Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,976 
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Post by Nanner on Sept 2, 2017 20:21:47 GMT
I'm always surprised how upset people are with the idea that a deceased relative might have a skeleton or unknown story in their history. But I guess part of it may be I don't put a whole lot of expectation that previous generations were any different that people today. And I also don't see putting a child up for adoption as some huge moral failing. Because they were raised in a time when those situations were shameful and hidden. Shame is incredibly powerful and gives secrets power they wouldn't otherwise have. While stigma doesn't surround those issues as much today, some people are still very much bound to their pasts emotionally. My mother hid something about my paternal grandfather's past from me. When I found out I didn't care at all. It in no way impacts my memories of the man I knew him to be. And yet she has lived her life deeply ashamed of this secret. It has eaten her up for years and only now is she starting to be free of it. My MIL is not honest about her previous marriages or her current wedding date. They were not transparent about my DH's adoption. They live in fear of being found out and their past choices being judged and discovered. Instead, their adult children discuss it amongst themselves and judge the desire to cover it up, not the acts themselves. Family secrets run deep and upsetting the balance can be damaging to family relationships. I think each of us has to tread carefully with these things. About those secrets: My husband was born when his mother was 39 and his father was in his 50s. They were not married, although his mother told him that they were. His father, however, married another woman right around the time DH was born. We can find records of that marriage, but despite years of searching, find nothing to indicate that his parents ever married. DH's brother was 18 years older than him. His brother never met, or knew anything about, his own father. DH has no one left in his family. They've all passed. His parents and grandparents, and his only maternal aunt, all died when he was a teenager. His older brother died a year ago, but he always said he didn't know about stuff. DH is resentful, and sad, that he was told LIES about his family background, I'm sure because there were secrets they may have been ashamed of and they thought they were "protecting" him. But I think DH, being the son and grandson of these people, has a right to know. Hell, he was told his parents were married when he was born, but since his father married another woman, records for which we CAN find, right around the time DH was born, I don't think his parents ever were. And we can't find any record of it, at all. There are so many secrets in his family, and he HATES the fact that he can't find any information. He was in touch with an old distant relative one who said there "was a story", but couldn't remember what it was. Even his brother said there were a lot of secrets, and despite searching, we have found nothing about any of these so-called secrets. Now everybody is dead. And he will never know much. Because a lot of the stuff he would like to know is stuff that isn't in formal records. So that's another side. |
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Post by seikashaven on Sept 3, 2017 3:42:11 GMT
Because they were raised in a time when those situations were shameful and hidden. Shame is incredibly powerful and gives secrets power they wouldn't otherwise have. While stigma doesn't surround those issues as much today, some people are still very much bound to their pasts emotionally. My mother hid something about my paternal grandfather's past from me. When I found out I didn't care at all. It in no way impacts my memories of the man I knew him to be. And yet she has lived her life deeply ashamed of this secret. It has eaten her up for years and only now is she starting to be free of it. My MIL is not honest about her previous marriages or her current wedding date. They were not transparent about my DH's adoption. They live in fear of being found out and their past choices being judged and discovered. Instead, their adult children discuss it amongst themselves and judge the desire to cover it up, not the acts themselves. Family secrets run deep and upsetting the balance can be damaging to family relationships. I think each of us has to tread carefully with these things. About those secrets: My husband was born when his mother was 39 and his father was in his 50s. They were not married, although his mother told him that they were. His father, however, married another woman right around the time DH was born. We can find records of that marriage, but despite years of searching, find nothing to indicate that his parents ever married. DH's brother was 18 years older than him. His brother never met, or knew anything about, his own father. DH has no one left in his family. They've all passed. His parents and grandparents, and his only maternal aunt, all died when he was a teenager. His older brother died a year ago, but he always said he didn't know about stuff. DH is resentful, and sad, that he was told LIES about his family background, I'm sure because there were secrets they may have been ashamed of and they thought they were "protecting" him. But I think DH, being the son and grandson of these people, has a right to know. Hell, he was told his parents were married when he was born, but since his father married another woman, records for which we CAN find, right around the time DH was born, I don't think his parents ever were. And we can't find any record of it, at all. There are so many secrets in his family, and he HATES the fact that he can't find any information. He was in touch with an old distant relative one who said there "was a story", but couldn't remember what it was. Even his brother said there were a lot of secrets, and despite searching, we have found nothing about any of these so-called secrets. Now everybody is dead. And he will never know much. Because a lot of the stuff he would like to know is stuff that isn't in formal records. So that's another side. Oh I agree with you that the secrets come at a high cost. I'm incredibly resentful towards my in-laws because they've denied my DH his history because of their shame. I think it's incredibly selfish. My sympathies to your husband. I hope somehow he's able to put the pieces together one day. |
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Grom Pea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,944
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Post by Grom Pea on Sept 3, 2017 5:34:57 GMT
I would ask unless I knew it would specifically upset my dad. I never asked my parents about their childhoods because they never talked about that kind of stuff and I guess they never talked about it because no one asked! My husband asked and they told him tons of stuff. I guess it just depends on the person but who knows, your dad could have a shoebox of documents that he thinks no one cares about so he's never shared it. You won't know until you ask. Asks if he has pictures I don't see what it would hurt to give a relative a scan of a photo either.
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Post by cawoman on Sept 3, 2017 8:08:41 GMT
There have been several divorces and some adoptions in my family going back to my great-great grandparents. I was born in 1951 so they all lived when divorce wasn't common. I was never particularly interested but the family didn't seem secretive about the facts. A fun fact though is one ancestor was named Merry Christmas. She was born and died on Christmas Day.
But to the original question, I would have asked either of my parents. But I agree, it depends on whether you think your Dad would be upset about it. And I understand you are not providing pics because you don't have any. It's not a personal choice.
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Post by peasapie on Sept 3, 2017 12:12:13 GMT
I would ask. There could be a story there that he never talked about. Or maybe he knows a little something and always wondered.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,630
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Sept 3, 2017 12:15:14 GMT
In my relationship with my father I'd have no issue asking him and he'd have no issue talking to the person. But I can't say what you should do because I don't know your father or his health. Same. I would totally ask my dad. I can't see it upsetting him. But I recognize other families are different and people might react differently. You're the only one who knows your dad well enough to determine if he would be okay with this. |
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Post by gillyp on Sept 3, 2017 13:14:02 GMT
Could you come at it from a different angle? Maybe jokingly say to dad that you have been reading of results and hearing of family members popping up as a result of the test and should you be concerned that someone might contact you? You might be able to guage from his reaction how he might feel and also if he knows anything. It might give you the opening to discuss it further? I've not read other replies so apologies if I'm missing the point.  |
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Post by melanell on Sept 3, 2017 16:28:49 GMT
Perhaps try asking your father for general opinion first and use that reaction to decide whether to ask more. Tell him that you had the DNA done to see your ethnic backgrounds and now you have the opportunity to upload the results to see if you can find any distant cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. who have similar DNA. Describe your thoughts on the possibility of strangers contacting you to say that they are somehow related. And ask his thoughts on you doing that. If he thinks it's awful and says he wouldn't like that, then you definitely have your answer. If he seems intrigued, then you have something to consider. If nothing else, it may pen the door to him talking a bit more about his family or his memories, which could be nice. |
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,411
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Post by theshyone on Sept 3, 2017 18:08:09 GMT
I'd ask. I come from he side where secrets and lies have concealed truth from me my whole life. I'd love to know the facts.
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Post by auntkelly on Sept 3, 2017 18:42:48 GMT
I regret telling my 90 year old aunt something which I learned about my ancestry. I thought it was no big deal, (and I still don't think it was any big deal) but it upset her. I wish I had kept my mouth shut.
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Post by ceepea on Sept 3, 2017 20:28:50 GMT
I think only you can answer that. It depends on so many things, his condition, demeanor, your relationship... I would have asked my dad at 87 without a seconds thought and it would have been fine, even though he was on hospice. We were always very open right to the last day. Your dads condition and your relationship may be different though. Do what is best for him and don't worry about the person asking.
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Post by Lexica on Sept 4, 2017 1:29:51 GMT
To me, it would depend on the type of person your dad is. With my dad, I could have absolutely asked. Heck, I once asked him if there were any other siblings of mine out there from his wild days. My dad was a handsome and charismatic man and didn't meet and marry my mom until they were in their early 30s. Basically saying, he had a life before marriage, and was in the war as well. He answered honestly that he had never been told of any, but of course, that possibility always remains when you have sex with someone as a one-night stand, right? With my mom, there would have been no doubt she never had a child before having my siblings and I, but Dad, well, I wouldn't be horribly surprised. But I know my sister is really into the history of the families, and I think I would have heard if there was anyone claiming to be related to us.
If you think your father might have a memory or had been told at any time, and you don't think this would upset him, I'd ask.
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Post by myboysnme on Sept 4, 2017 1:41:24 GMT
I would love to think I would ask, but I haven't even asked my own mother about a child she gave up. But given your circumstances I would ask if he knew anyone in the family who gave a child for adoption.
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