WWTPD ~Mental Health- mini update

I completely understand being scared that your xDH will try to get custody of your son. But you must realize that the possibility is more likely if you aren't seen as getting help and following your Dr.'s orders. I know you aren't trying to be non-compliant - but when you tell your Dr admission is not an option even though he has suggested it, well, it makes it seem like aren't really ready to get better. Sometimes the scariest (and best) thing you can do is to let go of being in control and trust someone else. You've gone to your Dr for awhile now so I assume you trust him. Trust his judgement and professional opinion. 

Also? It might be time to broaden your medicine options. Even if you could gain weight. Hell, at this point, I would consider addictive medicine as well. You aren't living right now and if there is a medicine that could give me my life back, I would try it. 

Re: your chest being tight - I have experienced this type of pain as well. It is scary. I was able to get relief after truly getting into meditation (and not just going through the motions like I did at first). Getting my hormones straightened out also has been a huge step in getting my anxiety and stress under control. Have your hormones been checked lately? Its just a blood test. 

Have you considered letting your xDH take your son while you seek treatment? On a temporary basis? The reality is your stress and anxiety will effect him (if it hasn't already) and he needs to be in a safe place until you are able to reclaim your life. 

Are you married? Or do you have a support system in place to help with your son if going to his dad's isn't an option? 

Please know I am not judging you and truly believe you can recover from this. I can tell that you know you're not ok & are afraid. Thats huge in getting to the bottom of this. You can beat this.  We are here for you. 

I am glad you have a supportive husband. You can get through this. Send me a PM if you ever need to talk.  

Congratulations on your sobriety. That’s a huge achievement on your part. It sounds like your anxiety is overwhelming right now, so it’s probably very hard for you to make these important decisions. I know that happens to me at times, as I’ve suffered from GAD my entire life. Remember that if your husband does temporarily take custody of your son, you will be doing something good for both you and your son by addressing your needs. If you had a broken leg or needed an appendectomy, you would make arrangements to have him stay with someone.while you were treated. To me, mental health issues are the same, and you will be your best self if you can address your needs. Best wishes to you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers

HUGS

I don't have any relevant knowledge or experience but just wanted to offer you hugs and wishes for healing.

I don't know about the PTSD, but I know a bit about bipolar. I take a mood stabilizer, an anti-depressant, and an antipsychotic. I am wonderfully stabilized and have been for over 10 years, but it took awhile to find the best medicine combination. I did not have psychosis, but the antipsychotic really helped with my obsessive thoughts and made me think a lot clearer. Yes, the meds made me gain weight. But if my choice is to be a size 14 and stable, or a size 8 and a mess, I'll take the size 14 any day.

I know going inpatient is scary. I don't have any great advice on that. You need to do something, though, and that might be your best option.

I feel for you, I really do. Mental illness is terrible.

Believe me, I get it. But I also know that it is possible to be so ill that we might not know what really is in our best interest. I wish you the best.

You've been given some good advice on this thread. We all hope you'll do what's best for your son and yourself. We're pulling for you.

I think the fact that you've been able to maintain your sobriety for three years given your high level of anxiety, speaks volumes about your inner strength and willingness to do what it takes to heal. Keep us posted.

OP I would severely cation you to NOT agree to shock therapy. I went through 10 years of what was diagnosed as "treatment resistant depression". I saw several psychiatrists throughout this time and they tried several different antidepressants as the years went by. One would work for awhile then it would stop working and we'd have to move to another one. Near the end of the 10 years after all medication had been tried my doctors turned to shock therapy. I was never suicidal. I was in a comatose state. I could barely think straight. Although my family cautioned me against it I signed the paper allowing it. 

It helped for 3 days afterwards and then the depression returned as badly as before. I had 20 treatments before I told them no more. Although the doctors told me I "might" lose a bit (maybe 5%) of my short term memories and none of my long term memories that isn't what happened. I lost over 60 percent or more of my long term memories. I have problems with my short term memory to this day and it's been over 10 years. When I complained the doctor told me mine was an unusual case. Turns out my case isn't unusual at all. It is quite common. Through research on the internet I have found many others like me and there is a class action law suit being put together. The first standard law case was just filed in California. 

What ended up curing me is a miracle of sorts. I have an amazing doctor called an Integrative Medicine doctor. Turns out I have two gene markers for a defective MTHFR gene. It means I can't process B12 the normal way in food ways or by taking regular pills. If it goes on long enough you get depression. If it goes on longer than that you get dementia like my grandmother got. My sister has it too. It's diagnosed by a blood test. Once this doctor gave me the right form of B12 my body could process my depression vanished and it has never come back. I caution everyone here with depression could ask for this blood test just in case. 

You also have bipolar PTSD and extreme anxiety so you've got more than depression to address. I completely understand your fear of being admitted to an inpatient facility and then your ex trying to get custody. I also have an ex that was abusive in my past marriage. How long have you been divorced and who has custody now? Do you have shared custody? How long have you been remarried? Luckily your son is 13 and not 3. If your ex did try to gain custody these days the courts would, I am pretty sure, allow a child of 13 to have some say in the matter. If he were 3 he wouldn't have a say. If you've been remarried for awhile and your son gets along with your husband I see no reason why the court would allow your ex to regain full custody especially with his history of abuse of you-is any of that on record by the way? Were there any restraining orders? Was there any record of it in your divorce?

Biggest  question-how faithfully has ex been paying child support? An ex who hasn't been paying child support every single two weeks, on time-do you think the judge will grant him custody while you are in a medical facility through absolutely no fault of your own trying to get better? I don't! If I were a judge I'd kick that man out of court laughing all of the way. 

Think of it this way-pretend you are having to go into the hospital for a heart transplant. Now pretend your ex who probably (if I know most abusive men) hasn't been paying his child support every single payday on time goes and most likely owes quite a bit goes to court and tries to get sole custody from you while you are at your most vunerable. If I were a judge sitting there I'd think looking at him, "you weak, little, spineless, waste of space. While the mother of this child is at her weakest through no fault of her own you come in here not because you care about this child (you would have paid the child support if you did!) but because you want to grasp what control you can from her". Out of my courtroom! 

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings talking about your ex that way. I hope I'm right in my thinking about yours. My advise is please try not to worry. I know that's much easier said than done when you have anxiety. I think though that the other Peas are right. To strongly consider inpatient treatment but like I said say NO! to shock treatment. If as you said marijuana made you even more paranoid than medical marijuana will do the same. Although there is a type called CBD that is a product without THC (that is the part that gets you high) that some patients use with success. Depending on your state will determine how long it will take to get approval for medical marijuana. Here in Maryland you have to be a patient with a chronic disease and to have had that condition for over a year. Then you apply online to the government and that takes 2 months or more. Then you have to take all of your medical records to a certain doctor and they decide whether to approve you for your medical MJ card or not which lasts a year. It became legal in this state just recently. 

I wish the very best for you and I'm sorry this got so long. Know that we are here for you and that you can reach out to us whenever you need to. 

Look, it’s like an airplane. You have to put on your oxygen mask before you can help others put on theirs- or you all go down. Fix yourself. Get healthy. Do inpatient if that is what you need. You must get yourself in a better place, or cannot ever be the parent you want to be. It’s a leap of faith that everything will be ok if you are admitted, but it is one you must take. If you are healthy (and you are sober so you obviously can do it!) then your ex cannot keep your kids. It is temporary.

Please look after you, because only then can the needs of others really be addressed. And PTSD is a bitch, and you need time and help. And that is totally ok- get it.

I hope your inpatient stay will be helpful to you! Will be praying for you. I have suffered from anxiety at times in my life--usually situational though, not long term. I know how darn hard it is. I still feel the safest at home, so I can relate. ((HUGS))