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Post by pretzels on Sept 3, 2014 17:41:09 GMT
I have a 15-year-old DS. He's a pretty good kid -- has a good attitude, is involved in extracurriculars, is (so far) doing really well in school. He's just all-around good (not perfect, but good). He's not disrespectful to us or any adults.
Yesterday, I was messing around on Twitter and found out that the high school band (of which he is a member) has a Twitter account. I followed it so I could keep up-to-date on things. While I was reading the feed, I found out that DS has a Twitter account that I did not know about.
Our kid social media policy is that when a kid is the appropriate age, he or she may get a Facebook account and all that, but I have to know the user name and password. If it gets changed or whatever, then access is gone. He has a Facebook page and an Instagram account and that is all I know about.
I read through his feed and while none of it is just loathsome or horrible, he does use some pretty foul language and crude imagery (one of his pics is him giving the middle finger to The Scarlet Letter, which I really can't blame him because that book is hideous).
So, he has "violated" our social media agreement. I can:
1. Say nothing to him, but continue to watch his account. I cringed a bit about what he posted, but it's really not anything out of the ordinary for teens.
2. Say something to him, and get the user name/password, plus start following him. If I do this, he will censor his posts and will find another account or place to post things.
3. Say something to him and make him close the account. If I do this, he may go elsewhere to post things.
WWYD?
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Sept 3, 2014 17:45:56 GMT
Your DS is 15, not 5. Perhaps you should review your family policy.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 26, 2024 12:08:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2014 17:47:55 GMT
Or you could do [HASH]4 - just tell him you know about it. Remind him of your rules and ask for his suggestion on what should be done about it. Go from there.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Sept 3, 2014 17:48:18 GMT
Sounds like you've already decided on number 1. In both 2 and 3 you state why they wouldn't work.
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Deleted
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Apr 26, 2024 12:08:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2014 17:49:33 GMT
I think it's reasonable to ask that your minor living at home clears using new social media with you.
As to how you deal with it... I agree, if you take away Twitter completely he may just find another social media app to use, one which may be harder for you to regulate or follow.
I personally would choose NOT to address the slight vulgarity. Save that for in case bigger issues ever pop up -- kids need a chance to express themselves and be free, and swear a bit.
I think if it were my child, I may remove the phone/compute for social/fun use for a reasonable period of time -- days or a week, whatever you think works best. I may or may not delete/suspend use of the Twitter account for a longer period of time but I wouldn't take it away completely.
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Post by kmcginn on Sept 3, 2014 18:02:18 GMT
Pick your battles. As you said, he is a good kid and I agree that teens need a way to vent and be teens. I would continue to monitor and if it gets any worse, then confront him.
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Post by kristi on Sept 3, 2014 18:05:25 GMT
I would have a talk with him about going against the family rule.
He would need to provide his password & let him know that you will be checking in just like you do with Facebook & Instagram.
My kids know that I am checking in on texts/emails/postings. I think it is your job to let him know what is acceptable & that his language might not be an issue in High School, but he is leaving an internet footprint that could impact his college & job choices down the road.
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oldcrow
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Posts: 3,828 
Location: Ontario,Canada
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Post by oldcrow on Sept 3, 2014 18:12:37 GMT
Or you could do [HASH]4 - just tell him you know about it. Remind him of your rules and ask for his suggestion on what should be done about it. Go from there.  |
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Post by krazykatlady on Sept 3, 2014 19:14:33 GMT
Or you could do [HASH]4 - just tell him you know about it. Remind him of your rules and ask for his suggestion on what should be done about it. Go from there. I agree with this. Another thing to think about - does he use Snapchat? As far as I know there's no way to monitor it and it's THE one I'd be against letting him have. |
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tiffanytwisted
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you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Sept 3, 2014 19:20:42 GMT
Pick your battles. As you said, he is a good kid and I agree that teens need a way to vent and be teens. I would continue to monitor and if it gets any worse, then confront him. This is what I've been doing. My younger one started Skyping (apparently it's not just video chatting - you can type  ) and I found out from my older one. I figured your 2nd choice was a likely scenario, so I have the older one doing the monitoring for me. While he may not tell me everything, he won't want his brother getting in any serious trouble. Little does the older one know, I have the son of a friend of mine monitoring him, lol. |
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Deleted
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Apr 26, 2024 12:08:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2014 19:47:26 GMT
I'd let it go and continue to monitor it. If it gets really bad, intervene. The only way you are going to know how he truly acts is by letting him think no one is watching. He'll either sink or swim...let him.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Sept 3, 2014 21:04:13 GMT
I would let him know, that you are now following the band twitter, and saw his twitter.
I would remind him of the rules, and that he should have informed you when he joined.
I would also remind him, that you expect his behavior on social media, to be respectful and not offensive.
I know teenagers will act like teenagers. But, this is where parental guidance comes in.
I would close with, "your social media behavior has not been appropriate, and I expect you to clean up your act. Failure to do so, will result in a loss of all your social media accounts".
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Post by anxiousmom on Sept 3, 2014 21:13:47 GMT
When it was my son, I chose to wait, watch and intervene only when I thought it was neccissary. I decided to let the language and things I find vulgar go so that I wouldn't lose the ability to know what it is going on completely. Last year, sent him a formal follow request, so he knew that I was actually following him...and he accepted it. And then promptly forgot because I never said anything about what he was tweeting.
I know that doesn't work for everyone, but I am of the teen parenting school that says keep as many channels of communication open as you can and chose your battles very, very carefully.
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Post by SabrinaM on Sept 3, 2014 21:17:43 GMT
Pick your battles. As you said, he is a good kid and I agree that teens need a way to vent and be teens. I would continue to monitor and if it gets any worse, then confront him. This is what I've been doing. My younger one started Skyping (apparently it's not just video chatting - you can type ) and I found out from my older one. I figured your 2nd choice was a likely scenario, so I have the older one doing the monitoring for me. While he may not tell me everything, he won't want his brother getting in any serious trouble. Little does the older one know, I have the son of a friend of mine monitoring him, lol. I would never put one of my children in the position of being a snitch on the other. I'd find another way. Op, I'd let him know you know about it and remind him of the rules. |
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cycworker
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Post by cycworker on Sept 3, 2014 21:28:10 GMT
When it was my son, I chose to wait, watch and intervene only when I thought it was neccissary. I decided to let the language and things I find vulgar go so that I wouldn't lose the ability to know what it is going on completely. Last year, sent him a formal follow request, so he knew that I was actually following him...and he accepted it. And then promptly forgot because I never said anything about what he was tweeting. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but I am of the teen parenting school that says keep as many channels of communication open as you can and chose your battles very, very carefully. That's how my cousin, her DH & I have been handling things with J since she got social media. She's 16 now and no big issues. Teens try on foul language. It gives them a feeling of being grown up. The thrill wears off after a time. Any employer or post secondary institution that doesn't have enough common sense to realize that is one I don't care to have my teen associated with anyway. Note I'm not talking about anything that crosses the line into violence against women, homophobia, racism. But giving the finger to The Scarlett Letter? No problem, imo. I certainly gave the finger to Lord Of The Flies.   |
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Deleted
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Apr 26, 2024 12:08:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2014 21:58:41 GMT
You say he's an overall good kid. I'd just keep an eye on his interactions and not saying anything unless the content demands is. It will give you good insight into what's going on with him, in a way you won't see if he knows you're watching. Some may be uncomfortable to see - language, etc. - but as long as it's not truly inappropriate, I'd let it be.
Also, your kid may not think about Twitter in the same way as Facebook and Instagram, so may not even think he is violating your social media policy.
Alternatively, you may want to have a "refresher" discussion about your social media rules and include Twitter. See if he tells you about his account and take it from there.
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Deleted
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Apr 26, 2024 12:08:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2014 23:30:46 GMT
Your (very sensible) family policy on social media is why many teens have abandoned FB and turned to Twitter and Snapchat. They don't want to be monitored and censored by their parents and other family members all the time. They start to be sneaky about it and create multiple accounts for different purposes. I would stay quiet about it and keep checking in with him. As soon as he knows you are reading his tweets, he'll make his account private or simply create a different account. I look at a bunch of my kid's friends' instagram and twitter accounts. It's astounding what some of them put on there - and their parents have no clue.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2014 23:37:15 GMT
For me, at this point the behavior on Twitter is irrelevant. The point is that you made your expectations clear and he openly violated them (as in, presumably under his own name, attached to the band where you could easily find him). I don't understand why there would be no punishment for that? Wouldn't he just assume that your other rules really don't apply to his life either? "I trusted you. You broke my trust. There will now be repercussions," vs. "oh well, it's not that bad, all in all." The whole "he will go elsewhere to post things" doesn't wash with me. It reminds me of the "I'll provide my kids alcohol at home so they won't drink elsewhere" theory. I know that's popular these days but I'm not in I would definitely talk to him first, though. "From following the band, I found your Twitter account, that you didn't tell me about like we agreed on. What's the story?" His answer and remorse level would inform my final decision. Everyone makes mistakes. |
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Post by ladytrisha on Sept 3, 2014 23:44:59 GMT
Just an FYI for those with the internet chats (skype, etc.) ... please watch your kids for behavior changes. Our son was chatting with someone and long story short, when she ended their "relationship/friendship", he went off the deep end. It took weekly therapist appointments for 6 months to get him off "his life was over" feelings ... thankfully he's doing so much better now and is back in college. We ran into friends recently and their son had just gone thru the exact same thing. It's scary stuff, but worth trying to open the line of communication without the accusatory stuff. I think acknowledging you know it's there is a good opening.
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Post by maryland on Sept 4, 2014 0:31:44 GMT
Our daughters 15 and 17 have Twitter accounts since they were 14 and 15. It's fine with us, they are great kids. They know that we can always check up on them, so they watch what they say! I agree that teens are sneaky, and if you don't allow that they will find something else. I also choose to pick my battles with the kids, so some things that I am not crazy about I will let slide. But it's your minor child, so you should do whatever you feel comfortable with to keep him safe regardless of what anyone else thinks.
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AmeliaBloomer
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Posts: 6,842
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Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Sept 4, 2014 1:43:58 GMT
...(one of his pics is him giving the middle finger to The Scarlet Letter, which I really can't blame him because that book is hideous). Ha! SO many people to flip off in that book. Damn long-winded Puritans.  |
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Post by octoberbeauty on Sept 4, 2014 1:43:55 GMT
I'm in the same boat; 15 yr old ds, just found out about his Twitter account. I'm just watching it right now. He's only posted (retweeted actually) one thing that I'm really disappointed in. I'm trying to let that go, and just keep an eye on him. He's also posted some good stuff that surprised me.  |
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Post by Tamhugh on Sept 4, 2014 2:14:51 GMT
I would never put one of my children in the position of being a snitch on the other. I'd find another way. Op, I'd let him know you know about it and remind him of the rules. When my boys were younger, I wasn't friends with either of them on Facebook. They were friends with each other and I had an agreement with both of them that I didn't want them "snitching" on one another, but that if they saw something they felt was dangerous I wanted them to tell me or another adult that they trusted. Older DS did come to us (and so did one of his friends) when they thought younger DS was depressed because of some postings. It made us keep a closer eye on things and I will always appreciate that they did it. On the other hand, one of DH's aunts was friends with older DS (he was probably 20 at the time) and she called me from several states away to say that she was offended and appalled by his language. By this time, I was friends with him and I didn't feel it was anything major. I let him know that it was bothering his great-aunt and he defriended her. He was the only one of that generation who had accepted her friend request in the first place, so she was upset when he deleted her. |
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 4, 2014 5:09:12 GMT
And remind him that everything on the Internet never really goes away so think about that when he is putting it out there!
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Post by Merge on Sept 4, 2014 10:50:30 GMT
I'll cop to being a parent who doesn't monitor her teen's Instagram account.
1. She is a good kid, generally. She makes good decisions in her interactions with peers and I have no reason to think she would stop doing so on social media. She is well aware of the dangers of the internet and isn't likely to be drawn in by some pervert.
2. I consider it the equivalent of having my parents listening to every phone conversation, round-robin note passing or giggle fest I had with my friends as a teen. This is how kids communicate with each other now, and they don't deserve to have it monitored as if they're in prison all the time.
3. The point that someone made above that if you monitor it, they will create another account you don't know about, is absolutely true. I don't think it's like serving them alcohol because they'll drink elsewhere at all, in light of reason [HASH]2 above. It is not illegal for teens to communicate with their peers. It is illegal for them to drink. Not the same thing at all.
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tiffanytwisted
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you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Sept 4, 2014 11:49:49 GMT
This is what I've been doing. My younger one started Skyping (apparently it's not just video chatting - you can type ) and I found out from my older one. I figured your 2nd choice was a likely scenario, so I have the older one doing the monitoring for me. While he may not tell me everything, he won't want his brother getting in any serious trouble. Little does the older one know, I have the son of a friend of mine monitoring him, lol. I would never put one of my children in the position of being a snitch on the other. I'd find another way. Op, I'd let him know you know about it and remind him of the rules. In trying to be brief, I didn't explain myself well. I would never do that either. My older one came to me because he had found some of his younger brother's conversations that he hadn't deleted. He didn't like what he had said, so he talked to his brother on his own. I was all set to approach the younger one, remind him of the rules, get his password, etc. when the older one himself offered to monitor. He knew once the younger one knew I was 'watching' he would just skirt around me. I did tell the younger one I knew what he had done, reminded of the rules and have left it at that. Older one isn't snitching. As he put it, he's watching out for his younger brother. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2014 12:18:56 GMT
I'm surprised no one has commented on the long term effects of his comments being in cyberspace as far as getting in to college, getting a job, etc. are concerned.
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) and I found out from my older one.
