ashley
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Post by ashley on Oct 22, 2018 14:00:14 GMT
Ladies, I know I’m not the first person to go through this, but my goodness, why do they call it heartbreak when it feels like a heart death? It’s been a bit over a month since my ex-boyfriend of one year dumped me quite unexpectedly for another woman.
I saw him yesterday (at my request) since I felt I was owed a dignified good bye. He looked terrible. I know we’re both deeply deeply hurt and that we miss each other in our lives a lot.
He wanted to stay friends but I couldn’t, not with his betrayal and certainly not while he’s with this other woman.
I do feel like if he’d ended things properly and then met her, I’d be happy for him.
I most certainly can’t make any decisions right now, but has anyone else ever been able to re-establish a friendship with someone after they destroyed your heart? Or am I just too in love with him still?
My therapist told me to give it time and has suggested that we may reunite someday when we’re both whole people on our own.
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Post by missbennet on Oct 22, 2018 14:05:00 GMT
I'm so sorry - I know how that feels and it's flippin' awful. There doesn't seem to be any way to speed up the process.
I think some of your questions and feelings about the breakup are part of the grief itself. You might find when you are well healed and your head in is another place, the answer about what role he might have in your life will be clear to you.
In the meantime, ugh! Surround yourself with awesomeness - supportive people, activities you love, good self care. Heartbreak is the pits. Thank goodness it's temporary, which isn't really so helpful or comforting when you are in the midst of it.
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rickmer
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Post by rickmer on Oct 22, 2018 14:09:04 GMT
i say listen to your heart. if it hurts to see him then don't. he made his choices and you have to take care of you.
i am sorry. (((hugs)))
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Post by giatocj on Oct 22, 2018 14:15:56 GMT
I am very sorry you are going through this. This kind of hurt does definitely take a while to get past.
If it helps at all, my divorce from my ex was HORRIBLE...seriously and truly hideous. Once we both got past the hurt and pain of the breakup and divorce we started communicating again. We eventually became the very best of friends, which we remained until the day he passed away 10 years ago. We were definitely much better friends than we ever were spouses.
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Oct 22, 2018 14:17:12 GMT
I'm so sorry - I know how that feels and it's flippin' awful. There doesn't seem to be any way to speed up the process. I think some of your questions and feelings about the breakup are part of the grief itself. You might find when you are well healed and your head in is another place, the answer about what role he might have in your life will be clear to you. In the meantime, ugh! Surround yourself with awesomeness - supportive people, activities you love, good self care. Heartbreak is the pits. Thank goodness it's temporary, which isn't really so helpful or comforting when you are in the midst of it. Thank you. I totally understand you are correct. And I remind myself of most of those things, and others, pretty much hourly. I’m working on making new friends. I’ve made nights out with other moms. I’ve gone to concerts by myself. I have worked on projects here at home that have been neglected, tackled some quilting, and am refocusing on making a life that is truly my own. I am cultivating a new independence for myself and have goals for the upcoming months and year. I purged my house of the painful reminders and made everything else my own again. I’ve done a lot of writing over the past month and soon will be able to release that book of poetry that’s been on my life-goal list for a decade or so... most of which I just sent to him in a moment of weakness. I find joy daily. I focus on the love I have received, and given. But what I cannot do is stop the involuntary thoughts that keep calling me back to him... he’s still the first thing I think about in the morning. Every time I see a text notification, I hope it’s him. Sometimes I think I see him, and my entire body wants to die. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Oct 22, 2018 14:17:50 GMT
I never could stay friends with an ex, especially under similar circumstances. I can’t even be friends with someone who shows so little respect for me as a person, and that reminder always made it a lot easier to get over the loss of the relationship whether it was just friends or a romantic relationship. I would be sad for a while, sure, but I didn't want to be with someone who didn’t respect me, it’s one of my lines in the sand so to speak. ETA: I’m sorry this is hurting you so much. You deserve better.
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Post by llinin on Oct 22, 2018 14:18:35 GMT
I’m sorry he did you so wrong. I would try not to think about a future friendship or relationship. For me personally, I eventually learned that the only way I could heal was to cease all contact. No more goodbyes, no trying to be friends. I had to be staunch, he fucked me over, he is not a good guy who did a bad thing-he fucked me over! Burning the bridge is my advice. You deserve better and he is obviously not capable of that.
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Post by workingclassdog on Oct 22, 2018 14:19:26 GMT
It's so easy to say just let it go and move on. It took me years and years to get over someone who left me. He up and moved to another state (a dream of his to do).. when he finally made the decision it killed me. Plans were I was going to eventually go to where he was at after he got settled, but once he left I only heard from him a few times. He didn't have the guts to end it properly. This all happened before computers and cell phones, etc.. so all I had were a few letters and a couple of expensive phone calls. I dreamed of us reuniting for a long long time.
Years later I got over it but it still hurts to this day as I thought he was going to be the one for me. (Although I was pretty young at the time, but that doesn't matter when you are going through it)... anyways, I heard this line and wish I would have heard it at that time as I think I would have been able to get over him faster... the line was "don't waste your time loving someone who won't love you back" (there are different variations of this saying..)
So I say move on and let it go, but yeah, I know that is the hardest thing to do ever.... ever.. ever... I wish I didn't waste so much time on an ass.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2018 14:20:19 GMT
A month is really not enough time to heal. The longer he remains in your life, the slower the process that will be. Give yourself time and space from him.
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Post by malibou on Oct 22, 2018 14:23:11 GMT
I remember thinking heart break seemed like a mighty simple way to describe the anguish I felt when I got ghosted on my 25th birthday by the guy I was engaged to and had been with for 7 years. Therapy helped my man hating self.
For a long time I just wanted to talk to him so I could understand what happened. But he had disappeared and I had no way to contact him. His family wouldn't help either. Many many years later I heard that things were a bit rough for him and I was glad my first reaction wasn't Haha motherfucker. I just felt badly for him, and realized I no longer cared one iota if I ever saw him again.
Time does seem to heal most wounds.
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Post by karinec on Oct 22, 2018 14:25:10 GMT
My ex husband and I have remained friends, but we were also friends for four years before we got married. It’s easy for me because I have NO desire to be in a romantic relationship with him whatsoever.
The ex that I still have feelings for is another story. I tried to remain friends but what I found was that was just a vehicle for me to keep the notion in my head that we could be together again one day. The last time I saw him I realized how much pain that was causing me. I told him I could not see him again and although it was difficult it was liberating on a lot of levels. It helped me step back and examine all the reasons he’s really not right for me.
I understand the heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes that’s not the best for our psyche. Big hugs and I hope you figure it out.
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Oct 22, 2018 14:28:23 GMT
FTR, I haven’t spoken to him or seen him since he broke up with me, other than a few initial texts over the first few days, and seeing him yesterday (which I have no plans to do again). I asked to see him because we have a lot of overlapping circles and interests and the last time I saw him I didn’t even understand what was going on, and I didn’t want to bump into him in public for the first time.
I left our meeting yesterday by telling him that the next time we met it would be as strangers.
But he does live down the street from me and drives past my house to work every day and on his way home, so distance is not quite that simple. I actually “see” him a couple times a week as he drives past my house.
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Post by pierkiss on Oct 22, 2018 14:41:15 GMT
I don’t think I could be friends with someone I was/am in love with who suddenly breaks my heart. Ever. Perhaps the grief of that ending will wane. But the memory of how that person made me feel probably wouldnt disappear enough for me to be friendly with him at a later date.
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Post by pjynx on Oct 22, 2018 14:42:20 GMT
I most certainly can’t make any decisions right now, but has anyone else ever been able to re-establish a friendship with someone after they destroyed your heart? Or am I just too in love with him still? I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Give it time. Things are still raw right now. Probably more since you just saw him again. Time will pass and it will get easier. I've never been in that situation, but I've been on the other side, except I didn't meet someone new until after things were over. In my situation, we'd been together for about 1.5 yrs. I'd been unhappy for several months. I tried breaking things off with him and he begged me not to leave him. I gave in and stayed together. But the things that made me unhappy did not change and after a couple more months, I broke it off for good. He was very hurt and things were ugly for awhile. But over time, he got over it and we did become friends. We worked together, so we had to find a way to be amicable. He started dating again and even came to me for advice when the relationship was rocky. When I got married, his girlfriend was one of my bridesmaids, so he attended the wedding (even sat at the head table because we allowed all dates of the wedding party to sit with us - that threw many of my relatives for a loop because they recognized him from when we had dated)  I don't see him often, but we are FB friends and see him around town once in awhile. I'm also FB friends with his wife and our kids graduated together. So yes, eventually, you may be able to be friends but it doesn't have to be right away. Good luck healing your heart! Pam |
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Oct 22, 2018 14:59:13 GMT
Give yourself time. It can take a while to let go of the life you thought you were going to have and to create a new future so be patient. I also don’t think you need to be friends with him. Civil, sure, if you are in a social situation and happen to see him, but aside from that there’s no reason to be friends.
I’m annoyed at your therapist for giving you the idea you might reunite. Let go of that. He did you wrong. I’m sure you’re missing all the good things about him but don’t forget that.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s one of the hardest parts of life. I had a terrible time getting over someone, even when I was the one who left. I just wanted this idea of our perfect life so badly I excused all the horrible things he was doing. Don’t do that to yourself.
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Post by Miss Ang on Oct 22, 2018 15:12:29 GMT
Number one, I am so sorry. Sometimes things just suck, don't they?
I'm not sure that what your therapist is telling you is healthy. I don't think you should hold onto hope and plan for a future with him anywhere in your mind. Could it happen? Sure. But I think it would best for you to move on as if your piece of life with him has ended and you should learn to move on without him. Clinging to the past and hoping and waiting for it to return is not going to allow you to deal with your broken feelings. In order to heal you have to recognize that life without him is where you are right now.
{{Hugs}}
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Post by jenjie on Oct 22, 2018 15:14:17 GMT
I’m sorry. Gentle hugs
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Post by auntkelly on Oct 22, 2018 15:15:03 GMT
Give yourself time. It can take a while to let go of the life you thought you were going to have and to create a new future so be patient. I also don’t think you need to be friends with him. Civil, sure, if you are in a social situation and happen to see him, but aside from that there’s no reason to be friends. I’m annoyed at your therapist for giving you the idea you might reunite. Let go of that. He did you wrong. I’m sure you’re missing all the good things about him but don’t forget that. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s one of the hardest parts of life. I had a terrible time getting over someone, even when I was the one who left. I just wanted this idea of our perfect life so badly I excused all the horrible things he was doing. Don’t do that to yourself. I'm annoyed at your therapist as well. What would be the point of having any type of relationship w/ this man? I think time is the only thing that will heal a broken heart. I am so sorry this man broke your heart. Don't give him the opportunity to do it again in the future. |
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Oct 22, 2018 15:17:41 GMT
I have zero plans for a future with him! I do not wish to cultivate a romantic relationship or life with him.
However, I keep remembering how when I met him he felt like home, and no one had ever felt that way before. And I distinctly did not want to make our relationship physical or romantic because I KNEW he was important to me and we should be friends for a long, long time.
I’m holding no hope for him. I’m working very hard on letting go and moving on. Part of me does wonder if once I can finally stop crying, if he could ever be that friend again... the one I miss walking up the street to sit on my porch with coffee.
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Oct 22, 2018 15:21:16 GMT
I think my therapist’s point was, he wasn’t in a healthy place and I knew I wasn’t a complete person when we met, it couldn’t have worked out. I know why he made the choice he did... and it was one I was scared of when we first met. I don’t think he’s a bad person, I think he made a really really stupid mistake, and a few bad decisions, and we all do that occasionally.
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Montannie
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Post by Montannie on Oct 22, 2018 15:23:47 GMT
Been there. Wallowed in grief for a while. Then, I got busy. I joined a group of women involved in advocacy and service for other women. Made new friends, got involved in lots of activity. Got out of my head, and found that I was stronger for the grief.
He wanted to be friends, and after a while, we started seeing each other again. Same damn thing. But I cut the cord the second time, and stopped answering his phone calls. He got the picture.
You can get there.
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scrappyesq
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Post by scrappyesq on Oct 22, 2018 15:38:14 GMT
I think my therapist’s point was, he wasn’t in a healthy place and I knew I wasn’t a complete person when we met, it couldn’t have worked out. I know why he made the choice he did... and it was one I was scared of when we first met. I don’t think he’s a bad person, I think he made a really really stupid mistake, and a few bad decisions, and we all do that occasionally. That's the thing, you both have to be in a healthy place and that certainly takes more than a month. It's way too premature for the reunification scenario to even be mentioned. A month is not long enough. You need to cry and go through your emotions while keeping in mind that the time to be sad is finite. You certainly don't want to get stuck. But you do want to be gentle and understanding with yourself. The thing that was a red flag in all of my breakups was always the concern for how hurt the other person was or looked when I saw him again. I think that's ok when the breakup wasn't a betrayal. Someone who is hurtful without regards for your feelings doesn't deserve a millisecond of your sympathy. It's easy to say so soon after a breakup that the other person made bad choices. Only time and distance can really give you the perspective that you need when it comes to processing what happened. Again, it's too soon. Hugs to you. Take care of yourself and your needs first before you start thinking about any future with anyone, let alone him. |
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Oct 22, 2018 15:55:18 GMT
I think my therapist’s point was, he wasn’t in a healthy place and I knew I wasn’t a complete person when we met, it couldn’t have worked out. I know why he made the choice he did... and it was one I was scared of when we first met. I don’t think he’s a bad person, I think he made a really really stupid mistake, and a few bad decisions, and we all do that occasionally. That's the thing, you both have to be in a healthy place and that certainly takes more than a month. It's way too premature for the reunification scenario to even be mentioned. A month is not long enough. You need to cry and go through your emotions while keeping in mind that the time to be sad is finite. You certainly don't want to get stuck. But you do want to be gentle and understanding with yourself. The thing that was a red flag in all of my breakups was always the concern for how hurt the other person was or looked when I saw him again. I think that's ok when the breakup wasn't a betrayal. Someone who is hurtful without regards for your feelings doesn't deserve a millisecond of your sympathy. It's easy to say so soon after a breakup that the other person made bad choices. Only time and distance can really give you the perspective that you need when it comes to processing what happened. Again, it's too soon. Hugs to you. Take care of yourself and your needs first before you start thinking about any future with anyone, let alone him. I am very aware I am not well or healed and it will take a while still. I’m also really not wallowing or dwelling on it... I have no desire to punish myself like that.  I only mentioned that he looked terrible and I could tell he’s hurt too is not because of any concern for him (he should feel like shit!!) but because I found it reassuring me for because I honestly wasn’t sure if he maybe cared about me at all. And I want him to miss me, because I am fabulous and wonderful and he deserves to feel an emptiness in his life. And I could barely look at him yesterday... and I did not let him say much because I was scared of what I might hear. My thoughts about if we could ever be friends again are more philosophical at this point... maybe part of my healing / grieving process... like a reassurance that I meant something. It would be daily torture to attempt to see him or talk to him. Oh, and I have zero desire to be in a relationship with anyone else... I’ve had multiple offers in the past month and even the thought makes me physically ill. |
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 22, 2018 16:00:26 GMT
I am sorry you are hurting.
I could not be friends with someone that treated me so badly.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2018 16:31:58 GMT
I'm so sorry you're hurting. It will get worse before it gets better but it 'will' get better.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Oct 22, 2018 17:17:52 GMT
No other person should fill a hole in your life. If there’s a hole you fill it yourself. Those we love bring extra to our lives. I think you should really investigate if you can really love someone that betrays and disrespects you, or is it your fantasy of love you miss.
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 22, 2018 17:37:45 GMT
Does he want to stay friends so HE feels better about how he ended it with you? I think you are right. If he had ended it with you and then gone onto meet her, it would be a different story. But he didn't and he doesn't get to have you in his life to make himself feel better. Wondering if things might not be great between them and he wants to keep the door open. Take care of you and do what you think is best for your mental health.
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MorningPerson
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Post by MorningPerson on Oct 22, 2018 18:15:22 GMT
Does he want to stay friends so HE feels better about how he ended it with you? I think you are right. If he had ended it with you and then gone onto meet her, it would be a different story. But he didn't and he doesn't get to have you in his life to make himself feel better. Wondering if things might not be great between them and he wants to keep the door open. Take care of you and do what you think is best for your mental health. I agree 100%. He isn't worthy of your friendship. Friends don't do what he did to you. |
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Post by papersilly on Oct 22, 2018 18:21:15 GMT
"we can be friends" is a lie we tell ourselves as consolation for the break up. some people can be friends, maybe not right away, but they can have some semblance of friendship. others, no. it's too painful especially if one person still has feelings for the other. "we can be friends" is a civil parting statement that often holds no promise or strength if the break up was tough or bad.
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Post by chlerbie on Oct 22, 2018 19:31:10 GMT
Just from the things that you're saying here about how you feel, I'd say that you're not at all ready to be his friend. You may never be, but time will tell. Give yourself some more and don't think too far in the future about it. I think you'll know if and when you are ready for that to happen. I'm sorry that happened to you.
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I don't see him often, but we are FB friends and see him around town once in awhile. I'm also FB friends with his wife and our kids graduated together.
