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Post by vspindler on Apr 24, 2018 18:22:49 GMT
I don't know if I'll really have a point but the timing of the in-laws issue post, a phone call from my MIL, and a discussion regarding Mothers Day has several thoughts running through my head that I need to say to someone.
My MIL is a score keeper. She is kind of similar in some ways to the woman in the inlaws thread but doesn't involve my parents. MIL is a classic example of "she means well, but..." She also assumes that if we are not doing a lot with them that we must be doing stuff with my family. Or that if we are doing stuff with my sister (we bowl with her every other week) that counts as spending time with my family, but dh getting together with his brothers doesn't count for hers. She is also prone to attempting to guilt people. If she gets really upset she will pull the "you don't know how lucky you are to have a mother" card. On her birthday this year dh didn't even want to call her, because a call would not be as good as a visit but even if he went over it still wouldn't be enough for her (his words). Either he wouldn't be there long enough, or he'd get the guilt about not seeing him more often, and as he said, if nothing he does will be good enough he really doesn't want to try. When we go up to the family cottage and spend a long weekend with them she will even get teary when we say goodbye. She wants to see her kids but what she wants more is for them to make a thing of seeing her, so she doesn't try to plan family dinners unless she can get everyone there at once to make is a faaaaamily gathering. She really wants the kids to come to her, and to make a big deal about it.
Enter phone call from my mom regarding Mother's Day the same day, almost at the same time, he is talking to his mom.
My mom had to work for YEARS on Mother's Day. Like if I wanted to see her at all I would have to get reservations for brunch where she worked. This year she doesn't have to work and was thinking of having a picnic at her place for those who could/wanted to come (key difference between my mom and my MIL - my mom has a "we are doing X, and we'd love to see you but if you have plans, no big deal" mentality). I find myself cringing at the possibility of going to my mom and dad's for Mother's Day not long after dh is given a "we'd like to see you" guilt trip phone call from his mom, and having his mom find out. Even though the whole family, including dh, would probably want to go. Dh feels a bit guilty if we split up on MD because he is good about wanting to make sure the mother of his children (me lol) gets a special day as well.
I also have been firm from day one of my marriage that I will not manage my husband's relationship with his mother. He needs to call her, he is a big boy so I won't "make" him, etc.
On top of all this my mom/my family is involved in helping with my son's graduation party. However, this is primarily because they have a catering business through which I'm getting a tent, tables, chairs, food, serving dishes, etc. and my mom is an experienced party planner. I just know this will be an issue for MIL, even though mom isnt making any decisions. I'm trying to think of some way MIL can help that won't actually create more work or stress for me and will fit her image of "helping". (I made her cry at my son's birthday party once because I wouldn't "let" her cut the cake. She had tried to take the knife out of my hand.)
I almost wish MIL would be way over the top in terms of pushing boundaries so we would have to set clear ones, or lighten up. This skirting the line tightrope of keeping her happy is exhausting to deal with and I'm not the only one of her DIL's who has anxiety issues from being around her for any real length of time.
Whew, thanks for letting me get that out. I hope everyone else is having an easier time if it than I am at the moment.
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 24, 2018 18:25:02 GMT
She sounds exhausting. You are so right to leave it in your DH's hands.
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The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Apr 24, 2018 18:38:40 GMT
Whew, she sounds exhausting.
A couple years ago I decided that I didn't want to do anything on Mothers Day except relax at home. Mainly I decided this because if we would do something for dh's mom I would end up doing a lot of cooking and cleaning. Guess what??? I am a mother too and I don't want to do this.
My mother in law is mentally draining to me. As she has gotten older it has gotten worse. We don't see her enough. When can you come back. The whole guilt trip. When I do go over I get hammered with questions from a to z. It is so exhausting.
When my dd got so sick last year I totally pulled back from mil duties year round. I have seen her 3 times since Christmas. The good news is that it has made my dh step up and do more for her. Which in the long run is a good thing. |
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amom23
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Post by amom23 on Apr 24, 2018 18:59:59 GMT
My MIL is 81 and still thinks Mother's Day needs to be all about her. She also thinks every single holiday needs to have plans made for it. My mom on the other hand is so easy going and whatever about all that stuff. But in the end it's never about me. I won't do that to my future DIL's.
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Post by littlemama on Apr 24, 2018 19:01:47 GMT
Do we have the same MIL?? She also likes to tell us what events we should attend and how much money we should give as gifts. We are approaching 50 years old and I am done with it!
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Post by cindyupnorth on Apr 24, 2018 19:03:29 GMT
My mother is 4 hours away. I wish I could spend it with her. My dh's mother is here where we live. Usually the day consisted of us as a small family, my dh, my kids, and me going out for brunch, then my dh will go out and see his mother, and I stay home and relax. Works for us.
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Post by llinin on Apr 24, 2018 19:07:02 GMT
My MIL is similar and isn’t very pleasant to boot. I don’t go there for Mother’s Day, I go to the cemetery to see my mom and I let my husband go see her. I’d go to my mom’s cookout if I were you and let your husband figure out the rest with no guilt.
What my husband has taken to doing is omitting most details of our lives. It works because we live 2 hours away. We host birthday parties and all holidays, I keep nieces and nephews, do get togethers and movie night, lots of stuff, all for my side who live here. When she asks what we’ve done on the weekend he always says nothing or went to dinner. He leaves out anything involving other people. She wonders why I work every single holiday as that is what he tells her so she can’t fuss. So now she gets on him about us being hermits lol. However it prevents her from being able to be a martyr or complain that she doesn’t get as much time.
Is MIL crafty at all? If so I’d give her a photo project or decorating project for the party and let her know it is soooooo important. If she’s not crafty I have no idea!
Good luck, I feel your pain!
Laura
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 24, 2018 20:07:42 GMT
I would happily split up the family and let my husband go see his mom for Mother's Day. I'd spend it with my mom. I'd meet my husband back at my mom's house and be happy that both parties were seen. I don't buy into the guilt that other people try to put on me. I am an adult who can make her own choices. I will say that my in-laws are not always thrilled with me though. I have survived it.
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,708
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Apr 24, 2018 20:19:29 GMT
Whenever I read these in-law threads I realize how good I have it! My mother-in-law can drive us all a little crazy but she really isn't that bad!
I guess we are lucky that we all get along for the most part and celebrate most everything together. Although I technically have a very large extended family they are all also very far away. So the only local family is my brother his wife and two kids and my parents. DH his family is very small. He has one brother with a girlfriend and two kids who live near by, + one uncle and three cousins that live far away. The in-laws live close by, very near my parents and my brothers family.
All large holidays are celebrated together. My nephews call my in-laws grandma and papa just like my kids do. This Easter we went to my sister-in-law's mom's ranch to celebrate. This included my in-laws and my parents.
For Mother's Day unless one of us women has a particular desire for something the men are in charge of planning and organizing everything. We have had it here at my house and I did nothing. DH and the kids cleaned and figure out the meal with the rest of the guys. It was nice to spend time as a family together but also have a chance to relax.
It's good for me to read these threads when my MIL does something that is irritating as a reminder of how bad it could be. And what not to be when my kids get married!
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Post by bigbundt on Apr 24, 2018 20:22:52 GMT
Dh feels a bit guilty if we split up on MD because he is good about wanting to make sure the mother of his children (me lol) gets a special day as well. If it were me, not seeing MIL would be a special day! Split up, you see your mom, DH sees MIL, and have your DH give you a special day when you can get the WHOLE day just for you.  It drives me crazy when I hear about moms wanting all holidays and time with their children after they are married. Do they expect their son/daughter in laws to just forget they have a family too? Not realize that time is finite and when more people are added a family, time is divided? And if children come along time is even more divided? |
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Post by destined2bmom on Apr 24, 2018 20:31:04 GMT
I am sorry that your MIL is the way she is to you and your DH. I would go to my mom’s for the day because it is the first time she hasn’t had to work.
Do you think you could spend time on Saturday with your DH’s mom? That way she is not left out for Mother’s Day weekend.
As for your MIL and your son’s graduation; maybe let her help with set up, help to make table numbers or names, make vases of fresh flowers, make a list of what guests give him what gifts?
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Deleted
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Nov 1, 2024 21:27:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2018 21:04:12 GMT
It's such a challenge - my MIL was very much like that, although her substance abuse issues really helped us in setting boundaries over time and we didn't see her often or for very long stretches (and at some point, our kids could never be left with her, even though she thought she should have a right to watch them or have them for sleepovers). My mom is laid back and it helps...in fact her bday is this week and she is busy that day so put us off until a few days after. She has a lot of other issues, but there's never been guilt over when we get together.
Sad thing, is I would never wish my MIL wasn't around regardless of what a pain she was to deal with, but I can honestly say some things are much more peaceful without having to deal with it (which I did for almost 30 years and DH his whole life). REALLY sad thing is she died accidentally in her home most likely on Mother's Day after everyone had been to visit her (well 2 of the 3 kids families visited). We never knew if a visit was going to be "good" or "bad" and we were grateful at the time it was a good visit that day and when we found out later she didn't have alcohol in her system when they did the autopsy.
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PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
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Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Apr 24, 2018 21:24:19 GMT
Given that you always lose according to your mother-in-law's scorecard, I suggest reprogramming yourself not to plan, alter, or dread activities because of her. Live your life & interact with siblings/parents/whomever you wish without a thought to her preferences or inevitable ridicule. There is no reason not to see your own mother or celebrate yourself on Mother's Day just because she selfishly wants to monopolize your time & be the lone recipient of adoration. If your mother-in-law (or anyone else) disapproves of your perfectly legal & moral choices, then remind yourself that her (& anyone's else's) opinion of you is none of your business!
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Post by ladytrisha on Apr 24, 2018 21:34:42 GMT
My parents and my then future ILs were neighbors and friends. We thought.
What we thought was an odd occurrence was when future MIL blew up the friendship with my Mom, and stopped her husband from seeing my Dad to listen to music. That was the first "oh, she has issues".
For over 40 years we all, and especially me, dealt with a steadily increasing paranoia in MIL. She would try and turn family members against others, would tell flat out lies (her sisters finally told me they had a hard time trusting me since I had kept my grandson away from his grandmother). My husband finally looked at them and said "so now the sister who didn't speak to you for 20 years is a saint? Don't even try with us."
It's been over 2 years of mending sabotaged relationships with family that she purposely blew up and complained about - we were evil, she was a victim, they were evil, she was a victim, over and over. And none of it ever happened. It was all assumed conversations we had, supposed visits to my mother that we did "all the time" - I've seen my Mom twice in Texas in the 11 years she's been there - but MIL convinced herself and her sisters that we were ONLY visiting my Mom with HER grandson.
The sad truth is that she not only played favorites with her sons, but also with grandchildren. As soon as the favorite son had a child, ours was dropped like a hot potato. She acted like she wasn't in town all day at their house, but my (now ex-SIL) and I were childhood friends and she knew what a crazed out MIL she had gotten in the bargain. My son grew older, his grandma chose the other kids every single time. He's 26 now and he helped his Dad take her to the Dr appnt - he came home and said "I don't care Mom - she's nothing to me because I meant nothing to her"
She'll live out Alzheimers in a safe home and we'll pay every month out of her money she saved and we'll do it without complaint. She'll get medical care and meds and won't want. But she lost her family long before she "forgot" us - and it was all on her. We've found out that she was forced into seeing a couple of psychiatrists and marriage counselors - nothing stuck. Sad thing is that when she was on Prozac years ago, her sisters convinced her that meds were bad and she could do it naturally. When we told them she was on meds now - they started up and we simply told them No. They've learned that I will protect my MIL, despite all of the years of crap, from harm - even well-meaning harm.
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Post by beaglemom on Apr 24, 2018 22:05:01 GMT
My mil is that way. Her birthday was at the end of March, they were in Cabo. We haven't "gone out" to celebrate it yet and she whined to dh about it the other day saying we needed to take them out for her birthday and for their (inlaws) anniversary. I get the birthday thing, but the anniversary thing threw me.
She called randomly on Sunday morning and asked if they could come by and see the baby (5 weeks old). She wanted to know when the baby would be awake so they could make sure to see her awake. Because I can control when my infant is sleeping. We told her to come over right away - they live 15 minutes away. But apparently my fil had to shower and as with everything it took them forever and it was over an hour till they arrived. She held the baby for 3 minutes and then passed her off to my fil. Then she grilled us about our plans for the weekend. Dh mentioned that our babysitter was coming over later because we were going to dinner, she pushed and he said that we were going out with my parents. My dad's birthday was Saturday, so we were celebrating that night. She made a face and a snide comment. The difference is that my mom called, told me what nights they were free and wondered when it would work for us to go out. Where my husband suggested a couple different times that didn't work for whatever reason for them and was told we would figure it out later.
Both of dh's sisters live out of state. Since our first was born in 2011 we have spent all but 2 mother's days with his mom. The two we "missed" we went 5 hours away to be with my grandmother, who is too old to travel up to us anymore. And at least one of those we did brunch with grandma and then hopped in the car to drive back to be able to take mil out to dinner. Last year dh and I both did a half IronMan race the day before Mother's day. It was 2ish hours away from home. My mom came with us to watch our 3 kids. We stayed at the hotel that night after the race, had brunch in the morning, and then raced back to take his mom out. On the years we haven't been able to see her (twice) she complained for weeks before and after about how she wasn't going to see any of her kids..blah blah. It always has to be about her. The other 5 years she has picked the restaurant and dictated the day.
I was talking to my mom on Sunday and they are headed down to my grandma's again this year. We can't make the trip, we have a 5 week old plus the other 3 kids. Dh sucks at planning such things, so I'm sure it will be another year all about mil.
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Post by ladytrisha on Apr 24, 2018 22:32:38 GMT
Dh sucks at planning such things, so I'm sure it will be another year all about mil. Maybe it's time for a YOU day, if that's what you want. Stay home, rest up, catch up on sleep. Nothing is more exhausting than visiting someone who is already thinking of the next time you'll pick your Mom over her. Been there got the t-shirt and full tub of laundry over the years. Just do you - I'm sure your DH will be okay with spoiling you for a day. |
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Belle
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Belle on Apr 24, 2018 23:05:18 GMT
Maybe you and DH can go to your mom's and hang out for a bit. Then, DH can head out and visit with his mom while you stay with your mom. Your DH picks you up on his way home
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Post by mlynn on Apr 25, 2018 0:47:45 GMT
On top of all this my mom/my family is involved in helping with my son's graduation party. However, this is primarily because they have a catering business through which I'm getting a tent, tables, chairs, food, serving dishes, etc. and my mom is an experienced party planner. I just know this will be an issue for MIL, even though mom isnt making any decisions. I'm trying to think of some way MIL can help that won't actually create more work or stress for me and will fit her image of "helping". Why not just give her a call and ask for some ideas of how she might like to be involved? Less time consuming for you and more likely to please her when you decide how to have her involved. |
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Post by vspindler on Apr 25, 2018 1:00:45 GMT
On top of all this my mom/my family is involved in helping with my son's graduation party. However, this is primarily because they have a catering business through which I'm getting a tent, tables, chairs, food, serving dishes, etc. and my mom is an experienced party planner. I just know this will be an issue for MIL, even though mom isnt making any decisions. I'm trying to think of some way MIL can help that won't actually create more work or stress for me and will fit her image of "helping". Why not just give her a call and ask for some ideas of how she might like to be involved? Less time consuming for you and more likely to please her when you decide how to have her involved. Because there is the issue my stress to take into consideration. And her helping how SHE wants to help will not necessarily correspond. |
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Post by LisaDV on Apr 25, 2018 1:39:33 GMT
I say don't feel guilty and do what you want. Of course, my mil is a bit neurotic and others used to walk on eggshells around her. DH growing up was the only one who would fight with her and tell her how it was. So I follow his lead. So I'll tell her how it is even now. I do try to say things with love and sometimes humor. I'm sure she talked trash and crap about me all the time, she did to me about everyone else. I just let it roll of and enjoy the time when we are together. (usually a couple of vanilla stoli's and sprite help that enjoyment).
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Post by 50offscrapper on Apr 25, 2018 5:29:20 GMT
Sorry about that. We handle mother's day like this: I go with my kids to my mom's. He goes to his mom's. On father's day, my kids and my husband go to his dads. I go with my father. It works great.
My husband then joins us in the evening at my parents.
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eleezybeth
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Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Apr 25, 2018 13:14:17 GMT
How stressful! My MIL is also a score keeper. I have really just stopped caring. Still annoyed, just don't care. She does nothing to see the barriers she puts in front of us. So, so many stories. I would do what you guys want and let it go. It won't be right anyway!
This year will be hell. I'll get dragged through the mud again. I travel the week before and the week after Mother's Day. DH is gone for some of the first week and maybe the second week. Too much shifting in his schedule to rely on him to parent. My mom is retired and can come to watch the kids. I book her, his plans solidify and really I only need her for a week. The tickets were already bought. THEN, ugh, then I realize it is the weekend of mother's day. We have a tradition of taking family pictures every mother's day. It is my thing. Sometimes we do it that weekend or around. But, because my mom is here, I booked them for that Saturday. MIL finds out... great. Now, I offer every single time they are with us to do family pictures. She refuses or says we will take them here. Okay, I do. She will martyr this thing to death. How we didn't ask her to come, why she never gets a photographer, etc. etc. It is always about our family of 5 traveling to them. She does not get that it is expensive and I just can't yank the kids from school. She has seen my 5 year old 3 times in her life. She refused for the first 3 years to even travel to see her. She told DH, "Sorry, I can't meet her but that's on you. It's your turn to see us." Okay... you betcha. GRRRRR!
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azgrandma
Shy Member
Posts: 25
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Post by azgrandma on Apr 27, 2018 2:59:26 GMT
Perhaps you and DH and maybe MIL could celebrate Mother's Day on Saturday and then you could celebrate with your mother on Mother's Day. You have a very good reason to be spending time with your mother on Mother's Day as she has had to work and now she is off. Be firm and tell your DH how you want to handle it. However, your MIL reacts is her problem. You shouldn't have to worry or walk on eggshells.
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Post by lancermom on Apr 27, 2018 4:41:06 GMT
My mother is a scorekeeper and horrible. She even keeps score when I visit my grandparents....her parents! I live next door to my in laws. There could be times I see my mom more than inlaws. But she doesn’t believe it. Recently she caused a war in the family. She actually forgot that I was her daughter. She talked about HER family, but cut me out when naming everyone!
When DH and I had our first baby I cut her out of Mother’s Day. I will call her, but that is it. She only gets two holidays, Chrustmas Day and Thanksgiving and only if she behaves. Last Thanksgiving she started in with me, I pulled the plug on that holiday! I am not dealing with her crazy. My dad is the best. He doesn’t care. Call or don’t whatever. He calls if he needs you, and is there if we need him.
Living next to inlaws has good and bad days. But the bad days are nothing compared to my mother! (Not just DH Parents, but his brother too)
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Post by Really Red on Apr 27, 2018 11:47:34 GMT
Wow. It is hateful to deal with people like this. I lucked out in the MIL field - mine is outstanding and thrilled to see us whenever we can and no guilt when we can't. Lucky me got her in the divorce. When my mom was alive, she was the same. NEVER any guilt about what we could or couldn't do with her. Maybe all of you with difficult MILs should stay home and say this year is about you. For me, Mother's Day was the one day the entire year that was just about me. I often had to work on my birthday and I did stuff every other day of the year, but I am always "off" on Mother's Day. vspindler I am sorry. I understand your stress. You know you have to put it back on your MIL (it's not your problem, it's hers), but that is way easier said than done. ladytrisha I wonder if your MIL had signs of Alzheimer's that went unnoticed. How she acted towards you sounds very familiar. My beloved aunt was fabulous until she turned around 50 and then exhibited similar signs of paranoia like you said about your MIL. It was odd because she could function fine, but some of the stuff she said was clearly OTT. Only she had been exquisite prior to age 50 so people forgave and forgave her or ignored it. She wasn't diagnosed until she was 65!! Looking back, it's clear, but it's not always clear to those close. If your MIL was friends with your parents and she used to function "normally," then maybe she was experiencing dementia before any of you really realized. |
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Apr 27, 2018 12:18:01 GMT
How you spend your time, and with whom is none of her damned business. Be sure to tell her that.
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Post by ladytrisha on Apr 27, 2018 18:35:41 GMT
ladytrisha I wonder if your MIL had signs of Alzheimer's that went unnoticed. How she acted towards you sounds very familiar. My beloved aunt was fabulous until she turned around 50 and then exhibited similar signs of paranoia like you said about your MIL. It was odd because she could function fine, but some of the stuff she said was clearly OTT. Only she had been exquisite prior to age 50 so people forgave and forgave her or ignored it. She wasn't diagnosed until she was 65!! Looking back, it's clear, but it's not always clear to those close. If your MIL was friends with your parents and she used to function "normally," then maybe she was experiencing dementia before any of you really realized. Oh we believe this absolutely. That disease just doesn't pop up - there are warnings that we may put off to "well, she's in a mood". And my MIL's type is very combative, physically and emotionally. We can all look back and see certain behaviors that were similar to her mother (who had it). The psychiatrist says there's a definite mood disorder which added a certain element, but she was "off" at least 15 years prior to her finally telling us "so I've been diagnosed with Alzheimers". And even that was enhanced, as Kaiser diagnosed her with dementia, but the family history was already clear where it was going. The sad thing was that she always put on a game face - part of the show of wanting to fit in, but being so insecure and not knowing how. While I will sorta throw my hands up, jump in and say "well, this will be fun" and try and go with the flow she just shut down. We've pieced together childhood stories, we now have letters when she was dating, married, and then going thru divorce, a child given up, the journals she kept where she had a list on what everyone did to her that slighted her in some way, how she valued herself based on how men valued her sex appeal. For my husband it's been a relief to know "oh so it wasn't just me, it wasn't just my brother - it really was HER". But its all very sad and a bunch of could ofs, should ofs, and what could have beens. One of the saddest writings we found was when they were trying to figure out where to place her Mother deep in the depths of Alzheimers. Her father had died suddenly having kept hidden her Mom's diagnosis so there was a period of time where everybody said "what on earth is wrong with her?" So a search for a home started ... how sad that there was now new treatment (this was the 80s) where dementia patients were no longer tied to their chairs for the day. We had tears reading this. Despite this disease, progress has been made. My MIL is on some mild drugs (to curb the hitting and sex drive) and she has free range of a large home/former hospital with pets, ponies, gardens, all secure and best of all she has a boyfriend which is what she really wanted all her life. (His wife is aware and is okay with it too). |
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