scrappinghappy
Pearl Clutcher
“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
Posts: 4,307 
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Post by scrappinghappy on Jul 11, 2018 19:46:07 GMT
i had a fall out with a “friend”, L, about a year ago. I didn’t know it at the time but she was under pyschiatric care for bipolar disorder.
She was never really very nice to me but I will own that part of the falling out was my fault. We were both part of a fairly tight group of woman and we were planning a bridal shower for one of our daughters. During all the planning, when I should have kept out of something not concerning me, I said something in a group text where the texts where flying that appeared out of place in the thread and was misinterpreted. I apologised before anything else was said but the insult was already taken. Following that she involved another friend of hers, not in our group, but someone I was friends with on FB, and with whom I have other mutual friends. This friend of hers is a therapist if that counts. Anyway this friend of hers flew off the handle at me in a FB message calling me and the rest of the group some pretty hateful names. She was absolutely not interested in hearing anything in my/our defense.
I was soooo upset. I went to one of our (therapist and mine) mutual friends, lets call her B, and told her the story and how upset I was at not being asked for and listening to the other side of the story. Mutual friend is closer with therapist and while she saw my point, she couldnt understand why the therapist did what she did.
end result a year later is that the original tight group is closer, every one has been a great support to me. However the friendship I had with B has become more distant. I can’t blame it entirely on this incident as there have been other changes in her life too. The part I don't know if I am over reacting about is my BFF, N, is friends with both L and another friend of L’s who lives out of state. At least twice now, when this out of state gal is in town, the three of them have got together. Each time I have found out from someone else. Last night N, B, L and L’s friend all went out to dinner and someone else whomsaw them and doesn’t know all the history asked me why I wasn’t with them which is how I found out. I’m hurt that BFF would hide that from me. She’ll own it if I ask her about it but I wish I had heard it from her.
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Post by pierkiss on Jul 11, 2018 19:49:08 GMT
You need to ask your best friend why she is actively avoiding you when she comes to town.
Let the rest of that shit go.
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scrappinghappy
Pearl Clutcher
“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
Posts: 4,307
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Post by scrappinghappy on Jul 11, 2018 19:51:19 GMT
My BFF lives right here. She avoids telling me about the get togethers which I find hurtful. Not that they are getting tgether but that its been done “behind my back” so to speak
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Post by destined2bmom on Jul 11, 2018 19:51:32 GMT
I’m sorry that you went through that with your friends. Maybe your BFF was asked not to tell you and didn’t want to get put in the middle of anything. I know it’s hard to be left out, but considering what happened with this L, it might be for the best for you. Years ago I had a similar thing going on so I can completely understand your side of things. It’s hard when people aren’t honest and you hear things from other people and are left out.
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Post by pierkiss on Jul 11, 2018 19:55:30 GMT
Oh I’m sorry I misunderstood.
I think it’s fine for her not to tell you about the get together. Because she knows that you’ve had a falling out with the other person.
I would be hurt by it too. But I would also be ok with not being invited, as I don’t want to be around people I don’t get along with.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 11, 2018 19:56:15 GMT
First off, please edit your post so that you use fake names for the letters, it's really hard to follow. I THINK I have the gist of the issue. I have never felt like my friends needed to include me in all of their functions or friend dynamics. You don't like L, why would you expect to be included in a small gathering where L and one of L's friends is there?
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jul 11, 2018 19:58:15 GMT
Am I correct that you are upset that your BFF goes out with other friends and you aren’t invited. One of these friends is one you’ve had a falling out with? If that’s right, I think it’s none of your business. I got nothing else because I really don’t get how she’s required to tell you anything she does with other friends. Is the fact she has other friends the issue?
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scrappinghappy
Pearl Clutcher
“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
Posts: 4,307
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Post by scrappinghappy on Jul 11, 2018 19:58:56 GMT
I definitely don’t want to be included. I would not have gone if I had been invited. But I’m hurt at the fact that BFF feels the need to hide it from me.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jul 11, 2018 20:00:49 GMT
I think she’s not telling because 1) it’s none of your business, and 2) even if she’s your BFF, it’s still none of your business.
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scrappinghappy
Pearl Clutcher
“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
Posts: 4,307
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Post by scrappinghappy on Jul 11, 2018 20:01:17 GMT
I don’t even care that she is friends with them or goes out with them without me. I would just rather know about it so I dont feel blind sided and caught off guard. I happened to text her while she was out with them and even then she did not tell me.
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scrappinghappy
Pearl Clutcher
“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
Posts: 4,307
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Post by scrappinghappy on Jul 11, 2018 20:02:30 GMT
It is none of my business which is why I think I’m over reacting. Just need perspective from someone else.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Jul 11, 2018 20:03:21 GMT
My BFF lives right here. She avoids telling me about the get togethers which I find hurtful. Not that they are getting tgether but that its been done “behind my back” so to speak I would not look at this as something my best friend is keeping from me. I just don't feel like my friends are required to check with me if they do something I'm not invited to/interested in. |
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Post by christine58 on Jul 11, 2018 20:05:36 GMT
My BFF lives right here. She avoids telling me about the get togethers which I find hurtful. Not that they are getting tgether but that its been done “behind my back” so to speak So ask her why you're being left out regardless of whether you want to go or not. |
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Post by papersilly on Jul 11, 2018 20:05:40 GMT
My BFF lives right here. She avoids telling me about the get togethers which I find hurtful. Not that they are getting tgether but that its been done “behind my back” so to speak the point is that they are getting together behind your back. to ME, asking her would be inviting an answer that you probably don't want to hear. the fact that that they doing it behind your back is a question asked and answered already. apparently they see fit to not include you AND not tell you. again, for ME, i wouldn't want or need an explanation. the act itself is all the explanation. don't let this eat at you. if you can still enjoy hanging out with your BFF, then enjoy that time together. if she also wants to get together with others but without you, that's her decision. i think asking her may put her in an awkward position and may really strain your friendship. |
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christinec68
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,673
Location: New York, NY
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Post by christinec68 on Jul 11, 2018 20:08:32 GMT
I understand what you're saying but I don't think there's anything to do. The role of BFF doesn't mean she needs to tell you everything and maybe the dynamics of your relationship with her other friends makes her feel a little awkward.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jul 11, 2018 20:09:16 GMT
I don’t get why you would be blindsided. I really am not unstanding why you need to know when she’s out with other friends. Someone says, “I saw BFF our with L and other friend” and you say, “Oh, that’s nice.”
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Post by destined2bmom on Jul 11, 2018 20:09:20 GMT
scrappinghappy I understand that you are feeling blindsided and I think the other feeling you are experiencing is undermined. Just sit down with BFF and let her know that you don’t care if she is friends with her and goes out with her. But you would like to know ahead of time so that you don’t text her and you don’t get blindsided by other people asking why you weren’t there. I think every time you get asked by others, it brings up those painful memories.
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scrappinghappy
Pearl Clutcher
“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
Posts: 4,307
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Post by scrappinghappy on Jul 11, 2018 20:09:49 GMT
My BFF lives right here. She avoids telling me about the get togethers which I find hurtful. Not that they are getting tgether but that its been done “behind my back” so to speak the point is that they are getting together behind your back. to ME, asking her would be inviting an answer that you probably don't want to hear. the fact that that they doing it behind your back is a question asked and answered already. apparently they see fit to not include you AND not tell you. again, for ME, i wouldn't want or need an explanation. the act itself is all the explanation. don't let this eat at you. if you can still enjoy hanging out with your BFF, then enjoy that time together. if she also wants to get together with others but without you, that's her decision. i think asking her may put her in an awkward position and may really strain your friendship. Thank you. I was debating saying something but dont want to lose any more friends over this. |
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
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Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jul 11, 2018 20:09:58 GMT
I don’t even care that she is friends with them or goes out with them without me. I would just rather know about it so I dont feel blind sided and caught off guard. I happened to text her while she was out with them and even then she did not tell me. I'm not sure what you feel blind-sided about? Why does it matter that she goes out with other people and doesn't tell you? Do you feel this way if she goes out with other friends and doesn't tell you? I don't expect people I text to tell me where they are and with whom when they reply. Not really my business, and I don't necessarily tell people any of that when they text me unless I'm explaining that I can't really talk/text right now. |
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 11, 2018 20:11:30 GMT
It is none of my business which is why I think I’m over reacting. Just need perspective from someone else. Maybe overreacting, but I get the fact you kind of want to know. I'd try to just silently let it go. My guess is your friend wants to stay out of it. Things generally work themselves out. You ex friend will most likely pull this on someone else. Time is your friend. |
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Post by katlady on Jul 11, 2018 20:12:48 GMT
I don’t even care that she is friends with them or goes out with them without me. I would just rather know about it so I dont feel blind sided and caught off guard. I happened to text her while she was out with them and even then she did not tell me. She probably thinks you will care and that is why she isn’t telling you ahead of time. If things with your bff and you are good, then she is probably not telling you because you may be hurt, or maybe it would make her feel guilty. It hurts to be left out, but we don’t get invited to everything or even made aware of everything. I would let it go, especially since you don’t like the other gal anyways. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 11, 2018 20:15:18 GMT
I definitely don’t want to be included. I would not have gone if I had been invited. But I’m hurt at the fact that BFF feels the need to hide it from me. I'm going to say this gently. I think you need to alter your perspective on what a friend is obligated to share with you. I would be really disturbed if my friend expected me to notify her about my other social engagements. I'd frankly alter our friendship. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:43:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2018 20:17:19 GMT
I don’t even care that she is friends with them or goes out with them without me. I would just rather know about it so I dont feel blind sided and caught off guard. I happened to text her while she was out with them and even then she did not tell me. If you really don't care if she goes out with them and you aren't invited, then why do you feel blindsided or caught off guard? Does she need to tell you when she goes out with her spouse, sibling, parent, next door neighbor? To me, you really DO care they go out without you. I get the feeling you are actually experiencing a feeling that BFF is being disloyal and not so BEST Friend with her disloyalty by keeping a friendship with someone you have cut ties with. Personally, you seem controlling to know what another adult who is not your spouse is doing with other adults. I'd drop you as a friend if I caught wind you felt you needed to know who I was going out to dinner with. As if I needed to tell you anything about my other friendships. Next time some asks you, tell them other adults have a right to go out without your approval first. |
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iowgirl
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by iowgirl on Jul 11, 2018 20:18:33 GMT
My BFF lives right here. She avoids telling me about the get togethers which I find hurtful. Not that they are getting tgether but that its been done “behind my back” so to speak She is not telling you, because it obviously upsets you. I definitely don’t want to be included. I would not have gone if I had been invited. But I’m hurt at the fact that BFF feels the need to hide it from me. I wouldn't look at it that she is hiding it from you. She is friends with the other two, who are very upsetting to you. Would you think she told the other two when she was going out with you? I would say at this point it doesn't concern you and to let it drop. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:43:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2018 20:20:14 GMT
I definitely don’t want to be included. I would not have gone if I had been invited. But I’m hurt at the fact that BFF feels the need to hide it from me. IMO, she wasn't hiding it any more than she "hides" other information about her life from you. You aren't her mother that she needs to get permission from. Why do you want to know when she goes out with someone you don't like? Does she have to tell you when she goes out with someone you don't know? |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jul 11, 2018 20:21:30 GMT
I don’t even care that she is friends with them or goes out with them without me. I would just rather know about it so I dont feel blind sided and caught off guard. I happened to text her while she was out with them and even then she did not tell me. I think you should really look at this because you do care. I’m being very blunt for a reason. Your expectations are not the norm for a friendship. I’m literally reading some these responses with my mouth hanging open because this is not how friendship works. Your relationship with BFF is your business. Her relationships with others is not your business. She is not responsible for your hurt feelings or feeling blindsided because she is friends with others and spends time with them without you. |
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Post by lucyg on Jul 11, 2018 20:22:45 GMT
I am in the camp of "life is too short to waste time worrying about my BFF getting together with someone I don't get along with and not telling me about it."
You won't be blindsided anymore, because now you know they get together sometimes without you. Let it go, smile and say "that's nice" if someone mentions seeing them, and go on with your life. <-- I think someone said that upthread already. I am just reinforcing.
I can tell you I've had friends who felt "possessive" and would question me about getting together with other people when they weren't included or didn't know about it. It is not a discussion that's conducive to reinforcing a friendship. Generally speaking, I would start easing away from someone who acts like that. It makes me feel smothered.
The other stuff ... just walk away from those people. You don't need them in your life making you crazy.
ETA something else I just thought of. I was brought up never to discuss social events in front of people who weren't invited. That it makes people feel bad to be excluded. So that's another reason it wouldn't occur to me to talk about social plans with others to you when you clearly aren't being included.
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Post by summer on Jul 11, 2018 20:22:57 GMT
You are over reacting. Please don’t be upset with your friend for not telling you when she hangs out with people you’ve had a falling out with. I am currently in a similar situation. I don’t bring up when I see the other friend because it’s awkward to be put in the middle and I don’t want to hurt my friend who had the falling out. I’m not choosing sides, I’m remaining friends with both parties and just see them separately now and don’t talk to either friend about the other friend they no longer socialize with.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:43:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2018 20:23:11 GMT
scrappinghappy I understand that you are feeling blindsided and I think the other feeling you are experiencing is undermined. Just sit down with BFF and let her know that you don’t care if she is friends with her and goes out with her. But you would like to know ahead of time so that you don’t text her and you don’t get blindsided by other people asking why you weren’t there. I think every time you get asked by others, it brings up those painful memories. Say that to me and we are DONE as friends.. best or casual. I do not have to tell anyone who I go out with, when, where or why. I owe no other woman an explanation like I am a wayward child. If the op feels blind sided that is HER problem to deal with. |
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scrappinghappy
Pearl Clutcher
“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
Posts: 4,307
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Post by scrappinghappy on Jul 11, 2018 20:29:56 GMT
Thanks everyone. You really put it into perspective for me. One can always rely on the peas.
I guess i do feel a little betrayed but it really isnt anything worth losing a friendship over and so long as I understand my feelings I can deal with them alone.
Definitely wont say a word to BFF.
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