Victims of abuse

My only advice is for them to take it slowly and without too much demanding as if the daughter feels that they are coming down too hard on this relationship she will think that she has to stay with the abuser as "he is not as they are saying and he will never hurt me" even if it has got to this stage. 

Another way to address this is the family invite the individual to family times so that she gets to understand that his behaviour is not how she deserves to be treated and the relationship will fold. 

Not an easy task btdt! Hugs to this young girl and her family

BFF’s daughter was involved in an abusive relationship when she was in high school, which is a slightly different thing because she was a minor at the time. The parents and step parents ended up doing an intervention of sorts and ultimately convinced their DD to change schools because it would be too difficult to keep him away from her at school even with a restraining order from the police. Even after changing schools, the guy would come around and case their house and hang around their neighborhood to see if she was there. It was a scary time because it turned out the guy was pretty unstable.

I wish your friend well, it isn’t an easy situation to navigate that’s for sure.

My ex husband was physically and mentally abusive.

Like your friend, he was my first 'serious' boyfriend. My parents hated him and the more they criticized him, the more I clinged to him.They would forbid me to see him and I would sneak out in spite of them. I was 19 when we got married (to my parents horror) and we were divorced by the time I was 23. I didn't think I could change him - why would I ? I didnt see him as abusive.

My best friends mom was instrumental in getting me prepared to leave him. I didn't want to admit to my mom I screwed up, but I could talk to her. I am so thankful she was unbiased and was a safe place for me to talk to.

What finally brought me around was him abusing our kids. He could do whatever he wanted to me, but no way would I tolerate him hurting my sons.

My best advice? Have them encourage her to talk to someone other than them. Find a therapist. A preacher. ANYONE but them. She will not believe her family if they say he is bad.

My second piece of advice is for them to be there, willing to accept her back, when this relationship implodes.

If this is her first dating experience at 22 she very possibly feels like she will never have another chance at love.  She doesn't have the bravado to ask anyone out and apparently not attracted enough attention to have any other young men ask her out either.

My advice is back off on intervening. It can backfire big. The parents probably aren't going to like what I have to say.  I learned to accept manipulative behavior in my family of origin. The seeds of accepting abusive behavior, allowing manipulation begin in childhood.  In an odd way an intervention is a continuation of manipulation by the family.  They don't approve of her life so they intervene to get her back into the fold of their control and approval.

My advice, family counseling but not the sole goal of getting her away from him.  Rather to educate all of them in co-dependency, manipulation and developing healthy relationships between themselves.  Comfortable relationships are not always healthy ones. 

THen let the girl know, no matter where her life journey takes her, even with this guy they don't approve of,  that their love is unending and she is always welcome home again.  

eta: I was married 26 years to a narcissist. It ended when he threatened to kill me.  I should have left earlier but felt I had nowhere to go and I felt I couldn't go back to my parents. It just happened his threat came at a time I was in a therapy group for depression (he felt I needed to be helped but not him)  It was that therapist who gave me the clarity of what I needed to do and the knowledge of support that gave me the courage to go when I knew it was time.

We watched a friend's DD get into a controlling relationship. It was a real tightrope for the family to walk and be careful not to alienate her and have her run further into his arms. If the couple did show up at a family gathering, everyone smiled through gritted teeth and killed him with kindness. If they didn't show up, they made sure DD knew how much they were missed.

No criticism or judgement about why they didn't come. She loved the big extended family gatherings at the lake and after missing a couple to stay home with her guy, and hearing how much he hated the gatherings, the bloom started to fade. He was badmouthing the people she loved and they weren't forcing her to choose. It was a tightrope and her mom seemed to know exactly when and what to say to reel her back to the family.

Unfortunately this is the case more often than not.  I found myself married to a man that I had known and dated for 2 years prior to marriage.  3 months into the marriage I get my first smack.  We'd built a house on the back 40 of my parents land, so I ran out and headed to the safety of my daddy.  I didn't get very far until he caught me and put the fear of god into me plus threats against my family.  The next day, he was so loving and apologetic, he really put the effort in to make me love him all over again.  Then the next smack, the next fear of god, the next threats, the next caring and loving.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

During the love phases, there was no one on earth that could convince me he was bad and abusive.  He could really turn on the charm, just like the whole time we dated.  The egg shells I found myself walking on were subtle at first.  I didn't realize the anxiety I started to feel around him was because of HIM, I thought it was ME doing the wrong things.  That is how you get trapped!  He expertly made me feel guilt and shame, I was who the blame fell on.  The times I was good, he expertly made me feel so loved and cherished. 

My family saw through him and tried so hard to convince me that our marriage was not normal.  That just made HIM dig his heels in more and turn the charm to extreme levels when needed. 

So, my advise is to stay close to her, give her love and support without badmouthing the SOB.  He could easily catch wind that they are trying to pull her away and turn his charm on.

My granddaughter was "in love" with a very controlling person. I don't think he was abusive but manipulative and controlling. Thankfully, when he asked her father for her hand in marriage, my son gave him a talking to, and told him he couldn't give them his blessings-and told him why. My ddil took my granddaughter on a weekend trip, talked with her, and my granddaughter came to her senses. the boyfriend wasn't happy, and it took my granddaughter awhile to get over it, but she's going with a really nice man now, and we're all hoping for the best. Thankfully, my granddaughter has a very good relationship with her parents, and trusted their opinions, and listened to their wise counsel. The boyfriend is now married to someone else and expecting a baby with her.

The only thing you can do is be there, a non judgemental support the girl knows will always be there no matter what, when and why.