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Post by ladytrisha on Aug 1, 2018 18:37:01 GMT
You describe a lot of what my MIL was like pre-Alzheimer's.
The psychiatrist she has now said it was an obvious mood disorder issue and was surprised she didn't receive mental health care.
I walked away ages ago because I had to be mentally healthy and she was just awful full of petty jealousies and imagined slights to her. Once we made the decision that OUR family came first, it was easier. My son was the first grandchild to turn his back after she went after him - we gave him absolute permission to do so. We didn't want our child raised as we were where family gets a free pass. The other 2 grandkids have walked away as well.
She's in her own world now anyway so sadly it got easier for all of us to be distanced.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 1, 2018 18:47:23 GMT
Oh, how sad and disappointing. Especially hurtful because it feels like a double rejection; your mother is cold toward you and your children.
I can tell you that this is not about you or your children. My mom and I had a difficult relationship and I often felt like my son was pushed aside because of it.
Your story is so much deeper. I can empathize with you wanting to feel loved and welcome and accepted by your mother. I can empathize with how crushing it is when reality is cold.
I know it's cliche, but your mom is the one who loses out here. I'd love to sit and chat with you and your interesting and well traveled children, and I know a lot of ladies who would give anything to have you all in their circle of love.
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,672
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 1, 2018 19:49:45 GMT
There is a lot to unpack here. The peas have some wise words for you to take to heart. I totally agree with so many comments. First, this isn't about you. This is about her. She could be putting up a wall to protect herself for the inevitable time when you all leave. She could be the type of person that doesn't like others disrupting her routine. Bottom line is for the next visit, it's probably best to stay at a hotel. Maybe even only visit her for a few hours, then move on. I'm so sorry. I totally understand how painful that probably was for you and your kids.
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Post by bigbundt on Aug 1, 2018 21:27:33 GMT
I'm sorry you had a bad week. But yes, it is your mom's loss. I had a similar visit with my parents a few months ago with my two young kids. Planned to be there for little more than a week with the first part in a hotel in my hometown and the second at my parents' lake house a few hours away. My mom and I start clashing within three days but my mom threw a hissy fit that a few days weren't enough time at their house so against my better judgment, scheduled more days. She was a bitch to my kids, made comments about their behavior (crazier than normal considering their entire routine was thrown off and there was nothing for them to do there), we had a huge fight about something completely minor and honestly, I'm still not over it. I can take my mom's shit but start in on my kids? Go.fuck.yourself. It feels like a double betrayal because my brother was a very difficult young child and she would complain how people wouldn't be understanding to her plight... but my two year old not being perfect and SHE only offers criticism? I feel bad for my dad because he loves my kids and looked forward to them visiting. He asked if I was going to come back to visit and I had to tell him probably not. That was hard but I will not spend all that money again to be treated like shit.  They will still come to visit us but they do not stay with us and only spend an hour or two with my kids a day. That works for us. Sorry, made that about me but thank you for letting me vent. |
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Post by grate on Aug 1, 2018 21:34:21 GMT
sounds familiar -- it is not about you or your wonderful kids. it is her. it has taken me many many years to figure this out and to stop trying to fix my mom. I let her pout, get mad, sigh heavily at us. I moved my parents in with us and I knew what I was getting into and I leave her be.
We lived in Germany for 4 years, when we got home, they moved in. she was excited to have muffins ready when they came home yada yada yada. She forgot they were in high school and were busy. She took it personally like normal and hid in her room. Then one time she went to see my nephew. Got back and called me down to tell me (never speaks with me) how wonderful the time with him was, what a wonderful, smart kid he is and how it was just what her soul needed. On and On and then went on ignoring my kids. Heck, I had a heart attack and was in the hospital for 5 days and she never came to see me...30 minutes away.
You have to get to the point where you have pity for her and her truth, and enjoy everything and everyone else.
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Post by disneypal on Aug 1, 2018 21:52:42 GMT
Wow! I am so sorry. She sounds horrid. You would think she would be so happy to spend time with her grandchildren if nothing else.
She is the one losing out - on the next trip, I wouldn't stay with her at all. I'd let her know where I was and if she wanted to come see you and the kids, she could.
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Post by shevy on Aug 2, 2018 18:49:30 GMT
She just can't be who you want her to be. A normal, functioning, happy person, mother and grandmother. For whatever reason, she can't be that. So, as Volt said, live within her limitations. 2 days and you're out. Enjoy the rest of your trip. And remember, you did nothing wrong and none of this was your fault. I believe this was one of the hardest things for me to understand. Ever. Devine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood book made me realize that moms & dads do the best they can, with the resources they have. And some parents just don't have the resources (internally & externally) to be good parents. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:03:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2018 23:28:58 GMT
I'm so sorry things didn't go well. ((HUGS)) to you and the kids. So sad. As a mom yourself, though, you have to protect YOUR children from her childish behavior.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:03:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2018 1:18:56 GMT
Say your goodbyes and do your mourning now, so you won’t have guilt hit you like a ton of bricks when she does die.
I did that 16 years ago and when my mother died I had no guilt in not talking to her or seeing her in those years before her death.
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Post by berty on Aug 3, 2018 2:49:10 GMT
Hugs to you and your kids. I struggle mightily with acceptance for some of the people in my life. My mind knows logically that these people can't be what I want and it's not my fault, but then my emotional side kicks in and I just can't seem to fully accept it. I know I'm only prolonging my own suffering, but it's sooo hard. If I ever find that magic solution I'll certainly share it, but in the meantime I just want to say to you that I get it. I truly do get it and it sucks big time.
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Post by jennoconnell on Aug 3, 2018 4:37:40 GMT
You guys are right. So right. When we were planning our trip, she actually suggested that we fly in near her. I played it off that she would be working and it was better to stay with my aunt. We wouldn’t have stayed so long if the workshop that she booked for my son was not the whole week. But I hear you guys, I think next time we will stay at a hotel. I just hate that I even let myself get upset about it. I should know better by now. Just sucks balls, you know. They know exactly how to push our buttons...because they installed them.
I'm so sorry. If your mother is unable to set healthy boundaries, you will probably have to do it. The hotel is a great idea. And yes, it absolutely sucks balls. I'm so glad your aunt was a good parent to you.
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They will still come to visit us but they do not stay with us and only spend an hour or two with my kids a day. That works for us.
