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Post by Really Red on Feb 24, 2018 2:23:39 GMT
I have lived through loved ones with depression. My ex-husband and my teenage son. It nearly did me in.
Now I have a friend who has depression. It's not a small depression, it's very serious. She was a mess last night. I texted her and called her several times and she did not respond. I told her she could call me anytime day or night. I've texted her three times today and called her once.
I do not know what to do. She does not live close by me, but still within driving distance. Should I continue to call and text? If this was you, what would you want? i've asked her to come over tomorrow, and I offered to drive to her house. I've given her suggestions, and flat out told her I was coming. That was the only time I got a response, and that was yesterday. She said do not come.
i'm worried. But this road is so difficult and I'm on the easy side. I keep thinking, I cannot imagine what it would be like to be her. I want to ease her pain. Please, If you've been down this road, tell me what you would want me to do. Thank you.
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Post by librarylady on Feb 24, 2018 2:26:11 GMT
Showing you care is about all you can do. So, calls and texts are good.
For her--suggest she take at least a 30 minute walk every day--outside, or on a treadmill.
It really helps.
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Post by destined2bmom on Feb 24, 2018 2:31:41 GMT
Do you know anyone who lives close to her? You may want to call them and see if they can check on her. If you don’t know anyone; call her local PD and do a welfare check.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Feb 24, 2018 2:33:09 GMT
I only know what I feel. Usually people don't know if I am having a hard time. I do appreciate texts. I do not want to talk on the phone. If you came to my house I'd not answer the door. There was one time my daughter insisted on coming over and I let her (she has the passcode to my house anyway) because I was scared I would hurt myself. The nurse at my school just lets me rest in one of her sectioned off areas. She may ask me if I am taking my medication like I should or where my class is. Sometimes I can't talk. One time I went home from school but my principal made sure my daughter would be there with me. Wish I could tell you what to do for your friend. Supportive tests. That's all I'd want.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Feb 24, 2018 2:35:53 GMT
hmmm... I know you mean well, and that you care about your friend. But from the point of view of 'being' in the depression, I have to say, honestly, sometimes I just want to be left alone.
Just being ME is such a burden during those times that any outside contact seems like a really huge pressure for me to respond, to be 'on' and try to 'put on the happy face' for the other person's sake. So to be frank, I wouldn't want you to be calling or texting me any more. For ME, knowing that there's a person out there who wants contact "hey, let's do something" "I'll even come get you" "hey, are you okay?" is even more pressure on me than the depression itself already is. I need to get through it on my own, and eventually, I'll come out the other side of it.
(unless you feel that she might be a danger to herself... that's a totally different story. But I've never been to that point.)
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,948 
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Post by scrapngranny on Feb 24, 2018 3:21:11 GMT
The thing I would feel most helpful, is obtaining medical appointments and going with me to the appointments. Those things may be impossible for you to do if you are too far away. If you are in fear she will hurt her self, taking her to the emergency room is best thing you can do.
The calling and texting would be the very last thing I would like, spending the day would be much better, but everyone is different.
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Post by padresfan619 on Feb 24, 2018 3:29:00 GMT
Don’t make her depression about you. Reach out but don’t add to the burden by talking about how worried you were once you finally get a response.
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Post by Really Red on Feb 24, 2018 3:34:55 GMT
Thank you for these responses. I really appreciate hearing from a personal point of view. Obviously, there are people who need someone to reach out, but other people just need to deal with it themselves. I would never tell her how worried I was. I only say that I am there for her, and I can bring her food or anything else she needs. I let her know that I will be an ear regardless of the hour
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Post by Really Red on Feb 24, 2018 3:36:33 GMT
Don’t make her depression about you. Reach out but don’t add to the burden by talking about how worried you were once you finally get a response. So how much do I reach out? What is the line between someone's feeling I am too worried about them and someone understanding that I love them and want to make sure they are safe? |
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Feb 24, 2018 4:29:55 GMT
I would never tell her how worried I was. She knows you are worried, unless you normally text and call her a lot every day. IF you fear for her safety call the police for a welfare check but she might never speak to you again. Does she have family nearby? Tough call, remember you can only do so much. (((((((((HUGS))))))))) |
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Post by scrappintoee on Feb 24, 2018 5:10:38 GMT
(( hugs )).....You are such a good friend to want to help so much. Since she's not replying to your texts and calls, maybe you could continue texting her once a day, just to let her know you're thinking of her? P.S. Sorry about your son and exh, too. Depression is sooo horrible!  |
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Post by chrissypie on Feb 25, 2018 5:19:35 GMT
Sounds like different people would react differently to your texts/calls, so it's hard to know what your friend would appreciate. Personally, I'd appreciate one or two caring texts a day, so I know that someone is thinking of me and cares about me, but more than that might be hard to deal with. Knowing that a friend is willing to be there for me at any hour would be very helpful - not that I probably would call anyone at 3am! But knowing that I can would be reassuring.
Depending on your relationship, when she comes out of this "episode" (for want of a better word!) maybe you could gently discuss with her what would be most helpful for you to do for her "next time" - whether she appreciated the calls etc. And also reiterate that you'll always be there for her.
HTH - it's hard, from both sides!
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desertgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,646
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Post by desertgirl on Feb 25, 2018 13:09:51 GMT
I'd send her a card. Only you can pick out that card. I sometimes write just a brief note on a blank card, too. She'll know you care and it will mean a lot. She can go back and read the cards, too, when she needs them. You are a great friend, Really Red. Believe that. |
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Post by hop2 on Feb 25, 2018 13:24:30 GMT
See, that’s the thing people with depression don’t understand or have the energy to care about, how much worry they put people who care for them through.
I’ve been on your side of it really red, and it’s very stressful and anxious because you don’t want to let them down. And exactly how are you supposed to know when to leave her be or when leaving her be means she’s contemplating suicide. You want to be supportive, you don’t want to overstep your boundaries, or be smothering and yet you desperately want to be able to help them IF they are at the point if harming themselves.
Truth is - and it’s hard to accept - this is not on you, not your burden not your guilt to carry. You reach out when you can but you can not MAKE her accept help.
Text her in the morning let her know your thinking of her. Maybe if you go out text her your running errands can you pick something up for her.
Hugs really red it’s a tough spot to be in
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Post by cindytred on Feb 25, 2018 17:11:49 GMT
I'm going thru the same thing with my best friend (J) who lives 7 hours away from me. We both have depression - but mine isn't as bad as hers. Thank God. I've texted and called J and she doesn't respond. I'm worried about her because I feel like she has the potential to be suicidal. But she is also the world's biggest drama queen and I feel like she likes being in the pit of depression because it gets her attention. I love her - but she is an attention whore. I feel like if I call/text her then I'm (1)bugging her, (2)feeding her drama. I wish you guys had seen the look of pride on her face when she told me how another friend of ours texted saying that she felt like J doesn't want to be her friend anymore - it was sickening.
While all of this is going on - I'm struggling too because so many of my relationships are in the sh!tter. I've been cutting people out of my life who don't treat me right. Its getting to the point that there aren't many people left. I know J's issues - but I don't want to lose J too.
Depression sucks.
Cindy
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 26, 2018 2:35:11 GMT
hop2 said: See, that’s the thing people with depression don’t understand or have the energy to care about, how much worry they put people who care for them through. Sorry for the wonky quote as I'm on my phone and I didn't want to quote your whole post. But, wow! Do you really feel like this about depressed people? Do those without mental illness really think like this about those of us who do?
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 26, 2018 2:55:19 GMT
Really Red, I am really open with all of my family and friends. I don't mind a text or Facebook message. I respond, not feeling well, need some time to regroup. I think it is rude, rude, rude not to respond. People care and I find it incredibly selfish not to send a response. With that said, I have made it clear to all my loved ones that when I detach, I want to be left alone. No phone calls, no drop by visits. I have my children but both of my kids suffer from mental illness and I have had this all their lives so all of us understand what that feels like. My husband is incredibly good with just sitting on the couch next to me and if I want it, cuddling with me.
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Post by scrappintoee on Feb 28, 2018 0:31:49 GMT
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Post by Really Red on Feb 28, 2018 3:25:36 GMT
Thank you for asking scrappintoee After our phone call when it felt like she was drowning, she didn't call me back. I was worried, but she has a 4yo and I don't think (from what I've seen others) that she's at a point where she wants to harm herself. I texted her a bit with no response. I told her that I didn't want to overstep, but I was worried. She finally wrote me back and said she was struggling and would be in touch. I invited her to dinner one night, offered to pick her up and take her out another and invited her to brunch at my house, but no response from her. I'm not taking her response as anything other than she's just struggling hard with everything right now. I last wrote on Sunday and I haven't heard anything. I'm going to send a message tomorrow and see if we can't just have coffee or something. I just don't know what to do. She is with her mom and I think that her mom may be comfortable with the fact that her daughter needs her and she has her grandchild in her house. Her mom is divorced and retired and her grandchild is the center of her world. I don't know this for a fact, but I suspect I'm not too far off. I don't think her mom is bad or mean, just not unhappy her daughter is dependent on her. Thank you!! |
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