Struggling today - Update in OP

It has been five days since my mother died. I woke up today and my entire body hurts. I'm pregnant and sick, so I know my body is working harder than usual, but this is different.

Everything hurts. My body, my mind, my heart.

My relationship with my mother was difficult, and she was especially difficult at the end. We still talked, though not often, and we usually said "I love you" at the end of every conversation. My mom was physically and mentally ill for many years.

My siblings and I helped clean my parents' house up yesterday (so much company when someone dies!), and there were a million little heartbreaks.

On her nightstand, I found a handkerchief I gave her on my wedding day. It was embroidered with the words "mom, your love is one thing I am sure of." She kept a picture of my son by it. My brother said that, every morning, she would kiss his photo and touch the handkerchief and tell us both she loved us.

I wish we had both been more forgiving toward each other. I wish things were otherwise.

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Update 10/13

Thank you all so much for your kind words, good energy and messages of support and understanding. Yesterday was really hard. Today was better.

My siblings and I were helping clean our parents' home because our mother had been blind for many years before she passed. I don't think any of us are ready to deal with actually sorting through her belongings. Our dad definitely isn't - he asked that we dust around her things rather than move them.

She would never let us help with anything when we visited, so there was quite a bit of dusting and deep cleaning that needed to be done (curtains washed, walls cleaned, etc.) . Our dad mentioned something about how embarrassed our mom would have been to  about the dust with so many visitors, so we just helped tidy their home. (We tried hiring a service, but the lady who was supposed to come at 2 pm called to cancel at 1:48!! We joked that it was our mom's doing - she would have NEVER wanted a stranger cleaning her home  )

It was a long day of physical labor. I think that, combined with a tough pregnancy and the chest cold I'm fighting, just did me in. I was completely spent yesterday. I spent most of the day in a deep stupor; half sleeping, half trying to will myself out of bed.

I read your messages in the evening and was filled with gratitude. Thank you, thank you, thank you, peas, for your support and love. I could never say "thank you" enough.