Deleted
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Oct 11, 2024 6:20:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 20:44:10 GMT
As many know here, my dad has dementia. He was finally moved to a memory care facility on Tuesday. My brother and I took him there, got him settled in et.
All I want to do is cry. I have to choke it back. In my head the guilt is killing me.
My dd is having a very hard time with this situation.
I feel like a traitor to him because we left him there.
This sucks big time.
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Deleted
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Oct 11, 2024 6:20:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 20:46:29 GMT
I had to do that for my dad last year. He was so confused and didn't understand why he couldn't go home. It was awful, but they only comfort was that it was for his own safety. They took very good care of him and were very loving and gentle.
Remind yourself that it's the disease talking, not his real opinion. {{{{{big giant hugs}}}}}
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Post by gar on Aug 29, 2014 20:47:36 GMT
I understand. It hurts and its not fair on anyone but you ARE doing the right thing and that is ALL you can do. Be kind to yourself ((hugs))
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
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Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Aug 29, 2014 20:55:45 GMT
I have "death guilt" not nursing home guilt but I didn't want to read and run. *hugs* I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I wish you much strength in your days ahead while trying to adjust to this. ❤
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 20:55:47 GMT
Thank you maryann and gar. I "torture" myself thinking I wonder what he is thinking.
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Deleted
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Oct 11, 2024 6:20:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 20:56:50 GMT
Thank you nowomannocry.
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finaledition
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 0:30:34 GMT
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Post by finaledition on Aug 29, 2014 20:58:10 GMT
My mom and aunt are currently making that decision for my grandpa. I'm distance and a generation away, but I can tell it's the toughest thing they have ever done. I'm sorry. I hope you find more peace in your decision.
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oldcrow
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Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on Aug 29, 2014 21:01:55 GMT
As someone who cares for those with dementia I understand how you feel. I see it everyday and my heart goes out to you.
But trying to keep him at home is an overwhelming task and your guilt would then be compounded by a feeling of failure when you would have to do what you have already done.
He is safe and will get the care he will need as the disease progresses. Just remember to visit often. Many times people stop visiting because they think it will not be noticed. Maybe the lack of visit is not noticed but the visits are.
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Post by tuva42 on Aug 29, 2014 21:04:03 GMT
I'm so sorry. BTDT with my dad.
But I think you have re-think that emotion. You did what was best for him, didn't you? Then there should not be any guilt. Think about when your kids were little. Did you do things that made them unhappy temporarily, because you knew it was best for them? Did it make you feel guilty?
You love your dad and you are doing what is best for him. In the end, that's what matters.
My dad was going downhill fast when we moved him to an Alzheimer's facility. He actually stabilized once he got moved in there and he lived much longer than we had thought he would because the care there was so consistent and professional. They could care for him better than my step-mother could even though she loved him so much and tried so hard. I knew everything would be okay when I went to visit him one day and saw one of the staff there lean over and kiss the top of his head. She didn't know I was there, she just really cared about him.
And huge internet hugs for you. This is HARD!
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marianne
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Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
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Post by marianne on Aug 29, 2014 21:08:50 GMT
I'm so sorry. I wish you peace and strength as you travel this very painful road. Please be gentle with yourself.
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Post by redshoes on Aug 29, 2014 21:14:14 GMT
(Hugs) to you. You've traveled a long road with him and I am sure it's very difficult. Hoping the coming days and weeks will give you a new, peaceful perspective.
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Deleted
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Oct 11, 2024 6:20:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 21:19:28 GMT
I'm so sorry and I wish I could say I knew. My Dad moved in to his care facility last Monday and it was horrendous, I cried like a baby when I saw him there. Bless him he said to me 'this is a happy moment please don't cry' which just made me cry harder. I know he's being really well cared for and we can visit him any time we want but the guilt is tearing me up inside. I'm not sleeping and my appetite is gone. Hugs to you Tishy, if you want to talk I'm always willing to listen.
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Post by kimpossible on Aug 29, 2014 21:26:59 GMT
BTDT too with a parent. I don't think it ever gets easy. However, I know how much of a strain it was on my Mom at the time and it allowed her to go visit him daily - stress free without killing herself trying to care for him at home (which she eventually couldn't do anyways).
Hugs to you and the family. It is one of the hardest things ever to have to go through.
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luvnlifelady
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Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 29, 2014 21:32:54 GMT
I haven't been there yet, thank goodness. However, I think it's like when parents take their kids somewhere that is hard to do, but good for them. We put teen DD in a 2-week residential program this past summer. Sure, we all cried and I missed her like crazy, but it had to be done. I imagine your situation is similar. Hang in there.
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Deleted
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Oct 11, 2024 6:20:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 21:35:53 GMT
{{{ hugs }}}
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 21:48:15 GMT
You're not a traitor for trying to give him the best care possible. Please go easy on yourself.
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perumbula
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Jun 26, 2014 18:51:17 GMT
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Post by perumbula on Aug 29, 2014 21:50:10 GMT
My aunt wouldn't make this choice until health issues of her own forced the matter. She fought tooth and nail to keep Grandpa with her. But you know what? Grandpa is so happy. They found a fantastic place for him with people to care for him and lots of things for him to do and new friends galore. He used to do yarn wrapped hangers all day to keep busy. He told his daughters he doesn't have time to do crafts these days. He's too busy. I know this is one of the hardest decisions you'll ever have to make, but it's for the best. (((hugs)))
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 21:55:46 GMT
Time, and experience, will ease the guilt. As you experience him living a calm, well cared for, even happy life for him. And seeing his caregivers being able to have something of a more normal life you will know it was the best that could be done for everybody.
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scrapngranny
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Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Aug 29, 2014 21:57:10 GMT
I had to do the same for my father. Notice, I said for not to. I did the best thing I could for my dad, I could no longer care for him at home. There come moments in life we have to make hard choices for our loved one's safety. It will take some time, but you will come realize you did the most loving thing you could do. It got easier for me as i saw how well he adjusted. I will pray you find comfort and he will do in the facility.
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Jili
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SLPea
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Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Aug 29, 2014 22:29:34 GMT
I'm so sorry. I had not been there myself at this point, but I remember how much my mother struggled when my grandfather needed to go to a nursing home. He didn't want to be there (though he understood that he needed to be there), and that was really hard for her.
Hugs to you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 22:44:56 GMT
You're not a traitor for trying to give him the best care possible. Please go easy on yourself. Well said! We made that difficult decision for my dad also. You get torn between the guilt yet knowing it was the best thing for him (and for those who were doing the care giving before).
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Post by Really Red on Aug 29, 2014 22:49:22 GMT
It totally sucks. I am so very sorry for you. I hope you are able to find some peace with this decision. It may not come until much later, but it is awful.
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eastcoastpea
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Post by eastcoastpea on Aug 29, 2014 22:57:32 GMT
tishy, You did what was best for your dad. You did it out of love and concern. We are here and able to lend moral support and a willing ear. You might want to see if the memory care facility has anyone you can talk to to help you process your feelings. Lots of hugs coming your way.
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Post by doxielady on Aug 29, 2014 23:06:11 GMT
Just wanted to send you more hugs. I hope the guilt eases with time and as you see that he is receiving good care.
Be gentle with yourself.
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Deleted
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Oct 11, 2024 6:20:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 23:23:10 GMT
Thanks you all so much. You all have really helped me over the last 2 years with my parents and their medical struggles. I happily accept all of the prayers and kind words. I can hear in my mom's voice she isn't as tired. She has had three nights of uninterrupted sleep.She didnt have to worry if he would get up and walk out the door in the middle of the night. The people there are very kind and patient.
Again thank you so much.
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inkedup
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Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 29, 2014 23:31:12 GMT
As many know here, my dad has dementia. He was finally moved to a memory care facility on Tuesday. My brother and I took him there, got him settled in et. All I want to do is cry. I have to choke it back. In my head the guilt is killing me. My dd is having a very hard time with this situation. I feel like a traitor to him because we left him there. This sucks big time. I'm sorry for all of this. It sounds like you are doing the best you can for your father, and it is clear that he is deeply loved. I think this is just such a hard, sad situation that you will feel rotten regardless of how you handle it. Big hugs to you. Please try to be gentle with yourself. You really are acting out of love.
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gloryjoy
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Post by gloryjoy on Aug 29, 2014 23:34:20 GMT
Don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes the best decisions are not always the easiest decisions.
Give yourself time.
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janeliz
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Jun 26, 2014 14:35:07 GMT
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Post by janeliz on Aug 29, 2014 23:39:55 GMT
I'm so sorry. ((Hugs))
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Post by nightnurse on Aug 30, 2014 0:22:08 GMT
Dementia sucks. You lose your loved one in little increments and then you are grieving the person they were while dealing with the person they have become. As a fifteen year veteran of long term care nursing, I can tell you that you did the right thing. It can be impossible to keep a dementia patient safe at home and the caregiver suffers tremendously, both physically and emotionally. Each transition is hard on a dementia patient, so expect your dad to have some bad days until he settles in to his new home. Don't take these personally and don't let them make you think he's going to be miserable forever. He will adjust and come to feel that his new home is his safe place. You are in no way a traitor-you made a difficult decision to do what was best for him, even though it was hard. Our parents made tough choices that we hated at the time but that we now realize were right all along. As they age, sometimes we have to make those difficult decisions for them- taking away the car keys, taking them out of their home, choosing palliative care....
I can also assure you that this transition is harder on you than your dad. Be kind to yourself-go out to dinner, take a walk on the beach, do something with your daughter, get your mid of the situation. The facility will take good care of your dad and contact you if they need to.
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 30, 2014 0:34:45 GMT
Your father needs 24/7 care and you cannot reasonably give that to him. What if he falls? What if he tries to wander at 2am? Nights are the most confusing for a dementia patient. His day/night hours may very likely get mixed up and you will be incredibly sleep deprived. He'll need a lot of help and it's exhausting and emotionally draining. Tensions will mount and keeping him at home can create many more stressors. On the other hand, in a good care facility your father will receive the professional, full time care that he needs. You can visit whenever you want to do so and he will learn to accept his new surroundings. Often the best choices are the hardest. This is one of those times. I'm really sorry.
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