zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884 
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Post by zella on Nov 9, 2018 5:42:07 GMT
I don't want my last thread to keep coming up to the front page as I respond to people. I haven't been here for a couple of days just because I've been busy. I do want to thank everyone who took the time to respond. A special thank you to the few who get me, you know who you are.
I read every comment. I'm sorry I can't respond to all of them.
I'm not, as some think, consumed with anger or with my mother to the detriment of my relationship with my own family. I really truly was asking for help to stay strong with my decision to keep her out of my life. Some of you will understand this, particularly those with very toxic, abusive mothers. Others won't. I have had intensive therapy. I don't have borderline personality disorder. I do have depression with bipolar tendencies, along with anxiety. I will get more counseling once we're settled in a new town.
One question I will answer is this one: why do you keep going back for more abuse?
That's not an easy one to answer, but I'll try. Because I have always, desperately, tried to be the good girl and the good daughter. Because my mother convinced me from such a young age that she was the only person who was always right, who always knew the answers, and I wanted and needed her approval. Because I wanted to put an end to a multi-generational pattern of cutting people out of your life. Because I tried over and over and over to be different to her. But I realize I can only put an end to this pattern BY cutting her out. It ends with me. I have, and will always have, my daughters. I cherish them. I am the mom I needed. The marriage is a challenge sometimes, but we're still hanging in there after almost 22 years together.
DH is sitting beside me, and I asked him how he'd describe my mother. He came up with "thoughtless and self-involved, or cold, petty and judgmental." Master of understatement, lol!
If you want to talk to me any more on this subject, feel free to PM me. I don't intend to respond on this page.
Thank you again. And no, I'm not leaving the board.
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Post by mlynn on Nov 9, 2018 5:57:11 GMT
Hugs
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Post by malibou on Nov 9, 2018 7:27:44 GMT
Always in my thoughts zella. |
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Post by christine58 on Nov 9, 2018 10:34:09 GMT
One question I will answer is this one: why do you keep going back for more abuse? I thought of my cousin when you posted this. She would do just about anything to be loved and accepted by her father (my mom's brother). He is an egotistical narcissist asshole. BUT she loves him, regardless of the abuse (physical and emotional) he did to her and her two brothers (they have nothing to do with him). She is a wonderful mom, aunt, cousin yet she yearns for his love even still at 55 years old. Her brothers are wonderful people. I am sure it is hard to walk away from her but you deserve to be treated better. I think this move is going to do you wonders. A new place, new doctors, better weather!!  |
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Post by shescrafty on Nov 9, 2018 11:38:10 GMT
My mom and I have always had a tense difficult relationship. About 2 years ago it all came to a head. I have seen her a handful of times since then at my great-nephews bday parties and that is it. I do call her in all holidays and send her gifts for them.
She only reaches out on Facebook by sending me dumb gifs with no commentary, or commenting on my posts at times. No calls on bdays to me or my son. No communication with my son either. I have had him call her every now and then and she doesn’t call him back. But on Facebook always laments that she doesn’t get to see him.
I miss the idea of having a good relationship with my mother, but not the relationship I had with her. I will be sad when she dies but the sadness will be because of what our relationship never was. Losing a child I cannot fathom how she could ever say some of the things she has said to me. But what is important to her is that she is always right, and her scorched earth mentality is more important than ever admitting she is wrong.
So walk away and know it is okay.
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Post by newfcathy on Nov 9, 2018 16:03:25 GMT
It sounds like you are resolved and confident in your decision.
I wish you relief and can just imagine what peace this change will bring to your family.
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Post by friendly on Nov 9, 2018 18:07:15 GMT
You can be exhausting. Why do you have to convince us how bad your mother is?
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,069
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Post by scrappyesq on Nov 9, 2018 18:19:09 GMT
You can be exhausting. Why do you have to convince us how bad your mother is? Sometimes saying it repeatedly reinforces your resolve. It is hard to believe it when your mother is a monster. Because it's not the norm and you end up questioning your own sanity when everyone is telling you that it is impossible for a mother to be an awful person. I come from toxicity. I certainly have lots of (non message board) moments where I have to remind myself that my mother would have eaten her young if she could have. |
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Post by friendly on Nov 9, 2018 18:22:37 GMT
You can be exhausting. Why do you have to convince us how bad your mother is? Sometimes saying it repeatedly reinforces your resolve. It is hard to believe it when your mother is a monster. Because it's not the norm and you end up questioning your own sanity when everyone is telling you that it is impossible for a mother to be an awful person. I come from toxicity. I certainly have lots of (non message board) moments where I have to remind myself that my mother would have eaten her young if she could have. I totally understand what you're saying. I still think that Zella's rants are exhausting. |
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Post by mlynn on Nov 9, 2018 19:46:05 GMT
Sometimes saying it repeatedly reinforces your resolve. It is hard to believe it when your mother is a monster. Because it's not the norm and you end up questioning your own sanity when everyone is telling you that it is impossible for a mother to be an awful person. I come from toxicity. I certainly have lots of (non message board) moments where I have to remind myself that my mother would have eaten her young if she could have. I totally understand what you're saying. I still think that Zella's rants are exhausting. I think the solution to that is to simply not read them. |
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Post by friendly on Nov 9, 2018 19:49:35 GMT
I totally understand what you're saying. I still think that Zella's rants are exhausting. I think the solution to that is to simply not read them. I agree. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:02:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2018 20:02:53 GMT
You can be exhausting. Why do you have to convince us how bad your mother is? I certainly don't need any convincing what a jerk comment this is. I find it rather vicious to pointedly kick someone when they are down...ESPECIALLY when you say you find her to be exhausting. No one is forcing you to read her threads, neither are you being forced to comment on them. So to purposely open the thread of someone you don't care for and then to make a disparaging comment is rather assholian. |
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,185
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Post by rickmer on Nov 9, 2018 20:07:03 GMT
one of my dear friends has a mother likes yours and shares the dynamic of always trying to be "good enough" to break through and maybe have the relationship she always hoped to have. i also feel you can think you are ready to move on or cut that person out logically, but in your heart you are still often still holding on to that little bit of hope.
what did it for my friend was her two grown children (to whom she has been a fantastic, loving and supportive mother) said "mom, why do you keep trying? if you treated us like she treats you, we wouldn't have you in our lives anymore". THAT was what she needed to hear and has been able to move forward with distancing herself from her mother.
i think it's easy to judge others but until you have lived their life experience, you really don't know.
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Post by friendly on Nov 9, 2018 20:30:30 GMT
You can be exhausting. Why do you have to convince us how bad your mother is? I certainly don't need any convincing what a jerk comment this is. I find it rather vicious to pointedly kick someone when they are down...ESPECIALLY when you say you find her to be exhausting. No one is forcing you to read her threads, neither are you being forced to comment on them. So to purposely open the thread of someone you don't care for and then to make a disparaging comment is rather assholian. Just like your opinion of me is perfectly valid, my opinion of Zella's posts is too. I have a member of my family who behaves in a very similar way and perhaps that explains my feeling. It's not an excuse; I've done nothing wrong. I'm entitled to what I feel. Feel free to skip my posts. It doesn't bother me. I hardly post anyway. |
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,077
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Nov 9, 2018 20:52:31 GMT
Not very " friendly"! Zella, I like your positivity. Stand by your resolve and stay strong. Good for you. |
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Post by christine58 on Nov 9, 2018 21:59:52 GMT
I totally understand what you're saying. I still think that Zella's rants are exhausting. then BLOCK her so YOU don't get exhausted...SMDH |
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