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Post by mom26 on Jun 20, 2018 0:54:07 GMT
I've no idea how to title this better but here is the scenario:
DS (20) has never really had an interest in dating to date, but met a girl (17, turning 18 in a few weeks) at work that he likes a lot. She seemed to like him, too, and asked him out for a lunch date a few weeks ago.
It went well and plans were made to go the movies last weekend.
Thirty minutes before he was to leave to pick her up for the movie date, she texts that she can't go. Her mom wants to spend the day with her. The WHOLE day.
Okay. Good relationship with her mom is not a bad thing, right? However, I do think it incredibly rude to have your child cancel a date/commitment at the 11th hour, but that's me. A little red flag went up, but not a big one.
Today they were to go on a picnic. DS got up extra early (he didn't get off work till after 1am last night, so getting up early wasn't so easy) and spent the morning preparing food and packing a cooler. Paying attention to the tiniest details, including bringing an extra umbrella for her because rain was in the forecast.
Shortly before he was to leave for the picnic, she texts that her grandma has a dr's appt. Picnic is pushed back 2 hours.
It later gets pushed back another hour, for reasons unclear. Something about her dad.
Finally, 4 hours later, DS gets the go to pick her up. It's raining cats and dogs so the picnic is a no-go. They go to the mall to see a movie instead.
Ten minutes in at the mall, her phone rings. Friend is in the hospital, date over and he drives her home.
DS came home and was pretty disappointed in how the whole day went but chalked it up to her having 'bad luck'.
Yeah...no. I'm seeing red flags.
If nothing else, she's flaky and doesn't know how to schedule her time properly or keep her commitments.
I also think she's on the rude side, but I'm in a somewhat 'mama bear' mode so perhaps cooler Pea heads can talk me down from that.
So, bring on your thoughts. Would you advise to give it another go or say, "Son, cut your losses and move on"?
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,718 
Location: Ohio
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Post by StephDRebel on Jun 20, 2018 0:56:12 GMT
I would encourage him to give her the next card.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:32:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2018 0:56:28 GMT
I think I might give it another try, but that would be it.
I'm seeing red flags like you though.
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,710
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Post by Dani-Mani on Jun 20, 2018 0:57:09 GMT
She’s not that into him.
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Post by Linda on Jun 20, 2018 0:58:47 GMT
I think he needs to be the one to realise that she's not as into him as he is into her. Anything negative that you say is more likely to put him on the defensive and want to prove you're wrong.
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 20, 2018 1:00:09 GMT
It is up to your son to decide. While he is new at this, he probably will get a gut feeling about her soon enough if she is a flake. She's also 17 and probably used to being more controlled by her family. I wouldn't automatically assume red flags, but it is something to watch for certainly. As a mom, I feel for you, but I also know that when couples sometimes talk about the beginning stages of their relationships, they have stories like these.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Jun 20, 2018 1:00:54 GMT
I see red flags, too. The family is either too intertwined (why did her grandparent's dr appointment affect her ability to go on this date?), or she's being dishonest. The call 10 minutes into the movie would be the final straw for me.
I'd tell my son to let her take the lead if she is really interested.
I'm sorry his first dating situation hasn't been the best.
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Post by mom26 on Jun 20, 2018 1:01:17 GMT
I would encourage him to give her the next card. Gotta tell me what this means! Is it that she should move on to the 'next' guy? |
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Post by mom26 on Jun 20, 2018 1:02:58 GMT
I think he needs to be the one to realise that she's not as into him as he is into her. Anything negative that you say is more likely to put him on the defensive and want to prove you're wrong. I completely agree. I'm not saying anything, but the thoughts in my head are kind of loud.  |
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Post by mom on Jun 20, 2018 1:03:34 GMT
He needs to move on. She is either not mature enough to handle dating (wont keep plans, bails 10 min a movie) or she just isn't into him and doesn't know how to say so.
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,849
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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Post by hannahruth on Jun 20, 2018 1:03:44 GMT
It is his decision BUT (there is always a but) I would not be encouraging him to pursue this relationship at all.
Time to move on.
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Post by mom on Jun 20, 2018 1:04:26 GMT
I think he needs to be the one to realise that she's not as into him as he is into her. Anything negative that you say is more likely to put him on the defensive and want to prove you're wrong. I completely agree. I'm not saying anything, but the thoughts in my head are kind of loud. ROFL I have the same problem - but trust me - make the thoughts be quiet. Ask questions about how it makes him feel, etc. Just don't give your opinion! SaveSave |
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Post by annabella on Jun 20, 2018 1:09:28 GMT
It is up to your son to decide. While he is new at this, he probably will get a gut feeling about her soon enough if she is a flake. Kids that age can be naive and just continue to go with the flow. I think he shouldn't ask her out again, let her do the ask, so just wait it out. If she does, then instead of saying yes he should say "are you sure that's a good time for you, I don't want to get another cancellation or postponement from you at the last minute" |
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Post by padresfan619 on Jun 20, 2018 1:11:02 GMT
She isn’t that into him but can’t be honest, she is half ghosting him.
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Post by mom26 on Jun 20, 2018 1:12:46 GMT
I completely agree. I'm not saying anything, but the thoughts in my head are kind of loud. ROFL I have the same problem - but trust me - make the thoughts be quiet. Ask questions about how it makes him feel, etc. Just don't give your opinion! SaveSaveOh, I am doing my best! He asked me to go with him to walk the dog a bit ago. After a time, I asked if he was okay. He said, no, not really, but it was water under the bridge and he'd rather talk about happier things. So that's what we did. I know he'll come to me when or if he wants solid advice, I'm just trying to figure out what advice I should give. *sigh* |
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Post by myshelly on Jun 20, 2018 1:18:06 GMT
I hate flaky people, but I would suggest that at the age of 17, still living with her parents, etc., she may not have as much control of her own time and her own schedule as your son is.
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PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,843
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Jun 20, 2018 1:18:12 GMT
Without firsthand experience as the parent of a dating child, I would encourage your son to determine whether he wants to continue investing time & effort in a person who's proven to be inconsiderate & disrespectful.
- If he wants to pursue her, perhaps plan activities that don't require time & expense for him on the front end such as meeting at the mall. He won't have invested time & money in the date when she inevitably cancels for alleged family commitments.
- If he decides to move on, he simply would not make future plans with her; no discussion or announcement required. If confronted, he could state the obvious, "it seems you don't have time to date right now."
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:32:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2018 1:18:23 GMT
She sounds like she overextends herself. I don't think I'd offer any advice to my son at this point unless he asks. Hopefully these last two "dates" were just flukes and if not, that he'll at least grow tired of her antics on his own.
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Post by MichyM on Jun 20, 2018 1:22:13 GMT
I wouldn't do either. I'd let your son decide if he wants to pursue her, on his own.
ETA: sorry, just scrolled down and saw that you're letting him figure things out on his own. Good job!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:32:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2018 1:22:14 GMT
At 17 chances are good her parents are freaked out about her dating a TWENTY year old... to them he seems TOO OLD for her. Yeah, I get that she is 18 soon and it really isn't that big of an age gap but to some girl's parents it can seem like a decade and he is an "old" man trying to take advantage of their little ten year old. So I'll go with they give her tasks at the last minute knowing she is still in the live at home childhood mind set she has to do whatever her family tells her to do.
If it were my son my advice would be to stop asking her out until either she asks him out or she has moved out of her family home into an apartment of her own. She still needs to make the transition from childhood to adulthood.
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Post by mom26 on Jun 20, 2018 1:25:01 GMT
Without firsthand experience as the parent of a dating child, I would encourage your son to determine whether he wants to continue investing time & effort in a person who's proven to be inconsiderate & disrespectful. - If he wants to pursue her, perhaps plan activities that don't require time & expense for him on the front end such as meeting at the mall. He won't have invested time & money in the date when she inevitably cancels for alleged family commitments. - If he decides to move on, he simply would not make future plans with her; no discussion or announcement required. If confronted, he could state the obvious, "it seems you don't have time to date right now."I think that may be the perfect response for him if it comes down to it. Thank you. |
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,718
Location: Ohio
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Post by StephDRebel on Jun 20, 2018 1:26:51 GMT
I would encourage him to give her the next card. Gotta tell me what this means! Is it that she should move on to the 'next' guy? yes, exactly. I have a mental image of someone slamming on a buzzer and hollering NEXXxXXT! Keep jogging man, I'm not the one for you. |
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Post by chaosisapony on Jun 20, 2018 1:54:32 GMT
My gut says she just isn't that into him. There can be a big maturity gap between a 20 year old and a 17 year old. Also, with her still being a minor I'm sure her parents have different expectations and requirements for her than you do for your older son.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,949
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Post by scrapngranny on Jun 20, 2018 1:56:48 GMT
I would brace him for the fall. Be prepared to pound into his head, it’s her not him. Also, let him know he is better than to have his emotions toyed with.
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Post by msdintz on Jun 20, 2018 2:05:47 GMT
My advice to him would be to not to call this girl, let her reach out.. if she’s interested, she will. She sounds flaky and seems to be making an awful lot of excuses. I go all momma bear when I think my kids are getting played, lol it’s hard to stay out of it but I do!
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jun 20, 2018 2:13:34 GMT
I have a needy family but my friends would never have texted and told me i needed to go home. Also my parents respected my social life and dating life.
Where were young men like this when we were younger? My son is like your son and BFF's daughter's boyfriend is the same. They have upped their game! Bigtime!
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Post by mom26 on Jun 20, 2018 2:15:31 GMT
My gut says she just isn't that into him. There can be a big maturity gap between a 20 year old and a 17 year old. Also, with her still being a minor I'm sure her parents have different expectations and requirements for her than you do for your older son. As a mom of sons AND daughters, I'm sure they do. And almost 18 and 20 IS a larger gap than say, 24 and 26. Absolutely. I've been through the dating angst with DS' five older brothers and sisters. It does NOT get easier, let me tell you. What I have learned is to keep my concerns/doubts to myself unless asked straight up. It's great to be able to get my thoughts out here so that it's easier to do that. Thanks, ladies. |
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Post by papersilly on Jun 20, 2018 3:23:05 GMT
I don't think she's into him. A girl who likes a boy will find a way to spend quality time with him. I think your son is just a space filler for her until something, practically anything, comes along. Your son deserves someone better.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:32:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2018 3:43:09 GMT
He is a keeper, she is not. Hopefully he will find someone who knows how great he is.
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Post by mom26 on Jun 20, 2018 4:20:19 GMT
He is a keeper, she is not. Hopefully he will find someone who knows how great he is. At the risk of sounding super sappy, that is the sweetest thing to say. You don't know my DS, but he IS a keeper. I'm keeping this in my back pocket to say to him when he needs to hear it the most. Thank you, @megmc. |
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