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Post by needhelpplease on Jul 29, 2018 1:54:31 GMT
i have been married to this man almost 20 years. When we got married I had never met his children due to his bad divorce. My husband races motorcycles, I never missed a race I was always there for him because I love him. My son has always lived with us he is 25 now and my husbands son is 34. Last year at the last race his son comes up and they are over joyed to see each other. Next week he gives his son his motorcycle, trailers full use of our shop. The only time his son comes over is to work on the motorcycle. This takes a minimum of 100 hours per week.
My son Spent a couple of years before he didn’t race and helped my husband a lot.
There were rules that had to be followed when my son raced which I agree with, for example pay your helps way in the track. Don’t buy new tires every week...new son does. I could go on and on. My son feels pushed to the side because my husband spends a lot more time with his son.
I believe his son is here for the free ride. He doesn’t come to the house other than to work on his motorcycle and go to the race. My son is hurt because he feels he got the shaft, so he sold all his stuff and is working towards building a house. To me it’s a very selfish sport due to the amount of time spent at it not including money. I thought this time in my life I would be developing a strong bond with my husband. His son has a daughter and a girlfriend. Maybe I am jealous because I stood by him during all his years of racing, I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I love him I am just very lonely and I don’t feel he has the love for me I feel he could take me or leave me...and honestly who wants to feel that way.
sorry for the long post
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Post by dewryce on Jul 29, 2018 2:01:28 GMT
I have no advice to offer except to ask if you've had an honest conversation with you husband. And wanted to extend my sympathy, you are right, no one wants to feel that way and I'm sorry that you do.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 29, 2018 2:01:29 GMT
Change is hard. Upheaval is even harder.
Your dh is probably trying to make up for the years he missed with his son.
Give it time. It may settle down.
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Post by MichyM on Jul 29, 2018 2:06:35 GMT
You don't say if you've spoken with your husband about how you're feeling. If you haven't, my advice is that is the very first place I'd want to start.
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AmandaA
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,502
Aug 28, 2015 22:31:17 GMT
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Post by AmandaA on Jul 29, 2018 2:08:43 GMT
I am sorry. I would imagine seeing your son get pushed aside would add insult to injury. I don’t have any great advice for how to approach DH, but I don’t think it is healthy for any relationship to have the children trump the spouse.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 29, 2018 2:33:04 GMT
needhelppleaseTrying to figure out the age gaps. Your dh is 34 years old and you have been married for 20 years. 34-20= 14 Years. How old are you? Your son is 25 years old. From which relationship is his father from. How much older are you from you husband. No judgement, just trying to figure out the logistics.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,580
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jul 29, 2018 2:35:10 GMT
needhelpplease Trying to figure out the age gaps. Your dh is 34 years old and you have been married for 20 years. 34-20= 14 Years. How old are you? Your son is 25 years old. From which relationship is his father from. How much older are you from you husband. No judgement, just trying to figure out the logistics. Her DH's SON is 34, I think.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 1, 2024 2:48:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2018 2:36:05 GMT
i have been married to this man almost 20 years. When we got married I had never met his children due to his bad divorce. My husband races motorcycles, I never missed a race I was always there for him because I love him. My son has always lived with us he is 25 now and my husbands son is 34. Last year at the last race his son comes up and they are over joyed to see each other. Next week he gives his son his motorcycle, trailers full use of our shop. The only time his son comes over is to work on the motorcycle. This takes a minimum of 100 hours per week. My son Spent a couple of years before he didn’t race and helped my husband a lot. There were rules that had to be followed when my son raced which I agree with, for example pay your helps way in the track. Don’t buy new tires every week...new son does. I could go on and on. My son feels pushed to the side because my husband spends a lot more time with his son. I believe his son is here for the free ride. He doesn’t come to the house other than to work on his motorcycle and go to the race. My son is hurt because he feels he got the shaft, so he sold all his stuff and is working towards building a house. To me it’s a very selfish sport due to the amount of time spent at it not including money. I thought this time in my life I would be developing a strong bond with my husband. His son has a daughter and a girlfriend. Maybe I am jealous because I stood by him during all his years of racing, I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I love him I am just very lonely and I don’t feel he has the love for me I feel he could take me or leave me...and honestly who wants to feel that way. sorry for the long post Have you talked to your husband that you were looking forward to the end of his racing career so you could spend more time just the two of you? By attending EVERY race you may have spent 20 years giving the impression you loved the racing as much as he did. I am guessing dad is trying to make up lost time with HIS son, not a "new son" as you referred to him. If they are spending 100+ hours a week on motorcycle work/racing I"m not sure when you expect the husband's son to visit for non motorcycle reasons. Sounds like motorcycle racing in all absorbing for both of them. Given how quick your son was to sell off all of his stuff it sounds like he wasn't that obsessed with it in the first place... I would just ask the dh to spend more time with ME, not attempt to make the money spent between the boys "equal" because it can never be equal as I'm sure your dh has invested a lot of money and time in housing, clothing, food, sports for your son in 20 years time too. If money IS an issue make it about retirement plans and lack of retirement savings, not about the money going to his son.
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Post by needhelpplease on Jul 29, 2018 2:36:36 GMT
needhelpplease Trying to figure out the age gaps. Your dh is 34 years old and you have been married for 20 years. 34-20= 14 Years. How old are you? Your son is 25 years old. From which relationship is his father from. How much older are you from you husband. No judgement, just trying to figure out the logistics. Sorry to be unclear - my husband is 58, I am 50, my so is 25, his son is 34
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 1, 2024 2:48:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2018 2:37:50 GMT
needhelpplease Trying to figure out the age gaps. Your dh is 34 years old and you have been married for 20 years. 34-20= 14 Years. How old are you? Your son is 25 years old. From which relationship is his father from. How much older are you from you husband. No judgement, just trying to figure out the logistics. Her dh's SON is 34. Her son is 25. They've been married almost 20 years (19 years and some months most likely)
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Post by nlwilkins on Jul 29, 2018 2:47:23 GMT
Any conversation you have with your husband about the sons is bound to just cause anger and misunderstanding. It is never good to appear to come between a parent and a child. Even though that is NOT what you are wanting to do, that is what it will look like.So be sure to make the conversation about you and him and about your relationship with each other. Determine just what it is you want and how much you are willing to compromise before initiating a discussion.
You have not said how long this has been going one with the son using the shop, etc. Give it time and perhaps the son's true "colors" will show through, or your husband will see the light.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 29, 2018 11:13:57 GMT
Volt's advice is good advice! I'm sure he's thrilled to have his son back in his life after all these years.
I'd have a conversation with him and see if you can't carve out some time for yourselves. I'd hope he would happily commit to a couple nights a week just you and him (his son's girlfriend will probably thank you for it too.)
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Post by katiejane on Jul 29, 2018 12:21:54 GMT
I think you need to talk about time for you and him. If you want time for the pair of you, you are going to have to ask for it.
It sounds like he and his son have found common ground and starting to build the relationship again. Having lost that relationship once, I doubt he will want to give it up now. I am sure all the time together is figuring out how to build a relationship again. It sounds like racing is the common ground they are holding on to to build it. I am sure they both feel they have missed out on alot with each other.
Your son might feel jealous, but he has had all that time and energy with DH that his son has missed out on and we all know how complicated aparent child relationships are.
You can help your son see this relationship as positive and work together as a family to support it. But it's gonna be complex and messy. It always was, you just might not have seen that before.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 1, 2024 2:48:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2018 12:52:24 GMT
You supported your husband's hobby in hopes that he would get over it someday and do things you wanted to do?
I know that would not work with my dh. And if I started talking about him spending more time with me, he would view it as nagging.
I would find some friends and activities and do what I wanted to do and let him spend time with his long lost son. I would Get control of my finances and make sure my retirement income is secure and he can't use it for his hobby. It sounds like your son already figured this out since he is building a house now.
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Post by elaine on Jul 29, 2018 13:10:05 GMT
I’ll be the one to suggest marriage counseling. The sooner the better. You two need a mental health professional or a pastoral counselor to help you work the multitude of issues out.
When it comes to wanting your husband to spend less time with his son that he didn’t spend time with for 19 years, you will need tread lightly and carefully. You may want to focus on asking him to spend more time with you and your son, and let him figure out how to do that.
That said, all the sons involved are adults in their own rights, including your own. If he is having issues with your husband, he is old enough to discuss them with your husband without using you as a go-between. If you want to be involved in those discussions, then maybe family therapy is the way to go, but I would encourage your son to try to discuss on his own first.
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Post by gigi333 on Jul 29, 2018 13:36:28 GMT
It seems like your husband has done a lot for your son
He is probably just so excited to have his own son back in his life
Have you tried inviting the son, with his girlfriend and child to come for dinner etc, I would try to make room for your husbands newly found family in your lives
Once I realized I didn’t get in terribly well with my cousins wife but I made a huge effort with his brothers wife as I adore his brother, but I realized I missed him, I started making a big effort with his wife and then she changed how she viewed me, and our relationship has really blossomed, I’m very glad I made that decision
Your husband must have felt a lot of guilt doing so much for your child and not seeing his own, this is probably his dreams come through
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jul 29, 2018 13:39:52 GMT
It has been my observation that men build and maintain relationships through "parallel play". In other words, they DO things together and truly find that the ACTIVITY they engage in while in proximity to each other is bonding. They may never have deep and heartfelt conversations, but they may build a relationship nonetheless.
So while the son may be in it for a free ride, he just may be using this shared interest as a way to bond.
Just a thought.
I am sorry that your expectations for your relationship are not panning out. I would say it might be time for you to start finding and pursuing your own interests rather than attending every race. Build the life you want for yourself rather than waiting for other participants.
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,353
Jun 27, 2014 12:39:18 GMT
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Post by amom23 on Jul 29, 2018 13:49:32 GMT
I speak from experience when I say divorce can be messy for kids. Sounds like your DH's children lived with their mother and you guys didn't have much if any contact with them? So I'm guessing your step son finally reached out to his dad and your DH is finally getting the chance to have a relationship with his son. That is a good thing and you can't hold it against your step son that it took him so many years before contacting his own dad. Have you talked to your DH about the time commitment the racing is still taking? You knew this was his "thing" when you married him so it might be unrealistic to assume/hope he'd just quit it all one day.
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,520
Location: So Cal
Jun 26, 2014 16:42:12 GMT
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Post by caangel on Jul 29, 2018 15:36:05 GMT
It has been my observation that men build and maintain relationships through "parallel play". In other words, they DO things together and truly find that the ACTIVITY they engage in while in proximity to each other is bonding. They may never have deep and heartfelt conversations, but they may build a relationship nonetheless. So while the son may be in it for a free ride, he just may be using this shared interest as a way to bond. Just a thought. I am sorry that your expectations for your relationship are not panning out. I would say it might be time for you to start finding and pursuing your own interests rather than attending every race. Build the life you want for yourself rather than waiting for other participants. This is totally true of my DH. He is a stereotypical introverted and hates small talk. On the other hand I'm an extroverted introvert. I like hanging out with people and know a ton but need me time to recharge. I finally told him we need to do more as a family with other families. The kids and I do a lot with other families but he rarely is involved. I asked what he would be willing to do. His big thing is he doesn't want to go to dinner and be forced to hold conversations with people but he doesn't mind if there is an activity like trivia night or camping. I would find dinner out so much easier while he is the complete opposite. Good thing to keep in mind.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 29, 2018 15:54:07 GMT
I speak from experience when I say divorce can be messy for kids. Sounds like your DH's children lived with their mother and you guys didn't have much if any contact with them? So I'm guessing your step son finally reached out to his dad and your DH is finally getting the chance to have a relationship with his son. That is a good thing and you can't hold it against your step son that it took him so many years before contacting his own dad. Have you talked to your DH about the time commitment the racing is still taking? You knew this was his "thing" when you married him so it might be unrealistic to assume/hope he'd just quit it all one day This. You said it was a messy divorce. So there may have been bad things shared with son over the yrs from the ex wife towards your dh. He also must have lived with the Mom all these years. Did your dh have visitation? pay child support? etc? There is always some back story. You need to tread lightly around this Have you reached out to son and his family? invited for dinner? or done picnics or such at the race track? I am very very familiar with racing, mainly cars. They become obsessed with it, like you said. Sometimes this is a life long hobby, involving lots of money and time. You need to talk to you dh about it. What is his long term plans with it? always race? never give it up? or cut back? I have seen lots of divorces over the commitment to racing. You guys need to come up with a plan for the future together. I sense some jealousy between you and son towards the dh. The son who was never around just swoops in and is gifted with all these things and time. You have to remember their history though. Along with reinforcing the good history your son and dh had prev.
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Post by papersilly on Jul 29, 2018 16:06:27 GMT
It has been my observation that men build and maintain relationships through "parallel play". In other words, they DO things together and truly find that the ACTIVITY they engage in while in proximity to each other is bonding. They may never have deep and heartfelt conversations, but they may build a relationship nonetheless. So while the son may be in it for a free ride, he just may be using this shared interest as a way to bond. Just a thought. I am sorry that your expectations for your relationship are not panning out. I would say it might be time for you to start finding and pursuing your own interests rather than attending every race. Build the life you want for yourself rather than waiting for other participants. Well said.
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