rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,185 
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Post by rickmer on Dec 30, 2017 20:59:41 GMT
looking for opinions and advice on how to tell kids their parents are divorcing.
kids are 17 (girl), 12 (boy) and 10 (boy).
part of me thinks it might be best we tell them oldest to youngest, one-on-one. the idea of sitting all 3 down and telling them together is very daunting.
eldest is very emotional, youngest is very private and i am worried his concerns might got lost in her huge reaction. i have no idea what to expect from MS.
i do think they would respect request to not say anything to their younger sibling(s) until we can speak to each of them...obviously it would need to be done in a pretty short time frame as i want them to be able to lean on each other, if they choose. they are close.
i have doctor's appt next week to ask for a referral to a therapist on how we can best support them.
i guess i am wondering how divorced peas told their kids and if you had to do it over again, what you have done differently?
so afraid to hit the "create thread" button - i guess it all becomes real.
but it is real already.
**UPDATE** with thanks....
sorry i have been absent, each time i open this thread, i start to well up again and trying really hard to keep it together over here. we have a multi-family party we do each year that is tonight... we will speak to the kids likely jan 2.
a huge thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences. and also thanks for those that haven't had any experience but wanted to show support.
pls know how much it means to me to be part of such an amazing community during such a painful time. gotta run again.. i am wearing mascara and need to put a stiff upper lip for our new years celebration.
thanks again and wishing all the peas a wonderful new year! xoxo
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Dec 30, 2017 21:05:13 GMT
I have no experience or answers just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going thru this and that the peas are amazing and will give you some good advice!
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Post by KelleeM on Dec 30, 2017 21:05:18 GMT
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It's been a long time since I had to do it so I really don't have any advice; I just didn't want to read and run.
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Post by Zee on Dec 30, 2017 21:07:57 GMT
I'm so sorry  My mom sat down on the bed after the last big fight, where my sister and I were huddled together scared, and I told her she had to get a divorce. I was 11 and my sister was 6 when the subject first came up, though he didn't leave for a few months. I was very resentful and angry even though I felt it had to happen. It was a relief to have him gone but so sad at the same time. When my DH and I separated, I told them daddy and I would have separate houses but they would still see us both. They were 8 and almost 5. (DH and I did get back together after a year.) Your kids should probably be told together, with separate talks with each. They will want to know above all where they are going to live and why this has to happen, so maybe go into this thinking about how to answer those questions. |
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Post by hop2 on Dec 30, 2017 21:08:56 GMT
I wouldn’t have survived 2 tellings of it. ( I have 2 kids ) once as difficult enough. AND it’s the thing I will probably never forgive H for.
Unless your an incredibly measured person with some fierce self control I don’t really recommend the initial telling to be 3 separate times. But tell them. Then on a one by one basis - once everyone is calm then talk 1:1 ( or 1:2 both parents ? )?
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,486
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Post by tanya2 on Dec 30, 2017 21:12:03 GMT
I'm so sorry
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Dec 30, 2017 21:15:40 GMT
I'm sorry. I hope telling your children goes as well as possible, and I hope 2018 brings you all healing.
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,672
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Dec 30, 2017 21:17:05 GMT
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think it might be easier on you and the children if you told them all together. This might even work to reassure them that even though you and your spouse are getting a divorce, you are still family and there to support each other.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
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Post by georgiapea on Dec 30, 2017 21:32:21 GMT
I agree about the initial telling be all together. You don't want to set up a "You knew", situation. Then talk with each one addressing that child's method of processing information.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
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Post by azredhead on Dec 30, 2017 22:14:27 GMT
It would depend on your kids and how well you know their reaction, and ages. for my moms 2nd divorce (I was a toddler for the 1st w biological dad). I was 14 for the 2nd. Not a fun age anyway. And we moved to another state. They told us as a family. There were 7 of us. It was not well recieved. But the circumstances were very complicated. When she did remarry for the 3rd time she came to us individually because she married her HS sweetheart. She wanted opinions and we were a little older. So age plays a big factor as well. No matter how you go about it it's not easy for either. My heart goes out to you and your kids. I hope that good things will come from it.It sounds wierd to say that but sometimes it does. The only thing I do often tell people don't leave them out or keep secrets. Kids also pick up on stuff too. That never ends well. I hope for the very best for you and your family! HUGS!
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,157
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Post by scrappington on Dec 30, 2017 22:15:29 GMT
Your kids won't be shocked. Kids know.
I knew and honestly it was a relief when my parents finally decided to call it quits. I never had I wish mommy and daddy were together moment.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Dec 30, 2017 22:17:26 GMT
I have no experience but wanted to send big hugs your way.
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Post by mom on Dec 30, 2017 22:21:24 GMT
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think it might be easier on you and the children if you told them all together. This might even work to reassure them that even though you and your spouse are getting a divorce, you are still family and there to support each other. This is my thinking as well. I am so sorry you aren’t in this position. |
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Post by mnmloveli on Dec 30, 2017 22:24:59 GMT
No experience. Very sorry about your divorce, but I’m sure if it’s good for you, your children will come around slowly. ((HUGS)) to all.
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Post by papersilly on Dec 30, 2017 22:40:15 GMT
Your kids won't be shocked. Kids know. I knew and honestly it was a relief when my parents finally decided to call it quits. I never had I wish mommy and daddy were together moment. This was us when my parents divorced. We were just ready to move on with life. We never had any wistful moments where we wished they would stay together. They tried to "for the kids" and it fooled no one and everyone was unhappy. I think you should tell your kids when they are together. Being together gives them a sense of support. Strength in numbers. |
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Post by Pahina722 on Dec 30, 2017 23:42:22 GMT
Sending hugs your way! My divorce didn’t involve children and my parents are still married, so I don’t have any personal experience to draw on other than letting you know that having two separate but happy parents is ultimately the best thing for your kids.
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Post by littlemama on Dec 30, 2017 23:45:25 GMT
I would tell them together, then talk with each one separately.
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Post by Linda on Dec 31, 2017 0:08:36 GMT
no advise as I haven't experienced that as the child or the adult but wanted to send ((((Hugs))) and prayers to all of you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:26:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2017 0:10:38 GMT
So sorry you are going through this ((HUGS)). Sending prayers for your family.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Dec 31, 2017 0:13:32 GMT
DD asked me, so I didn’t plan it out. We were planning to do it together, but he kept flaking. She was 10 at the time, and her reaction was, “But dad never feeds me.” I think for the elementary aged kids, it is critical to make sure they know their needs will be met.
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Post by baslp on Dec 31, 2017 0:14:07 GMT
Wanted to also say I am sorry you are going through this. Finding a therapist to help everyone deal with this is a wonderful idea. Take care.
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Post by mlynn on Dec 31, 2017 1:14:19 GMT
Hmm...my post seems to have gotten lost in Internet Purgatory, so here I go again.
I would have a third, close adult there. That way if everyone falls apart, noone is left out. Is Grandma/Grandpa close to the kids? Is Mom's bff actively involved with the kids?
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 31, 2017 2:10:42 GMT
No advice, just hugs.
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Post by lucyg on Dec 31, 2017 2:15:57 GMT
No advice. Just wanted to say I'm sorry.
When my parents split up, they told us all separately (I think on the same day, maybe it took two days) but we were all young adults and living under separate roofs. Some were out of state. So, really not applicable.
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Post by mcscrapper on Dec 31, 2017 2:40:33 GMT
You sit them all down at the same time. No TV, no music, no food, no cellphones. Period. I say no food because one child might associate the next time he/she has that food, she will say, "The last time I had pizza, my parents told me they were getting a divorce."
You speak to them openly and honestly and stick to facts. You can say something like, "We have decided that we need to get a divorce. We are sorry how this might hurt you all and we love you all very much. No one is to blame and we both want each other to be happy. Mom will be staying in this house and dad will be moving to XZY. The only things that change for you is that you will now spend some time here and some at XYZ place." Tell them that there will be some adjustment period for everyone and if anyone would like to speak to a counselor, one can be arranged. Make sure you and dh actually have a plan in place for some type of visitation schedule and living arrangements before you do this. Y'all need to keep things as close to normal as possible.
Whatever you do, do NOT tell them that mom and dad no longer love each other or have fallen out of love. That will send signals to your younger child that mom or dad can fall out of love with him/her. Don't even bring love into the conversation unless you are telling your kids, "We love you." Don't say "We still love...." because that opens the door to the possibility of no longer being in love. I would also advise to not say things like, "we fight too much" or "we can't get along anymore."
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I remember telling my dd we were divorcing and I thought my dh was such a bonehead. He was a sobbing fool and was like, "I cant make your mom happy anymore...." My dd was in the 3rd grade and I had to be the level headed one and no a hot mess. What I really wanted to do was defend myself to his BS. Don't be that guy.
I also remember when my parents told me. I pretty much knew and wasn't surprised at all but I was also 18.
Hugs to you and your family. I know how hard this is. Your kids will get through this. It might be ugly for a while and your kids might seek someone to blame. That's pretty normal. Just BE there for your kids.
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Post by bc2ca on Dec 31, 2017 2:41:11 GMT
Hugs
My instinct is to tell them together and give them individual time as soon as you can. Even if they are anticipating this as a possibility, there will be a shock that this is real moment and they might not hear anything else you say after "divorce".
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Post by utpea on Dec 31, 2017 2:51:58 GMT
We sat both kids down together (they were 13 years old) and told them. We reassured them that they wouldn’t be moving or changing schools. I’m not sure there is a good way to do it. It sucked, BUT...
...being together in an unhappy household was much worse. It has been over 2 years now. All four of us agree that life is much better now and that we are all happier.
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kelly8875
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Post by kelly8875 on Dec 31, 2017 4:24:23 GMT
It was one of the worst things I've ever done, telling my kids we were getting a divorce. We chose to tell them together, they were 14 & 16. It sucked so bad. I couldn't have done it separately, I didn't want one to tell the other . I wanted them to both hear the same exact words and not get different stories.
We then talked to them separately after that, answering any questions or concerns.
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Post by LisaDV on Dec 31, 2017 4:43:47 GMT
No advice. Just wanted to say how sorry I am.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Dec 31, 2017 5:16:39 GMT
However you do it, whichever way or order you do it in, will be the right order for your family. Good luck at this difficult time. Here's to a very much happier new year all around!
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