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Post by miranda on Jan 10, 2018 20:50:26 GMT
So many things are playing into it I think and i'm having trouble sorting out why I feel the way I do. I'm hoping the peas can give me some of their perspective.
I know for a fact this plays into the situation. I have a terrible relationship with my mother to this day. She dictated (and I mean dictated) how things were going to be. Until I was married there was no overnights with a boyfriend, etc. I have adult kids and she's still very controlling and judgmental. With her things are about how things look to the outside.
So the situation is this. I've always said my kids are welcome to live here, save money, etc, but they can't drag home girlfriends/boyfriends. I'm more of a fan of having a relationship rather than random hookups. There's a bit of an age gap between oldest and youngest so it made perfect sense that you wouldn't want to expose younger ones to co-ed sleepovers. I was strict about it.
Now the youngest two are 18 and 21. ds is 21, works full-time, is saving his money hoping to buy a house. He's very responsible, works about 60 hours a week. He has a girlfriend who comes from a bad situation so she's been staying with us. It was supposed to be temporary, but to be honest I don't see things changing much. The problem comes in with ds wants to take little trips here and there with her, which is making me a little annoyed. That's where I need perspective.
So the reasons I think it's annoying me is 1) 18 yo presses me to stay with her boyfriend and this gives her more ammo. Her boyfriend is a tool, they break up constantly and i'm concerned about her whereabouts because of the instable relationship. Trust me i'm rightfully concerned about her. I'm hoping the latest breakup is the final one. 2) While I guess i'm ok with the situation of her staying because there's not much choice for her and she's nice enough. I have concerns for both of them, like she's way too dependent on a guy, which I don't like for HER. And then we have it from the perspective that ds could feel pretty responsible for her and they haven't been dating overly long. I don't want to push him out the door because he's definitely on the way to good things. At the same time it's like he's playing house while getting the benefits of living at home and it circles back around to it makes it harder for me with younger dd.
I really don't know how to sort out all my feelings about this. So many things playing into it, my relationship with my mother, relationships in the house and with dd. I feel like i'm seeing it from a bunch of angles, but not really coming up with a how to deal with it all and make peace with it all.
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Post by mom on Jan 10, 2018 20:57:38 GMT
How old is DS girlfriend? Is she not old enough to live elsewhere (and still not go back to her bad situation)?
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Post by mellowyellow on Jan 10, 2018 20:59:07 GMT
ds is 21, works full-time, is saving his money hoping to buy a house. He's very responsible, works about 60 hours a week. He has a girlfriend who comes from a bad situation so she's been staying with us. It was supposed to be temporary, but to be honest I don't see things changing much. The problem comes in with ds wants to take little trips here and there with her, which is making me a little annoyed. That's where I need perspective. I guess maybe I'm missing something because if the gf already lives with you....why is it a problem if ds goes on a trip with her? |
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Post by kels99 on Jan 10, 2018 21:00:21 GMT
I think there is a big difference between an 18 year old and a 21 year old. I don't see a problem with older kids getting more freedom.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jan 10, 2018 21:03:37 GMT
My kids are younger so I don't have any experience, however, I think there's a big difference between an occasional overnight and basically moving in. If they want to co-habitate, fine, they can do it in their own apartment. If he wants to live at home, assuming you are ok with that, then he can't also have a roommate. Is the 18yo in high school? While 18 is technically an adult, I do think that being in high school limits that a bit and there shouldn't be a huge difference between 17 & 18. Therefore saying no overnights until after graduation could be the 'rule'.
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Post by mom on Jan 10, 2018 21:05:36 GMT
ds is 21, works full-time, is saving his money hoping to buy a house. He's very responsible, works about 60 hours a week. He has a girlfriend who comes from a bad situation so she's been staying with us. It was supposed to be temporary, but to be honest I don't see things changing much. The problem comes in with ds wants to take little trips here and there with her, which is making me a little annoyed. That's where I need perspective. I guess maybe I'm missing something because if the gf already lives with you....why is it a problem if ds goes on a trip with her? Her daughter is 18 and wants to go with her boyfriend. SaveSave |
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Post by hop2 on Jan 10, 2018 21:07:01 GMT
I think there is a big difference between an 18 year old and a 21 year old. I don't see a problem with older kids getting more freedom. yea that |
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Post by smokeynspike on Jan 10, 2018 21:08:08 GMT
At barely 18 I went off to college so I didn't have rules like that, but I think it is one thing to restrict who your kids invite to sleepover at your own house but another entirely to control if they want to stay at someone else's home or go on a trip with their partners. Once they've hit 18 and are out of high school and are legal adults I would try to curb the controlling behavior. At that point you are trying to guide them or give advice but ultimately their choices are there own.
I think that what happens at your house is your business. Otherwise, nope.
Melissa
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Post by mellowyellow on Jan 10, 2018 21:09:41 GMT
I guess maybe I'm missing something because if the gf already lives with you....why is it a problem if ds goes on a trip with her? Her daughter is 18 and wants to go with her boyfriend. SaveSaveI get that part but to me 18 and 21 are very different. I feel the 21 year old should get more freedom. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jan 10, 2018 21:14:04 GMT
At barely 18 I went off to college so I didn't have rules like that, but I think it is one thing to restrict who your kids invite to sleepover at your own house but another entirely to control if they want to stay at someone else's home or go on a trip with their partners. Once they've hit 18 and are out of high school and are legal adults I would try to curb the controlling behavior. At that point you are trying to guide them or give advice but ultimately their choices are there own. I think that what happens at your house is your business. Otherwise, nope. Melissa This is my take as well. I'm a little confused on why you're comfortable with the gf moving into your house but " The problem comes in with ds wants to take little trips here and there with her, which is making me a little annoyed". To me a 21 year old wanting to go on a trip with their girlfriend is pretty normal and an earlier step than moving in together. |
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Post by Zee on Jan 10, 2018 21:16:18 GMT
So gf lives there, but you have a problem with 21 y/o adult DS going on trips with her? That sounds odd, to be honest.
And no, I did not feel the need to tell my 18 y/o DD she couldn't stay over at her bf's house (but she had already graduated by that age).
I get wanting control over who is in your house, but you need to cut the cord and let them fly. My kids are 19 and 23, I've been through this. The only rule I have is that bf/gf can only stay over on a Saturday unless we've discussed it in advance. Random people not allowed because I don't want strangers in my house (though they're good kids, this really hasn't been an issue).
Not sure what any of this has to do with your mother?
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jan 10, 2018 21:25:12 GMT
The problem comes in with ds wants to take little trips here and there with her, which is making me a little annoyed. Do you think he should be saving ALL of his money and not 'wasting' it on trips with girlfriend? |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Jan 10, 2018 22:50:06 GMT
I also don't see why your DS traveling with his GF should annoy you... unless, like someone else said, you think he should be saving money, or because you unconsciously disapprove of the girl, or something.
If they both seem like mature young people (and he sounds like he is, working that much, and living at home to save $$), isn't their maturity what's important, rather than the length of time they've been together? From your comment about 'playing house without the expenses' it sounds like for some reason you resent her staying with you. Is she staying there pretty much permanently without paying any of her expenses?? how long is 'a while' if she's been staying with you a while-- do you expect that they'll just 'fall into' living together while in your house, until he saves the $$ to buy a house of his own, at which point she'll move into the house with him?
As to your daughter-- If you're letting the son's GF stay with you because of her bad home situation, well, then, it's NOT the same thing when your daughter wants to go stay over with her BF. You said you're letting the GF stay there because she has a horrible home life, not because your DS just wants to have her over once in a while. Your daughter's situation with her boyfriend isn't the same. I don't see the situations as equal, so I wouldn't have any problem saying no to the daughter's request in that situation.
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Post by miranda on Jan 10, 2018 23:10:07 GMT
How old is DS girlfriend? Is she not old enough to live elsewhere (and still not go back to her bad situation)? She's just turned 19, no license, no money. Parents have issues - alcoholism, sketchy work history, took her paychecks. Unfortunately the extended family isn't that stable so ds asked if she could stay here part of the time, which she is (separate rooms.) I'm not naïve and I get the wanting to go away I guess, but it makes things difficult with my dd (and she's already difficult!) Plus I guess I thought the parent situation might resolve. Had hoped they'd see some ways they could treat their dd better and she'd go home. Guess i'm just struggling with my feelings and trying to find a balance. I was always adamant I wasn't going to be one of those parents who was taking in other people's kids. I didn't see this one coming and i'm struggling to find my balance. |
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Post by miranda on Jan 10, 2018 23:25:28 GMT
I also don't see why your DS traveling with his GF should annoy you... unless, like someone else said, you think he should be saving money, or because you unconsciously disapprove of the girl, or something. If they both seem like mature young people (and he sounds like he is, working that much, and living at home to save $$), isn't their maturity what's important, rather than the length of time they've been together? From your comment about 'playing house without the expenses' it sounds like for some reason you resent her staying with you. Is she staying there pretty much permanently without paying any of her expenses?? how long is 'a while' if she's been staying with you a while-- do you expect that they'll just 'fall into' living together while in your house, until he saves the $$ to buy a house of his own, at which point she'll move into the house with him? As to your daughter-- If you're letting the son's GF stay with you because of her bad home situation, well, then, it's NOT the same thing when your daughter wants to go stay over with her BF. You said you're letting the GF stay there because she has a horrible home life, not because your DS just wants to have her over once in a while. Your daughter's situation with her boyfriend isn't the same. I don't see the situations as equal, so I wouldn't have any problem saying no to the daughter's request in that situation. I think this plays a big part for me too. dd thinks she should do whatever she pleases and is pretty relentless. She regularly drives me to the brink of insanity so this just gives her one more thing to try to use to get her way. The other part I guess is that I thought the situation would be short lived and she'd be living with an Aunt, which isn't working out so much. So i'm not sure where things will go from here, it seems like it will be long term possibly. I like her - she's sweet, helpful and gotten a raw deal. Like I mentioned though it concerns me though that she's fairly reliant on ds. She went from controlling parents to being reliant on ds, which I don't think is good for any girl/woman. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jan 10, 2018 23:30:45 GMT
I think I understand better - as you've brought her into your home in a separate bedroom as she had no where else to go, NOT to "live with her boyfriend" - the trips are a more traditional couple going away than her actually living there which is why your daughter is using them as "ammunition." Is that accurate? Is your daughter still in high school or has she graduated?
In my opinion, a different set of rules and expectations for a high schooler and a 21 year old adult are appropriate. She can whine about her brother all day long, but I wouldn't allow her to manipulate the situation and create conflict between me and my son because she's a brat. If she's graduated from high school, I would not be dictating where she chooses to over night - I would implement common courtesy rules so that there's no confusion about where people are spending the night. I understand that you do not like her boyfriend, in my experience, the more you try and end the relationship the longer she'll hold onto him.
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Post by mom on Jan 10, 2018 23:31:28 GMT
I’m on my phone and it won’t quote right...but if you’re worried about her being too reliant on DS then help her become more independent. Help her get her license. Talk to her about saving money, get a job. Etc. This is your chance to have a positive impact on a young woman - teach her how to be independent. She most likely has never had a strong female role model.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jan 10, 2018 23:33:59 GMT
As to your concerns about the girlfriend's reliance on your son, I would encourage her to take necessary steps towards independence as I encourage any young woman who crosses my path. I'd talk to her about her long term plans, encourage schooling, job training, etc. But it really doesn't have anything to do with your daughter or their trips and I certainly wouldn't link them.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Jan 10, 2018 23:52:29 GMT
I think you could sit down with DS and GF and discuss the situation. How long do they think she will be staying? What can she contribute to the household? Treat them like adults and they may just respond like adults.
As for the trips, I don't see that as a big deal. Everyone needs a little time off and it sounds like DS works hard otherwise, so let him have the time. Also, if GF was not living there they would probably be taking the trips together anyway.
Now, DD, again sit down with her and have a conversation. Be willing to compromise some, but you certainly do not have to allow anything and everything. Ask what she wants, state your expectations and go from there.
This is just my humble advice, take it for what you will.
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Post by gar on Jan 10, 2018 23:54:13 GMT
It sounds like you’re unsettled for 2 reasons - the open ended arrangement with Ds’s girlfriend and Dd’s behaviour.
Can you talk to the g/f about her future plans? Can you discuss with them both and end game and maybe suggest that this arrangement can’t go on indefinitely. As for your DD, that’s a separate issue imo. Different house rules for different ages but if she’s graduated and is moving on to the next stage in her life maybe her rules need to be adjusted accordingly. I also think it’s a bit late to worry about setting her a bad example with the girlfriend staying- she’s not a child any more and the circumstances are different.
Good luck going forward!
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Post by christine58 on Jan 11, 2018 0:58:52 GMT
dd thinks she should do whatever she pleases and is pretty relentless. She regularly drives me to the brink of insanity so this just gives her one more thing to try to use to get her way. Tell her to get her own apartment and she can do whatever she wants. Yeah that shit wouldn't fly with me. |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jan 11, 2018 1:18:12 GMT
GF is 19, but no license. Does she have a job?? college? what are her plans. That is what I would talk to her about. DD, yea, she can do whatever she wants as long as she moves out. As long as she is in your house, she has no choice. end of conflict.
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Jan 11, 2018 4:32:13 GMT
I think I'd sit down with DS and the GF and ask what their plans are. And have a conversation with the GF about becoming independent. She needs to learn how to stand on her own 2 feet. She needs to get a driver's license, a job, a bank account, etc. (It sounds like she needs some parenting advice about things like this.)
Is the GF on birth control? If she's not currently, she needs to be. I'm thinking that it's unrealistic to think that they're not spending intimate time together. Adding a baby to the mix of this challenging situation would not be a good idea.
And your daughter wants to go away with her boyfriend for weekends away? She's 18, right? She could easily lie and say that she's going away with some girlfriends for the weekend. I think I would have a conversation with her about birth control and also explain that she's an adult and she can do as she pleases if she wants to go away with her BF, go, but no co-ed sleepovers in your home.
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Post by freecharlie on Jan 11, 2018 4:40:22 GMT
It seems to me you may be following her lead on this one.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
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Post by likescarrots on Jan 11, 2018 4:45:25 GMT
How old is DS girlfriend? Is she not old enough to live elsewhere (and still not go back to her bad situation)? She's just turned 19, no license, no money. Parents have issues - alcoholism, sketchy work history, took her paychecks. Unfortunately the extended family isn't that stable so ds asked if she could stay here part of the time, which she is (separate rooms.) I'm not naïve and I get the wanting to go away I guess, but it makes things difficult with my dd (and she's already difficult!) Plus I guess I thought the parent situation might resolve. Had hoped they'd see some ways they could treat their dd better and she'd go home. Guess i'm just struggling with my feelings and trying to find a balance. I was always adamant I wasn't going to be one of those parents who was taking in other people's kids. I didn't see this one coming and i'm struggling to find my balance. her parents stole her paycheck and you thought 'the situation would resolve'?? Jesus. A parent that steals their child's paycheck is not ever going to grow into a good parent. |
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Post by nlwilkins on Jan 11, 2018 8:06:22 GMT
Not only is the situations different with your daughter and son, but they are two different people. There comes a time when your children have to learn they are treated according to who they are not how old they are. After a certain age, years don't count. Your daughter wants to do things you don't want her to do. Fine, let her move out and do them. But as long as she is in your home and living on your money, then you get to set the rules. If she was 30 years old you still would not want her to be spending the night with an undesirable. And you can let her know that is what he is in your eyes.
The son't girlfriend staying with you should not be getting a free ride. If she is old enough to have a job and does not want to live with her parents anymore, then she needs to at least try to pay some rent. Being responsible for yourself is the start of adulthood and it sounds like she needs some lessons in adulthood instead of just leaning on your son to take care of her. Have a talk with your son about how he is not helping her by letting her lean on him. She can turn into a leech real fast if encouraged without realizing it. I have seen it happen and it can get ugly fast too. You need to regulate what is happening in your home.
About the little trips, I think I would be a little annoyed about them myself. When you are helping someone out and they are using their money for luxuries like that instead of using that money to build up a nest egg for moving out you begin to feel you are being taken advantage of. I would encourage your son to budget these little trips and limit them. Heck, when was the last time you were able to afford a little trip like that? and I am not talking just about the money but the time. He is having the time of his life - no living expenses, girlfriend who thinks you are her savior living just across the hall and available, and little side trips to make life interesting. If he is living with you, I would suggest you ask for a look at his savings plan. Is he following one? Or is he blowing it all? Because he is using your home under the pretext of saving money, then you should have the right to see said savings.
Its is not easy when daughter carries on about wanting freedoms that she feels she should have. Hang in there, this will not last forever. In another few years they will be both out of the house and own their own.
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Post by gar on Jan 11, 2018 9:15:23 GMT
And you can let her know that is what he is in your eyes. That's probably about the fastest way to push a girl out of the house into the arms of someone she sees as a sign of her freedom. |
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Deleted
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Jun 26, 2024 3:51:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2018 10:11:38 GMT
So the situation is this. I've always said my kids are welcome to live here, save money, etc, but they can't drag home girlfriends/boyfriends. I'm more of a fan of having a relationship rather than random hookups. There's a bit of an age gap between oldest and youngest so it made perfect sense that you wouldn't want to expose younger ones to co-ed sleepovers. I was strict about it. Now the youngest two are 18 and 21. ds is 21, works full-time, is saving his money hoping to buy a house. He's very responsible, works about 60 hours a week. He has a girlfriend who comes from a bad situation so she's been staying with us. It was supposed to be temporary, but to be honest I don't see things changing much. The problem comes in with ds wants to take little trips here and there with her, which is making me a little annoyed. That's where I need perspective. So, you took in a girl without an exit expectation set first. Now it is awkward to set one. Like it or not your son has "dragged home a girlfriend" He didn't do it as a way to look like he wanted easy access to sex but played on your sympathy knowing you feel some things are just unbearable and wouldn't turn her away if her family was painted in a bad enough light. Said gf spent her entire life in a home you feel is chaotic. I don't see the reason to rescue a 19 year old from any family situation; infants, toddlers, young children need rescued but by 19 it is just normal life albeit different from yours. Plenty of peas require their working 19 year to pay "rent" to the parents and otherwise use their earnings to support themselves in the context of the childhood household... a 19 year old that wants to keep all her money for fun stuff could claim they were stealing her paycheck. Since she doesn't drive, being unreliable can be a passive aggressive way to get her to develop her independence; either learn to drive or take public transportation. Her family has always been exactly as it is now... I"m not sure why you expect that to change just because she has lived with your for awhile. While it is great of you to allow your son to live at home rent free and save toward a house perhaps it is time for him to move into his own apartment, pay his own rent with his gf OR keep living with you but his gf has to go back to her family and live by their rules/expectations even though they are so different from your own; she could find some other roommates as well. Ask your son what he wants to do... keep living with her means he needs to find them an apartment and they need to be self supporting or she needs to find other living arrangements. You've given her some time to assist her life but can't just keep on going the way it is. You have a right to have your home back to yourself and not be supporting everyone so they can go vacation. I'd be super annoyed that I am paying the mortgage/utilities/insurance and other costs while he has money for little trips. As for your 18 year old, as long as she is asking about going with her boyfriend I'd keep saying no. When she grows up enough to stop asking, but start telling you her itinerary then it is time to accept her choices. |
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Post by pelirroja on Jan 11, 2018 13:11:31 GMT
Whatever the gf's raw deal has been (chaos, drinking, etc), it is (likely) the way it has always been for her so she really doesn't know any differently. Don't count on the aunt or parents because that isn't going to happen. So, since you can't fix her history, you can help her guide her future. Show her grownups open a bank accounts, and help to get her towards getting her drivers' licensce. She can't navigate a life path if she doesn't know what one looks like. And even if the future doesn't work out for her and your son, you've done a tremendously good thing helping to mentor her. Not fix her, but mentor her.
As for your daughter, is she an emancipated 18? Has she graduated school, landed a fulltime job, or does she have the ability to get an apartment on her own? Or is she a high school senior with an attitude? There is a tremendous difference there. 18 and 21 is very different in terms of maturity but the bottom line is that 18 and 21 aren't equal. Tread carefully with her and the on-again/off-again boyfriend: that is some dangerous territory there, as I'm sure you already know.
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Jan 11, 2018 14:42:32 GMT
How old is DS girlfriend? Is she not old enough to live elsewhere (and still not go back to her bad situation)? She's just turned 19, no license, no money. Parents have issues - alcoholism, sketchy work history, took her paychecks. Unfortunately the extended family isn't that stable so ds asked if she could stay here part of the time, which she is (separate rooms.) I'm not naïve and I get the wanting to go away I guess, but it makes things difficult with my dd (and she's already difficult!) Plus I guess I thought the parent situation might resolve. Had hoped they'd see some ways they could treat their dd better and she'd go home. Guess i'm just struggling with my feelings and trying to find a balance. I was always adamant I wasn't going to be one of those parents who was taking in other people's kids. I didn't see this one coming and i'm struggling to find my balance. 1. The bold struck a nerve with me because when I was living at home, so much of MY life was determined by how "difficult" one of my sister's was. IMO, that was poor and unfair parenting and one of the chief reasons I ended up with cursory relationships with both of my parents for many years. (My mother eventually realized what she had done and was remorseful. I forgave her and we moved on, but the relationship was not what she would have wanted, I know.) I was deeply resentful that to make their lives easier, my life was circumscribed and I got less. Please do not make (or try to make) decisions for your son based on how obnoxious/demanding/manipulative/relentless your daughter is. It's a good way to put a wedge in between you and your son and then that relationship will become difficult. Its' a good way to teach your daughter that manipulative/demanding/relentless behavior is a great means to get her way for the rest of her life. It's a good way to ensure that the relationship between siblings will be a poor one into adulthood. To be blunt, your daughter's behavior is not your son's problem. 2. It is a very different thing to have different rules for an 18 year old and a 21 year old. That is not an issue of fairness, that is an issue of appropriateness. 3. As far as the girlfriend's parents -- if they haven't done right by her yet, they are NOT going to do right by her. Accept that reality. Then decide if you are going to take her in as long as the relationship with your son lasts or not. If you want to help her out and help her be less reliant on a man, show her how to make a plan to achieve her goals and how to implement it. |
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