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Post by smokeynspike on Sept 1, 2014 7:21:34 GMT
I don't think that I would pursue getting together even for a first date, someone who wasn't close to me geographically speaking. I think I would go so far as to say that I wouldn't even correspond with them either because I would consider that to be time wasted when I could be getting to know someone who in my area. Why set yourself up for the heartache for a potential relationship that is more than likely going to go nowhere or be very hard to get serious logistically?
I wouldn't be able to get serious with someone who I couldn't date like normal and see in person on an everyday basis once we were committed to each other. Once I have decided I want to be with you, I want to BE with you and that doesn't include a long distance relationship that is going to cost a fortune to maintain and leave me unhappy that I am not in the same location as them.
Whatever you choose, I hope it makes you happy.
Melissa
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inkedup
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Post by inkedup on Sept 1, 2014 7:59:20 GMT
Cripes Olan...I can't imagine dating you. You sound...way too high maintenance. Do you read something in to everything?!! My marriage is doing great!! TFA! You are such an ass. Always one of the first to complain about others, but never willing to admit when you're being a bitch - which is often. |
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Post by pelirroja on Sept 1, 2014 10:27:17 GMT
You haven't even had a first date yet and here you are mulling over a 4000 mile move in your head? Slow down. Waaaay down. And what's this about a month's stay? You haven't even had lunch with him: you don't even know whether or not you like him. And him footing the bill: that might be a very high price for you to pay. Not a good idea.
If you are completely serious about staying put and never moving again, consider this guy GU (Geographically undesirable) and cross him off the list. Not just him but anybody who's more than an hour's car ride away. Can you put a filter on that gives you a set fixed geographical radius, like 100 miles or so?
Ill-advised. But I don't believe in rom-coms. Grand gestures (to me) are just gestures and play-acting, not the day-to-day reality and mundane nitty-gritty of a real relationship. Give me a guy who cleans up after me when I've had the flu: now there's a grand gesture, for sure.
Most importantly, Olan, just because someone initiates correspondence with you, it does NOT mean you have to respond. Please, please, please remember that. You can say NO. It's OK.
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Country Ham
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Post by Country Ham on Sept 1, 2014 12:18:33 GMT
You kind of asked for him to do this. You already had a date in the works based on your mock vacation situation where you were both meeting up in California. Then even after setting all this up you made an off hand comment about no one willing to do a grand gesture for you. I would say he took the hint and made the grand gesture.
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TankTop
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Post by TankTop on Sept 1, 2014 12:53:08 GMT
If you are completely serious about staying put and never moving again, consider this guy GU (Geographically undesirable) and cross him off the list. Not just him but anybody who's more than an hour's car ride away. Can you put a filter on that gives you a set fixed geographical radius, like 100 miles away. This! Don't make things hard on yourself or him if you are set on staying put. |
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AmeliaBloomer
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Sept 1, 2014 13:07:05 GMT
If you decide to continue talking with this guy, I would take a rain check on the Grand Gesture. Doesn't mean you can't cash it in later when you have a better idea of your compatibility. Too many unknowns now, not the least of which is safety. (That's the mom in me talking.)
Good luck. (And I'm really sorry to hear the circumstances of your break-up.)
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Post by miss_lizzie on Sept 1, 2014 13:13:28 GMT
Only you know whether to pursue this relationship, but it seems like a grand gesture is most powerful when it's freely given, not in response to basically asking for one. Good luck with your decision.
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Post by SockMonkey on Sept 1, 2014 13:19:06 GMT
I would still meet up with him in CA and take it from there. The Hawaii thing is too much, too soon. Also, is it wrong that I'm amused by the passive-aggressive side-thread that is happening here? "Aren't you like, a serial Internet dater?" "How's your marriage?" "You're high maintenance!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Sept 1, 2014 16:01:25 GMT
I once heard a very important piece of information (I think it was on Oprah, but not totally sure...) :
Doubt means don't.
I think if there are so many things to second guess, this is probably not the best path for you to take.
I'm sorry.
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Post by melodyesch on Sept 1, 2014 16:10:19 GMT
I would do Cali but not the long trip to Hawaii. I met someone through my job and he was cross country. We met very briefly in a meeting (In person) then started corresponding on a personal level. We spent six months messaging and talking on the phone and seemed completely perfect for each other. He flew out for a weekend and it was painful! We had zero chemistry and I absolutely COULD NOT WAIT for him to get back on his plane and he felt the same about leaving. We spoke once after that and never talked again. I just cannot imagine if the same thing happened and we were stuck together for weeks, especially if he were paying for my accommodations.
It absolutely could be that this could turn into something. I think the CA trip is a leap of fate, but the HI trip is very ill advised.
Good luck and be sure to update on what you decide!
Melody
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Sept 1, 2014 17:02:48 GMT
I would still meet up with him in CA and take it from there. The Hawaii thing is too much, too soon. Also, is it wrong that I'm amused by the passive-aggressive side-thread that is happening here? "Aren't you like, a serial Internet dater?" "How's your marriage?" "You're high maintenance!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Would it be toddler like to say "She started it"?. She made it seem like my dating life is nothing but drama and was kinda adamant that I'd someone done "this" before. The first time fine but the second example that was partially true made me think why would I take advice and backhanded criticism from a woman so clearly unhappy in her own marriage. And I own the serial dater title. I am not fulfilled single and want to be in a relationship. I want to have children and get married and I don't like the passive approach to things. I make things happen for myself. Some women go to bars or join five boutique gyms but I online date  and clearly some women will complain about how shitty their marriages are while judging me for stopping at nothing to find my own potential shitty husband ha! |
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Post by scrapmaven on Sept 1, 2014 17:04:05 GMT
Something about this entire thing is triggering my eek-o-meter. Though I don't need to tell you to be careful, I can't help it. I would not go anywhere to meet him alone, especially Hawaii. If you have to ask then I think you know it's a bad idea. This doesn't sound concrete or realistic to me. I'm sorry. It's not what you want to hear, but I want you safe and happy.
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Sept 1, 2014 17:09:22 GMT
Something about this entire thing is triggering my eek-o-meter. Though I don't need to tell you to be careful, I can't help it. I would not go anywhere to meet him alone, especially Hawaii. If you have to ask then I think you know it's a bad idea. This doesn't sound concrete or realistic to me. I'm sorry. It's not what you want to hear, but I want you safe and happy. I came here to poll because I knew I would hear the negative and because I am seeing the man of my dreams at the end of a rainbow it's really essential to get a huge dose of reality! Sucks but... |
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Post by gypsymama on Sept 1, 2014 17:12:13 GMT
i did the online dating thing before i met my dh and i wouldn't go to HI... i didn't even consider meeting anyone if we talked and our future geography would be an issue. i don't think its "jumping ahead" as some people have said, i don't even see the point in wasting time and energy and emotions on someone who was unwilling/unable to relocate to my area (i have kids and am limited on location due to divorce decree) so i'd just move on.
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Sept 1, 2014 17:22:02 GMT
I mentioned this before but He said he would have no problem moving here. Our initial emails (before I saw his picture and before we Skyped) were all about how many states I've been to and what each one of them was like. He was considering moving to the mainland before meeting me. I think it's a large part of why he sent his initial message to me.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Sept 1, 2014 17:33:03 GMT
I really did think you had done this before, sorry I don't keep a spreadsheet on you. And you do have a lot of dating drama! ha.
Ya know what? if you only take advice from people with only happy marriages, and haven't had to deal with ups and downs, then honey..good luck!! Just because I've shared some honest things, does not mean my marriage isn't happy, or I haven't had to work on things. I would much rather have advice from couples that have had to work on things. You seem naïve.
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inkedup
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Post by inkedup on Sept 1, 2014 17:34:04 GMT
I really did think you had done this before, sorry I don't keep a spreadsheet on you. And you do have a lot of dating drama! ha. Ya know what? if you only take advice from people with only happy marriages, and haven't had to deal with ups and downs, then honey..good luck!! Just because I've shared some honest things, does not mean my marriage isn't happy, or I haven't had to work on things. I would much rather have advice from couples that have had to work on things. You seem naïve. And you are just a giant fucking bitch!!!! But maybe it will make it funny if I use a bunch of exclamation points like you do!!! Your repeated insistence that Olan's dating life has gone a certain way certainly does make it seem like you keep a spreadsheet. Or maybe you read it at the "nasty blog" that you never, ever visit but are always one of the first to mention... Seriously, you are just being a passive aggressive asshole. |
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Post by miss_lizzie on Sept 1, 2014 18:03:57 GMT
olan, I think it's great that you know what you want and are working toward it. I met my DH on eharmony and we were engaged in 2.5 months. We just knew. I hope you find the love of your life--whether this person or someone else--soon.
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Post by chances on Sept 1, 2014 18:06:08 GMT
I agree with the peas who say wait until after California. If there is Chemistry and a possible future, talk about a longer visit. I really like the idea of trying to get to know him sooner rather than over a prolonged period of time. I've known my fiancé for over 5 years and I knew everything I needed to know in about 18 months. Honestly, I feel like I wasted a lot of time (which may be coloring my judgement  ). In my peer group, I see these long, meandering, relationships and it's just exhausting! It's like a soap opera where no one does anything, just sits and talks forever. I suggest being active. That doesn't mean it will work out, but at least you will have information to work with. Good of luck and have fun in Cali! |
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LeaP
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Post by LeaP on Sept 1, 2014 18:33:15 GMT
Something about this entire thing is triggering my eek-o-meter. Though I don't need to tell you to be careful, I can't help it. I would not go anywhere to meet him alone, especially Hawaii. If you have to ask then I think you know it's a bad idea. This doesn't sound concrete or realistic to me. I'm sorry. It's not what you want to hear, but I want you safe and happy.  It makes my spidey senses tingle. A combination of the speed of the arrangement and his inability to take off more than one afternoon from work. I think that the California plan is much more realistic. By the way, the flight time from DC -> Hawaii is 9 hrs 45 minutes vs Chicago -> Hawaii at 8 hrs 30 minutes. Also, I think your gut is trying to tell you something  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2014 18:47:30 GMT
And you are just a giant fucking bitch!!!! But maybe it will make it funny if I use a bunch of exclamation points like you do!!! Your repeated insistence that Olan's dating life has gone a certain way certainly does make it seem like you keep a spreadsheet. Or maybe you read it at the "nasty blog" that you never, ever visit but are always one of the first to mention... Seriously, you are just being a passive aggressive asshole.
This is nothing new, and it's not going to change. Engaging with her special kind of argle bargle is an exercise in futility. Olan, I think the CA thing sounds ok. The Hawaii thing-not so much. Just too big of a risk too early on. |
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Post by JBeans on Sept 1, 2014 19:44:20 GMT
You want to be dependent on him before you even meet him? Fine by me if that's what you want, but from reading your posts over the years, all I can see is you going along with it only to rebel against it later. He made a grand gesture. Why don't you make one and turn down the trip? Yeah, I agree with lefty. Too grand of a gesture or not the grand gesture you really were talking about. |
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likescarrots
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Post by likescarrots on Sept 1, 2014 20:01:01 GMT
I agree with the peas who say wait until after California. If there is Chemistry and a possible future, talk about a longer visit. I really like the idea of trying to get to know him sooner rather than over a prolonged period of time. I've known my fiancé for over 5 years and I knew everything I needed to know in about 18 months. Honestly, I feel like I wasted a lot of time (which may be coloring my judgement ). In my peer group, I see these long, meandering, relationships and it's just exhausting! It's like a soap opera where no one does anything, just sits and talks forever. I suggest being active. That doesn't mean it will work out, but at least you will have information to work with. Good of luck and have fun in Cali! I'm confused, you've known your fiance for over 5 years, knew within less than 2 years that he was the one, and are still not married, but you're criticizing other peoples long relationships?? weird. |
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Post by chances on Sept 1, 2014 20:20:15 GMT
I agree with the peas who say wait until after California. If there is Chemistry and a possible future, talk about a longer visit. I really like the idea of trying to get to know him sooner rather than over a prolonged period of time. I've known my fiancé for over 5 years and I knew everything I needed to know in about 18 months. Honestly, I feel like I wasted a lot of time (which may be coloring my judgement ). In my peer group, I see these long, meandering, relationships and it's just exhausting! It's like a soap opera where no one does anything, just sits and talks forever. I suggest being active. That doesn't mean it will work out, but at least you will have information to work with. Good of luck and have fun in Cali! I'm confused, you've known your fiance for over 5 years, knew within less than 2 years that he was the one, and are still not married, but you're criticizing other peoples long relationships?? weird. Wow. My first snarky pea comment. I guess I am a lurker no more. I count myself among the endless, overly wrought, relationships. Not everyone wants to get married, so that's not the point. I've noticed me and my friends tend to think and talk too much instead taking action. I'm just advising against it from experience. |
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Post by Skellinton on Sept 1, 2014 20:41:41 GMT
I agree with the peas who suggested you follow through on California and see what happens. One weekend may not be enough to say this "the" guy, but it certainly is long enough to decide if he is not. After you are home from the date, if it went well, continue your correspondence and maybe plan a longer visit then.
My grandparents met in a city neither one lived in, after one week my grandpa took my grandma home to meet his family and he moved from Texas to Alaska to marry her. They knew each other 2 weeks and were as happily married for almost 50 years, until his death. Sometimes people relocate to be with someone they are in love with and it works out, sometimes it doesn't. I don't blame you for being hesitant after your last long relationship. I am sorry his mother was such a narrow minded bigot and he wasn't man enough to stand up to her, and I hope you find someone who makes you happy and you can have a family with.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2014 20:48:11 GMT
I really did think you had done this before, sorry I don't keep a spreadsheet on you. And you do have a lot of dating drama! ha. Ya know what? if you only take advice from people with only happy marriages, and haven't had to deal with ups and downs, then honey..good luck!! Just because I've shared some honest things, does not mean my marriage isn't happy, or I haven't had to work on things. I would much rather have advice from couples that have had to work on things. You seem naïve. Oh there's no doubt you keep a spreadsheet. You are one of the nosiest, bitchy peas on here.
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Sept 2, 2014 6:15:01 GMT
I really did think you had done this before, sorry I don't keep a spreadsheet on you. And you do have a lot of dating drama! ha. Ya know what? if you only take advice from people with only happy marriages, and haven't had to deal with ups and downs, then honey..good luck!! Just because I've shared some honest things, does not mean my marriage isn't happy, or I haven't had to work on things. I would much rather have advice from couples that have had to work on things. You seem naïve. Naive? Absolutely not. I'm sure you have a lot of insight on what NOT to do. Since you are frank with your judgements of me lets try this one out... I think you are miserable but too chicken shit to change your situation. I'm done with this little exchange. I value peoples opinions even when it isnt what I want to hear but you came here trying to paint a picture but when its color by numbers you can't put green where red should go. I'm not high maintenance and I'm not naive. By your own overshare YOU ARE in fact unhappy in your marriage and have been since I was a more regular poster on twopeas. Skellinton Thank you. Its been three years since our relationship ended and some days I still feel "stuck". All of my relationships have been long term ones so dating still throws me for a loop but I'm hopeful about this one. LeaP O how I wish that were true. O'hare to Honolulu is 9 hours non stop. Whereas Washington DC to Honolulu is 12-14 travel time depending on the layover. |
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Post by redayh on Sept 2, 2014 12:32:50 GMT
Can you take someone with you, just to be safe?
I really hope it works out!
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Sept 2, 2014 12:51:42 GMT
Can you take someone with you, just to be safe? I really hope it works out! My good friend still lives on Oahu but I've been a bad friend have been holding on to a package I should have shipped weeks ago. I am going to surprise her and probably spend a day or so helping her pack too. Her family was moving back to the mainland (military family) a couple months ago when her husband had a really bad woodworking accident. She was so supportive when I decided to move on from my last relationship and helped me have several "My relationship is over" garage sales! She also continued to check in on my ex after I left. |
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Sept 2, 2014 12:55:47 GMT
There is no way in hell I'd consider travelling to meet a guy I met on the web, but since you're doing it just make sure you're always in public and don't tell him where you're staying. Be safe at all times. I want to say don't trust him with any personal or location information but I guess that defeats the purpose.
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and clearly some women will complain about how shitty their marriages are while judging me for stopping at nothing to find my own potential shitty husband ha! 
). 
It makes my spidey senses tingle. A combination of the speed of the arrangement and his inability to take off more than one afternoon from work. I think that the California plan is much more realistic. By the way, the flight time from DC -> Hawaii is 9 hrs 45 minutes vs Chicago -> Hawaii at 8 hrs 30 minutes. Also, I think your gut is trying to tell you something 
