A Woman’s Lot

I struggle with this concept a lot. I'm the breadwinner in our household (by 3x) - my salary pays for all of our healthcare (insurance and HSA), 401(k) savings, and 99% of the household bills. I also complete a majority of the household chores. DH owns his own business and while he doesn't have consistent cash flow he can feasibly take a paycheck every week, he just doesn't. I constantly have to ask him for money and remind him to pay the one monthly bill for which he's responsible. He basically gets to pick and choose what he spends "his" money on, while all of my money goes to the house/kids. He sees nothing wrong with this and it drives me crazy. I'm convinced he doesn't do more chores because he has no skin in the game, as it were. But I can't entrust bill paying to him, because he can't even pay ONE bill on time each month. And he thinks I'm nagging when I ask him to help.

Any suggestions on getting through to him? We've been married 19 years and he's been like this pretty much from day one. I understand I've made my bed...just hoping someone has a different perspective

Ack, that sounds awful.  Before we got married, we sat down and made a list.  He originally thought that if he took care of the yard and cars (outside chores) and I took care of the inside chores, that would be fair.  When you actually sit down and write out a list of chores and the time it takes each week or month or year complete, it is easy to see that outdoor chores do not equal indoor chores.  Add in kids and holidays and it becomes a joke.  In your case, I would tell him he needs to step up (and write the chores he will do out) or "his" money each month will need to go to hiring someone who can help you with everything that you do.  I also get that just saying something doesn't magically make it happen though.  Good luck.

it's so true. especially, for me, this part: "I know compared to many women, including female family members and friends, I have it so easy. My husband does a lot. He does dishes every night habitually. He often makes dinner. He will handle bedtime for the kids when I am working. If I ask him to take on extra chores, he will, without complaint. It feels greedy, at times, to want more from him."

Dh is great. I love him to death. He does way more than friends' husbands, or my dad did- we are equal partners in a lot of things.. once I ask him to do it. the example the author gave of the box in the closet, sitting there for 2 days and her noticing it 20 times while he just walked around it, I have HAD conversations just like that with DH! you got it out, you see it there, you know it has to be put away.. why is it MY job to either do it or ask you too? Really trying not to raise my 2 sons this way as well: if you see something that needs to be done, do it. don't wait to be told to. we're all in this together.

Same here.  The thing is that my DH honestly does not "see" the box in the closet.  It just doesn't hit his register.  Then I ask, he says ok, and it's done.  Is it ridiculous?  Absolutely.  But 5 seconds vs a big fight--I pick the 5 seconds.

At the same time, I try to teach the kids (and DH as the same time) about something as picking up your stuff.  I've taught the kids to look behind you as you leave the room.  Did you leave your shoes laying beside the chair? Are your dirty dishes sitting on the table?    I try to teach not just to pick up, but how to actually SEE the stuff that needs to be picked up.  DS has a new (college) roommate as of last week.  And DS is complaining about how messy the kid is.  I had to laugh, because DS put on his dorm application that he was messy.  I warned him!  It can be so much worse.

I absolutely agree with this article.  Women have so many little details to deal with throughout the day.  You kid gets invited to a birthday party?  You play over in your mind:

-the family's schedule for that day
-what family activities the party would conflict with
-how your kid is getting to the party
-do you know the parents of the party kid
-do you stay for the party
-what gift to buy
-how much to spend
-does your kid need a coat for the party? socks? what kind of shoes?

If DH saw the invitation--"go show this to your mom."

I remember when we first had DS.  DH had repacked the diaper bag for the next day.  Sure enough, no diapers, no wipes, no snacks.  I'm not sure just what he did pack, but then he cheerfully just told me that I was in charge of the diaper bag in the future.  No, babe.  Here's a list and I learned to always carry extra diapers in the car after that.