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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 4:15:34 GMT
I don’t really even know where to begin with this one. We’ve been married for 18 years, we’ve had our ups and downs but overall a great marriage. We have 3 kids, 15 year old twin boys and a 13 year old daughter. They’re easy going kids who don’t get into trouble. We get complimented all the time on what great kids we have.
So then why are we both so miserable? Over the last few years we both have shorter tempers, we’re less tolerant of each other, and both seem like angry people. We have zero patience with anything and anyone.
We built our home in the country 2 years ago, worst year of our lives. We could only afford it if my DH was the general contractor so he did that on top of his busy job. He had moments where he was just an asshole during the build, and I’m sure he felt the same about me. It took a lot out of both of us.
I thought once we moved in and life resumed again things would settle down. But we both act like we’re unhappy people. I’ve asked my DH a few times if he’s unhappy in the marriage and he says he’s not. I’m not unhappy with the marriage per say but I feel like we’ve both lost our joy in life which is starting to hurt the marriage. We’re constantly Angry about something. I would never say this to his face but he’s socially inept sometimes, it’s hard to discuss anything some days because I feel like I have to go into detail just so he understands, ’this gets really old and my patience with that isn’t there anymore. His whole family is like that. He’s incredibly smart in other areas, math, engineering, etc. . I truely believe he’s dyslexic, not sure if that makes any difference but it helps me to sometimes understand that he just understands things differently than I do.
Yesterday we wanted to watch a movie on google play and my DH entered the wrong CC for payment so it obviously wouldn’t work. Finally we got it going but by that time we were both in a mood. And then our wifi started acting up, my DH went to bed before the movie was over. So our valentines evening with kids left us both frustrated.
He’s overdue for a raise. He unofficially manages the company he works for. At Christmas he was told there would be a raise in the new year, and so far nothing. Today he found out his co-worker (who’s worth less in the skills department and my DH has to micromanage) got the same sized Bonus as my DH. He’s also hearing tidbits that suggests he’s really not making anymore $$ than the other guys, even though he does so much more for the company. So today that set him off, he’s been in a mood all evening, wants to quit. Even though he makes good money, he doesn’t feel appreciated. But he doesn’t have the guts to have a good discussion with the owner about his pay or responsibilities. So he festers. He left a position about 10 years ago for the same reason, he felt he was owed a bigger salary and instead of talking to them about it, he left. Later the company owner found out why he left and wished he had talked to him because they could have worked with that. But he hates confrontation.
Our church went through a major issue last fall which resulted in the senior pastor being asked to resign. My DH is using that event to hate everyone, no grace, no mercy. They’re all terrible people even though I sometimes think he doesn’t even fully grasp what happened. He’s choosing to be bitter. He’s using other people’s mistakes as his excuse to hate on everyone.
I think he’s depressed but he just shrugs it off. I’m depressed but don’t have the energy to take care of it.
So we’re two depressed people who have lost our joy in life. We’re turning on each other and he doesn’t think it’s as bad as I think it is. If something doesn’t shift we’ll be in marriage counseling. I’m not unhappy with him but the anger and bitterness we both have is starting to affect that.
I think it’s time I start personal counselling, although that’s going to stretch the budget and that’s another thing that always stresses him out. I thought maybe it was time to try marriage counselling but if I really think about it, our marriage isn’t the issue. We each are as individuals. We’re both miserable as individuals but not because of the marriage if that makes sense.
Sorry I guess I don’t even know why I’m typing this up. I’m just frustrated that we both can’t get our shit together. We’ll have good days but just as many bad days.
I want to be happy, I want us to be happy. I want our kids to know we’re happy. Anyone have experience with this or are we really just that messed up?
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Post by dewryce on Feb 16, 2018 4:24:38 GMT
I'm sorry you're going through this, I often feel the way you do when I am depressed and it is miserable. I have bipolar disorder so eventually there will be an upswing in the mood for me. But, with "just" depression it's not going to change on its own. I think you're right in that it's time for therapy for yourself, even if your DH won't go Life is too short to be miserable.
eta: You're not "messed up," you're depressed either by circumstances or brain chemistry. Either way it's not your fault but you can definitely take charge and make vast improvements. It will be hard work, and it's so dang hard to take that first step when depressed, but it will be so worth it!
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Post by elaine on Feb 16, 2018 4:25:24 GMT
(((Hugs))) you sound depressed right now. It *will* get better, but I know that it is hard to have hope right now.
I would encourage you to talk with your physician. You sound like you might be a good candidate for short-term anti-depressant medication. As soon as you feel better, you will probably have more energy to attack the issues. Focus just on you right now - you can’t solve your husband’s depression, and you’ll have more energy to support him when you take care of yourself.
I would also suggest getting some regular exercise, if you aren’t doing that currently. The challenge is that it is hard to get moving when you are depressed, but overwhelming research evidence shows that regular exercise improves depression.
Finally, make a list of things that give you joy - they can be really small, like Caramel Macchiatos, or bubble baths, or getting a pedicure - and make sure you do at least one thing on that list each day.
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Deleted
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Jun 26, 2024 3:59:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 4:27:51 GMT
No experience with this at all, but just wanted to say I'll send you my prayers. It sounds like you are churchgoers. A lot of pastors do marriage counseling for their members. Sending hugs. I hope things get better for both of you.
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Post by freecharlie on Feb 16, 2018 4:53:48 GMT
My only advice is yo not focus on your dh and instead focus on yourself. You can change or control his mood, but perhaps seeing you flourish will motivate him
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GiantsFan
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,313
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Feb 16, 2018 4:54:23 GMT
I"m sorry you're going through a rough patch. elaine has given some great advice. I know this sounds old-fashioned but the only thing else I would add is maybe taking a long weekend (a romantic get-a-way maybe?) with just you and your DH. No kids, no house responsibilities and try to re-kindle or sort out what's happening in your lives. It does sound like DH is depressed about his work situation and I know first hand that carries over into home life. Sorry I don't have any better advice. I hope things turn around soon. |
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Post by quinlove on Feb 16, 2018 5:06:23 GMT
( hugs ). I, too, think a weekend away would probably help a lot. Counseling for yourself is always a good idea. Taking some sort of action now, before things get further away from the two of you, can only help. More hugs.  |
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Deleted
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Jun 26, 2024 3:59:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 5:41:28 GMT
Thanks everyone. I had a long chat with DH after I wrote this. He recognizes that we’re both miserable even though we’re not unhappy with the marriage.
I feel some days like he’s going through his mid life crisis a little early. He started working full time at 14 and hasn’t stopped. I think he has feelings about his upbringing that bother him but he hardly ever wants to talk about it because he thinks it doesn’t do him any good to dwell, but he’s never actually dealt with those feelings. He was forced to drop out of school so he could go work full time to help pay off his parents massive debt. He was treated like an idiot by his family because he had such difficulty reading (this is one of the areas that points to dyslexia). I think he’s scared to talk about his scars because the wounds will open right back up. So he bottles, and tries to blame anything and everyone.
He feels like all he does is go to work just trying to make ends meet. He sees that not everyone has to work this hard but instead of choosing to be happy with what he has he focuses on what others have. His BIL has become very successful in his business, very wealthy. And he wants that, he wants the freedom to purchase whatever, whenever.
We’ve already said that his bonus this year is going to a family vacation, somewhere on a beach where we just do nothing.
Some days I wonder if part of it is that we’re so busy with our kids, we have no breathing room. He commented on that today too, we don’t even take time for each other anymore. Dates aren’t really dates, it’s more like we might as well go for dinner and movie after we get groceries. We live 40 minutes away from where we do most of our shopping so we always try to kill a few birds with one stone. I said tonight that we need to be a little more deliberate in connecting with each other.
He agreed that we’re both not happy individuals. He feels like our church is a big part of the problem, there’s so much water under the bridge, and so many issues still going on, he said it feels like it’s such a negative back-stabbing like d of place for him. I told him I am willing to leave if that’s what it takes. But that we need to show commitment if we do go somewhere else. We’ve agreed to attending a new church we’ve both enjoyed in the past, twice a month. If we feel it’s better for us, then we leave entirely. This will hurt since I’m administrative assistant at our current church and I would have to give up my job.
I’m willing to go in antidepressants but I need to find a new doctor and that’s where I find it easier to be miserable than to deal with my current doctor. We don’t connect and I find her condescending, I’ve asked for a new family doctor but they’re short on doctors making it hard to switch family doctors (Canada).
Thanks again for listening. I don’t really know where to turn, you guys are great for listening and offering words of advice.
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939 
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
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Post by LeaP on Feb 16, 2018 5:44:33 GMT
{{{hugs}}} I understand.
We have been married 19 years, two kids 14 & 17. It often feels like Groundhog Day (the movie) a variation of the same thing every day. Short tempers, whiny kids...etc. I decided to take 2018 to go back to the gym and take a more risky approach to my re-entry into the workforce. I feel like pounding my chest in frustration, but at least I am doing something different for a change.
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Post by nlwilkins on Feb 16, 2018 9:06:39 GMT
In our 48 years of marriage, we have been there a time or two. It helps to know that this too will pass. One of the things that I learned along the way is to work on my own issues and to rediscover my happy place before worrying about hubby. If I am not in the groove, then I am just looking on from the outside and not able to help anyone. Find things that you like to do, things that bring you satisfaction and perhaps a bit of happy. Don't dwell on not being happy. Carve out time for hobbies and ways to feed the soul. Your contentment and happiness will spill over into your home and become contagious almost. A home with two unhappy people can be soul destroying. One person can make the difference and be an oasis for the rest. A place to rest their spirit. Be that person for your family. It takes work and might mean cutting back on responsibilities to do those happy inducing activities. But it needs doing.
I notice you are church members. This means every Sunday is more than half way taken up with church as well as various times through out the week. Check that out and be sure you are getting value for your time spent at church. Don't go to church events just because it is there to do and is expected of you. I say this as one who was raised in that kind of home and it really took a lot of meaning out the main events at church as I was always there. Plus we then did not have time for family events. Church events are NOT family events where you, your husband and children are spending time solely with each other. So be careful of that. That will suck the joy out of your relationship with the Lord in a hurry.
I will say this though, when the kids are young and at home, it seems they take the focus off the marriage and onto raising family. That is biology - our hormones work to make our children a priority. It is up to the parents to realize this and to make time for their relationship.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
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Post by scrappington on Feb 16, 2018 11:43:16 GMT
I know your feeling. I'm there right now. Actually we are going to the Dr's this morning for DH.
Have you two talked. Like actually talked and brought up all this?
I hope things change for you.
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blue tulip
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,991
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Post by blue tulip on Feb 16, 2018 12:47:35 GMT
everyone's already said what I would've about meds and counseling.
Since date nights require a 40 minute drive, could you do smaller things together like take a walk, just the two of you, no distractions like TV and kids? Bad time of year weather-wise for this probably, but in the spring?
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Post by mikklynn on Feb 16, 2018 13:07:59 GMT
In addition to counseling/therapy for both of you, what can you cut out of your lives to free up time and money? I know when DH and I were at your stage of life we had too many commitments and even though we earned good salaries, we never seemed to have any extra money.
Once I learned to say no, life got easier. I did my years of volunteering at school, band, and sports. I started saying no and it really helped.
We paid off CC debt and stopped spending on unnecessary things. When you are financially secure, life looks a lot better.
I don't know if these things apply to you, but if they do, you can make change to better your life.
Hang in there, my Pea friend.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 16, 2018 13:37:18 GMT
(((Hugs))) you sound depressed right now. It *will* get better, but I know that it is hard to have hope right now. I would encourage you to talk with your physician. You sound like you might be a good candidate for short-term anti-depressant medication. As soon as you feel better, you will probably have more energy to attack the issues. Focus just on you right now - you can’t solve your husband’s depression, and you’ll have more energy to support him when you take care of yourself. I would also suggest getting some regular exercise, if you aren’t doing that currently. The challenge is that it is hard to get moving when you are depressed, but overwhelming research evidence shows that regular exercise improves depression. Finally, make a list of things that give you joy - they can be really small, like Caramel Macchiatos, or bubble baths, or getting a pedicure - and make sure you do at least one thing on that list each day. I agree with all of these suggestions. Also, when you lay down at night, mentally run through your day and remind yourself of all the good things that happened. You accomplished something at work. You extended a kindness to a stranger. You just curled up in DH's arms. You had a good talk with one of your teens. When I feel overwhelmed by life, it helps me to sit and think of all the good things that happened too. Hugs. |
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Post by jenjie on Feb 16, 2018 14:02:09 GMT
You’re doing an awesome job of processing and putting things into perspective. You were able to see what it looks like and what’s really the issue (not an unhappy marriage, but both unhappy in general). You had a conversation with dh. This is all really good.
Everything doesn’t have to change at once, but each step will help you progress and get you in the direction you want to go. Visit that new church. Take a walk together. See what develops.
The church thing - dh was ready to leave long before I was. I wasn’t happy where we were, but was uncomfortable with change too. But finding a new church home was really the best thing for us and our family. It wasn’t long before we realized that.
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Post by Merge on Feb 16, 2018 14:04:24 GMT
See your doctor and get some meds and therapy. It’s sooo worth it.
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Post by newfcathy on Feb 16, 2018 15:23:14 GMT
I agree with prior posters. You need to work on you. Your problems deserve attention and until you make headway there, you can’t be objective about other issues in the home.
I would try to imagine what you want and perhaps re label it. Maybe you are seeking contentment. To me, happiness is a fleeting, temporary state of being. Getting a new puppy, having an awesome day visiting with friends & family, watching your child score a point at an athletic event, that makes me happy.
Continue to support your dh to express his feelings. You’ve determined that the marriage is not in jeopardy, so stop talking about that and focus on little ways to make your day brighter. Ask dh for 3 ideas of things that you can do for him and then do them.
I sometimes find when life is chaotic that taking time (usually driving time) to list what I’m grateful for or praying for people in my life helps change my focus and calms me.
Good luck!
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Post by cindyupnorth on Feb 16, 2018 15:36:53 GMT
Married 30 years. Been there done that. I think what you are going thru is totally normal for a married couple in the stage you are at. The in the rut stage, raising kids, and getting thru life. I guess I don't really feel like that is a cause for med's. Unless you are so depressed you're not getting out of bed and not able to do the things you need to do. It's more like you need ways to coping strategies. My dh and I had our hardest time in our marriage at 15 yrs in. It's the, "is this all there is?!" stage. It's all about the kids all the time. You're just trying to raise these kids, to be good people. To do the right thing. Am I doing the right thing? Am I screwing these kids up? do we know what we are even doing? etc, etc. It's hard. The best thing we did was a date night. Go out, Talk. Have a glass of wine. It doesn't even have to be much. Just something with NO kids. It sounds like you guys are committed to each other, and want it to work. You can do it!
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,032
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Post by scrappyesq on Feb 16, 2018 15:58:29 GMT
I've definitely experienced this....DH and I were both super depressed for a number of years before things imploded. I couldn't change anything that he did but I was determined not to be that miserable person so I sought therapy. Two years later and I'm a completely different person in so many ways. Depression changed my outlook and made me bitter and angry about everything except the underlying issue (for me, mind you. I can't speak about anyone else's experiences with depression).
I know it will stretch your budget, but I would definitely try to find a way. Through my therapy I've also been able to understand DH a lot better and hold myself accountable for things that added to the mutual misery.
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Post by Really Red on Feb 16, 2018 16:56:36 GMT
I agree with most posters. I want to add that my DD was a great teen - SO easy. But she wasn't happy. She wasn't mean or anything, but she just wasn't happy. She went to college and she told me that she knew she should be happy because everything was great. I finally got her on Lexapro for anxiety and her life turned around. She is happy all the time. She can deal with issues big and small. She still has anxiety, but she can control it now. Therapy wasn't the right choice for her because there was technically nothing wrong.
You sound like you and your DH are good people and just a little lost on the path right now. If you can't afford therapy and you're both wanting to change things, then find a good book (ask for Pea recommendations) and see if you can't follow suggestions there.
Also, for your DH, here is a conversation starter that makes things easy for many people when they want a salary conversation:
"Boss, I was surprised to hear that John and I received the same bonus. I feel that I contribute a good deal to the company. I'd appreciate your thoughts."
Both the bolded comments are important and aren't too hard to say and are correct. Then you can let the boss talk.
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Post by donna on Feb 16, 2018 17:53:28 GMT
My dh and I have been married 30 years this April. Marriage can definitely have its ups and downs. Raising kids is hard work. My dh got very good at letting me know when I was focusing too much on our kids and not on our relationship.
One thing you can both do to help shift your overall attitudes is to try to find something positive that happened every day. My youngest son and I would try to find something to high five about each day. It doesn't have to be big. Joy is made up of the little moments in life. Some people keep gratitude journals. It is so easy to get sucked down into a negative hole.
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Post by Scrapper100 on Feb 16, 2018 20:15:26 GMT
I agree with what others have said, work on yourself first you - find something you enjoy and then you can help your husband. No one can make another person happy - you can make them unhappy but since that isn't the case help yourself and maybe find something you enjoy and maybe your husband will follow. All relationships go through ups and downs. It sounds like you had a good talk with him and that is a great first step. When my husband and I feel disconnected sometimes something as simple as running a few errands and going to lunch can help - will it solve everything? - no but it does seem to help. We don't always talk about a problem but something simple things just to spend some time together away from the house. It sounds like money might be tight but if he has a vacation day maybe take one and try and just do something fun together if possible - we can't get away for a weekend but a few hours during school day is better than nothing. Hobbies helped us a lot. My husband was overworked at work and found a hobby away from the house and the change in him has been amazing. Maybe there is something that he would enjoy and get him out of the house and with other people. Breaking a bad rut is often the first step.
*** totally unrelated but this thread is why I love this board so much - the original board got me through a tough pregnancy 14 years ago. Seeing how supportive everyone is being on this thread made my day and I hope it is helpful for you as well.
Good luck - lots of good advise on this thread:)
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Post by refugeepea on Feb 16, 2018 20:29:47 GMT
If it makes the OP feel any better, I wish I had your life. I agree meds help. For me, they take the edge off of feelings about things I can't change. I'm sure therapy would work too, but it takes a lot of time and money. Something that is not feasible for a lot of people.
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Feb 17, 2018 6:50:58 GMT
I'm sorry that life's been hard on you and your DH. It looks like somethings out of sync. Like you know how you wake up on the right side of the bed and the day seems to unfold in such a good way? It seems like you are experiencing the opposite on a daily basis.
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Post by utpea on Feb 17, 2018 9:13:09 GMT
See your doctor and get some meds and therapy. It’s sooo worth it. This. So much this. From my own experience, untreated depression can be absolutely debilitating and can color every part of your life. If you and your husband are both suffering from this, life must be so difficult. Push through it and get some meds/therapy ASAP. Your world will be much brighter. (((hugs))) |
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Post by hop2 on Feb 17, 2018 14:54:59 GMT
Therapy together or alone
A conscious accounting of what you have to be thankful for
A conscious effort to find a good thing in situations ( you won’t always be successful sometimes there just isn’t a silver lining. But if you make the conscious effort over time you can change your overall outlook on life.
I know because I did it. I was raised by one optimist who helped everyone, gave freely of thier time and when they could mobeywho saw something positive in nearly everyone and everything. And one miserable pessimist who could turn any situation into a personal tragedy and could be miserable with the best life had to offer. The better life was the more bitter this person got to be.
I was a combo of both but at one point in my life I consciously chose to mimic the parent with the positive outlook. It took me a few years but I got there. Not saying I’m never miserable and always joyful but bitter miserableness is not my first emotion or even my second anymore. When I’m not joyful there’s a state of being that I’d swear I never had before doing this. Just being, neither joyful nor happy BUT also neither bitter nor miserable nor angry. And it’s not negatively just is. And so many people don’t see or accept it because they somehow find that anything not positive or joyful or uplifting is therefore obviously negative. Because we have trained ourselves to think that way.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
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Post by AnotherPea on Feb 17, 2018 15:57:56 GMT
I agree with the suggestions above. I want to add though... KUDOS to you and your husband!! How awesome is it that you both realize that you're not unhappy in the marriage, just not thrilled with life as individuals right now. It is so easy to blame someone else for your unhappiness. What you guys are doing is great. You'll find your way back with time and some effort.
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uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,507
Location: London
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Post by uksue on Feb 17, 2018 16:09:36 GMT
I think it's easy in a marriage to get into the habit of a certain behaviour .
I also think it's possible to choose to be happy and choose to love your partner, as long as the relationship is basically a good one . I'm
Not explaining things very well, but I think if both agree to make a concerted effort -even if the happiness is forced to start with - it can become the new habit .
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MDscrapaholic
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,420
Location: Down by the bay....
Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Feb 17, 2018 16:14:42 GMT
Very helpful words of wisdom here. I don't have anything to add, but I'm glad the peas have such a wealth of knowledge and are willing to share. ((HUGS))
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