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Post by elaine on Dec 10, 2017 22:31:49 GMT
*** this is just a vent***
I know that there are two kinds of people (okay, I know that there are actually more - shades of what follows - no need to correct me) - those who like being surprised by what is wrapped under the tree and aren’t tempted to figure it out, and others for whom wrapped presents drive absolutely nuts.
The not knowing actually causes anxiety, and they would rather find out and get rid of the anxiety right away and not be surprised on Chanukah or Christmas.
I, personally like surprises. I have no urge to peek or shake or rattle. I love being surprised when opening presents. I also really like surprising others with presents.
My husband and boys are the other type. Most years I can just chuckle as dh tries to get me to guess what he’s wrapped for me and I won’t. This year, my younger son - the one who is intellectually disabled, in addition to having autism with anxiety and behavior issues - has found out what most of his presents are because the meltdowns are awful. I understand that the additional anxiety just isn’t worth it for him.
The real downer, which this vent is really about, is my older son, who has high functioning autism. He isn’t a kid that likes “stuff” - many of his presents over the past few years have been tickets to the Caps, Wizards, or Redskins, or Ohio State football.
He also loves listening to musicals on Apple Music. He knows all the lyrics to Hamilton, for example. Hamilton is finally coming to DC, but tickets in the back of the balcony start at $1000 a piece and we just can’t afford it. Les Miserables is coming too and playing from the middle of the month through January 7. Dh and I decided to get him a pair of tickets to Les Mis (I’ll take him) for his main present this year. Two tickets to Les Mis are the equivalent of a new laptop. But he has never been to a big musical before and my dh and I love theater and wanted to give this to him.
I was so excited to surprise him with this. I even ordered a Les Mis t-shirt that I planned to wrap and have under the tree for him, along with a printout of the tickets. Dh put it in his online calendar. Ds heard heard us talking about tickets, and then decided to snoop and stand behind dh and read his calendar while he was entering work events to his computer calendar.
I found out when I was cooking dinner last night and put Les Mis on as my cooking music - I have a Bluetooth speaker in the kitchen and love to cook to music. Anyhow, as it was playing, ds came in and said that he was excited that he was going to see it. With his autism, he can’t lie, so when I asked how he knew, he told me.
I am unreasonably sad that the surprise is ruined. And mad that I spent the effort to track down a Les Mis t-shirt to order for him. In my pissy moments, especially since I wrap 95% of the presents, including most of mine, I am thinking of just putting unwrapped boxes and piles of clothes under the tree.
Why waste the time, effort, and cost wrapping presents, if it just causes anxiety? I am the only one who likes the surprise.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Dec 10, 2017 22:37:47 GMT
Sorry. That's a hard one for you!
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Post by auntkelly on Dec 10, 2017 22:42:56 GMT
I hate it when my family sneaks around and finds out what I'm giving them for Christmas. At least your son's t-shirt will still be a surprise and I am sure he will like it if he is excited to go to the musical.
I'm like you, I love surprises, but one of my best friends doesn't like them at all. Her husband gives her money and she goes and buys her Christmas presents. She then brings them home & her husband wraps them. She gives him money and he goes and buys his presents and she wraps them. I would hate that, but it works for them!
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J u l e e
Drama Llama

Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 10, 2017 22:47:08 GMT
That is such a valid vent and I get it. I'm sorry you don't get to have that excitement of giving that you'd love to experience. It's such a great gift - the surprise factor would have been awesome!
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,948
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Dec 10, 2017 22:59:08 GMT
I hear you. No one in my family are snoopers, but I understand the disappointment of all the work that goes into Christmas that you want everyone to get the wonderful joy on Christmas morning.
You know your boys very well and your head gets why they don’t view the experience the same way you do. Your heart wants them to get the full OMG joy. Its ok to be disappointed your surprise didn’t work out.
I hope your son has a wonderful time at Les Mes. When you see the smile on his face, you will get to feel the really good feelings.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 10, 2017 23:02:51 GMT
Oh that is a tough one. The bright side of this is that it is an experience gift. So while the surprise is ruined, it really isn't because the giftee won't truly get to experience it until after the holiday and you will be right there beside him to experience it with him. I think actually that this is the perfect kind of gift for someone who doesn't like surprises because it is going to be an experience for him.
But yes, I feel your pain. My DH is a tough one to buy for. I hate to buy things if he isn't going to like it so I buy what he asks for and he has virtually no surprises. It feels a little disappointing to me because I love surprises. This Christmas he blew my surprise because he wanted to make sure he got the right thing. It is driving me nuts that I cannot play with my new gift and I have to wait until Christmas. I am impatient. So it is better I don't know.
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Post by chaosisapony on Dec 10, 2017 23:04:31 GMT
How disappointing. I find the most exciting part of presents at Christmas time is the anticipation of finding out what they are. I simply can't get my mind around someone getting anxiety because of it. Huh.
When I was a kid my mom had one simple rule for Christmas. If you peeked, she took the gift you saw back to the store. My mom is big on follow through and doesn't say something that she won't do. The threat was enough to keep my sister and I from ever wanting to peek.
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Post by baslp on Dec 10, 2017 23:16:28 GMT
Sorry that your son found out what suprise you had for him. He has great detective skills though.
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Post by baslp on Dec 10, 2017 23:16:57 GMT
Sorry that your son found out what suprise you had for him. He has great detective skills though.
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freebird
Drama Llama

'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Dec 10, 2017 23:21:57 GMT
I like to be surprised, but rarely am. My husband usually lets something slip or I flat out just tell him "this is what I'd like." My kids "get it" and they will surprise me with stuff so it's ok.
I totally get what you're saying. Most of Christmas for me is finding great gifts for my family and friends. Watching them open them and being surprised and loving it is pretty much all I want for christmas. (really). I'd be SO disappointed if I were you. I understand their issues and where they are coming from, but you should have a discussion with the oldest how it's very wrong and intrusive to go into someone's personal calendar and snoop. That's like reading someone's diary or going in someone's purse IMO. Just never, ever done!
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Post by refugeepea on Dec 11, 2017 0:03:03 GMT
This year, my younger son - the one who is intellectually disabled, in addition to having autism with anxiety and behavior issues - has found out what most of his presents are because the meltdowns are awful. I understand that the additional anxiety just isn’t worth it for him. I can relate so much to what you are saying! Except it's the higher functioning kid that has to know what she's getting. Her Christmas will be ruined if I don't get her the right Star Wars book. The younger one does not care about things and is very low functioning. Probably balls from Dollar Tree once again. The oldest wants money. Autism has sucked the fun out of Christmas for me. It's a pain in the ass to do anything "fun". I'm glad you get your surprises from your husband at least. I'm like the rest of your family. I pick what I want. 
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imsirius
Prolific Pea
 
Call it as I see it.
Posts: 7,661
Location: Floating in the black veil.
Jul 12, 2014 19:59:28 GMT
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Post by imsirius on Dec 11, 2017 0:06:22 GMT
My son snooped last year and knew all his gifts. I told him that he'd be sorry because he ruined the surprise of Christmas. Sure enough, on Christmas morning, he was underwhelmed because he knew everything. He watched as dd squealed with delight at things and he felt bad.
This year, he hasn't even attempted to know. Although he keeps asking me for hints lol.
I'm sorry your son ruined his surprise. It does suck the fun out of it for us as moms.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Dec 11, 2017 0:20:16 GMT
I get that you like to be surprised, but you already know that your DH and DSs are not like that. They aren’t unhappy and you’ve already said they don’t like surprises. I can see being bummed that you don’t get to share the anticipation of not knowing. But I wouldn’t be pissed that i couldn’t give them what they don’t want. The shirt will still be a surprise.
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Post by AussieMeg on Dec 11, 2017 0:23:56 GMT
I can understand why you are disappointed the the surprise has been ruined, it would have been such a wonderful surprise! At least you know that he loves his gift.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Dec 11, 2017 0:25:17 GMT
(((Hugs)))
It stinks that you don't get to see excitement that you worked so hard to plan.
I totally validate your vent.
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Post by lisae on Dec 11, 2017 0:30:22 GMT
As someone who hates surprises, I understand your husband and son's point of view. In this case, take heart in how happy he is to receive this expensive gift and know that he has 2 weeks longer to look forward to seeing Les Mis. You were already listening to the music in preparation so apparently you were planning to enjoy those extra 2 weeks of anticipation, right?
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Post by myboysnme on Dec 11, 2017 0:45:52 GMT
It is not much different than a gift registry when people can see exactly what was purchased for them and don't want to receive anything they didn't choose. This year Christmas is overwhelming me. I have one adult spectrum son who always guesses everything and also provides a list. The other son just takes what he gets with few suggestions. Because I know so few of his preferences he ends up getting the same brand of clothes, for example.
This year I really don't want anything but cash for a retreat, and if DH gives me cash well it will be coming from our already overstretched mutual account. I want a new pair of Colonial stays but I have to order them myself because they would not be able to be custom made by Christmas anyway.
In response to your vent, I want to get away from surprises and just give each other a few desired gifts. I'm getting overwhelmed. I admit I am depressed so I'm finding it hard to do much of anything but even still I have got to simplify.
I thought your son was going to say he knows he's getting tickets and he hates Les Miserables. THAT would be a big downer.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Dec 11, 2017 1:16:48 GMT
I get it and validate you. Dh usually lets me know somehow what he’s gotten me. I hate it because what’s the point of wrapping and waiting until Christmas day then. I’m sorry 
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 11, 2017 1:24:33 GMT
As someone who hates surprises, I understand your husband and son's point of view. In this case, take heart in how happy he is to receive this expensive gift and know that he has 2 weeks longer to look forward to seeing Les Mis. You were already listening to the music in preparation so apparently you were planning to enjoy those extra 2 weeks of anticipation, right? I don't want to hijack this thread but I am sincerely hoping you can explain so I can understand since you are the only response so far that has identified with Elaine's son. My cousin's son has autism too and he is very similar to Elaine's son in this regard. Why do you not like surprises? Is it fear of disappoinment? Or that you might be disappointed with the gift and then cannot hide it? Or is anxiety? Truly I have no judgement. I just want to understand this perspective because other than my cousin I have no experience with this. And I want to be sensitive to it.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Dec 11, 2017 1:33:35 GMT
We go a step further and try the clothes on at the store to make sure we get the right size etc. That was my mother's way of buying gifts. The only one who has a surprise for a gift is my father and it's a dress shirt which he asked for from this particular store and I had to go with his friend to make sure I got 20% off it. It isn't good unless it's a deal. I was standing in the store embarrassed to be asking for a discount on his shirt with my father's friend. They both buy expensive clothes but they are businessmen and they have to get a deal. The only surprise is I got 2 of them and I want him to throw out this one he has because I don't like it.
I am so used to there not being surprises that I am fine with it. I understand the surprise factor as my sister wouldn't go to bed on Christmas Eve until she had opened her stocking. It was called her Brisk Walk to the fire place. That was priceless!
I don't know what DS got me and I gave him and his girlfriend a really inexpensive thing I *really* wanted. It's not the cost and really she doesn't need to get me anything, but she is insisting. My dad didn't do any shopping this year. He was in Bed Bath and Beyond with me last week and was pacing all around. I told him to go out to the car and wait.
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Post by 950nancy on Dec 11, 2017 1:43:08 GMT
My sons used to be horrible snoops. If a package would come before I got home, they would find the store online and search under the weight categories. I was so thankful when I started using Amazon and there were too many things to consider. They would also type a Christmas list with very specific information, store SKU, price etc. Then they would make a copy for me and one for them. On Christmas they would bring out the printed list and check off the things they received and rate my skills. THEY thought they were hysterical. Now I can look back on those days and laugh. At the time, I was a little more frustrated. When I was young, I would carefully unwrap all of my gifts and rewrap them. I don't know what my issue was, but I rarely got caught. Now I make a list and usually get what is on it, so there isn't much mystery.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:53:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 2:28:51 GMT
*** this is just a vent*** I know that there are two kinds of people (okay, I know that there are actually more - shades of what follows - no need to correct me) - those who like being surprised by what is wrapped under the tree and aren’t tempted to figure it out, and others for whom wrapped presents drive absolutely nuts. The not knowing actually causes anxiety, and they would rather find out and get rid of the anxiety right away and not be surprised on Chanukah or Christmas. I, personally like surprises. I have no urge to peek or shake or rattle. I love being surprised when opening presents. I also really like surprising others with presents. My husband and boys are the other type. Most years I can just chuckle as dh tries to get me to guess what he’s wrapped for me and I won’t. This year, my younger son - the one who is intellectually disabled, in addition to having autism with anxiety and behavior issues - has found out what most of his presents are because the meltdowns are awful. I understand that the additional anxiety just isn’t worth it for him. The real downer, which this vent is really about, is my older son, who has high functioning autism. He isn’t a kid that likes “stuff” - many of his presents over the past few years have been tickets to the Caps, Wizards, or Redskins, or Ohio State football. He also loves listening to musicals on Apple Music. He knows all the lyrics to Hamilton, for example. Hamilton is finally coming to DC, but tickets in the back of the balcony start at $1000 a piece and we just can’t afford it. Les Miserables is coming too and playing from the middle of the month through January 7. Dh and I decided to get him a pair of tickets to Les Mis (I’ll take him) for his main present this year. Two tickets to Les Mis are the equivalent of a new laptop. But he has never been to a big musical before and my dh and I love theater and wanted to give this to him. I was so excited to surprise him with this. I even ordered a Les Mis t-shirt that I planned to wrap and have under the tree for him, along with a printout of the tickets. Dh put it in his online calendar. Ds heard heard us talking about tickets, and then decided to snoop and stand behind dh and read his calendar while he was entering work events to his computer calendar. I found out when I was cooking dinner last night and put Les Mis on as my cooking music - I have a Bluetooth speaker in the kitchen and love to cook to music. Anyhow, as it was playing, ds came in and said that he was excited that he was going to see it. With his autism, he can’t lie, so when I asked how he knew, he told me. I am unreasonably sad that the surprise is ruined. And mad that I spent the effort to track down a Les Mis t-shirt to order for him. In my pissy moments, especially since I wrap 95% of the presents, including most of mine, I am thinking of just putting unwrapped boxes and piles of clothes under the tree. Why waste the time, effort, and cost wrapping presents, if it just causes anxiety? I am the only one who likes the surprise. I do NOT enjoy surprises. Being blindsided by the contents of a gift is not my idea of fun. But, I still DO enjoy participating in the annual ritual of ripping paper and ribbons off a box. Just the anticipation of actually possessing the item and being able to use it sends a flood of adrenaline like hormones flushing through my system. Your sons likely still enjoy being part of the unwrapping ritual and get a large enough hormone shock as it is. You know what the tickets are, you are enjoying the music and anticipation of going. It won't be any different for your son to know what is in the box. He will still be surprised by the shirt and will anticipate going as much as you are.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:53:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 2:41:08 GMT
As someone who hates surprises, I understand your husband and son's point of view. In this case, take heart in how happy he is to receive this expensive gift and know that he has 2 weeks longer to look forward to seeing Les Mis. You were already listening to the music in preparation so apparently you were planning to enjoy those extra 2 weeks of anticipation, right? I don't want to hijack this thread but I am sincerely hoping you can explain so I can understand since you are the only response so far that has identified with Elaine's son. My cousin's son has autism too and he is very similar to Elaine's son in this regard. Why do you not like surprises? Is it fear of disappoinment? Or that you might be disappointed with the gift and then cannot hide it? Or is anxiety? Truly I have no judgement. I just want to understand this perspective because other than my cousin I have no experience with this. And I want to be sensitive to it. I have no idea what goes on with people with autism. I know for me, as holidays ramp up the anticipation sends my hormones into an ever escalating stream that lasts for days (weeks and a month or more in the case of Christmas) my heart pounds, my muscles feel like I am holding on to a low voltage electrical wire and it never ends... it just gets stronger and stronger and stronger until I literally ache. It is like I get 100 times the excitement load other people get. I end up physically ill over a long holiday build up. So, yes, my family tells me what my gift is. I often end up with smaller related gifts but since I wasn't expecting them at all until handed to me I can enjoy them without the build up. Just being allowed to actually hold them and use them gives me the same enjoyment the rest of you seem to get in receiving a surprise.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,556
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Dec 11, 2017 2:54:32 GMT
Totally valid vent.
I do think there's a middle ground re: types of people... I, personally, am in the middle. I don't want or need to know every gift. I just have this really need for the people closest to me to 'get me things from my list.' Do not ask me to take the time to make a list if you're going to go get me something radically different, because if I had known you were going to ignore my list, I'd have purchased a few of these things for myself.
One specific thing I'm having anxiety about re; whether someone got me the thing from my list is a Christmas ornament I want from Hallmark. It's part of a series. so I really, really want it. I go back & forth on whether to just go & get it myself & return it if I end up with two, and trusting the universe. I was VERY clear on the list that this particular series tends to sell out & not be available for purchase after Christmas.
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Post by lisae on Dec 11, 2017 2:55:06 GMT
As someone who hates surprises, I understand your husband and son's point of view. In this case, take heart in how happy he is to receive this expensive gift and know that he has 2 weeks longer to look forward to seeing Les Mis. You were already listening to the music in preparation so apparently you were planning to enjoy those extra 2 weeks of anticipation, right? I don't want to hijack this thread but I am sincerely hoping you can explain so I can understand since you are the only response so far that has identified with Elaine's son. My cousin's son has autism too and he is very similar to Elaine's son in this regard. Why do you not like surprises? Is it fear of disappoinment? Or that you might be disappointed with the gift and then cannot hide it? Or is anxiety? Truly I have no judgement. I just want to understand this perspective because other than my cousin I have no experience with this. And I want to be sensitive to it. So that we stay within the theme of the thread, I'll respond with why I don't like gift surprises. I hate to see money wasted on something that someone doesn't want. My mother still insists on gifting even though Dh and I have cut it out with each other and my friends and I never started it at Christmas. If mother buys me something I don't want, then I have to either 1) tell her so I can return it, if possible, and risk hurting her feelings or 2) keep the gift and know that I'm never going to wear/use it and it was just money wasted. She usually buys nice gifts so we aren't talking $20 out the window but sometimes $200. It isn't always the money, but the space an item takes up as I've received at least one piece of custom made furniture from my parents that was not a 'good' surprise. They have meant well over the years and gotten me many nice things that I enjoy but as I've grown older, I want less stuff. I'd rather have experiences or items for crafting projects which you just have to buy yourself. Also I shop online more and more and can get better deals that way. The ironic thing is that my parents are the ones who taught me to be frugal. DH has helped Mother with the surprises this year and I know what two of them are, one because I picked out the specific item and told him what website to order it from. I was home when UPS delivered it. Mother thinks he did all this himself and it will be a surprise. She has one gift though that he picked out and I have no idea what it is. He tells me it isn't returnable and I should keep an open mind. Oh, boy!
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Post by padresfan619 on Dec 11, 2017 2:58:31 GMT
I’m sorry you didn’t get to surprise your son. I’m very much a laid back can wait until Christmas Day type of person. I love to be surprised. My brother used to take a razor blade to his Christmas gifts to unwrap them and see what was inside. After my mom caught on the majority of the gifts didn’t make it out under the tree until after we went to bed on Christmas Eve.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,556
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Dec 11, 2017 3:00:04 GMT
As someone who hates surprises, I understand your husband and son's point of view. In this case, take heart in how happy he is to receive this expensive gift and know that he has 2 weeks longer to look forward to seeing Les Mis. You were already listening to the music in preparation so apparently you were planning to enjoy those extra 2 weeks of anticipation, right? I don't want to hijack this thread but I am sincerely hoping you can explain so I can understand since you are the only response so far that has identified with Elaine's son. My cousin's son has autism too and he is very similar to Elaine's son in this regard. Why do you not like surprises? Is it fear of disappointment? Or that you might be disappointed with the gift and then cannot hide it? Or is anxiety? Truly I have no judgement. I just want to understand this perspective because other than my cousin I have no experience with this. And I want to be sensitive to it. I'm not on the spectrum (at least that I'm aware of), but I'm not big on surprises where gifts are concerned, either, for all the reasons bolded.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 11, 2017 3:11:34 GMT
voltagain, do you suffer from mental illness? I can totally relate to your statement. I, too, feel like I am overwhelmed with emotion around Christmas. For me, though, it is in a positive way. But I do understand the feeling when it's negative as well. I also experience this. I understand very well what it's like to be completely overwhelmed by your emotions and not be able to control it. I am sorry Christmas and gift receiving makes you feel this way.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 11, 2017 3:20:10 GMT
lisae, that is a different perspective and I can understand that too. I don't have much money so often I have wants that I can't indulge. It is frustrating to receive a gift that you don't wish to have when there are other things you do wish to have. My mom has now asked my sister and I to put together Christmas lists on Amazon. So through the year I add stuff to my wish list and then make it public so she can see it. I don't know what she's giving but I do know that if she chooses things off my list I do want them. Maybe this would be an option for those who feel like you do. And here's hoping that calling on your DH to help this year you get something you do want.  Merry Christmas!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 11, 2017 3:23:01 GMT
And thank you, ladies, for responding. I always am curious to hear different perspectives.
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