|
|
Post by librarylady on May 9, 2018 15:31:28 GMT
I have always thought the social ploy of "I am not speaking to you" to be a bit childish and I didn't do it.
Now, I find myself doing it. I don't like it, but I figure it is better than saying "eat ---- and die, B"
I'm disappointed in myself but...........
Backstory:
DH and his ex divorced. They had been married 13 years. 5 months later, her GF set us up on a blind date.
We married about 18 months later. We have been married 44 years.
His ex won't let it go. First 25 years of our marriage she created all kinds of drama every chance she could. She worked to alienate his
sons. In 1999, after a grandson was born, I called her one night and suggested we all put on a happy face for the children and grands.
After some back and forth (I can't be in your house/you can't be in mine) things settled down.
We eventually worked out a friendly basis.
For at least 10 years, she and all the children/grandchildren spent Christmas day at our house. We went to her house for Thanksgiving
at least twice. She called DH for some help in repairs etc. He watered her plants when she was on vacation.
Life was peaceful.
Out of the blue 2 summers ago she reverted back to her old self.
Grandson was being baptized, and ceremony was at her church. We were denied an invitation.
DH was so upset he would not speak to his son for about 4 months.
We feel she was at the root of the "no invitation for you" because--she was calling at least 3 times per week to talk to DH. Then 30 days before the event, she quit calling. We even remarked that her calls had stopped.
The week after that event, she called DH to be all sweetness and joy. He hung up on her. He has not answered her text or calls since.
We also learned that she has trash talked him, his father and me in last 3 years to her new neighbors.
Anyway, we have to see her at graduations etc. We just ignore her and don't sit anywhere near her.
I feel justified because I don't need back stabbing in my life, but I also don't like the cold atmosphere at what should be happy
events.
So, am I (and DH) being jerks?
|
|
|
|
Post by deshacrafts on May 9, 2018 15:38:35 GMT
I don't think you are being jerks. I think she is a trouble maker. She must find some kind of pleasure by causing trouble in your family. It's really sad that your DH didn't get to see his Grandson get baptised and I'm thinking he didn't get to see him for quite a long time as well. What a nasty woman.
|
|
|
|
Post by sunnyd on May 9, 2018 15:39:38 GMT
The no invite to the grandson's baptism was on dh's son, not dh's ex-wife. Dh should have called his son & said, hey, we want to come, when where, etc.? If the son had a problem with your attendance it could have been discussed in that convo. Also, when I hear people talking trash about others like she did about you to her neighbor, it honestly reflects on them more than it does on the person they are talking about, IMO. So her talking to her neighbor about me would be none of my business. I'd move on and be cordial to ex and nurture the relationships with the children/grands. Good luck!
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on May 9, 2018 15:46:01 GMT
I don't think it has to be all or nothing.
Before the ex wife was constantly in your life. Calls 3x a week? Thats nuts.
But I also think you should slap a smile on your face for a 2 hour graduation.
Go to graduation, sit near the family. Smile. Be respectful. Then go your separate ways.
By being pissy and not being around your family you are basically saying whatever is going on with the adults is more important that the grandkids. And I doubt that is true.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrssmith on May 9, 2018 15:49:31 GMT
The no invite to the grandson's baptism was on dh's son, not dh's ex-wife. Dh should have called his son & said, hey, we want to come, when where, etc.? If the son had a problem with your attendance it could have been discussed in that convo. Also, when I hear people talking trash about others like she did about you to her neighbor, it honestly reflects on them more than it does on the person they are talking about, IMO. So her talking to her neighbor about me would be none of my business. I'd move on and be cordial to ex and nurture the relationships with the children/grands. Good luck! That's what I was going to say. Since this has gone on for decades (!!), avoiding her/not engagin is perfectly reasonable. I wouldn't worry about HER neighbors (are they in your life in any way?). |
|
|
|
Post by Skellinton on May 9, 2018 15:56:30 GMT
I understand she sounds like a shrew and makes life very difficult, but if I were you I would choose to be the bigger person because there are kids and grandkids involved. I would be cordial and not ignore her because that just makes other people uncomfortable. I have several people I have to interact with at family gatherings I would have nothing to do with if it were up to me, but in the interest of mutual loved ones I smile and act like everything is fine at social gatherings. I don’t seek these people out, but I would rather be uncomfortable myself then make anyone else uncomfortable. It doesn’t hurt me or cost me anything to put on a happy face at gatherings.
|
|
|
|
Post by Zee on May 9, 2018 16:09:15 GMT
Well obviously if the story is as you say it is then you don't need justification in not speaking to her. But I think we're missing a bit of the story here--why would adult son cut his father off from his grandson for absolutely no reason after years of peace? Did anyone ask him? Did he give a reason?
|
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on May 9, 2018 16:36:51 GMT
You are nicer than me. I would have told her to eat shit and die.
I would attend every event, but other than a polite "hello", I would not speak to her.
|
|
~Susan~
Pearl Clutcher
You need to check your boobs, mine tried to kill me!!!
Posts: 3,259
Jul 6, 2014 17:25:32 GMT
|
Post by ~Susan~ on May 9, 2018 17:05:46 GMT
So glad I don't have to deal with DH's ex wives..UGH
|
|
|
|
Post by sleepingbooty on May 9, 2018 17:33:24 GMT
You are nicer than me. I would have told her to eat shit and die.  |
|
|
|
Post by librarylady on May 9, 2018 21:33:29 GMT
Well obviously if the story is as you say it is then you don't need justification in not speaking to her. But I think we're missing a bit of the story here--why would adult son cut his father off from his grandson for absolutely no reason after years of peace? Did anyone ask him? Did he give a reason? Because the family is well trained to never make her angry. I find fault with DH because he dances to her tune --early in our marriage he said he lived with feuding divorced parents and he will NEVER put his sons in the middle of things. DH is treated as an afterthought because he puts up with it. And the entire family lives if fear of making her angry. I am the 2nd wife, so I let others handle things as I don't want to be the instigator of family drama. It is DH's job to work out his family "stuff." The weekend of the baptism, on Friday, son told his father that the baptism was happening on Sunday, via phone call. DH expected next sentence to be place and time. His son changed subject and moved on to other things. DH would not ask (I would have) Later, when son sent photos of baptism, I replied with, "We were disappointed to not be invited." Son then sent his explanation: We didn't know time until late, so we could not invite you. DIL is a shit stirrer and a few months later, she brought it up to me and had a different reason of why we were not invited. "We knew DH was at his volunteer job." I told her he was not, and even if it were his day to volunteer, we would have changed. So then she had another reason, I shot that down also. DIL always waits until men are not in the room/area to bring up stuff she wants to start drama over. |
|
|
|
Post by Zee on May 9, 2018 21:39:44 GMT
Well obviously if the story is as you say it is then you don't need justification in not speaking to her. But I think we're missing a bit of the story here--why would adult son cut his father off from his grandson for absolutely no reason after years of peace? Did anyone ask him? Did he give a reason? Because the family is well trained to never make her angry. I find fault with DH because he dances to her tune --early in our marriage he said he lived with feuding divorced parents and he will NEVER put his sons in the middle of things. DH is treated as an afterthought because he puts up with it. And the entire family lives if fear of making her angry. I am the 2nd wife, so I let others handle things as I don't want to be the instigator of family drama. It is DH's job to work out his family "stuff." The weekend of the baptism, on Friday, son told his father that the baptism was happening on Sunday, via phone call. DH expected next sentence to be place and time. His son changed subject and moved on to other things. DH would not ask (I would have) Later, when son sent photos of baptism, I replied with, "We were disappointed to not be invited." Son then sent his explanation: We didn't know time until late, so we could not invite you. DIL is a shit stirrer and a few months later, she brought it up to me and had a different reason of why we were not invited. "We knew DH was at his volunteer job." I told her he was not, and even if it were his day to volunteer, we would have changed. So then she had another reason, I shot that down also. DIL always waits until men are not in the room/area to bring up stuff she wants to start drama over. Well then they can all suck it. |
|
|
|
Post by librarylady on May 9, 2018 21:41:13 GMT
The no invite to the grandson's baptism was on dh's son, not dh's ex-wife. Dh should have called his son & said, hey, we want to come, when where, etc.? If the son had a problem with your attendance it could have been discussed in that convo. Also, when I hear people talking trash about others like she did about you to her neighbor, it honestly reflects on them more than it does on the person they are talking about, IMO. So her talking to her neighbor about me would be none of my business. I'd move on and be cordial to ex and nurture the relationships with the children/grands. Good luck! I agree 100%. I would have asked that day, but it is not DH's style. DH knows it is on son, and that is why he did not speak with son for about 4-5 months. But, DH won't discuss with son. He wants son to ask why he is angry, and (IMO) son won't bring it up because he knows he did his father wrong. --I can't change their lack of talking about things, I just have to live with it. After 44 years, I'm very tired of crap that has no reason. I've exhausted my supply of "be nice to her." All the grandchildren on his side are grown and at this point, they can either accept that we are married or move on down the road. |
|
|
|
Post by Lexica on May 9, 2018 22:15:52 GMT
I think this woman has some deep issues to be still carrying the battle axe for all these many years. Can I assume she never remarried? She needs a new man or some hobbies, but there isn’t anything you can do or say about that. I find it extremely odd that she was calling your DH 3 times a week! What on earth about?
Going forward, I would spend my energy solidifying a relationship with his children and the grandchildren. Attend every function that you can and don’t necessarily ignore the ex, but be pleasantly neutral with her. Greet her as if she was a distant coworker, no emotions, just a polite warm hello. This will go a long way toward diffusing any crap she has fed their children about the two of you. Let them see you being the bigger people. You don’t need to hug and ask any questions of her, just say hello and move on. If she tries to talk to you, answer as politely and in monosyllabic words to discourage a back and forth discussion about anything.
ETA: can the two of you start issuing invitations to lunch or dinner as an informal way to start a deeper bond with everyone? Not a party where the ex isn’t invited, just a casual get together with one couple at a time?
|
|
|
|
Post by disneypal on May 9, 2018 22:20:47 GMT
It amazes me that 45 years later, this woman still can't just move on and let bygones by bygones.
You are not being jerks. Do what you need to do to reduce drama in your life, it just isn't worth it.
|
|
Marina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,543 
|
Post by Marina on May 9, 2018 22:32:20 GMT
I don't think it's necessary to have a relationship with the ex outside of family celebrations. Being cordial at a graduation is what adults should do for the sake of the kids. I would not engage with her beyond social pleasantries if possible and try to rise above. It's clear she has boundary issues and emotional problems. How sad for both of you to be excluded from an important event.
And how sad that the kids are held hostage to her anger and don't know how to deal with things. I know your DH won't bring it up with his son but that may be the only way for him to learn. Silence is punitive but not instructive.
I wish you all the best at the graduation!
|
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on May 10, 2018 0:54:10 GMT
Ok, if your in a room with all his children and grand children and she walks in and says ‘Hello librarylady’. Do you:
A ) say hello and when opportunity arises you try to go have some other conversation elsewhere without her. Maybe play with a grand kid or read a book or whatever.
B ) you get real busy with something anything and make like you didn’t even hear her.
C ) in front of everyone you just turn away and it’s pretty clear that you ‘cut’ her, and ignore her
D ) she comes in and you respond to her hello with something true but sassy like ‘I don’t have time to waste on people make drama’.
E ) you respond with ‘look bitch, leave me alone I have no time for back stabbing drama bitches like you’.
If it’s A ) your a saint and not rude at all
If it’s B ) your anormal human being whose been hurt and don’t want to be further hurt
If it’s C ) well might appear slightly rude without context but hey who wants to be hurt again and again.
If it’s D ) Might be a tad bit rude maybe, but hey, your keeping it real 😜
If it’s E ) wow that’s probably pretty rude in front of grandchildren but hey she’s been a bitch to you.
I don’t think not engaging with people who have done you wrong ( especially repeatedly ) is rude. I think all of my list above are normal human reactions to being in that type of situation. However for the benefit of the others involved it’s probably a good idea to keep options C & beyond inside your head.
So no, I don’t think your being rude
|
|
|
|
Post by thracian on May 10, 2018 23:43:55 GMT
It amazes me that 45 years later, this woman still can't just move on and let bygones by bygones. You are not being jerks. Do what you need to do to reduce drama in your life, it just isn't worth it. I agree with all of this. |
|
kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,667
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
|
Post by kate on May 10, 2018 23:50:54 GMT
I've got no advice, but I'm sorry you have to deal with her.
|
|
|
|
Post by crimsoncat05 on May 10, 2018 23:52:53 GMT
The no invite to the grandson's baptism was on dh's son, not dh's ex-wife. ^^^ that. Your DH shouldn't even have had to call and ask about it, in my opinion- if your DH's son wanted him to attend his grandchild's baptism, he should have invited you both to attend! If you feel your DH's ex might be 'poisoning the well' so to speak, then maybe your DH should have ONE conversation with everyone who might have to hear her BS, and just say 'I have no enmity towards her- so anything you hear from her is NOT truthful' and then just leave it at that. Being cordial at a graduation is what adults should do for the sake of the kids. I would not engage with her beyond social pleasantries if possible and try to rise above ^^^ treat her like you would treat any other stranger, as far as social pleasantries. If there's anything personal brought into it, just let it be done by her instead of you guys, and try your best to not engage in her petty games. Your DH's kids should see through her by now, I would hope, anyway .But, DH won't discuss with son. He wants son to ask why he is angry, and (IMO) son won't bring it up because he knows he did his father wrong.
It sounds like there's communication issues on both sides- most likely your DH's son knows full WELL that he was in the wrong, which is why he won't bring it up. So I think your DH really HAS to, if he wants to get past it moving forward. Everyone is an adult here, and someone has to make the first move-- your DH can show his son that he's the 'bigger person' so to speak, by doing it himself. You should ask your husband, how many more years does your DH want to lose out on those family relationships because his son "should" be the one to bring it up instead of him doing it himself, and talking about how it made him feel? (I know it can be tough- I grew up in a family of 'stoic' German/Swedish farmstock ancestry, where no one talked about how ANYTHING made them feel, EVER-- but it isn't conducive to healthy long-term relationships, at all... now that I'm an adult, I'm trying to break that habit, but it's hard.) |
|
