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Post by DinCA on Aug 29, 2014 7:30:19 GMT
I hate that you put a taint on all the happy memories of such a long part of my life by turning around and saying that those times didn't mean the same to you that they did to me. I hate that I am considered your mistake. This one really jumped out at me. I don't know what it is about men when they leave their wives, and they say things like this. It's just not true. The good times and happy memories WERE just as important to him at the time as they were to you. Why do men want to hurt women even more by saying things like this? Guilt, denial and justification. One thing it never is, is "his fault". I'm so sorry for the pain so many of you feel. Hugs.
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Post by gar on Aug 29, 2014 8:11:47 GMT
Gosh your pain is hard to read It's real and raw and made me 'feel' the pain of a divorce with real understanding for the first time, cutting through to the reality. I'm sorry you, and others in the same boat, have to go through that......you can surely be nothing but stronger when you reach the light at the end of your tunnel ((hugs))
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michellegb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,918
Location: New England and loving it!
Jun 26, 2014 0:04:59 GMT
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Post by michellegb on Aug 29, 2014 10:13:42 GMT
Sending big hugs... I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Aug 29, 2014 10:32:11 GMT
How far are you out of what I refer to, the day the earth stood still? I so, so hear you in your words. I really do. Shared many of them, and at 3.5 years out, sometimes, but only sometimes, do these sorts of thoughts resurrect. I would like to offer my personal reflective comments as they stand now within so many of the shared sentiments, I too, thought and felt, to your current statements. This is not to discount them by any, any stretch. If one thing I have learned over this journey, is that you must allow yourself to grieve. To hurt. To express. And all of it is healthy and correct, and most certainly not weak, but human. Allow yourself to be human and take the time YOU need. In my experience it cannot be rushed. We each heal in our own time. I just want you to know, it can, and does, get better. I hate that you changed your mind as to how long "forever" would be. I now know, that when you made this commitment, you did so to the best of your ability at the time. It was a good two plus decades. I also now know, that some of the non-loyal qualities you displayed towards other family members, is indicative of the level that you ultimately value, or are willing to sacrifice in the name of "family" over your own needs. I hate that our kids had to go through it. I now know, that even the pull of deep and intrinsic love and obligation to children, was not enough, for you to be able to overcome other, more personally important to you, wants and needs.I hate that you didn't mean all the promises, including the wedding vows. I now know, that you meant them when you said them, but you didn't have the modeling, depth and breadth of character and/or braveness, to know and/or see, that seasons of periodic relational hardship, is just that. A season. And it sometimes can be a long one. But just as there are those seasons, good will come around if you would have chosen to hang in. I hate that your change of mind caused my entire life to change. I now know, that your change of mind had little to do with me, but that you were following some sort of life path that you thought you were supposed to, and that, in and of itself, would make you happy. I also know, that you had a partner, that supported what you communicated that life path to be and despite best efforts, lack of communication skills, self-knowledge and comfort in sharing any sort of vulnerable nature are your issues. Issues too great, for me to fix. Because of this, you made decisions thinking for yourself. While you may still want to believe that this is somehow "my loss," I've come to know, that it was I who was in a one-sided relationship who put family first. I'm proud of that. And no life or economic change and/or hardship, can take that away from me, or the modeling I did, of character and loyalty for family I displayed for my children. I know and value what is ultimately important in life. I now mourn for you, that at this point, you do not, but am confident, along the journey, it will revisit your conscience. At least I hope so, for your sake as well as the children's.I hate that I wasn't special enough to stick around with. Through thick and thin, I never walked away from you. I now know that no one, would have been special enough, for the changed vision you adopted later in life. There were obligations we both created to be done and continued. I did and do them. You made the choice not to. Your choice. I'm proud of my character and fortitude.I hate all the scrapbook pages that sing your praises, that say "Love You Forever," that show us happy. I now know that I cannot discount 20 plus years of very happy memories captured. What transpired at the end, does not discount the shared joys and experiences that brought laughter, sadness, tradition, joy, failures and successes over years. All of it, is called life. And it is my life. It is my children's life. These are our memories and yes, even though toward the end you had a revisionist memory of two decades, either your nuts, or just that lost. Interestingly, the children and I have a great time reliving them when we look at the scrapbooks I created. I find it sad, that you don't have that experience now. But's that me, and you are you. I hate that we worked so hard to build something, just for you to tear it down. I know now, that because of my character, fortitude and loyalty, that I can and will meaningfully build again, and that while that ultimate building may be different than what my vision was, it feels good that it is wholly mine. I hate the loss of control I had in the situation. I hate that it didn't matter to you that I had devoted my life to "our" life. I now know, that this is who I am, and who I want to be, within a family unit. And while angry at first, I hold my head much, much higher knowing I did the right thing by my vows, by my children and by my morals. No one, can ever take that away from me, and I'm proud of it.I hate that I cried and you didn't. I now know, that your emotional detachment from not only me, but your family and children, is deeply rooted. What I historically took as male strength, was actually, a lack of true attachment. As this experience unfolded, it became more and more clear. And with your further life experiences, happening over and over again. Were you always this way? I can't answer that, but that is who you have become. Personally, I'm glad I have emotional attachment to those I care about.I hate the embarrassment I feel when I am asked what went wrong, and the only truthful answer is to say that you didn't feel that I was pretty enough/good enough/ the person you wanted. (And I hate that I lie to all but the closest to me, and tell them "We grew apart, when really, only you wanted to be apart). I now know that many, many words were expressed by you during split. And that most of the statements made, you don't even remember. You said anything and everything to justify the action of exiting, because it really wasn't just me you didn't want, you didn't want the whole package of life/family obligations you helped and agreed to over the years. I was not the driving force in these decisions. Your family followed you. It is ultimately your lack of life plan that made and is still, making you unhappy. And I will not be embarrassed, by telling the truth. This far out, it's pretty evident what the truth is by all who know us.I hate that you put a taint on all the happy memories of such a long part of my life by turning around and saying that those times didn't mean the same to you that they did to me. I now know, that persons who are lost, cannot accept their own responsibilities and participation, in what got them there.I hate that I am considered your mistake. I now know, what I know.Awesomely appropriate and so very much appreciated today!
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Post by I-95 on Aug 29, 2014 10:33:56 GMT
I'm so sorry. I'm sure most people go through the same set of emotions when they are not the instigator of the divorce. Let's face it, divorce sucks, under any circumstance and I hope time will heal your heart {{{BIG HUGS}}}
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Post by pmm on Aug 29, 2014 11:07:19 GMT
I can relate to so many of the "I hate" statements. I'm going to add a few.
I hate that you lied to our children about me not being faithful when it was you seeing someone else. I hate that you never see our daughter except for the occasional holiday or special occasion since I left you. I hate that when our then 13 yr old son asked you to go to counseling for his birthday gift to fix our marriage that you "thought and thought about it" and you told him "your mom's a liar about wanting to go to counseling and now I'm the bad guy because I have to tell you no".
I'm sure I could add a couple more but this is what's jumping to the top of my brain.
I've been single for 6 years now. I am glad that I don't have my "I hate" days as often as I did the first few years. I know that what I had and what I wanted from my marriage would have never been the same. I know that I am in a better place. But damn it's hard some days!
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,562
Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Aug 29, 2014 13:09:41 GMT
I hate the embarrassment I feel when I am asked what went wrong, and the only truthful answer is to say that you didn't feel that I was pretty enough/good enough/ the person you wanted. (And I hate that I lie to all but the closest to me, and tell them "We grew apart, when really, only you wanted to be apart).
I am so sorry for your situation. I did want to say that I think it is incredibly rude for someone (friend or family) to ask "what went wrong".
Personally, my answer would have been (long pause accompanied with an 'I can't believe you just asked me that' look)
...then...
"You need to ask Bob (or whatever the name) that question."
and then silence...
crickets....
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 11, 2024 6:16:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 13:26:00 GMT
I just want to say that whenever a couple breaks up or divorces, I never see that 'you' weren't good enough or that 'you' were foolish for all you invested... I know my opinion doesn't change how it feels, but don't feel embarrassed in front of 'us' - friends, acquaintances, or strangers... Life, especially love, is a risk... You were brave and put your all into it... A lot of 'us' actually admire and look up to you for that... It's probably a bit of the grass always being greener, and I'm sorry for the pain you and your children go through... But please don't feel less than or embarrassed... Whether you feel it or not, people are looking at how brave and strong you live your life... I wish you all could see all the amazing things we see - the things that you feel insecure about are the things we look at and go, "wow - look at how tough, tenacious, hardworking, determined, beautiful, and caring she is"... Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Thank you so much for writing that. I don't know how everyone else feels but I was always the embarrassed one when in fact he should have been. That made me
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 29, 2014 14:54:26 GMT
I hate that the children and i did not have the family life I had dreamed of. I hate that you are in complete denial about your behaviour I hate what you did to me I hate what the children suffered I hate that I am not able to look at photos of the children as babies/youngsters without being completely broken and my heart bleeds I hate that I did not get to mother my children I hate that I allowed someone to hurt me so much and completely break my heart and spirit I hate that I do not have the relationship I should have with my children I hate the overwhelming guilt I carry that my children did not get to experience a happy family life I hate that I stayed so long trying to make it work I hate that I did not tell anyone what was going on I hate that this/you made me so ill, I struggled to survive I hate that I can never get that time back I hate that my children do not know what a healthy relationship looks like I hate that I could not send Christmas cards - I could write our names at the bottom, I have not sent a Xmas card since (((hugs)))
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 29, 2014 15:01:13 GMT
I could have written everything you have. And I'll add some of my own. I hate that I would have never left you but that wasn't enough I hate that all the things that we shared a love for now seem tainted and I don't enjoy them anymoreI hate that you try to be Mr Nice Guy when inside you are an asshole I hate that that you only see the kids every other weekend and then want everyone to say you are a great dad I hate that you left me with all responsibility for the kids and the house so you could be free and single againI hate that you made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I was too good for you. That felt good! Thanks for starting this thread! I share those "hates" too! There are entire series of shows that I can't watch anymore because it just reminds me of when he & I would stay up late watching, and I'd go bake us a treat like brownies, and after every episode we'd both look at the clock and say, "We really should go to bed now," only to promise to after 'one more show.' And I really resent that he is living the "fun, single" days again. He doesn't have to think about school schedules, or dental appointments, or doctor well check visits, or if their shoes fit, or if they have a Halloween costume. It seems so disproportionate that pretty much every second of my day needs to be planned around my children, whereas he only thinks of himself. (But I would never want to switch places, and not have my children nearly every day with me) (((hugs))) to you.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 29, 2014 15:03:38 GMT
I read this a bit ago, and wasn't sure how to respond.....the original post (and subsequent additions) are everything that I have felt for so long. And everything I have tried to keep from feeling. I keep asking myself when it's going to be over. But I am so grateful for this thread because maybe now I can tell myself that it's OK that I still feel these things. (((((HUGS))))) to all my "sisters" out there. (((hugs))) right back at ya!
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 29, 2014 15:05:26 GMT
I agree with all that has been said. It rips apart all you once believed in. I'll add: I hate that for weeks you sat watching tv with me while I scrapped our wedding album and you were seeing her and knew you were going to leave. (And when I called him out on that he said "the album was nice". Yay. Ouch. (((hugs))) I never did scrap our wedding. I always figured that I had my whole life to do it and I had wanted it to be perfect, so I never started it.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 29, 2014 15:52:32 GMT
Even though I am the one who left my ex, I can relate to much of what you wrote because he checked out of the marriage years before I actually left him. He chose beer instead of me. And I was lonely and unloved for such a long time that I still feel insecure. My new DH loves me, he tells me and shows me constantly and sometimes I feel bad that I require so much attention and affection because the fact is, I am still feeling unlovable at times.
Just know that you are not alone in your feelings. Many of us have gone through similar things. ((hugs))
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The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,353
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Aug 29, 2014 17:37:14 GMT
My heart ached for you as I read your list. I am so sorry that you are going through this.
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Lozi
Shy Member
Posts: 36
Jun 27, 2014 10:20:51 GMT
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Post by Lozi on Aug 30, 2014 0:20:33 GMT
Hi LavenderLady,
Hugs to you too!!
Hope you don't think I hijacked your thread! But all your points so resonated with me.
What I want to let you know is that it will get better, please try to remember that. It is very much like grief, it doesn't go away but you learn to live with it. The pain is still there but you focus on it less and less as time moves forward.
Its not what or how we both wanted it to be but one day you will be happier than you have ever been.
I cannot change my past but I am so happy now, I have the most wonderful husband now and have experienced real love and respect. I am strong and will never let anyone treat me badly again. I do feel guilty for being happy now but I know that my guilt is not rational and that the guilt serves absolutely no purpose so I work on that.
Its hard for me to write but I am allowed to be happy. You are worthy and you deserve to be happy too.
Best wishes and hugs to all those peas who have been through this.
Lozi x
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Post by ilikepink on Aug 30, 2014 4:52:43 GMT
Life goes on and it does get better. But the dream, the vision, the plans you (together and separately) had are crruly ripped from you. That takes a piece of who you are and changes you. You ca. Do Plan B and C but Plan A is in the back of your mind somewhere
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