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Post by chlerbie on Dec 11, 2017 3:41:28 GMT
I'm a little sad this year because dsd asked that we not exchange gifts this year. She and her husband are buying a house and moving in at the beginning of January and doesn't want "stuff" she has to move and is saving her own money for household expenses. I'm absolutely fine not getting gifts but I have a lot of fun shopping for her and it will be sad not doing it this year. We are going to gift them a GC for Home Depot, but it's really not the same.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:59:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 3:42:57 GMT
voltagain , do you suffer from mental illness? I can totally relate to your statement. I, too, feel like I am overwhelmed with emotion around Christmas. For me, though, it is in a positive way. But I do understand the feeling when it's negative as well. I also experience this. I understand very well what it's like to be completely overwhelmed by your emotions and not be able to control it. I am sorry Christmas and gift receiving makes you feel this way. To the best of my knowledge, no mental illness, and until about 2 weeks ago I would have said "no" to suffering from anxiety as well. Then my son called that my daughter in law needed to come home for a week, without him. I've met her twice before and she seems to be a sweet young lady but I speak NO Japanese and she speaks limited English. While getting ready for her arrival I realized I was suffering a great deal of anxiety over the language barrier and having someone else in my personal space for a week. It has been the same heart pounding, electric wire holding, out of control -of -my- life feeling I get around the holidays. A few years back my oldest grandchild was evaluated for autism (he is on the spectrum as mild to moderate) While taking a family history my daughter said the neurology team would REALLY like to meet me. Apparently some of my quirks raises flags I may be on the spectrum but I've never been evaluated. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 11, 2017 3:52:27 GMT
voltagain, interesting. Cognitive behavioral therapy has really helped me figure out ways to adapt. Because really no matter if it's autism or mental illness or just truly a one issue quirk the point is to try to adapt so it doesn't make the live current feeling worse. If knowing your gift ahead of time or even being able to help choose your gift alleviates some of that overwhelming emotion then I as a gift giver could definitely understand that request.
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Post by LisaDV on Dec 11, 2017 3:55:31 GMT
I’m in the hate surprises club too. I like ripping the wrapping off even if I know the present. Actually I like ripping it off more if I know what it is. I think of just gotten too many “what the heck” type presents. Plus the idea of someone spending $$ on a present that I don’t like/want makes me feel badly.
I’m sorry your son found out, but I think he will enjoy Christmas more knowing.
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Post by refugeepea on Dec 11, 2017 4:07:16 GMT
voltagain, do you suffer from mental illness? I can totally relate to your statement. I, too, feel like I am overwhelmed with emotion around Christmas. For me, though, it is in a positive way. But I do understand the feeling when it's negative as well. I also experience this. I understand very well what it's like to be completely overwhelmed by your emotions and not be able to control it. I am sorry Christmas and gift receiving makes you feel this way. I'll respond too. For me, it's not a "surprise" if someone buys off of a wish list. I open it and it's one of the things I was expecting. I don't like wrapping or unwrapping gifts. It's a waste of time when you know what you will receive. Sometimes I may not like the gift. I'm not a great actress. I'm afraid I'll be one of "those peas" that you hear about on a Christmas thread. "I made or bought xyz gift and they did not respond in the way I imagined!" I'm not one to jump up and down, cry, or scream if I'm surprised by an amazing gift. It's usually a simple thank you and possibly a hug. THEN you hear about exchanging of gifts. "I made a quilt from all of my deceased grandmother's dresses and my sister gave me GIFT CARD!" I am not the gift whisperer. I SUCK. I also CANNOT bring myself to tell the giver I do not like the gift/it does not fit/it's not my style. I was raised to accept what you get and do not complain. It took me a long time to feel okay about donating. For me, that's the only option. I could only say something if it came from my husband, but we're in agreement we don't care about gifts. ETA: I've always been this way. Hate shopping and hate wrapping presents. I won't freak out by a surprise present. My friends don't tell me what they are getting. I'd rather NOT receive stuff, but some people like to give and they get mad if you say no. |
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MaryMary
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Post by MaryMary on Dec 11, 2017 6:19:55 GMT
I grew up in a huge family. The way my mom did gifts was to take each child to the store individually, tell us our budget, and we would select our gift. We would go home and wrap it and put it under the tree. Birthdays were the same.
—So, as a result, I’m not great at surprises. Gift giving and receiving are a major stress for me because I don’t want to disappoint anyone on either end of the giving/receiving. (This doesn’t include my kids, though, I know them well enough that I love to pick gifts out for them.) Anyone else is pure torture. I don’t snoop, but gifts stress me out. It stresses me out that I am the one that has to come up with gift ideas for my DH’s side of the family. It stresses me out that I might not like the gift I am receiving and that I might not be convincing in my response. It stresses me out how much money might have been spent on something I absolutely didn’t want.
I’m just bad at gifts. You know those love language people that are all about gifts? I am the polar opposite of that.
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Post by elaine on Dec 11, 2017 11:31:33 GMT
This year, my younger son - the one who is intellectually disabled, in addition to having autism with anxiety and behavior issues - has found out what most of his presents are because the meltdowns are awful. I understand that the additional anxiety just isn’t worth it for him. I can relate so much to what you are saying! Except it's the higher functioning kid that has to know what she's getting. Her Christmas will be ruined if I don't get her the right Star Wars book.  The younger one does not care about things and is very low functioning. Probably balls from Dollar Tree once again. The oldest wants money. Autism has sucked the fun out of Christmas for me. It's a pain in the ass to do anything "fun". I'm glad you get your surprises from your husband at least. I'm like the rest of your family. I pick what I want.  It is not much different than a gift registry when people can see exactly what was purchased for them and don't want to receive anything they didn't choose. This year Christmas is overwhelming me. I have one adult spectrum son who always guesses everything and also provides a list. The other son just takes what he gets with few suggestions. Because I know so few of his preferences he ends up getting the same brand of clothes, for example. This year I really don't want anything but cash for a retreat, and if DH gives me cash well it will be coming from our already overstretched mutual account. I want a new pair of Colonial stays but I have to order them myself because they would not be able to be custom made by Christmas anyway. In response to your vent, I want to get away from surprises and just give each other a few desired gifts. I'm getting overwhelmed. I admit I am depressed so I'm finding it hard to do much of anything but even still I have got to simplify. I thought your son was going to say he knows he's getting tickets and he hates Les Miserables. THAT would be a big downer. (((Hugs))) to both of you! Autism brings its own set of issues to the holidays - it is always the most challenging part of our year. It is hard to not get overwhelmed and depressed as a parent because our holidays look nothing like how it was when we were growing up. I’ll admit to being extra worn out this year. I flew out to Los Angeles and cooked a whole Thanksgiving dinner for my mom and her husband and his adult kids the weekend before Thanksgiving and then came back and had to cook it all again at home. Dh’s sister wants nothing to do with us, so we do all holidays alone and I do all the cooking. Chanukah is tomorrow evening and I have to go shopping for the big meal this morning and am dragging my feet and hoping that there is a brisket left at Wegman’s because I put off shopping so long. |
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Dec 11, 2017 11:37:34 GMT
I’m sorry. That would make me sad too. We sacrifice so much as moms and we really don’t ask for much. You were really looking forward to this and I get the disappointment. I love surprises - I love getting surprised and I love being able to surprise someone else.
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Post by elaine on Dec 11, 2017 11:42:01 GMT
Thank you for all your input and thoughts. I know that gift giving and receiving are much more emotion-laden (a wide spectrum of emotions, at that) than one would think.
It is always good for me to hear from the “I don’t like surprises” people and read about your thoughts, feelings and experiences. It helps me to not judge my family. So, thank you.
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Post by lisae on Dec 11, 2017 12:32:50 GMT
My mom has now asked my sister and I to put together Christmas lists on Amazon. I think that is a wonderful option for those gifters who use it. Be sure to remove your items from your wish list if you purchase them yourself. (I'm not sure how it works, maybe they remove automatically upon purchase.) Unfortunately, my mother doesn't use a computer. She keeps getting her TV messed up and calling DH to help her with the remote control. |
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johnnysmom
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Post by johnnysmom on Dec 11, 2017 13:22:20 GMT
 I'm sorry it isn't working out as you'd planned and I get how that would suck. I don't have the autism issue to deal with but rather the they're-getting-older-and-their-list-is-getting-more-exepensive-therefore-not-leaving-any-room-in-the-budget-for-surprises issue. Totally not the same, but a bit of a bummer nonetheless. |
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Post by pattyraindrops on Dec 11, 2017 14:21:10 GMT
I'm another person who really doesn't like surprises, but I get why this would be hard for you. I'm really sorry that you had to go through this.
I've never really thought about why I don't like surprises, but many of the things said here apply to me.
I am the oldest in the family and I was very aware that my family didn't have money. I felt a real responsibility to help save money even though my parents didn't do anything, that I can remember, to make me feel the responsibility of it.
I'm also one who rarely gets very excited or emotional over anything, so I am very aware when opening gifts that people are watching for my joy, but even if I really love the gift I can't act like I do with any convincing - which is odd since I've been told I am a very good actor when things are not real. So it really bothers me to open a gift in front of a person, knowing that they will be disappointed with my reaction.
Then to top it off I am not a gift person. At all. If I open something up that I haven't planned for I stress about whether to donate it or not, where to put it in my house if I don't. It is a real burden for me to get things and to try and be excited over that is too much.
But really I think the big thing for me with surprises is a lack of control. I have a long line of controllers in my family. We are getting better with each generation, but it is still there. I don't like when control is taken away from me. I cannot stand it. If you give me a surprise then you took away my choice. It's not like that is what I am thinking when it happens. It's just as I evaluate it now that I am realizing what has been going on all these years. Yes, I can choose to keep it or return it or donate it, but I didn't get the choice of whether to have it in the first place or not. This answers so many things from over the years! Thank you for this thread.
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Post by christine58 on Dec 11, 2017 14:26:17 GMT
To the best of my knowledge, no mental illness, and until about 2 weeks ago I would have said "no" to suffering from anxiety as well. Then my son called that my daughter in law needed to come home for a week, without him. I've met her twice before and she seems to be a sweet young lady but I speak NO Japanese and she speaks limited English. While getting ready for her arrival I realized I was suffering a great deal of anxiety over the language barrier and having someone else in my personal space for a week. It has been the same heart pounding, electric wire holding, out of control -of -my- life feeling I get around the holidays. Sounds like anxiety to me...Maybe you need to see someone |
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Post by anonrefugee on Dec 11, 2017 15:05:48 GMT
And thank you, ladies, for responding. I always am curious to hear different perspectives. Me too. I have a nephew ( now an adult) who needs to know more information about gifts and the holidays, and vacations, he's also on the spectrum. We'd always thought this was just his personality. Reading this thread reminds me a little of how people differ in knowing the gender of their baby. |
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Post by myshelly on Dec 11, 2017 15:25:03 GMT
As someone who hates surprises, I understand your husband and son's point of view. In this case, take heart in how happy he is to receive this expensive gift and know that he has 2 weeks longer to look forward to seeing Les Mis. You were already listening to the music in preparation so apparently you were planning to enjoy those extra 2 weeks of anticipation, right? I don't want to hijack this thread but I am sincerely hoping you can explain so I can understand since you are the only response so far that has identified with Elaine's son. My cousin's son has autism too and he is very similar to Elaine's son in this regard. Why do you not like surprises? Is it fear of disappoinment? Or that you might be disappointed with the gift and then cannot hide it? Or is anxiety? Truly I have no judgement. I just want to understand this perspective because other than my cousin I have no experience with this. And I want to be sensitive to it. I hate surprises. I'll try to explain. Part of it is anxiety. I stress out about the money part of the equation. If someone gives me something I don't like they wasted all that money. I feel guilt because I'm wasting their money because I don't like it and I feel anger because they wasted their money on something I don't want when they could have given me something I actually needed. I feel anxiety about the giver expecting a huge reaction and me not being able to give a good reaction. I feel stress about whether I have to keep unwanted items/whether the giver will come to my home and notice their absence. Part of it is that I just really, really hate and resent gift giving between adults in the first place. So when you give me a surprise gift that I don't like it just magnifies that resentment. I already don't enjoy giving or receiving gifts so when I open something I don't like I can't hide the "see, this gift exchange was stupid" feelings. There's also anxiety about equal reciprocity. Have you ever seen the Christmas gift episode of BBT? I'm Sheldon. I constantly stress about what if they give me a very expensive, good gift and I got them some soap from BBW scenarios. I also stress about the scenario going the other way. What if I wasted money getting them a good gift and they give me crap? I shoulda kept my money and spent it on things I actually needed. The bottom line is it's just not fun for me. If someone says "I have a surprise for you" my reaction isn't excitement. It's "shit, now I have to think of something for them," but because it's a surprise I don't have enough information to figure out something appropriate in return. |
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 11, 2017 15:36:01 GMT
I can understand why you are disappointed the the surprise has been ruined, it would have been such a wonderful surprise! At least you know that he loves his gift. I agree. I'm sorry you are disappointed. |
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Dec 11, 2017 16:28:11 GMT
My DD doesn't really like surprises. I don't think she likes having the big emotions that come with a really good gift in front of other people. I was talking with her recently about how grateful her cousin always seems, and she mentioned that the right words never come to her like that.
I love surprises, but no one seems to want to surprise me. I always see the box or receive the confirmation email or see the charge. Or my mom isn't sure I'll like it, so she'll ask! She did that to me last Christmas - she gave me the coat she bought early so I could try it on.
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Dec 11, 2017 17:07:01 GMT
Being a straight forward person I'm sure I'd have said "Guess what, things aren't always about you. Once in a while they are about other people, and surprises are about ME, so suck it up, buttercups."And then I'm flounce out of the room.
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Dec 11, 2017 17:41:29 GMT
I will validate your feelings.
My husband and my girls have managed to suck all of the joy out of birthdays and holidays for me due to wanting to dictate what their gifts are. My husband, especially, wants no surprises. As a result, I feel like a servant shopping off a list. It's all about checkmarks, not an expression of love and caring. As someone whose love language is gift giving, when you are told they only want the things in the list, it's basically like telling someone whose love language is physical affection that, " The way you hug and kiss is wrong and here's a diagram on how you can hug or kiss correctly."
I am tired of my gifts only being items on my Amazon wish list and their refusal to do any more shopping or effort than that on my behalf. "I don't like shopping. I worry about getting the right gift. I am so busy." Guess what, buttercup? I am busy too. And truly, it's not the gift, it is the thought.
But I get it now. It's not about the thought and the love. It's about the particular item. Hence, why I feel like a servant when it comes to gift giving.
In every other way, my family is loving and caring, but when it comes to gift giving, I feel like shit. I am tired of feeling like shit. I am tired of trying to feel like the Christmas spirit and putting time and effort into it. So.
This year, I admit, I've pretty much crossed the line on the matter. I scaled way back on the number of gifts and amount of money spent. In many cases, I did not buy the item itself, I bought a gift card to the store where the item can be purchased -- they can stand on line and buy it themselves. I also did very minimal wrapping. No bows, no ribbons, no gift tags. Names are written on the packages in marker. That's it. Why bother to do more when you all already know everything you are getting? Seems like a total waste of my time to do more. Frankly, I do not know why, when I suggested we just forego wrapping and hand each other the gifts in the bags from the store or the Amazon boxes, why they thought that was horrible. I really don't get why it is horrible. What's the big deal about unwrapping stuff you dictated you wanted? You know what's inside the boxes. I don't get why I should waste time and money wrapping them. I could put fake presents under the tree if it's all about the pretty look.
Next year, I am planning on handing each of them an envelope of cash and the tree can be empty underneath.
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Dec 11, 2017 18:22:49 GMT
My Hubs enjoys surprises so I know I'm very lucky. We recently adopted a pair of chickens and he only knew it would be a new family member acted to make the 5 hour drive without knowing more than it was going to fit in a small pet crate. When we got there the giver added a small hen and we had just 1 crate,which the rooster wet in. DH held the hen for the trip home and she laid an egg in his lap! |
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Post by papersilly on Dec 11, 2017 18:40:52 GMT
i do not have a poker face and as i get older, it gets harder to hide my surprise. therefore, i don't like to be surprised. you know how they say that some people's voices go up a few octaves when they are not telling the truth? well, if you ask me "so do you love the gift?" and i'm feeling a bit surprised and not quite delighted, my answer will probably only be heard by dogs and cats.
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Post by myshelly on Dec 11, 2017 19:03:00 GMT
I will validate your feelings. My husband and my girls have managed to suck all of the joy out of birthdays and holidays for me due to wanting to dictate what their gifts are. My husband, especially, wants no surprises. As a result, I feel like a servant shopping off a list. It's all about checkmarks, not an expression of love and caring. As someone whose love language is gift giving, when you are told they only want the things in the list, it's basically like telling someone whose love language is physical affection that, " The way you hug and kiss is wrong and here's a diagram on how you can hug or kiss correctly." I am tired of my gifts only being items on my Amazon wish list and their refusal to do any more shopping or effort than that on my behalf. "I don't like shopping. I worry about getting the right gift. I am so busy." Guess what, buttercup? I am busy too. And truly, it's not the gift, it is the thought. But I get it now. It's not about the thought and the love. It's about the particular item. Hence, why I feel like a servant when it comes to gift giving. In every other way, my family is loving and caring, but when it comes to gift giving, I feel like shit. I am tired of feeling like shit. I am tired of trying to feel like the Christmas spirit and putting time and effort into it. So. This year, I admit, I've pretty much crossed the line on the matter. I scaled way back on the number of gifts and amount of money spent. In many cases, I did not buy the item itself, I bought a gift card to the store where the item can be purchased -- they can stand on line and buy it themselves. I also did very minimal wrapping. No bows, no ribbons, no gift tags. Names are written on the packages in marker. That's it. Why bother to do more when you all already know everything you are getting? Seems like a total waste of my time to do more. Frankly, I do not know why, when I suggested we just forego wrapping and hand each other the gifts in the bags from the store or the Amazon boxes, why they thought that was horrible. I really don't get why it is horrible. What's the big deal about unwrapping stuff you dictated you wanted? You know what's inside the boxes. I don't get why I should waste time and money wrapping them. I could put fake presents under the tree if it's all about the pretty look. Next year, I am planning on handing each of them an envelope of cash and the tree can be empty underneath. It's hard when people in a family have different love languages. I love my husband very much, but I would never, in a million years be able to come up with a good gift for him, no matter how much thought or effort I put into it. If gifts were his love language there is simply no way I would be able to satisfy him. The stress and anxiety would ruin the holiday for me. I buy my own presents, hand them to DH, and he wraps them. It takes away none of the fun or excitement for me. |
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Post by refugeepea on Dec 11, 2017 19:25:46 GMT
I buy my own presents, hand them to DH, and he wraps them. It takes away none of the fun or excitement for me. That's more than we do. We both agree that there's no point in wasting time to wrap and unwrap a present if we know what's in there. We buy what we want or need throughout the year. We did the gift thing for a short time when our kids still believed in Santa and felt bad we had nothing to open. Now that all the gifts come from us, it doesn't matter. We might get something practical for the house like a vacuum and steam mop last year, but we used them before Christmas.  Gifts are not my language at all. I don't mind being surprised but I honestly feel no different if I know what I am receiving. |
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Post by lbp on Dec 11, 2017 20:27:39 GMT
I like surprises! And though I have gotten gifts that just weren't "me" (Larry the singing lobster from my MIL one year) it is something we laugh about later. Guess what? I still have Larry (in DS's old room) I laugh about it. I just appreciate that someone thought of me. I was taught very early on that you smile, and thank the giver, whatever you get. Even the year I gave my cousin a big red fire truck with a siren and everything and he got me day of the week panties (Our mom's probably had a lot to do with that)
You know what I hate? DH making me feel bad because he can't think of anything to get me. So he complains to me about how hard I am to buy for. I give him a list. So easy. But he can't decide whether to get the blue fuzzy socks or the pink so he leaves without anything and comes home and complains to me about it. I would rather he just not bother.
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Post by ladytrisha on Dec 11, 2017 20:36:16 GMT
We've stopped gift giving, except for our son, so our tree is pretty naked underneath. He's 26 so when he puts a wish list together it's usually 1 or 2 items and he'll know he'll get it. No exception this year - how does one get excited about wrapping a 6TB external hard drive? ugh. Thus he gets silly legos to play with!
The dogs get amazon boxes so we find the happiness in watching them get new chew/squeaker toys. We've become those people! Hubby and I just aren't into things and with our last 3 years of chaos, a quiet day with each other is perfect.
I'm sorry your son found out his gift (it's an amazing one by the way) - enjoy the day when it gets there and make a real experience out of it - it'll make up for the non-surprise in so many ways.
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Post by elaine on Dec 11, 2017 21:11:27 GMT
I really love giving gifts. Love it. Even small things. My neighbor loves dachshunds - she has 2 - and they are her kids. She decorates for Christmas in dachshund. I was at Home Goods yesterday and saw really cute dachshund wrapping paper and thought of her. I bought it to give to her - that gives ME pleasure and I know that she will get pleasure in wrapping with it.
I give gifts because I am selfish, I guess. It gives me pleasure to think that I make someone smile for a moment or two. I don’t want anything in return. No stuff. None. What I want is for the receiver to just enjoy what I gave them. I don’t give gifts without a good idea that it will be used and liked. If I don’t know for sure, I gift card (for teachers, nieces, and nephews).
It is eye-opening that my spontaneous gifts, in addition to holiday gifts, might be causing stress - that was never my intent. I honestly don’t expect reciprocation, nor do I feel that I need to reciprocate if someone gives me a gift.
Again, I want to thank everyone who has responded so far. People have shared things that run deep and stuck to their own feelings on the subject. So much of what I love about this board is here.
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MaryMary
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Post by MaryMary on Dec 11, 2017 21:24:31 GMT
I don't think you are selfish for giving gifts. You are sweet.
Gift giving is super hard for me, but I envy those who do it well. I'm super bad at it, and I know it, and that is what stresses me out.
I would be disappointed if my teenager snooped and discovered his gift, too. I think your disappointment is natural.
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oh yvonne
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Post by oh yvonne on Dec 11, 2017 21:30:12 GMT
Oh, just ditto what everyone else said...
I stress out trying to surprise everyone and I'd be horribly sad if my big surprise gift were spoiled. <hugs> you two enjoy the show, what a wonderful thing for the two of you to experience!
I'm trying daily to win the lotto tickets for Hamilton here in LA. I've resigned myself that I'll probably not get to go, but yeah, I feel you on those ticket prices.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 11, 2017 21:39:22 GMT
elaine, I don't think you are selfish. I can understand the disappointment. You, refugeepea, mallie, all feel some serious legitimate disappointment. I would feel it too. The truth is some of my favorite gifts are things that I would have never tried for myself, but were gifted to me by others. I have also had some disappointing gifts too. You take a risk when you want a surprise. I know I can show sincere gratitude no matter what I get. I love choosing things for my children that I think they will love. I'm sure they've had some gifts they weren't thrilled about, but I spend a great deal of time choosing things for them. I enjoy teasing them by wrapping the gifts and putting them under the tree ahead of the holiday to build excitement. It is all part of the way that I enjoy my holiday.
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snugglebutter
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Post by snugglebutter on Dec 11, 2017 22:47:52 GMT
I was a gift peeker as a kid. I always laugh when people say that peeking ruins the big day, because it was SUCH a relief for me. One time I got caught and my mom said I wouldn't get the gift, but she didn't follow through. I guess she still wanted to have the element of surprise? She was also big into white lies prior to birthdays/Christmases to make me think I wasn't getting something, which bothers me on another level too.
A lot of my issue comes from some "surprises" during my childhood that were pretty traumatic. I get really anxious if people close to me act mysterious/secretive.
I will also say that as a somewhat shy person, gift receiving can be really stressful. I am not a gushy person in general and my genuine positive responses are sometimes seen as lukewarm or fake. At my wedding shower I overheard an older lady say "well, I guess she didn't like that" when I opened her gift. I honestly loved the item. (She did later tell my grandma that my thank you note was very sweet, so I guess I'm more of a written word person lol)
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Gifts are not my language at all. I don't mind being surprised but I honestly feel no different if I know what I am receiving.
