bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,617 
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Post by bethany102399 on Nov 20, 2017 16:47:45 GMT
I have family embroiled in a nasty custody fight, and I've been pondering this in my own head but don't want to say anything as things are raw for them.
one parent wants full custody, other parent, (who is on the bat poop side of crazy) would have visitation rights. The majority of the family thinks parent who wants custody is going to have it so much easier if its granted.
Why? They'd still have to deal with the other parent. Even if custodial parent has the freedom to make decisions, other parent at minimum still has to be notified. My feeling is custodial parent is going to be dealing with this until last child turns 18.
I'm keeping my mouth firmly shut, as no one needs my comments unless they're supportive, but I can't help but think this isn't over by a long shot. Am I missing something?
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Nov 20, 2017 16:56:22 GMT
I agree with you.
Even if you have custody, and the other parent remains in the child's life.. you will have to deal with them until the child chooses to severe ties.
Speaking from experience.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 21, 2024 3:25:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2017 17:21:34 GMT
I have family embroiled in a nasty custody fight, and I've been pondering this in my own head but don't want to say anything as things are raw for them. one parent wants full custody, other parent, (who is on the bat poop side of crazy) would have visitation rights. The majority of the family thinks parent who wants custody is going to have it so much easier if its granted. Why? They'd still have to deal with the other parent. Even if custodial parent has the freedom to make decisions, other parent at minimum still has to be notified. My feeling is custodial parent is going to be dealing with this until last child turns 18. I'm keeping my mouth firmly shut, as no one needs my comments unless they're supportive, but I can't help but think this isn't over by a long shot. Am I missing something? You are right that the non custodial parent has to be notified of any decisions that affect that parent's relationship with the child. But, it IS easier than having to negotiate every single decision. Something as simple as a haircut can become a battle ground for some joint custody parents. So I guess I'd say "easy" is a relative term. Yes, they still have to deal with the other parents but there are less opportunities for the other parent to totally stall any decisions being made ever. |
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Nov 20, 2017 17:22:19 GMT
It is easier to have the ultimate decision making power. I made sure that our agreement was clear about what happened in a case where we don't agree (I get the deciding vote).
Even a parent with visitation can make things difficult though - my ex threw a kink into DD's plans last weekend because he could. He hasn't discovered yet that I'm not as forgiving as I once was though - its going to come back to bite him when he inevitably asks me for a favor.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,617
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Post by bethany102399 on Nov 20, 2017 17:24:15 GMT
Something as simple as a haircut can become a battle ground for some joint custody parents. I hear you, and actually this has been a battleground for them, and you can see it in the kids actions. I appreciate your responses, at the end of the day I'm just sad and angry for the kids. This has bled onto them way too much and I'm angry at the X who refuses to act like an adult. The family member dealing with this has done it with a lot more grace than I think I'd be capable of in the same situation. |
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Post by teacherlisa on Nov 20, 2017 17:25:43 GMT
I am not a laywer...and I have no doubt everyone has their own personal experiences based on their ex, and the laws of their state...my experience:
I had to get help from legal aid during my divorce/custody stuff. The paralegal gave me the best advice of my life. I went in wanting joint custody for my ex. I wanted my sons to have a relationship with their father and I see fathers as equal to mothers. The paralegal told me...based on the things you have told me (DV, his mental state etc) you need full custody. You can set up visitation however you want (custody/visitation are two different things) ...but when the going gets tough...you will have custody and the decision making power. If you can not get along to parent now, how do you think you will get along to parent in a joint custody situation. It took me awhile to decide what to do and in the end, I took her advice.
Divorce does not end your problems, it changes them...that is for sure.
In my state (AZ) if you have joint custody, you have to have both parents permission for the child to get a drivers permit. My ex was "missing" at that time in my sons life, and if I had had joint custody...my kids would not have been able to get their permits.
My youngest son needed counseling and eventually some psychiatric help as a teenager. My ex would not have allowed that type of medical care, and would not not signed any necessary permissions for him to go. Same with the braces that my older son needed.
Those are just two examples of situations where having full custody allowed me to get the necessary things done for my children. I saw full custody as a huge responsibility, and one I did not abuse. When my ex was stable, he was given very flexible and generous visitation. Most of the time, he was not stable and I was able to determine what was best for my children.
I would have rather had a joint custody/co parenting situation. That was not my reality and I am so thankful I listened to that paralegal.
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Deleted
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Sept 21, 2024 3:25:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2017 17:29:06 GMT
I will say they are tied to each other for as long as the child lives or until the child grows up and decides to cut relationship with either parent. Our youngest was 19 when we divorced so we never had to deal with custody but my ex uses his relationship with the kids to try to needle me. To date, two have cut ties with him but the youngest hasn't yet. The youngest is 30 now...long past any needy childhood issues.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,617
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Post by bethany102399 on Nov 20, 2017 17:46:41 GMT
teacherlisa thank you for sharing. I appreciate your insight and comments. I suspect for my family member being able to access services for the kids without getting permission/consent will be a significant step forward. At the same time, I can also see how giving up that "power" would be very frightening for the X, for more than one reason. Not something I thought I'd ever hear myself say.
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Post by teacherlisa on Nov 20, 2017 17:56:51 GMT
teacherlisa thank you for sharing. I appreciate your insight and comments. I suspect for my family member being able to access services for the kids without getting permission/consent will be a significant step forward. At the same time, I can also see how giving up that "power" would be very frightening for the X, for more than one reason. Not something I thought I'd ever hear myself say. bethany...yes I agree with you 100%. It has to be scary for the ex, and I know many custodial parents who abuse that power/do not put the kids first. It is hard all the way around. |
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Post by maryland on Nov 20, 2017 19:34:24 GMT
I agree with you. Even if you have custody, and the other parent remains in the child's life.. you will have to deal with them until the child chooses to severe ties. Speaking from experience. Yes, I agree too! Also, if things improve for the visitation parent, (he/she perhaps gets help and gets better) that parent may want joint custody in the future? I hope things improve and they can both be good and equal parents to the child, especially for the child. Also, he/she may have to be around other parent even after child turns 18 (graduations, wedding, etc.). |
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Nov 20, 2017 19:53:29 GMT
I am not a laywer...and I have no doubt everyone has their own personal experiences based on their ex, and the laws of their state...my experience: I had to get help from legal aid during my divorce/custody stuff. The paralegal gave me the best advice of my life. I went in wanting joint custody for my ex. I wanted my sons to have a relationship with their father and I see fathers as equal to mothers. The paralegal told me...based on the things you have told me (DV, his mental state etc) you need full custody. You can set up visitation however you want (custody/visitation are two different things) ...but when the going gets tough...you will have custody and the decision making power. If you can not get along to parent now, how do you think you will get along to parent in a joint custody situation. It took me awhile to decide what to do and in the end, I took her advice. Divorce does not end your problems, it changes them...that is for sure. In my state (AZ) if you have joint custody, you have to have both parents permission for the child to get a drivers permit. My ex was "missing" at that time in my sons life, and if I had had joint custody...my kids would not have been able to get their permits. My youngest son needed counseling and eventually some psychiatric help as a teenager. My ex would not have allowed that type of medical care, and would not not signed any necessary permissions for him to go. Same with the braces that my older son needed. Those are just two examples of situations where having full custody allowed me to get the necessary things done for my children. I saw full custody as a huge responsibility, and one I did not abuse. When my ex was stable, he was given very flexible and generous visitation. Most of the time, he was not stable and I was able to determine what was best for my children. I would have rather had a joint custody/co parenting situation. That was not my reality and I am so thankful I listened to that paralegal. Been there, done that. Similar t-shirt. My ex is still active Army. All person "stuff" aside, being able to fully parent in his absence has been alot better. Everything from vacations, to schooling to sports. As for the ex and I, we do a fair job of co-parenting. Said child is 16 now, and up til this point, his help wasn't really needed. Right now though, his verbal support is invaluable. Our visitation was written to be standard every other weekend every other holiday blah blah blah. We don't follow it (he's always lived thousands of miles away) and we have developed our own. It's nice to know that if something crazy happened, and we are unable to reach an adult agreement, we can fall back on that. All that said, my ex and I simply didn't work out- he's not a crazy or abnormally difficult person. |
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