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Post by KelleeM on Sept 2, 2017 11:23:47 GMT
I am so happy to know where my ancestors came from! My results dispelled some long standing information passed along as truth. I suspect my maternal grandfather thought he was being funny when he told his children, who subsequently told their children, that he was half American Indian. There is no American Indian in my DNA. According to my results I'm 71% what I knew was a predominate part of one grandfather...obviously it was in other lines as well. I found the whole thing fascinating and am really happy I had it done.
My WWYD...I've been contacted by someone on the Ancestry site who very strongly believed prior to seeing my results and now knows with a high degree of certainty that her husband's grandmother, who was given up at birth for adoption, was the daughter of either my paternal grandmother or my great aunt. She's really into this stuff (has a family tree with over 4200 people on it 😲). My Dad, at 87 years old, is the oldest surviving member of his family. I'm rather doubtful he would know anything about a baby being given up for adoption before he was born. My husband doesn't want me to ask him. I don't think that there's any harm in asking. Would you ask?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 10, 2024 9:56:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2017 11:28:31 GMT
I am so happy to know where my ancestors came from! My results dispelled some long standing information passed along as truth. I suspect my maternal grandfather thought he was being funny when he told his children, who subsequently told their children, that he was half American Indian. There is no American Indian in my DNA. According to my results I'm 71% what I knew was a predominate part of one grandfather...obviously it was in other lines as well. I found the whole thing fascinating and am really happy I had it done. My WWYD...I've been contacted by someone on the Ancestry site who very strongly believed prior to seeing my results and now knows with a high degree of certainty that her husband's grandmother, who was given up at birth for adoption, was the daughter of either my paternal grandmother or my great aunt. She's really into this stuff (has a family tree with over 4200 people on it 😲). My Dad, at 87 years old, is the oldest surviving member of his family. I'm rather doubtful he would know anything about a baby being given up for adoption before he was born. My husband doesn't want me to ask him. I don't think that there's any harm in asking. Would you ask? THis is stuff my sister and I discussed being possible before we took the dna tests. I would not ask. Like you said, it is unlikely he knows anything about an adoption of a baby born before him and even if he did what he knew would be very little... to what end to ask about a person he didn't live/grow up with? eta: what is this person looking for?
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Sept 2, 2017 11:37:23 GMT
My Dad, at 87 years old, is the oldest surviving member of his family. I'm rather doubtful he would know anything about a baby being given up for adoption before he was born. My husband doesn't want me to ask him. I don't think that there's any harm in asking. Would you ask? Truthfully, no, I wouldn't. Why risk the possibility of upsetting your 87 yr old father for the sake of someone you really do not know.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
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Post by scrappington on Sept 2, 2017 11:37:31 GMT
Stuff like that wasn't discussed at all. He probably had never heard about it. But if you think you could ask your dad why not. Is he interested in this stuff at all?
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Post by KelleeM on Sept 2, 2017 11:50:52 GMT
THis is stuff my sister and I discussed being possible before we took the dna tests. I would not ask. Like you said, it is unlikely he knows anything about an adoption of a baby born before him and even if he did what he knew would be very little... to what end to ask about a person he didn't live/grow up with? eta: what is this person looking for? I think she wants a definitive answer...and pictures. I wouldn't be providing her with pictures, even if I had any. Truthfully, no, I wouldn't. Why risk the possibility of upsetting your 87 yr old father for the sake of someone you really do not know. I think you're right...not worth the risk of upsetting him for the gain (or perceived gain, in her mind, I guess) of a stranger.
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Post by KelleeM on Sept 2, 2017 11:51:39 GMT
Stuff like that wasn't discussed at all. He probably had never heard about it. But if you think you could ask your dad why not. Is he interested in this stuff at all? I don't think he's the least bit interested.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
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Post by scrappington on Sept 2, 2017 11:55:38 GMT
Stuff like that wasn't discussed at all. He probably had never heard about it. But if you think you could ask your dad why not. Is he interested in this stuff at all? I don't think he's the least bit interested. Then you have your answer. Don't ask him. If your happy with just knowing your back ground it's all good.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,688
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Sept 2, 2017 13:53:32 GMT
I'm curious, do you know the age of this person's grandmother? I wonder if she's older than your father?
Why, at age 87, change everything he ever knew about his family?
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GiantsFan
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,300
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Sept 2, 2017 14:04:34 GMT
I would not mention it to him. He probably doesn't even know about it.
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Post by hop2 on Sept 2, 2017 14:09:16 GMT
In my relationship with my father I'd have no issue asking him and he'd have no issue talking to the person. But I can't say what you should do because I don't know your father or his health.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,976
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Sept 2, 2017 15:22:33 GMT
Let me take the other side. I understand where she's coming from. She's tracing her history and there is someone alive who MIGHT have some information. These memories of elderly people who may have "been there" can be so valuable to people tracing their family history, and once someone has passed, it's gone.
Years ago, I asked elderly relatives, some of them who I hadn't even met, for memories. With the exception of one (my paternal grandmother), they were all happy to tell me what they could. They were glad that someone was interested in their past. My paternal grandmother told me she had no interest in the past and wasn't going to talk about it. I respected her feelings, and never asked again.
Having said that, I do understand why you don't want to talk to him about it.
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,663
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Sept 2, 2017 16:34:13 GMT
THis is stuff my sister and I discussed being possible before we took the dna tests. I would not ask. Like you said, it is unlikely he knows anything about an adoption of a baby born before him and even if he did what he knew would be very little... to what end to ask about a person he didn't live/grow up with? eta: what is this person looking for? I think she wants a definitive answer...and pictures. I wouldn't be providing her with pictures, even if I had any. Truthfully, no, I wouldn't. Why risk the possibility of upsetting your 87 yr old father for the sake of someone you really do not know. I think you're right...not worth the risk of upsetting him for the gain (or perceived gain, in her mind, I guess) of a stranger. Why not share pictures? It's her family too. I don't get this at all. I just found a niece my brother didn't know about. I'm so happy to share our family photos of her ancestors with her.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Sept 2, 2017 16:34:53 GMT
Personally, I would.
I say this because my grandfather is a bit of an enigma. My Dad has a brother and sister, they had very different memories of what my Grandfather told them about his past.
One of my cousins spent a long time on our family tree. My Grandfather was an ophthalmologist and served in the Army in WWI. That we have proof of. But they can find NO other record of him before that. He did not go to University where he said he went. All three agreed that he told them he went to the same University in Canada. They have no record of him attending.
My cousin even went there to look at the records personally. My cousin started this search after his mother and our uncle passed away. We all wished we had asked more questions and that we could find out more.
Unless you know it would really upset your Dad, I would talk to him about it and let him decide if he wanted to contact this woman.
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Post by disneypal on Sept 2, 2017 16:41:29 GMT
Yes, I would ask
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 2, 2017 16:50:00 GMT
I'm curious, do you know the age of this person's grandmother? I wonder if she's older than your father? Why, at age 87, change everything he ever knew about his family? I would start with wanting to know how old the other woman's grandmother is. That will tell you how old either your paternal grandmother and great aunt were when she was born and possible insight to the circumstances. My dad is hugely into genealogy and has uncovered a few skeletons in the family tree so would be fascinated by this. If this other person is older than your dad, I doubt he would know anything at all. Giving a child up for adoption was kept as quiet as possible for that generation so the few that were aware would have kept the secret to their grave. SaveSaveSaveSave
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Post by KelleeM on Sept 2, 2017 16:57:45 GMT
I'm enjoying reading everyone's perspectives. I messaged her to ask what year the woman was born. As for pictures, it's a moot point since I don't have any and have no knowledge of the existence of any, but I suppose if there were any I could consider it. I can't ask until I see my Dad since his hearing is poor and he doesn't do well with phones. I'm still pondering 🤔
thanks for for your opinions!
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Post by scrapmaven on Sept 2, 2017 16:59:56 GMT
I would have asked my dad, but that wouldn't have upset my dad had it been our issue. Both of my parents were full of family history. You know your dad best. If it would upset him then don't ask. However, if you think he will be OK w/it then ask. You might find a few family members with whom you can connect. I wish I could give you a clear answer, but it really depends upon how you think your dad will respond to the news.
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Post by pjaye on Sept 2, 2017 17:02:04 GMT
I'd ask, no problem at all. It was so long ago, I can't see why you wouldn't, there's not much in life that 87yo's haven't seen or heard by now. My mother has a friend who is 90 and I see her sometimes when I visit my mother, she's mentally sharp and one time we were talking about DNA/ethnicity tests etc and she was fascinated, then I asked her more about her own family and she told me the warts and all account - deaths, affairs, alcoholism, the brother who stole money and vanished and she hasn't seen for 50 years etc etc. She was more than happy to talk about all of it, and it was really interesting.
He may know something or he may not and I can't see how an elderly man would be "upset" by asking him if he know of any babies given up for adoption long ago in his family.
I also don't get why you wouldn't share some photos. In these days of digital it's so easy to copy a photo and email it. You may not be as interested in it as she is...but why deny her a few old photos? That seems a bit mean.
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,663
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Sept 2, 2017 17:21:52 GMT
I'm enjoying reading everyone's perspectives. I messaged her to ask what year the woman was born. As for pictures, it's a moot point since I don't have any and have no knowledge of the existence of any, but I suppose if there were any I could consider it. I can't ask until I see my Dad since his hearing is poor and he doesn't do well with phones. I'm still pondering 🤔 thanks for for your opinions! You might find someone in your line does have photos. I hope they share with you if you are interested in having them. I have found tons of people who had photos and were willing to share with me. Just found a cousin who had this photo of my great-grandmother. I only had one when she was younger. This is the youngest photo of her I have found. Anna Hattie McClanahan by Tammy Jones, on Flickr
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 2, 2017 17:35:09 GMT
I think this for me highlights the good and bad in these tests. While I do seek to know my heritage, I also don't want to disrupt the family Dynamics. My sister's in laws did a huge family tree. Somehow it came out that my aunt had a different father than what the rest of the family knew. I think my dad knew about it but it was like a dirty family secret was now out in the open for everyone to know. He was not happy that came out to all of us.
So I would say think very carefully about what kind of man your dad is and if this kind of information would be upsetting. He might already know. He might wish that nobody learns about it.
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Post by worrywart on Sept 2, 2017 18:13:06 GMT
I would because most older people have a different feel on things than maybe when they were younger..don't worry as much and don't stew over things (at least my parents are like this).
So, I would ask because even though my parents are not into genealogy at all, they like talking about old times and people alive and dead who they have known thru the years.
Of course you know your dad best so take that into consideration!
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Post by mollycoddle on Sept 2, 2017 18:43:28 GMT
I would provide her with pictures of the great aunt and grandmother and call it a day.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 2, 2017 18:43:40 GMT
I'm always surprised how upset people are with the idea that a deceased relative might have a skeleton or unknown story in their history. But I guess part of it may be I don't put a whole lot of expectation that previous generations were any different that people today. And I also don't see putting a child up for adoption as some huge moral failing.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 2, 2017 18:49:09 GMT
I'm always surprised how upset people are with the idea that a deceased relative might have a skeleton or unknown story in their history. But I guess part of it may be I don't put a whole lot of expectation that previous generations were any different that people today. And I also don't see putting a child up for adoption as some huge moral failing. IMO it looks like a generational thing. We live in a day and age when step families, divorces, remarriages, and babies born out of wedlock do not have the same stigma as they did in previous generations.
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Post by KelleeM on Sept 2, 2017 19:10:06 GMT
I would provide her with pictures of the great aunt and grandmother and call it a day. I don't have any to provide. Well, I have one photo of my grandmother that I took in 1977. I don't know that I ever even met the great aunt in question.
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Deleted
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Jun 10, 2024 9:56:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2017 19:16:23 GMT
You will be surprise at what your father remembers. There are gentle ways to ask. As for pictures, you really don't have to share if you don't want to.
I have somebody after me on ancestry. Insists that we are 3 cousins. Um nope! I have met almost all of my cousins. There just isn't any way that person could be that close to me. We could have a common ancestor from 200 years ago, but nothing closer.
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Post by seikashaven on Sept 2, 2017 19:29:30 GMT
I'm always surprised how upset people are with the idea that a deceased relative might have a skeleton or unknown story in their history. But I guess part of it may be I don't put a whole lot of expectation that previous generations were any different that people today. And I also don't see putting a child up for adoption as some huge moral failing. Because they were raised in a time when those situations were shameful and hidden. Shame is incredibly powerful and gives secrets power they wouldn't otherwise have. While stigma doesn't surround those issues as much today, some people are still very much bound to their pasts emotionally. My mother hid something about my paternal grandfather's past from me. When I found out I didn't care at all. It in no way impacts my memories of the man I knew him to be. And yet she has lived her life deeply ashamed of this secret. It has eaten her up for years and only now is she starting to be free of it. My MIL is not honest about her previous marriages or her current wedding date. They were not transparent about my DH's adoption. They live in fear of being found out and their past choices being judged and discovered. Instead, their adult children discuss it amongst themselves and judge the desire to cover it up, not the acts themselves. Family secrets run deep and upsetting the balance can be damaging to family relationships. I think each of us has to tread carefully with these things.
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Post by refugeepea on Sept 2, 2017 19:37:57 GMT
I guess you have to know the person. I wouldn't rule it out either way.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Sept 2, 2017 20:13:33 GMT
It depends totally on the person being asked questions. If I knew anything I would happily share it. If my mother were asked a question she didn't wish to answer she would birth a cow right on the spot.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 10, 2024 9:56:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2017 20:18:08 GMT
KelleeM could you start the conversation with saying something about an article you saw like this one: abcnews.go.com/US/brothers-separated-birth-meet-70-years/story?id=20766774 Sort of feel out a theoretical "how would you feel if that happened to you" If he seems upset by such a thing happening, or adamant it couldn't happen then I'd for sure leave it alone. If he mentions it might be possible or he would like to know, then you can tell him about the dna request.
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