|
|
Post by wezee on Dec 31, 2017 6:03:33 GMT
I didn't want to read and run. ((hugs))
|
|
|
|
Post by Hayjaker on Dec 31, 2017 6:18:07 GMT
We told our kids together and then met with them separately to process
One of the things we did right was have answers to their questions-where everyone would live, how their lives would change, custody, etc.
We were fact based like mcscrapoer above.
It sucked.
We had already worked out together how we would parent together. It helped.
|
|
|
|
Post by SallyPA on Dec 31, 2017 6:26:22 GMT
The 2 worst days in my life: when my parents told my brother and Me they were divorcing and the day I told my own children.
It's just so very hard. My kids were a lot younger than yours (6 and 4), and i just remember thinking to myself: I have one chance to do this right, I can never undo or unsay the wrong thing. My ex had been putting it off and off, and finally when he moved to the basement I just said its time to tell them. He chose not to be there, and I really resented that. It was a cherry on top of the whole clusterf$ck.
Are you very close with your daughter? Because she is so emotional and almost an an adult, I might choose to tell her first and alone and then tell the 2 boys together aimce they're pretty close in age. Then all sit down together. Keep it very simple and short and basic. The truth is really that you don't know, and that you and your sh may say and think one thing right now but all of it can change as time and life and situations progress. So just work very hard to keep their day to day lives, school, sports, extended family, holidays and bdays, very consistent right now.
I was 16 when my parents divorced. I had a lot of questions about who was taking me to school and managing my athletics practice schedule. And how would school events and even graduation and college look?
I remember coming to the peas during my divorce and I would just read the responses through a face full of tears. I received the best advice, true care and genuine compassion and am forever grateful for the pea support. I could write a book, as I'm sure most divorcees could. Hug hugs.
|
|
michellegb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,919
Location: New England and loving it!
Jun 26, 2014 0:04:59 GMT
|
Post by michellegb on Dec 31, 2017 12:31:18 GMT
I just want to tell you that I'm sorry that you are going through this. Sending hugs at this difficult time...
|
|
ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,066
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
|
Post by ddly on Dec 31, 2017 13:48:25 GMT
My kids were 17 and 19 when we got divorced. DH sent me an email saying that he had moved out and would gather up his other stuff later. He sent my 17 year old ds a text at school. He didn’t tell my dd. That evening the 3 of us sat down and talked. It was really for the best. They weren’t upset, they were relieved. My ex had stopped being a father to them years before and they were always an after thought. I could have been angry because he had clearly been planning this for awhile, but I was glad he was gone and I know,I never would have left.
Anywho, best of luck. My situation was different because y kids were older. I’m sorry you are going through this. Your kids know if you’re getting along or not. Reassure them that their needs will be met and honestly answer their questions.
Hugs,
Lisa G.
|
|
|
|
Post by alsomsknit on Dec 31, 2017 19:55:05 GMT
No advice. Just ((((Hugs))))
You may find they are already aware of the situation. I know we would have been much better off had my parents divorced much earlier than they did. I remember telling my best friend, when we were in middle school, I wished my parents would divorce. They were miserable, which made our growing up years quite difficult.
|
|
|
|
Post by SabrinaM on Dec 31, 2017 20:27:54 GMT
I told our girls at the same time. They're 16 and 12 1/2.
We've been separated for a month. I cooked Christmas dinner here at my house. It was probably one of the most peaceful Christmases we've had in years.
The girls are getting used to the transition. They're at the age where we have been letting them decide when they go back and forth. So far, they spend a week here, a week with their dad.
|
|
|
|
Post by Lexica on Dec 31, 2017 20:51:36 GMT
My parents sat us all down at the same time and told us together. The thing Mom stressed quite a bit was that even though they were choosing to divorce and live separately, they were still 100% both our parents that loved us unconditionally and that would never change. I appreciated her saying that at the time because I was about 7 years old and a bit scared as to what was going to happen to us. Mom assured us that we would remain in the same house, attend the same school, and have the same friends. My father was to get an apartment nearby and we would be staying with him on the weekends or any night that he wished to see us. Mom didn't have a specific set schedule for Dad to see us. She told the judge that we were his children as much as hers and that he was welcome to see us any time his work schedule allowed for it. Dad owned his own business and put in long hours, so we really only saw him on the weekends, and we went to work with him on Saturdays because his business was open and he needed to be there.
My parents were also very verbally supportive of each other after the divorce. They didn't see each other, but if any of us complained about the other parent, they would jump in and remind us that we owed that parent respect and that the other parent loved us very much. On the occasions that Dad let us down, Mom would remind us that Dad was doing the best he could and that we needed to be as understanding as possible while dealing with our disappointment. Dad was an alcoholic and would promise things and not follow through. I really respected the fact that they didn't speak negatively about each other and wouldn't allow us to either. And I am sure that is a huge factor that made it easier for them to remarry a few years down the road. Mom told us that she never stopped loving Dad, but that she couldn't handle his drinking behavior any longer. When Dad stopped drinking, they remarried.
My son was an infant when his father moved out, so he never knew his life any different than having his parents living separately. Unfortunately, my ex didn't adhere to my request to not speak negatively about each other in front of or to my son. My son doesn't see his father at all anymore and carries a great deal of resentment toward him for many things he did during my son's earlier years. Not things he did to me, but things he did to my son.
I highly recommend reminding your kids that you and their dad will still be 100% parents to them and that your need to divorce had nothing to do with them. I have a friend who wasn't told that and carried a lot of undeserved guilt around for years after her parents split up. She often thought if she had not given them such a hard time or tried harder in school, it would have taken some of the stress out of the house and they might still be married. Her parents fought over the kids quite a bit, which I'm sure led to her feeling this way.
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, and while you will probably feel quite crazy for a while, things will eventually even out and you will find a new and happy normal.
|
|
|
|
Post by sunraynnc on Jan 1, 2018 0:11:58 GMT
I'm so sorry. I believe I would tell them all together. The siblings will need each other.
Is there anyway you could tell them a little bit later than Jan. 2? Maybe I'm overthinking, but I just don't want them to have negative associations with Christmas. (If Christmas is an important holiday to your family.)
|
|
|
|
Post by lesserknownpea on Jan 1, 2018 9:45:15 GMT
My entire life, Sonny and Cher’s “You Better sit Down,Kids”, made me cry every time, no matter where and when I heard it. Thirty something lady crying in the produce aisle, that was me. And I was 6 when they divorced.
OP, I’m sorry, best wishes to you, and I love that you’re trying to plan ahead to minimize pain.
My advice: it’s not so much when and where you tell them, but you allowing them to talk freely with you whenever and as often as they need.
|
|
