Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 20:50:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2017 13:17:04 GMT
In these days of extreme "mama" blogging and "mama" IG'ing, I thought this was a fascinating read. "Every so often, my son threatens to sue me. Well not exactly threatens but implies that he could, if he wanted to. Whether he wants to remains mercifully unclear. The issue at hand—the basis for his supposed suit—is this: I’ve written a book about the experience our family had when our daughter was born sick, got sicker still, and was then beautifully cured with a bone marrow transplant (compliments of his cord blood stem cells). In the book, I describe Gabriel as an infant and a toddler: how he would squeeze his sister’s arm and say, “I’m enjoying you!”; his devotion to cake; his fraught relationship with trees, “the trees don’t yike me”; his profound bond with a pair of bee motif rain boots, which he wore to bed for six months. I’ve drawn a portrait of him. Projected an image of Gabriel, age 2, into the minds of readers. Advertisement Do I have a right to do that? Honestly, I didn’t question my right to describe my children when I started the book. I just wrote. But sometimes we make decisions, even really big, important decisions, without acknowledging that they are decisions.... I did not enlist my kids’ help or approval. I just wrote; skipping over the fact that I was deciding to tell a very intimate story about them, without their consent. And now my job is to receive the rolling wave of their reactions." (and she's still telling their story, even through this piece). www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2017/09/who_gets_to_tell_the_story_of_a_child_s_illness.html |
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Oct 5, 2017 13:32:40 GMT
What an interesting article! I think that she felt compelled to tell her story, but I'm on the kids' side - they don't relate to their former selves. They may feel painted into a memory box where their mother doesn't see their real selves. In some ways, her "honesty" may drive her children away.
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Post by brina on Oct 5, 2017 13:41:19 GMT
I can tell you that this story comes up in the adoption world a fair bit. There are parents who will tell you that the adoption story is not theirs to tell, but their child's story. Obviously the parent's side is their own, but the story of the child's life pre-adoption is owned by the child. I waiver in my stance on this. I do read some things that make me feel that some parents cross a line.
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Post by myboysnme on Oct 5, 2017 13:46:55 GMT
My aunt wrote a similar story about my cousin's leukemia and subsequent bone marrow transplant. Both my aunt and my cousin are deceased now. I have never read the book and have no desire to do so. You would think I would, knowing the characters so well. But I feel like any more than I already know as a close family member is more than I feel comfortable knowing. The parts abut fear and despair, which I'm sure are there, will induce guilt that I didn't do more, or get more involved.
I think the scrapbooks I keep about my kids are similar. They are books of their lives through my eyes and memories. They don't really get to say how that is recorded. I think it probably will mess with their memory of things if they ever look at the albums.
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Post by anonrefugee on Oct 5, 2017 13:58:44 GMT
Just imagine the future lawsuits if this becomes a thing!!! I can think of a few current teenagers who had their every toddler-whiny, potty training, growing pain revealed on the web during the early days of blogging. Not always in a cute way. I rarely FB post about my kids, and their accomplishments. Even rarer about family vacations and outings. I'm sure my "friends" think we have a boring life and un achieving children. But it's their life and their story to tell. Those who know us recognize our Pea-Perfect offspring and glamorous life  Thanks for article, I'm going to bring it up with IRL friends. Especially to talk about myboysnme scrapbook comment. |
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PrettyInPeank
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Oct 5, 2017 14:14:01 GMT
Just imagine the future lawsuits if this becomes a thing!!! I can think of a few current teenagers who had their every toddler-whiny, potty training, growing pain revealed on the web during the early days of blogging. Not always in a cute way. I rarely FB post about my kids, and their accomplishments. Even rarer about family vacations and outings. I'm sure my "friends" think we have a boring life and un achieving children. But it's their life and their story to tell. Those who know us recognize our Pea-Perfect offspring and glamorous life Thanks for article, I'm going to bring it up with IRL friends. Especially to talk about myboysnme scrapbook comment. I barely share, too. I assume they think I'm hiding something, or unhappy or sometbinh.  I think a lot of people cross major lines. What about TV shows? Can a Duggar kid sue a parent? |
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 20:50:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2017 14:19:15 GMT
My friend has been writing a journal about her son's cancer diagnosis, treatment, etc. She's shared it with me, but recently stopped updating because it's too difficult for her now. I think those involved own the story. Each is able to tell their own version; however, when children are old enough to truly express themselves, I'd respect their desire to keep things out of the public eye.
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 20:50:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2017 14:28:40 GMT
I think having a family that is super-reticent about sharing online makes me hyper-aware of these issues. Got off of fb years ago, partly because of this.
It also comes up for me because part of my crowd are writers and some do memoir. It's impossible to know, sometimes, where the line is because yes it's their story and it's also their family's story - so who gets to share what w/o the other party's consent.
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Oct 5, 2017 15:20:24 GMT
My son had a friend who died from a rare cancer. The mother became pregnant while she was undergoing treatment. Some of the circle of moms were concerned that the pregnancy was for cord cell retrieval. I always worried about the impact of illness for that little girl. What is her story? She was wanted and loved, but can he parents separate her from the lost child that she could not save?
Ethical questions are always hard.
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Post by Basket1lady on Oct 5, 2017 15:53:57 GMT
In this case, I think this is the mom's story to tell. At least the story about when her DD was undergoing treatment.
Neither child was old enough to remember this horrible and scary time for the parents (and specifically the mom here). All the siblings have are stories that other's have retold to them. Would the son have any more right to this story than the daughter who was saved?
To me, the son's story would be the lifelong bond that was created. How he felt being his sister's savior, the bond the sister felt with her brother.
But it seems incredibly strange that the mom didn't share with her kids that she was writing a book about their lives.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Oct 5, 2017 15:59:58 GMT
Even before social media was what it is now, I had that same question about all the scrapbook "celebrities" who documented every little thing their kids did and then had the layouts published in the magazines that were at times distributed worldwide. We literally watched some of these people's kids grow up through the pages of Creating Keepsakes and Memory Makers. This was way before I had my own kid, and even then it made me somewhat uncomfortable knowing all that stuff was out there and public knowledge about those kids. I'm a fairly private person by nature, and because of that I really think my kid's digital footprint should be what she wants it to be and not some narrative that she didn't have a voice in creating.
As for my own scrapbooks being from my perspective, of course they are--I made those books FOR ME. Yes they have pics of my kid, spouse, pets, friends and some day my kid will get them. I look at it as a way for her to take a peek into my mind/thoughts/feelings when those things were happening in our lives and I hope it gives her a different lens to look at those events through other than her own memory (especially when she was really small and has no memories of her own of them anyway). The difference is that my scrapbooks were made to be a private thing for my family, not something posted on the internet or otherwise shared with the whole wide world.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
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Post by Rhondito on Oct 5, 2017 16:39:07 GMT
This made me think of Brenda and her brother on "Six Feet Under" - didn't their mother write a book about them and it really screwed both of them up later in life?
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Post by #notLauren on Oct 5, 2017 16:48:08 GMT
I say yes, you get to tell the tale of your experiences even if it includes your children.
I have often asked my mom if I could borrow her rose-colored glasses sometimes as her memories of my childhood are so different than my own. But, they are her memories nonetheless and I see no reason why you couldn't write a book about your memories of your children.
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Post by pb on Oct 5, 2017 17:42:39 GMT
Many years ago in the pre blog days when my son were in elementary school I wrote a monthly column for the PTA newsletter which focused on being a mom. My kids were more abstractions rather than specifics. However when my eldest was in 6th grade and struggling with life I stopped doing the column. I could see my focus in my mom life was going to be him and as I wrote about what I was experiencing, he would be a bigger part of the writing and that was unfair to him.
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Post by melanell on Oct 5, 2017 18:26:49 GMT
I guess if the kids really wish to sue some day they better not ever want to write a book about their own lives or they'll have to leave everyone they know out of it---particularly their parents.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Oct 5, 2017 18:53:28 GMT
very interesting; thanks for sharing the link!
"The memories I encoded in the book have and will color my kids’ memories, overlay the little they do recall."
^^^ this line made me think of what gets captured in photographs and documented in scrapbooks, and I see that other people have said similar things... am I remembering things as they really happened, or do I 'remember' other people's memories of events (like my older siblings, telling stories)? Or am I 'making up' the story from what's in the photograph?
I think to some extent, this happens in everyone's life. There's MORE of it in those two kids' lives, yes, but I think it does happen to everyone in some fashion. Especially in this age of social media and sharing. "In the book, I’ve created a picture of my kids that I want to be real, believe to be real. But it is actually my invention." She told their story from the only viewpoint she could have, which was her own. I don't necessarily think that it was wrong of her to do so, but I can see how the kids might be uncomfortable with it now that they're older.
ETA: I agree with the scrapbook celebrity experience, too- how much of the kids' personality is 'them' versus what they've been 'told' they're like through their mom posting about them online? I used to read Cathy Zielske's blog, and I remember that when her son hit a certain age, he didn't want her to post photos or talk about him any more, and she was respectful of his feelings. It has to be hard, having perfect strangers recognize you and know all about your life. I don't know if that's changed, but I do remember thinking then if he wanted privacy to be a 'regular' teenager that she should definitely give it to him, and she did.
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Post by peasapie on Oct 5, 2017 19:09:10 GMT
It's an interesting question and one I have never thought about. Putting myself into the perspective of the child, I wouldn't have wanted my mom to tell a story that included me from her viewpoint, because the way I saw myself was very different than how she saw me, I'm sure. This issue must come up often in biographies and autobiographies.
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,516
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Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Oct 5, 2017 19:41:50 GMT
Interesting read and discussion. TFS and starting this thread.
When my first DS was born and having severe growth issues, I had no one I could really talk to about it. I really needed the release of talking the different aspects, test, issues through with someone other than DH. There was no social media really and I hadn't discovered scrapbooking yet. Family wasn't very open to what we were going through, to them it was just a simple fact that he was tiny. It even got blamed on the fact we did IVF to conceive (which my mother disapproved of). Had social media been around then, I most likely would have talked about it. Like I said, the release and other view points is something I really needed at the time. I felt alone and scared, worried about my DS and all the effects GHD caused (it's way more involved than just height). Then starting treatment and the struggle of having to give him an injection (to the muscle) every single night. Now my DS is 20 and doesn't mind me talking about it with people (for awareness sake), but he draws the line with his friends and their family. He doesn't want it that personal, so it's never even been mentioned on FB and I'll keep it that way. In fact, this board is the only place I really talk about it. He was just a baby and doesn't know the nightmare we went through to find the cause of him not growing, and trust me, there's a lot of ridicule and side eyes, thinking we weren't feeding our baby. Now he bares the brunt of ridicule and side eyes, it's not like he can hide his stature, yet he doesn't mention GHD unless someone is really giving him a hard time.
So all that to really say that I understand wanting to talk it all through with others. When you are going through something scary, it really helps to find information and stories of other people going or gone through the same thing.
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Post by refugeepea on Oct 5, 2017 23:55:53 GMT
It's an interesting article and I don't know the answer. It seems like she really didn't think things through at that moment. She was doing the best she could and wanted to share and help others with her book.
I feel like it's best to not post often about kids. As my oldest got older, he said he didn't want me to post his photo or say things about him. I respected that and sometimes felt a bit sad the few times I couldn't brag because he's been a challenge. I see this type of thing with some special needs parents that have blogs, Facebook pages about their child, write books, and give speeches. I feel like awareness is good, but it feels exploitative at times depending on the person. I also think they don't realize people without special needs kids will not understand. So when they are posting about every destructive incident or something they see as cute, there's probably lots of judging and I don't feel it helps awareness in a good way.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
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Post by scrapaddie on Oct 6, 2017 2:45:41 GMT
Everyone has their own story and they are not necessarily the same, even though the stories lived side by side. And we do have freedom of speech. A mother has the right to write about her child... And the child has the right to be upset. The child as the right to write about his parent... Anyone writing a story may have to deal with negative reactions. Suing?  Have to pove damages... That could be hard. |
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
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Post by scrapaddie on Oct 6, 2017 2:47:28 GMT
It's an interesting article and I don't know the answer. It seems like she really didn't think things through at that moment. She was doing the best she could and wanted to share and help others with her book. I feel like it's best to not post often about kids. As my oldest got older, he said he didn't want me to post his photo or say things about him. I respected that and sometimes felt a bit sad the few times I couldn't brag because he's been a challenge. I see this type of thing with some special needs parents that have blogs, Facebook pages about their child, write books, and give speeches. I feel like awareness is good, but it feels exploitative at times depending on the person. I also think they don't realize people without special needs kids will not understand. So when they are posting about every destructive incident or something they see as cute, there's probably lots of judging and I don't feel it helps awareness in a good way. My child does not want an online presence... no Facebook, etc. I post little about her and never use her name online. |
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 20:50:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2017 12:16:38 GMT
Thanks for sharing this. Over 4 years ago, while I was in the hospital with my very sick teen for 6 weeks, my sister started a facebook support page. At first, I really took comfort knowing all these followers of her story were praying and getting simple updates from us instead of rumors through the school/community. Since her diagnosis, I have followed other moms in the same position and I am sure some of them do not consider their children's privacy at all and share upsetting photos and very private details... they are just sad and desperate mothers and use these posts to cope and I understand totally. I TOTALLLLLLLLLLLLY understand.
Over the months and years, I posted less and less to the support page and totally stopped over a year ago even though there are updates...good news and set backs, these are for her to share if and when she wants. That being said, she is thankful for the details I journaled privately, she is thankful for the photos I took of her in the hospital with visitors etc, she is thankful for the facebook page and reading the messages people left for us because she was so sick she has little memory of some of the things that happened to her.
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tduby1
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Post by tduby1 on Oct 6, 2017 14:54:11 GMT
DS 18 went through a stage at about 15 where he opposed my posting anything- photos, updates, achievements, etc on fb. I am not the type of mom to post embarrassing stuff so it baffled me- but whatever. I only posted with permission regarding him. Now at 18 he jumps in front of my camera hoping it'll make fb or flat out instructs me I need to post xyz on fb. Then he stalks my page (from my page since he doesn't even have fb) to see all the likes and comments.
My 15 year old DS is going through the "don't put it on fb stage" as we speak. He runs CC and usually absolutely refuses to give me permission to post his running photos- one particular set he allowed. He is my easiest kid, laid back, sweet and agreeable to everything- but me posting about him on fb. So there is a CC parents fb page and ALL the parents BUT me post their kids' meet photos. Apparently, my "neglect" has not gone unnoticed and several moms have now started posting Ds's photos as well.
So I approached him and told him about and asked him if it bothered him. He seemed downright confused as to why I would think that bothered him. Just baffled! If it had bothered him I would have asked them to stop but it truly did not bother him for them to post the same pictures I am not allowed to post. Anything I do post re: is with permission, except family photos. To my knowledge he is the only one of my three who has no interest is getting on my page to see likes and comments. He never has done that.
Likewise, though not as adamant as her brothers, Dd, would make little comments, about that age, about putting things on fb as well. But with her, when I didn't, she got offended as well. So it wasn't really an issue of it being there but more of her wanting me to seek approval- whixh she was always willing to give. And like her older brother she takes great pleasure soaking up the likes and comments at age 17- by stalking my page (again from my page, since she doesn't have an account).
From those experiences I've come to the conclusion that 15ish is the age where teens are yearning and trying to obtain more control, freedom, over their own lives and social media seems to be their starting point. It seems once they find the balance, they loosen their grip on conteolling it a bit.
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Have to pove damages... That could be hard.