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Post by gale w on Jan 7, 2018 19:14:07 GMT
I always make and send thank you cards for dh's side of the family (we don't send them on my side-we do a video chat and the kids thank everyone then). But every single time, dh's sister sends me a text saying "thanks for the beautiful card...but WHY??". It says thanks right on the card so she obviously knows it's a thank you card. When we get the gift from them, we don't see them, so we don't say thank you in person. Would you keep sending a card? I guess this response just puts me off a little. And confuses me.
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Post by librarylady on Jan 7, 2018 19:17:31 GMT
She asks you why you sent a thank you card?
Perhaps she thinks that is too "formal" for a gift from family. That is the only idea I have.
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Post by beachhappy22 on Jan 7, 2018 20:05:58 GMT
I'm guessing that she appreciates the time and beauty of a hand made card and is thanking you for that.
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691 
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Jan 7, 2018 20:16:35 GMT
I always make and send thank you cards for dh's side of the family (we don't send them on my side-we do a video chat and the kids thank everyone then). But every single time, dh's sister sends me a text saying "thanks for the beautiful card...but WHY??". It says thanks right on the card so she obviously knows it's a thank you card. When we get the gift from them, we don't see them, so we don't say thank you in person. Would you keep sending a card? I guess this response just puts me off a little. And confuses me. I have found this type of response only comes from those who are jealous or insecure. Oh, you homemade pie crust? But why??? You know you can just buy it, right? (subtle put-down) You scrapbook? But WHY?  (subtle put down to make you feel stupid) The question is designed to make you uncomfortable. The caps and question marks are proof it's not a genuine curiosity; it's designed to make you squirm and make you explain your choices. To justify something that is not a necessity, so they can further put you down. It's usually follwed with, oh I just don't have that kind of time (another way to say it's a waste). At least that's my experience with jealous women and my Martha talents. 😂 |
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milocat
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Post by milocat on Jan 7, 2018 20:26:57 GMT
I always make and send thank you cards for dh's side of the family (we don't send them on my side-we do a video chat and the kids thank everyone then). But every single time, dh's sister sends me a text saying "thanks for the beautiful card...but WHY??". It says thanks right on the card so she obviously knows it's a thank you card. When we get the gift from them, we don't see them, so we don't say thank you in person. Would you keep sending a card? I guess this response just puts me off a little. And confuses me. I'm guessing that she appreciates the time and beauty of a hand made card and is thanking you for that. No I'm thinking she is saying it's a nice card but why are you bothering to send one. I don't think she appreciates the time or beauty of homemade cards. Even more I think she is thinking why would you bothering sending a card, she'd say why even if it was a store bought card. What an odd thing to text someone, even if you aren't into sending thank you cards i wouldn't be rude about it. |
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jan 7, 2018 20:57:54 GMT
Sweet as pie say , because we love you!!
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Post by Really Red on Jan 7, 2018 21:07:00 GMT
I always make and send thank you cards for dh's side of the family (we don't send them on my side-we do a video chat and the kids thank everyone then). But every single time, dh's sister sends me a text saying "thanks for the beautiful card...but WHY??". It says thanks right on the card so she obviously knows it's a thank you card. When we get the gift from them, we don't see them, so we don't say thank you in person. Would you keep sending a card? I guess this response just puts me off a little. And confuses me. I have found this type of response only comes from those who are jealous or insecure. Oh, you homemade pie crust? But why??? You know you can just buy it, right? (subtle put-down) You scrapbook? But WHY? (subtle put down to make you feel stupid) The question is designed to make you uncomfortable. The caps and question marks are proof it's not a genuine curiosity; it's designed to make you squirm and make you explain your choices. To justify something that is not a necessity, so they can further put you down. It's usually follwed with, oh I just don't have that kind of time (another way to say it's a waste). At least that's my experience with jealous women and my Martha talents. 😂 So what is the right response to this? I have had people say it to me, and I'd love to have a better response that my current sad one ("Uh. I like to."). For you, gale w I'd be tempted to answer her text with "Are you asking me why I'm teaching my children to thank people for a gift?" but then I might fall into the bad category with that!  |
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Post by disneypal on Jan 7, 2018 21:09:07 GMT
I think she just means - it was nice of you to send the card but it wasn't necessary. I would keep sending them, since you don't thank them over the phone or in person
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Jan 7, 2018 21:17:07 GMT
I think she just means - it was nice of you to send the card but it wasn't necessary. I would keep sending them, since you don't thank them over the phone or in person . This was my thought also. |
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Jan 7, 2018 21:29:19 GMT
But every single time, dh's sister sends me a text saying "thanks for the beautiful card...but WHY??". Since she says it every single time, then it's an obvious put down. In my world that would qualify as a stupid comment. I don't acknowledge or respond to stupid comments. Your best course of action would be to just ignore her and continue to send a thank you if you so choose. |
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Post by Lexica on Jan 7, 2018 21:35:15 GMT
I would because it would feel weird not to thank them. I would tell her the cards were to let her know her gift arrived and that it was very much appreciated. I would add a few lines telling them how the person is using it or their reaction when they opened it - which I am guessing you already do. That's pretty simple. I don't understand why she is questioning it.
If she is really bothered by the cards, can you just call them instead?
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Jan 7, 2018 21:48:03 GMT
If it's someone I want to keep the peace with, I smile and say because I enjoy making and sending cards.  If it's someone I've absolutely had enough of, I flip the stupid questions back at them. "What do you mean why?" "Well it just seems silly to waste time making cards." "How so?" "Well I just don't have that kind of time you seem to have." "Yeah, we all spend time differently. I prefer making things to show people I appreciatiate their gifts. You like TV dramas. To each their own."(big fat cheeky smile) They usually stop the stupid questions when I put them on the spot like that. |
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PrettyInPeank
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Jan 7, 2018 22:03:38 GMT
I don't understand why she is questioning it. No one is so stupid they don't know what a thank you card is. And the the card's text likely thanked her for the specific gift, so there is literally no reason to ask why it was sent. She is questioning to be a snot. It's a passive-agressive comment. She is trying to make OP feel stupid for making a (most likely) beautiful card and taking the time to send it, which makes her SIL feel inferior or jealous. So to make herself feel better, she tries to confuse OP and make her question herself. Which she has suceeded at because she's posting here now wondering wtf? I would not be the least surprised if this SIL is also a tad dramatic, a little bit of a show-off, and kind doesn't like OP out of jealousy. |
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jan 7, 2018 22:27:38 GMT
Or answer "It is the right/proper thing to do!"
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artsydaisy
Full Member
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Jul 1, 2014 4:55:48 GMT
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Post by artsydaisy on Jan 7, 2018 22:36:48 GMT
This demands a text back: "well bless your heart!"
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Post by crittsmom on Jan 8, 2018 1:57:22 GMT
I'm guessing that she appreciates the time and beauty of a hand made card and is thanking you for that. I would think that she is just letting you know that she received the card and wants you to know that she appreciates the thought and time you have put into it. |
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cycworker
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Post by cycworker on Jan 8, 2018 9:19:20 GMT
I don't think it's about the fact that the cards are homemade. I think that she's likely similar to me... she views thank you cards as a very formal thing that really only belong in more formal relationships and/or situations. She just wasn't brought up to see thank you cards as something that gets sent to close/immediate family, unless it's a formal event like a graduation, a wedding or a bridal/baby shower. But for something that happens with the regularity of Christmas or someone's birthday, you don't send a thank you card. You make a phone call or send a text/quick email, if you didn't thank the person when the gift was dropped off.
She probably feels awkward because your dh & her were raised less formally & she'd prefer not the be that formal. She's trying to tell you that you can relax & you don't have to work so hard/treat her so formally.To be honest, I am the same way; thank you cards, in my world, are for people with whom you have a more formal, distant relationship.
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Post by gale w on Jan 8, 2018 9:41:11 GMT
I think some of you might be right about it being more formal than she's used to. DH's family members are all very non formal folks. I think I will just continue to make and send cards and just disregard the texts. I think she does appreciate it but doesn't know what to say.
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JustTricia
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Post by JustTricia on Jan 8, 2018 11:32:34 GMT
I may have missed it, but is there a reason why your kids call your side of the family and send than you cards to the other? Maybe she’d prefer a phone call to talk to the kids?
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Post by gale w on Jan 8, 2018 20:07:21 GMT
I may have missed it, but is there a reason why your kids call your side of the family and send than you cards to the other? Maybe she’d prefer a phone call to talk to the kids? We call my side because they all live about 2000 miles away. We see this SIL at least monthly. I don't think she would prefer a phone call, to be honest. I hate to send the other in laws thank you cards and not her so I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. |
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Jan 8, 2018 20:22:44 GMT
I feel whether she is asking WHY to be nice or to be insulting, she’s still not “receiving” the card. That’s the WHY I’m wondering.
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pudgygroundhog
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Jan 8, 2018 20:34:24 GMT
That's an odd response. Why would you put somebody down or make a rude remark when they do something nice like send a thank you card? It's one thing if she said "thanks for the beautiful card - totally unnecessary, but I really appreciate it!" if she felt it was too formal, but her response is not nice. I would be tempted to send a singing telegram next time.  |
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Post by mrssmith on Jan 8, 2018 21:01:47 GMT
I always make and send thank you cards for dh's side of the family (we don't send them on my side-we do a video chat and the kids thank everyone then). But every single time, dh's sister sends me a text saying "thanks for the beautiful card...but WHY??". It says thanks right on the card so she obviously knows it's a thank you card. When we get the gift from them, we don't see them, so we don't say thank you in person. Would you keep sending a card? I guess this response just puts me off a little. And confuses me. I wouldn't keep sending her a card. I'd send her a thank you text. Send a card to the in-laws. |
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Post by busy on Jan 8, 2018 21:23:36 GMT
I think she doesn't think thank you notes are necessary between family members and is telling you - indirectly and in a weird way - that you don't need to send them to her.
I probably wouldn't keep sending them because I am guessing they make her feel badly for not sending them herself. I'd just do a phone call like you do with your family.
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mimima
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Posts: 5,213
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Post by mimima on Jan 9, 2018 0:00:06 GMT
I think she is acknowledging receipt and thanking you.
I also think that it is important and thoughtful to send cards and would continue. That's just me, though.
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Post by AussieMeg on Jan 9, 2018 0:48:25 GMT
I'm guessing that she appreciates the time and beauty of a hand made card and is thanking you for that. I would think that she is just letting you know that she received the card and wants you to know that she appreciates the thought and time you have put into it. It's a nice thought from both of you, but no, that's really NOT what the SIL means. The first part ("Thanks for the beautiful card") seems nice and appreciative, but the second part ("but WHY?") is most definitely a smart arse comment that removes all feelings of appreciation. |
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(subtle put down to make you feel stupid)
