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Post by gale w on Mar 18, 2018 4:21:22 GMT
Back story: my kids and I play pokemon go. Every Saturday and sometimes during the week we get together with some people in town to play. We've been hanging with this group since last summer and we also communicate on discord. Both for playing the game and also just socializing.
Three weeks ago a new guy started playing along with the group. He is probably in his twenties but for whatever reason his mom drives him around to play. She doesn't play. Since it's been pretty cold we haven't been getting out of the car most of the time to socialize and such so we've probably talked to this guy three or four times and just briefly about game play. I don't even know his name.
So today we went to town to play and after the first group raid, he comes over to our car and asks if we're going to be playing for the rest of the afternoon. We said we were and then he asked if he can ride around with us to play all afternoon. I really don't know this guy and I felt like I was put on the spot so I just blurted out "I'd rather not. I don't really know you". He said "fair enough" and went back to his mom's car. I felt terrible all afternoon but seriously, do you just ask to ride around with people you don't even know? Some of the others in the group have no problem helping some people out by giving them rides but most of us have been playing together for quite a while. What would you have done?
In hindsight I wish I had just said we'd be running errands between playing (which was true) but I was so shocked at the request I didn't think fast enough.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 1:19:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 4:30:56 GMT
Don't worry about it. You were honest and he understood. You weren't a jerk. You had your kids with you and you can't be too careful.
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Post by mom on Mar 18, 2018 4:33:02 GMT
ehhh. I wouldn't worry about it. You don't know him and I wouldn't ever feel bad about being safe.
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Post by Lexica on Mar 18, 2018 4:33:56 GMT
I think you need to go with your gut, and yours told you no. You don’t know this young man and you have the safety of your children to think about too. You might have softened it a bit by saying that since you don’t know him at all yet, you don’t feel comfortable, but that you would like to get to know him and would perhaps be able to include him in your car in the future.
In my mind, I would have a lot of questions that I would need answered first. He may be a delightful, honest young man that is unable to drive due to some disability that you cannot see.
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,427
Jun 27, 2014 2:27:09 GMT
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Post by tanya2 on Mar 18, 2018 4:38:12 GMT
I totally get where you were coming from & that you need to be concerned about your family's safety first & foremost
but I can't help but be a little bit sad for this guy feeling like an outsider
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 18, 2018 4:38:53 GMT
Nope, not a jerk. I too would be leery of that kind of situation and frankly I feel it was odd for him to ask you that way and put you on the spot like that. How old are your kids? It might not be *quite* so weird if they are around the same age he is because he might just be looking to make some friends, but if your kids are somewhat younger it would make my spidey senses go off.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Mar 18, 2018 4:42:18 GMT
I don’t think you were a jerk. It would be strange to have said yes and not even knowing his name. I’ll bet he hasn’t even thought twice about it since then so you can let it go with a clear conscience.
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Post by quinlove on Mar 18, 2018 4:44:13 GMT
I don’t think you were a jerk. It would be strange to have said yes and not even knowing his name. I’ll bet he hasn’t even thought twice about it since then so you can let it go with a clear conscience. This. You did the right thing.
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Post by gale w on Mar 18, 2018 4:45:33 GMT
My kids are 18 and 22. So not really kids, I guess. I totally get where you were coming from & that you need to be concerned about your family's safety first & foremost but I can't help but be a little bit sad for this guy feeling like an outsider I think that's part of the reason I feel so bad. Everyone is being very welcoming to him but it's only been a few days. I also feel a little bad for his mom. It's probably not much fun for her to be driving him around to play.
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Post by LisaDV on Mar 18, 2018 4:51:06 GMT
Don't worry about it. You were honest and he understood. You weren't a jerk. You had your kids with you and you can't be too careful. This.
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Post by scrapmaven on Mar 18, 2018 5:00:52 GMT
You did the right thing. What if he's casing people? Ya, I know I'm paranoid, but you just don't know. I'm guessing if his mom is driving him around he must have some issues, too. That doesn't make him a bad person, at all, but he's a stranger. You aren't a jerk. You utilized common sense. Keep having fun and if he says "hi" you can respond in kind. It's always a good day when you go w/your gut.
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Post by nlwilkins on Mar 18, 2018 5:23:34 GMT
Soothe your guilty feelings by making an effort to get to know him. Next time you see him, smile and perhaps mention that perhaps you were a bit abrupt, but you would like to get to know him better before letting him ride around with you and your kids. Emphasize the kids. Then proceed to talk with him and finding out about him. You might talk the mom as well. She might be keeping him on a short lease for reasons he might not disclose.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Mar 18, 2018 5:25:28 GMT
Nope. He was the jerk for asking a virtual stranger for a lift, when it wasn't an emergency. Your safety and that of your family comes first.
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Post by ntsf on Mar 18, 2018 6:23:26 GMT
it is very possible he is autistic.. and can't drive and is not great with social communication. I hope you are later able to talk to him.. get to know him a bit and maybe talk to his mom. you shouldn't feel bad for not giving him a ride right now.. trust your instincts.. but. I would hopefully continue to welcome him on events.
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Post by pattyraindrops on Mar 18, 2018 6:47:02 GMT
No you weren't a jerk. I may or may not have been ok with him coming with us, but I wouldn't think anything of you saying no.
Now here is a jerk: kicking your own team out of a gym with extra accounts so you can place 5 or 6 of your pokemon in the gym! If you are red or blue please come battle all the yellow gyms so I can place mine in there! (Yes, I have seen him battle the yellow team and then use several devices to put his own yellow mon.)
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Post by LiLi on Mar 18, 2018 7:08:51 GMT
No you weren't a jerk. I may or may not have been ok with him coming with us, but I wouldn't think anything of you saying no. Now here is a jerk: kicking your own team out of a gym with extra accounts so you can place 5 or 6 of your pokemon in the gym! If you are red or blue please come battle all the yellow gyms so I can place mine in there! (Yes, I have seen him battle the yellow team and then use several devices to put his own yellow mon.) They really need to make a "legal" way to get same color team pokemon out of gyms fairly. For the kid asking? I understand where you are coming from and I agree with you. However, it isn't uncommon for this kind of thing to happen. We play magic, and have played some team sports over the years and this happens frequently in some groups. I wouldn't assume he had bad intentions.
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Mar 18, 2018 7:16:07 GMT
Your response was not rude nor overly kind, just nuetral. Being a jerk would have been scoffing at his request and rolling the window up without a response.
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Post by gale w on Mar 18, 2018 7:52:00 GMT
Thanks for the validation. I'm not the type to ever say no to anyone and I know that's not a good thing. And I really don't want it to be known. lol. I'm sure once the weather is nicer and everyone is able to get out of their cars and chit chat we'll all get to know him better. Right now I probably wouldn't even know him if I saw him outside the group. I know what his mom's car looks like though.
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Post by Memo on Mar 18, 2018 10:02:29 GMT
Nope, not a jerk, you went with your instincts because you didn't know him. However, I'm inclined to agree with ntsf. My oldest has Asperger's, is almost 22 and still doesn't drive. He's been away at college in a small college town and has gotten away with using public transportation or Uber/Lyft. He used to love to play Pokemon Go, so I can totally see me driving him around to gyms for battles/raids, etc. We used to do this the last couple of summers he was home. So in your situation, this guy may not have had the greatest of social skills by asking to ride with you out of the blue and not being a jerk, that's maybe all he knows. I hope you give him a chance and get to know him better before totally writing him off.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 1:19:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 10:56:17 GMT
I totally get where you were coming from & that you need to be concerned about your family's safety first & foremost but I can't help but be a little bit sad for this guy feeling like an outsider I think tanya2 has a point. I wouldn't go as far as thinking you were a jerk as I can understand your concerns. It might have been kinder to mention that you had errands to run rather than tell him you didn't feel comfortable. There are many medical reasons that someone can't drive...heart problems, eye sight..... dyspraxia for instance, which affects hand-eye coordination, spatial awareness type of disability. Does anyone in the group speak to him? Maybe next time you see him try and get to know him so he's made to feel more welcome within the group.
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Post by mikklynn on Mar 18, 2018 11:49:39 GMT
Soothe your guilty feelings by making an effort to get to know him. Next time you see him, smile and perhaps mention that perhaps you were a bit abrupt, but you would like to get to know him better before letting him ride around with you and your kids. Emphasize the kids. Then proceed to talk with him and finding out about him. You might talk the mom as well. She might be keeping him on a short lease for reasons he might not disclose. I agree. Although he may have a medical condition that prevents him from driving. I don't think you were a jerk.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Mar 18, 2018 12:02:17 GMT
Absolutely not rude. I hate that women are made to feel that saying no to a situation that makes them uncomfortable is rude.
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Post by hop2 on Mar 18, 2018 12:02:45 GMT
A you weren’t a jerk. Jst try to get to know him as time goes forward and it’s warmer I guess.
As for the driving that could be for any reason medical, he lost his license, or even never learned my 20 yo DD has several friends who don’t drive. Drives me batty because we do not have mass transit here at all so they are always bumming rides. But I digress.
Move forward as you would with any unknown person with caution and kindness.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Mar 18, 2018 12:13:30 GMT
Don't worry about it. You were honest and he understood. You weren't a jerk. You had your kids with you and you can't be too careful. This! Also, he's a grown man, not some ten year old just trying to tag along. His asking is weird and inappropriate. Normal people would realize such a request would be putting you on the spot. Never put politeness over safety.
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Post by PenandInk on Mar 18, 2018 12:16:35 GMT
I know I watch too much Crimminal Minds, but....you were definitely not a jerk! As the weather warms up, and you’re all outside more, you’ll get to know him.
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ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,019
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Mar 18, 2018 12:20:13 GMT
it is very possible he is autistic.. and can't drive and is not great with social communication. I hope you are later able to talk to him.. get to know him a bit and maybe talk to his mom. you shouldn't feel bad for not giving him a ride right now.. trust your instincts.. but. I would hopefully continue to welcome him on events. This was my thought. Lisa G.
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Post by hop2 on Mar 18, 2018 12:56:34 GMT
I will also echo- never discount your gut feelings. It’s your protective measure so always follow your gut/instinct. If you later find your feeling was wrong-great you can change your mind. But if your feeling was right.... well then you might not be here to change your mind.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Mar 18, 2018 13:21:48 GMT
You weren't rude. Perhaps get to know him a bit better in the coming weeks?
Aren't you driving your own 20something kid around? why do you think this kid is weird?
I'm jealous that you still have a community to play with. Everyone here has bailed. I miss playing.
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Post by melodyesch on Mar 18, 2018 14:44:51 GMT
Aren't you driving your own 20something kid around? why do you think this kid is weird? This. When you said your “kids” I was thinking 10 year olds. I still wouldn’t feel bad about not wanting him to ride with you, but I don’t think it’s weird to have someone in his 20’s ask for a lift with college aged kids that he’s seen out several times, even if the moms are driving.
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Post by sean&marysmommy on Mar 18, 2018 14:48:44 GMT
Not rude. Safety trumps etiquette, always.
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