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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2018 3:16:41 GMT
We have been Stateside the last few weeks. Last week we stayed with my mother as she had signed up my son for a claymation workshop that a local art school was giving. Now keep in mind that the majority of the trip I stayed with my great-aunt (my grandmother’s sister-my mom’s side). She is the one that raised me as my mom left me with her when I was two.
So the first two two days were good and she was in a good mood. But it quickly began to feel as though we were in her way. She started being highly critical of me and then started in on the kids. At one point she screamed at the kids to be quiet in the car (they were making normal chatter). It scared my little girl and she was clinging to her big brother’s arm because she is not used to being screamed at.
my mom started to complain about how difficult Dd was at meals (she is a typical picky eater, but will eat when you coax her into it). I felt so judged and just on a roller coaster the entire time. We got up Saturday morning and I start to work on breakfast for the kids and she start school complaining about Ds. I was like really.....that kids speaks three different languages and has adapted to living in a foreign country. Can you not say ONE good thing!?!? She yells at me how she cannot say anything to me and storms off. She grabs her keys and goes out to the grocery store, comes back and takes a shower and then goes to her room and lays down, ignoring us for a good two hours. My aunt asks her if we are sticking to plans of going to her horse barn. She shrugs her shoulders. My aunt tells her we are leaving then to go back to TN (we were in Va). We quickly packed the car. She came out for chilly goodbyes and went back in the house before we had even pulled out of the driveway.
We are only Stateside once every couple of years. I am just devastated at how it all went down. We drove 10 hours straight back to my aunt’s house. She has yet to call to see how our trip was.
She pretty much illustrated what my life was like the times that I did live with her. I am pissed she treated my kids this way....I feel sorry for her that she is such a miserable person...and I hate that I am having any emotions about it at all. I should know better by now.
I know many of you have struggled with parents that are horrible. How do you deal with it?
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:03:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2018 3:23:04 GMT
We have been Stateside the last few weeks. Last week we stayed with my mother as she had signed up my son for a claymation workshop that a local art school was giving. Now keep in mind that the majority of the trip I stayed with my great-aunt (my grandmother’s sister-my mom’s side). She is the one that raised me as my mom left me with her when I was two. So the first two two days were good and she was in a good mood. But it quickly began to feel as though we were in her way. She started being highly critical of me and then started in on the kids. At one point she screamed at the kids to be quiet in the car (they were making normal chatter). It scared my little girl and she was clinging to her big brother’s arm because she is not used to being screamed at. my mom started to complain about how difficult Dd was at meals (she is a typical picky eater, but will eat when you coax her into it). I felt so judged and just on a roller coaster the entire time. We got up Saturday morning and I start to work on breakfast for the kids and she start school complaining about Ds. I was like really.....that kids speaks three different languages and has adapted to living in a foreign country. Can you not say ONE good thing!?!? She yells at me how she cannot say anything to me and storms off. She grabs her keys and goes out to the grocery store, comes back and takes a shower and then goes to her room and lays down, ignoring us for a good two hours. My aunt asks her if we are sticking to plans of going to her horse barn. She shrugs her shoulders. My aunt tells her we are leaving then to go back to TN (we were in Va). We quickly packed the car. She came out for chilly goodbyes and went back in the house before we had even pulled out of the driveway. We are only Stateside once every couple of years. I am just devastated at how it all went down. We drove 10 hours straight back to my aunt’s house. She has yet to call to see how our trip was. She pretty much illustrated what my life was like the times that I did live with her. I am pissed she treated my kids this way....I feel sorry for her that she is such a miserable person...and I hate that I am having any emotions about it at all. I should know better by now. I know many of you have struggled with parents that are horrible. How do you deal with it? Recognize this is NOT about you! It is about her and her limitations. Sounds like she wants to be an active involved parent/grandparent but for whatever reason her limit is 2 days or less. If you decide to stay in contact just plan on keeping visits with her to either a day trip or just a hour or two a day for a longer period. My guess is one day all day visit is about all she can handle emotionally/physically. It isn't you, it is her limitations. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:03:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2018 3:34:12 GMT
I hear ya Volt. But we live overseas. She won’t see me or the kids for another two years.
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Post by lucyg on Aug 1, 2018 3:39:44 GMT
I agree with Volt. Plan a 1-2 day visit next time. It doesn't matter that you only see her every couple of years. This is all she can handle, and it's better to have a brief but happy visit with her rather than a week of stress and anxiety on all sides. You already know she's a crappy mother. You don't want your kids to figure it out the hard way, right? If she complains you aren't visiting her long enough next time, you can tell her a longer visit seems to stress her out. I'm sorry she's so difficult.  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2018 3:45:07 GMT
I hear ya Volt. But we live overseas. She won’t see me or the kids for another two years. I understand you live overseas and only come home every few years. Reality is HER coping ability is 2 days or less. Circumstances can't change her innate ability to cope with the extra activity, noise, disruptions to her daily routines a houseful of guests bring. You are wanting a mother she can't be. The visits will go better if you can be realistic about her abilities to cope; be realistic about who she is and what she can handle. You may need to consider a hotel to stay at so the she, you and the kids have a break from each other in the evenings/mornings. I love my mom dearly. We get along great for 2.5 days. She always wants me to spend all my vacation time with her. I have 2 full weeks off at Christmas. There is no way mom can cope with me in her house that long. I stay real about it. I keep my visits to 2 days. |
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Post by MichyM on Aug 1, 2018 3:52:29 GMT
Yes, so everything Volt said. Trying to cram several years worth of time together into a week doesn't work for who your mom is. You need to recognize her limitations. The sooner you can come to terms with it, the happier you all will be when you do spend time together.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:03:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2018 4:17:59 GMT
You guys are right. So right.
When we were planning our trip, she actually suggested that we fly in near her. I played it off that she would be working and it was better to stay with my aunt. We wouldn’t have stayed so long if the workshop that she booked for my son was not the whole week. But I hear you guys, I think next time we will stay at a hotel. I just hate that I even let myself get upset about it. I should know better by now.
Just sucks balls, you know.
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Post by quinlove on Aug 1, 2018 4:59:52 GMT
((( allipeas ))). You do whatever you have to do, to be able to live with this situation. None of this is your fault. ❤️
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Post by Hayjaker on Aug 1, 2018 5:00:48 GMT
I hear ya Volt. But we live overseas. She won’t see me or the kids for another two years. It does suck. It’s her loss. Predictable is preventable. In the future you should only plan to stay with her for two days tops. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2018 5:26:44 GMT
Sorry! I have compassion for you and your desire to have a better relationship. I have compassion for your mom. She has limitations based on her own wiring and/or experiences. We all do the best that we can in that moment in time. She may not do your best in some areas. You may not do her best in other areas. But try to remember she's doing the best SHE can.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 1, 2018 10:50:00 GMT
I’m sorry your dealing with that. It’s not you it’s her. And if even go so far as to not visit her next time. Who needs ‘memories’ of thier grandmother scaring them? That will not make for fond memories for your kids or a relationship between grandchildren & grandparent.
Hugs
I hope the rest of your visit goes smoothly!
I hope your son enjoyed the claymation?
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Aug 1, 2018 11:09:39 GMT
You have gotten great advice above. When you are here limit your time with your mother. Truly HER loss!
(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
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jacquesym
Shy Member
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Post by jacquesym on Aug 1, 2018 11:22:11 GMT
I hear you. I have a difficult relationship with my Mom. It is a good thing we live 500 miles apart and only see each other once a year. I have learned we can enjoy each other for 3 days. If our visits are longer we end up in conflict.
She recently came up to visit us and stayed a full week with me. The last 3 days were HARD. I did everything to avoid arguing with her, including leaving my own house for a couple of evenings.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,975
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 1, 2018 11:34:17 GMT
She just can't be who you want her to be. A normal, functioning, happy person, mother and grandmother. For whatever reason, she can't be that. So, as Volt said, live within her limitations. 2 days and you're out. Enjoy the rest of your trip. And remember, you did nothing wrong and none of this was your fault.
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Post by mollycoddle on Aug 1, 2018 11:59:50 GMT
I didn’t have horrible parents, but I am sorry that your mom is such a miserable person. Her loss. But how lucky that you have your great aunt.
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 1, 2018 12:00:39 GMT
My inlaws are never around kids and can last about 90 minutes with kids before they lose it. I wish it were different but it isn’t. It’s a lot of the same stuff you describe—yelling at them for completely normal kid chatter, criticizing them for no reason, etc. As the kids have gotten older and have been able to articulate their feelings about it, they have made clear that it upsets them to be on the receiving end of it. We’ve tried talking to them but it’s pretty unlikely that people pushing 70 are going to make changes they aren’t internally motivated to make.
We see them about twice a year on average. I have a bunch of ground rules and they help. One, we do not ever share living quarters—they or we stay at a hotel, or we go to a third location and everyone stays at a hotel. Two, we organize the day so that they are not around the kids for more than ninety minutes at a time. Three, we have a hard stop at night of 8PM; the kids and the grandparents all start going south by that point.
It’s not perfect. We still have issues. Including the fact that my inlaws are in denial about the fact that they just can’t deal with children, so bristle when we set up boundaries. But I think it is better to be realistic than to pursue a happy-families vision that will never come to pass (my MIL gets upset because she wants to “all have a lovely breakfast at home together,” conveniently forgetting that the last time we shared a house about ten years ago, she was screaming at the kids at that hour because she didn’t like that they were talking at the breakfast table).
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Post by Rainy_Day_Woman on Aug 1, 2018 12:02:14 GMT
That does indeed suck. I hope you had a great visit with your aunt and your son liked the class  |
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janeliz
Drama Llama
I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.
Posts: 5,666
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Post by janeliz on Aug 1, 2018 12:09:24 GMT
I can’t say I’ve successfully dealt with my complicated relationship with my mother. Coming to terms with the reality that your mom will never be what you desire or need her to be is like being on a rollercoaster. Along with the confusion and heartache comes guilt as she gets older and is in poor health. I like the advice you’ve been given about accepting her as she is and reminding yourself that it’s not you. She is who she is, and she’s unlikely to change now.
I’m sorry that your visit hasn’t been the happy, restorative time with family that you deserve.
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Post by elaine on Aug 1, 2018 12:21:35 GMT
((((Hugs))))
I’m sorry that the visit went so poorly.
As everyone has said, it isn’t you, it is her and her limitations. You, my dear, deserve better, and so do your kids. But, you have what you have in your mom, and you have gotten some great advice for making future visits less frustrating.
(((Hugs))) again.
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Post by pelirroja on Aug 1, 2018 13:10:51 GMT
It is what it is. Now that you fully know what her limitations are, make sure to set yourself up for success by not spending more than 2 days in a row with her. Make sure you get a hotel room so you have somewhere to escape to when you need to establish some boundaries during your visits. ((hugs)) Having a difficult mom myself, I feel your pain. It's not you but you will need to set (and enforce) limits on the time you spend together. Even though she fully intends to enmesh and be active with you and your family, it just isn't in her skill set.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,891
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Aug 1, 2018 14:00:37 GMT
I'm sorry. I limit my time with people like that, even close family members. I would like to be closer, but it just doesn't work out that way. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, but now I consider it their loss. Big hugs for you.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Aug 1, 2018 14:18:54 GMT
All the true and wise things have already been said. I'm just here to give you a hug and tell you I get it. And I'm sorry. It's a rotten feeling and I hate it for you.
I ignored the above wisdom a couple of months ago, and my mom came to stay with me for a week. I knew better. Two days is my limit. It took a month to stop feeling all the sorrow afterward.
I hope the rest of your trip here will overshadow the disappointing time at your mother's. (((HUGS)))
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
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Post by mallie on Aug 1, 2018 15:31:07 GMT
We have been Stateside the last few weeks. Last week we stayed with my mother as she had signed up my son for a claymation workshop that a local art school was giving. Now keep in mind that the majority of the trip I stayed with my great-aunt (my grandmother’s sister-my mom’s side). She is the one that raised me as my mom left me with her when I was two. So the first two two days were good and she was in a good mood. But it quickly began to feel as though we were in her way. She started being highly critical of me and then started in on the kids. At one point she screamed at the kids to be quiet in the car (they were making normal chatter). It scared my little girl and she was clinging to her big brother’s arm because she is not used to being screamed at. my mom started to complain about how difficult Dd was at meals (she is a typical picky eater, but will eat when you coax her into it). I felt so judged and just on a roller coaster the entire time. We got up Saturday morning and I start to work on breakfast for the kids and she start school complaining about Ds. I was like really.....that kids speaks three different languages and has adapted to living in a foreign country. Can you not say ONE good thing!?!? She yells at me how she cannot say anything to me and storms off. She grabs her keys and goes out to the grocery store, comes back and takes a shower and then goes to her room and lays down, ignoring us for a good two hours. My aunt asks her if we are sticking to plans of going to her horse barn. She shrugs her shoulders. My aunt tells her we are leaving then to go back to TN (we were in Va). We quickly packed the car. She came out for chilly goodbyes and went back in the house before we had even pulled out of the driveway. We are only Stateside once every couple of years. I am just devastated at how it all went down. We drove 10 hours straight back to my aunt’s house. She has yet to call to see how our trip was. She pretty much illustrated what my life was like the times that I did live with her. I am pissed she treated my kids this way....I feel sorry for her that she is such a miserable person...and I hate that I am having any emotions about it at all. I should know better by now.
I know many of you have struggled with parents that are horrible. How do you deal with it? Stop putting yourself and your kids in a no-win situation. You KNOW what she is like. She's not going to change. She's always going to treat you and your kids like crap. Stop providing the toilet. |
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 1, 2018 15:31:21 GMT
I'm so sorry your visit went that way.
Thank God for your aunt.
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,635
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Post by amom23 on Aug 1, 2018 15:36:41 GMT
I think it's perfectly acceptable to grieve the mother you never had. But accepting her for who she is and more so for who she can never be will go a long ways in healing. This is about your mother NOT about you as a daughter. I speak from experience and it used to suck, but my life has moved on and I'm so happy to say I'm a better mom to my own kids.
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janeinbama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,257
Location: Alabama
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Post by janeinbama on Aug 1, 2018 15:40:58 GMT
It is so obvious that you are a great Mom and your kids will have happier memories of you and their childhood. Your Great Aunt sounds like a wonderful lady, you must take after her!
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:03:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2018 17:46:06 GMT
I can’t say I’ve successfully dealt with my complicated relationship with my mother. Coming to terms with the reality that your mom will never be what you desire or need her to be is like being on a rollercoaster. Along with the confusion and heartache comes guilt as she gets older and is in poor health. I like the advice you’ve been given about accepting her as she is and reminding yourself that it’s not you. She is who she is, and she’s unlikely to change now. I’m sorry that your visit hasn’t been the happy, restorative time with family that you deserve. Oh...this. She is 65 and lives alone, so yeah...a whole lot of guilt heaped up in there. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2018 17:57:35 GMT
You guys are soooo awesome. I visited her out of obligation and not out of want. But you guys are right, no matter the circumstance, the limit has to be set. I have already completely cut ties with my uncle (he is a drug addict who stole my grandmother’s pain meds when she was dealing with cancer) and she makes me feel like shit because I have no contact with him. But my kids are way more important than her feelings. Sad..
I literally would be 6 feet under if it weren’t for my aunt. She truly is my guardian angel. She makes up tenfold what my mother lacks and my children love her as if she were their grandmother. That is alright with me.
Thank you guys for letting me come here and lick my wounds.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 1, 2018 18:03:48 GMT
Hugs - I'm sorry it didn't go as you hoped.
My dad had a hard time being around grandkids for extended periods and is very rigid in his schedule. I vividly remember walking into a swarm of preschool grandkids were playing noisily in the their living room and being shocked to see my dad reading the paper. He'd turned off his hearing aid and held the paper so he couldn't see or hear the kids. It worked for the few minutes my mom, sis and I had been in the kitchen.
My mom adored the noisy mess of the grandkids and kept in dad check to a degree, but I also reached the point where we stayed in hotels when visiting my parents.
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Post by alsomsknit on Aug 1, 2018 18:12:25 GMT
You are under no obligation to allow her in your life. She doesn’t deserve the privilege. ((((Hugs))))
Personally, I took a lot from my mother. When my son started to be effected, I was done. Yes, I wonder how I will feel/handle her passing. She thinks I will love her one day, again. She works that way. Love is conditional. I don’t hate her. I feel sorry for her. Ultimately, I learned to love myself more and that I deserved so much more than she could ever offer.
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