate that he took away my future. I hate that he took away the life I had and wanted to keep. I hate that I didn't get a say in any of it.
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Post by megop on Aug 29, 2014 2:11:16 GMT
How far are you out of what I refer to, the day the earth stood still? I so, so hear you in your words. I really do. Shared many of them, and at 3.5 years out, sometimes, but only sometimes, do these sorts of thoughts resurrect. I would like to offer my personal reflective comments as they stand now within so many of the shared sentiments, I too, thought and felt, to your current statements. This is not to discount them by any, any stretch. If one thing I have learned over this journey, is that you must allow yourself to grieve. To hurt. To express. And all of it is healthy and correct, and most certainly not weak, but human. Allow yourself to be human and take the time YOU need. In my experience it cannot be rushed. We each heal in our own time. I just want you to know, it can, and does, get better. I hate that you changed your mind as to how long "forever" would be. I now know, that when you made this commitment, you did so to the best of your ability at the time. It was a good two plus decades. I also now know, that some of the non-loyal qualities you displayed towards other family members, is indicative of the level that you ultimately value, or are willing to sacrifice in the name of "family" over your own needs. I hate that our kids had to go through it. I now know, that even the pull of deep and intrinsic love and obligation to children, was not enough, for you to be able to overcome other, more personally important to you, wants and needs.I hate that you didn't mean all the promises, including the wedding vows. I now know, that you meant them when you said them, but you didn't have the modeling, depth and breadth of character and/or braveness, to know and/or see, that seasons of periodic relational hardship, is just that. A season. And it sometimes can be a long one. But just as there are those seasons, good will come around if you would have chosen to hang in. I hate that your change of mind caused my entire life to change. I now know, that your change of mind had little to do with me, but that you were following some sort of life path that you thought you were supposed to, and that, in and of itself, would make you happy. I also know, that you had a partner, that supported what you communicated that life path to be and despite best efforts, lack of communication skills, self-knowledge and comfort in sharing any sort of vulnerable nature are your issues. Issues too great, for me to fix. Because of this, you made decisions thinking for yourself. While you may still want to believe that this is somehow "my loss," I've come to know, that it was I who was in a one-sided relationship who put family first. I'm proud of that. And no life or economic change and/or hardship, can take that away from me, or the modeling I did, of character and loyalty for family I displayed for my children. I know and value what is ultimately important in life. I now mourn for you, that at this point, you do not, but am confident, along the journey, it will revisit your conscience. At least I hope so, for your sake as well as the children's.I hate that I wasn't special enough to stick around with. Through thick and thin, I never walked away from you. I now know that no one, would have been special enough, for the changed vision you adopted later in life. There were obligations we both created to be done and continued. I did and do them. You made the choice not to. Your choice. I'm proud of my character and fortitude.I hate all the scrapbook pages that sing your praises, that say "Love You Forever," that show us happy. I now know that I cannot discount 20 plus years of very happy memories captured. What transpired at the end, does not discount the shared joys and experiences that brought laughter, sadness, tradition, joy, failures and successes over years. All of it, is called life. And it is my life. It is my children's life. These are our memories and yes, even though toward the end you had a revisionist memory of two decades, either your nuts, or just that lost. Interestingly, the children and I have a great time reliving them when we look at the scrapbooks I created. I find it sad, that you don't have that experience now. But's that me, and you are you. I hate that we worked so hard to build something, just for you to tear it down. I know now, that because of my character, fortitude and loyalty, that I can and will meaningfully build again, and that while that ultimate building may be different than what my vision was, it feels good that it is wholly mine. I hate the loss of control I had in the situation. I hate that it didn't matter to you that I had devoted my life to "our" life. I now know, that this is who I am, and who I want to be, within a family unit. And while angry at first, I hold my head much, much higher knowing I did the right thing by my vows, by my children and by my morals. No one, can ever take that away from me, and I'm proud of it.I hate that I cried and you didn't. I now know, that your emotional detachment from not only me, but your family and children, is deeply rooted. What I historically took as male strength, was actually, a lack of true attachment. As this experience unfolded, it became more and more clear. And with your further life experiences, happening over and over again. Were you always this way? I can't answer that, but that is who you have become. Personally, I'm glad I have emotional attachment to those I care about.I hate the embarrassment I feel when I am asked what went wrong, and the only truthful answer is to say that you didn't feel that I was pretty enough/good enough/ the person you wanted. (And I hate that I lie to all but the closest to me, and tell them "We grew apart, when really, only you wanted to be apart). I now know that many, many words were expressed by you during split. And that most of the statements made, you don't even remember. You said anything and everything to justify the action of exiting, because it really wasn't just me you didn't want, you didn't want the whole package of life/family obligations you helped and agreed to over the years. I was not the driving force in these decisions. Your family followed you. It is ultimately your lack of life plan that made and is still, making you unhappy. And I will not be embarrassed, by telling the truth. This far out, it's pretty evident what the truth is by all who know us.I hate that you put a taint on all the happy memories of such a long part of my life by turning around and saying that those times didn't mean the same to you that they did to me. I now know, that persons who are lost, cannot accept their own responsibilities and participation, in what got them there.I hate that I am considered your mistake. I now know, what I know.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Aug 29, 2014 2:24:16 GMT
I could've written many of the same things that you wrote.
I would add that I hate that I will never know what it feels like to be cherished in a relationship. My ex was very selfish. I gave and gave and he took and took. Foolishly, I thought I was compromising. I thought that was what marriage was all about. I didn't realize that I should have been getting something, too.
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Post by Pahina722 on Aug 29, 2014 2:27:59 GMT
Another thing I hate - I am having trouble understanding a real relationship, one that isn't built on a house of lies. Funny enough, I trust SO completely, even after living through years of infidelity and lie upon lie but what I can't understand is that he wants to be with me, wants to do nice things for me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The ex claimed all that too but obviously his actions and words didn't match. I know SO is not the ex but after more than 26 years with a man that had me fooled for most of those years, I'm still a little screwed up and insecure and unsure of my ability to read people.
Although I don't feel this way any more, I know exactly what y'all are saying because ^^^^ this is exactly what I felt like for the first two or three years that DH and I were together. I hated how badly Ex screwed up my trust in my own instincts. I hate that he made me feel like a failure, and I hate even more that I let him make me feel less than. On the other hand, my life now is so much MORE than it ever was with the ex, and his is so much worse than ours was. I love karma.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 11, 2024 6:21:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 3:10:47 GMT
Perfectly said Tamhugh!
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Post by traceys on Aug 29, 2014 3:21:34 GMT
Another thing I hate - I am having trouble understanding a real relationship, one that isn't built on a house of lies. Funny enough, I trust SO completely, even after living through years of infidelity and lie upon lie but what I can't understand is that he wants to be with me, wants to do nice things for me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The ex claimed all that too but obviously his actions and words didn't match. I know SO is not the ex but after more than 26 years with a man that had me fooled for most of those years, I'm still a little screwed up and insecure and unsure of my ability to read people.
Although I don't feel this way any more, I know exactly what y'all are saying because ^^^^ this is exactly what I felt like for the first two or three years that DH and I were together. I hated how badly Ex screwed up my trust in my own instincts. I hate that he made me feel like a failure, and I hate even more that I let him make me feel less than. On the other hand, my life now is so much MORE than it ever was with the ex, and his is so much worse than ours was. I love karma. I am so, so there with the two of you. When I married XH I didn't really believe in forever. I thought you just sort of took whatever time you could get, but that the time would come when I would do something to piss him off and we would just get divorced. It probably took me five years with him to stop thinking that every disagreement meant that he was leaving. I finally learned to trust him, and to believe that I could feel secure in our commitment. Then, after two decades, he pulls the rug out from under me. Not a word of dissatisfaction, no arguments, nothing. Just lies on top of lies until the day he was out the door. It it really makes me wonder, if I was so wrong about him, how can I ever trust my judgement again? I know there are good men out there. But I have no faith in my ability to identify them.
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Post by Debbie on Aug 29, 2014 3:30:48 GMT
I hurt for you just reading that. I wish you well.
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Post by AussieMeg on Aug 29, 2014 3:51:31 GMT
I hate that you put a taint on all the happy memories of such a long part of my life by turning around and saying that those times didn't mean the same to you that they did to me. I hate that I am considered your mistake. This one really jumped out at me. I don't know what it is about men when they leave their wives, and they say things like this. It's just not true. The good times and happy memories WERE just as important to him at the time as they were to you. Why do men want to hurt women even more by saying things like this? When my friend's husband left her for the next door neighbour, he had the nerve to tell her that he never really loved her. This was the biggest lie, because I was there in the early days, he absolutely worshipped the ground she walked on, and loved her so damn much. I could never understand why he wanted to hurt her even more by saying he never loved her when he clearly did. Is it to make him feel less guilty somehow??? I am sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. I hope you are able to find true happiness again. (((Hugs)))
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Post by Zee on Aug 29, 2014 4:21:44 GMT
I agree with all that has been said. It rips apart all you once believed in. I'll add: I hate that for weeks you sat watching tv with me while I scrapped our wedding album and you were seeing her and knew you were going to leave. (And when I called him out on that he said "the album was nice". Yay. When I read this I honestly laughed out loud because jesus, what a fuckface. You're obviously much better off without that douche. Here's to better things to come! I think I'd shove that album up his bum sideways. And to the OP, hate him good and hard, sister, but don't let him make you feel less than strong, or powerful, or content with life now. You're captain of your own ship and he has no power over you unless you give it to him.
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Sue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,240
Location: SE of Portland, Oregon
Jun 26, 2014 18:42:33 GMT
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Post by Sue on Aug 29, 2014 5:55:06 GMT
I've never been divorced but the pain I feel coming from your posts cuts right to my heart. I wish you all peace, strength, and futures of abiding love.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 29, 2014 6:05:11 GMT
Your sadness is palpable. I'm so sorry for the way you've been hurt. I wish all of you who have posted in this thread continued healing and a post-divorce life that is infinitely better than your married lives. Sending out huge hugs to all of our divorced Refupeas.
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billstergirl
Full Member
Posts: 194
Jun 27, 2014 20:50:26 GMT
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Post by billstergirl on Aug 29, 2014 7:11:30 GMT
LavenderlayoutLady and Lozi it's like you were both in my head lately. I could have written what each of you posted.
I hate that as we took our youngest to college last weekend all I could think about is the years that you took from me by constantly bad mouthing me to our son.
I hate that I missed out on the day to day raising of our son. While you reveled in the praise from those clueless people who sang your praises of raising him "all alone," he was basically on auto pilot doing everything for himself and calling me for food and other basic needs.
I hate that when we separated I hoped that you would pull your head out of your butt and instead it went further. Now our kids are getting older and seeing what I have known for years and I hate knowing how disappointed they are in you.
But what I hate the most right now is that now I am In a relationship with a wonderful, amazing man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated, I feel guilty. I feel like I am betraying my kids for loving someone the way I should love their dad. But I try to remember that their dad never treated me this way. Maybe if he did we would still be married....
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